^ ^ ■■  C N 


OF  THE 
UNIVERSITY 
Of  ILLINOIS 


817 

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OF  ALL. 

SKETCHES 

BY  THE 

Popular  Humorists  of  the  Day  ; 

MARK  TWAIN,  JOSH  BILLINGS, 

DETROIT  FREE  PRESS  MAN, 

BURLINGTON  HAWK  EYE  MAN,  OIL  CITY  DERRICK  MAN, 
BROOKLYN  EAGLE  MAN, 


CHICAGO  : 

Copyright  1880,  by 

RHODES  & McCLURE,  PUBLISHERS. 


The  Funniest  Book  of  All. 


JUST  WHERE  RE  HAD  ^EM. 

Half  an  hour  before  the  departure  of  a lake  steamer  from 
her  wliarf  yesterday  the  Captain  was  approached  by  a stranger 
who  had  been  inspecting  the  boat  from  the  dock  for  the  last 
ten  minutes.  Introducing  himself  as  a would-be  passenger, 
he  asked : 

“Captain,  is  this  boat  provided  with  life-preservers?” 

“ She  is.” 

“Are  they  all  right?” 

“ They  are.” 

“ Can  your  crew  launch  a life-boat  ?” 

“ They  can.”  ' ' 

“Is  your  life-raft  all  right?” 

“It  IS.” 

“ Is  the  fire-hose  all  ready  for  instant  service?” 

“ It  is.” 

“ Will  your  engineer  stand  to  his  post  in  case  of  a disaster?” 
“He  will.” 

“Do  you  call  yourself  a cool  and  collected  man  in  the 
presence  of  danger?” 

“I  do.” 

“Do  you  know  exactly  what  you  would  do  in  case  of  a ter- 
rible gale  or  a fire  ?” 

“I  do.” 

“Can  the  mate  be  depended  on  to  second  all  your  eflbrts?^' 
“ He  can.” 

“And  will  your  crew  stand  by  and  obey  you?” 

“ They  will.” 

“Are  }mur  green  and  red  lights  all  right.” 

“They  are.” 

“Machinery  in  perfect  order?” 

“ It  is.” 

“ Going  to  overload  the  boat?^ 


“Is  she  fixed  to  blow  off  at  forty-six  pounds?” 

“She  is.” 

“Donkey-engine  working  all  right?” 

“ It  is.” 

The  stranger  heaved  a deep  sigh  and  was  walking  away 
when  the  Captain  asked  if  his  baggage  was  aboard. 

“No,  and  I guess  I’ll  go  afoot,”  was  the  re})ly.  “Every 
boat  which  has  burned  up  or  gone  down  for  the  last  five  years 
had  everything  in  the  nicest  kind  of  order,  and  I’ll  either  look 
for  a craft  making  six  feet  of  water  an  hour,  or  run  the  risk 
of  going  through  a railroad-bridge.  Good-b}^e,  Captain ; I 
shall  look  in  the  dailies  all  this  week  to  see  who  of  your  pas- 
sengers were  saved.” — Detroit  Dree  Press. 


TOM  POTTERS  S SHOOTING. 

MAX  ADELER. 

They  had  been  talking  about  the  remarkable  performances 
of  Dr.  Carver,  the  marksman,  who  shoots  with  a rifle,  glass 
balls,  which  are  sent  into  the  air  as  fast  as  a man  can  throw 
them.  Presently  Abner  Byng,  who  was  sitting  by,  said  : 

“That’s  nothing.” 

“What  is  nothing.” 

“Why,  that  shooting.  Did  you  ever  know  Tom  Potter?” 

“No.” 

“Well,  Potter  was  the  best  hand  with  a rifle  I ever  saw; 
beat  this  man  Carver  all  hollow.  I’ll  tell  you  what  I’ve  seen 
Potter  do.  You  know,  may  be,  along  there  in  the  cherry 
season,  Mrs.  Potter  would  want  to  preserve  some  cherries ; 
so  Tom ’d  pick  ’em  for  her,  and  how  do  you  think  he’d  stone 
’em  ?” 

“I  don’t  know.  How?” 

“Why,  he’d  fill  his  gun  with  bird-shot,  and  get  a boy  to 
drop  half  a bushel  of  cherries  at  one  time  from  the  roof  of  the 
house.  As  they  came  down  he’d  fire,  and  take  the  stone  clean 
out  of  every  cherry  in  the  lot ! It’s  a positive  fact.  He  might 


4, 


• , THE  FUNKIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL.  5 

occasionally  miss  one  cherry,  may  be,  but  not  often.  But  h^ 
did  bigger  shooting  than  that  when  he  wanted  to.” 

“ What  did  he  do?” 

“Why,  Jim  Miller — did  you  know  him?  No?  Well, 
Tom  made  a bet  once  with  Jim  that  he  could  shoot  the  but- 
tons off  of  his  own  coat  tail,  by  aiming  in  the  opposite  direc- 
tion, and  Jim  Miller  took  him  up.” 

“ Did  he  do  it  ?” 

“ Do  it ! He  fixed  himself  in  position,  and  aimed  at  a tree 
in  front  of  him.  The  ball  hit  the  tree,  carromed,  hit  the  cor- 
ner of  a house,  carrorned,  struck  a lamp-post,  carromed,  and 
flew  behind  Tom,  and  nipped  the  button  off  as  slick  as  a 
whistle.  You  bet  he  did  it.” 

“That  was  fine  shooting.” 

“Yes,  but  I’ve  seen  Tom  Potter  beat  it.  Pve  seen  him 
stand  under  a flock  of  wild  pigeons,  billions  of  them  coming 
like  the  wind,  and  kill  ’em  so  fast  that  the  front  of  the  flock 
never  passed  a given  line,  but  turned  over  and  fell  down,  so 
that  it  looked  like  a kind  of  a brown  and  feathery  Niagara. 
Tom  did  it  by  having  twenty -three  breech-loading  rifles  and  a 
boy  to  load  ’em.  ,He  always  shot  with  that  kind.” 

“You  say  you  saw  him  do  this  sort  of  shooting?” 

“Yes,  sir;  and  better  than  that,  too.  Why,  I’ll  tell  you 
what  Pve  seen  Tom  Potter  do.  1 saw  him  once  set  up  an 
India-rubber  target  at  three  hundred  feet,  and  hit  the  bull’s- 
eye  twenty-seven  times  a minute  with  the  same  ball ! He 
would  bit  the  target,  the  ball  would  bounce  back  right  into  the 
rifle- barrel  just  as  Tom  had  clapped  in  a fresh  charge  of  pow- 
der, and  so  he  kept  her  a-going  backward  and  forward,  back- 
ward and  forward,  until  at  last  lie  happened  to  move  his  gun, 
and  the  bullet  missed  the  muzzle  of  the  barrel.  It  was  the 
biggest  thing  I ever  saw;  the  very  biggest — excejit  one.” 
••What  was  that?” 

“ Why,  one  day  I was  out  with  him  when  he  was  practicing, 
and  it  came  on  to  rain.  Tom  didn’t  want  to  get  wet,  and  we 
Jiad  no  umbrella,  and  what  do  you  think  he  did?” 

“What?” 

“ Now  what  do  you  think  that  man  did  to  keep  dry  ?” 

“ 1 can’t  imagine.” 

Well,  sir,  he  got  me  to  load  his  weapons  for  him,  and  I 


6 - 1 ,1  ■ FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 

pledge  you  my  word,  although  it  began  to  rain  hard,  he  hit 
every  drop  that  came  down,  so  that  the  ground  for  about  eight 
feet  around  us  was  as  dry  as  punk.  It  was  beautiful,  sir ; 
beautiful!” 

And  then  the  company  rose  up  slowly  and  passed  out,  one 
by  one,  each  man  eyeing  Abner,  and  looking  solemn  as  he 
went  by  ; and  when  they  had  gone,  Abner  looked  queerly  for 
a moment,  and  said  to  me : 

“There’s  nothing  I hate  so  much  as  a liar.  Give  me  a 
man  who  is  the  friend  of  the  solid  truth,  and  I’ll  tie  to  him.” 


MARK  TWAIN'S  REMARKABLE  GOLD 

MINES. 

I have  just  seen  your  dispatch  from  San  Francisco  in  Satur- 
day’s Evening  I^ost  about  gold  in  solution  in  Calistoga  Springs, 
and  about  the  proprietor  having  extracted  $1,600  in  gold  of 
the  utmost  fineness  from  ten  barrels  of  water,  during  the  past 
fortnight,  by  a process  known  only  to  himself. 

This  will  surprise  many  of  your  readers,  but  it  does  not 
surprise  me,  for  I once  owned  these  springs  myself.  What 
does  surprise  me,  however,  is  the  falling  off  in  richness  of  the 
water.  In  my  time,  the  yield  was  a dollar  a dipperful.  I am 
not  saying  this  to  injure  the  property  in  case  a sale  is  contem- 
pleted.  I am  saying  it  in  the  interest  of  history.  It  may  be 
that  this  hotel  proprietor’s  process  may  be  an  inferior  one. 
Yes,  that  may  be  the  fault.  Mine  was  to  take  my  uncle  (I 
had  an  extra  at  that  time,  on  account  of  his  parents  dying  and 
leaving  him  on  my  hands)  and  fill  him  up  and  let  him  stand 
fifteen  minutes,  to  give  the  water  a chance  to  settle.  Well, 
then  I insert  him  in  an  exhausted  receiver,  which  had  the 
effect  of  sucking  gold  out  through  his  pores.  I have  taken 
more  than  $11,000  out  of  that  old  man  in  a day  and  a half. 

• I should  have  held  on  to  those  springs  but  for  the  badness 
of  the  roads  and  the  difficulty  of  getting  the  gold  to  market. 

I consider  that  the  gold-yielding  water  is  in  many  respects^ 
remarkable,  and  yet  no  more  remarkable  than  the  gold-bearing 
air  of  Catgut  Canon,  up  there  toward  the  head  of  the  aurifer- 
ous range.  This  air  or  this  wind,  for  it  is  a kind  of  trade 
wind  which  blows  steadily  down  through  600  miles  of  the 


THE  FtTNT^IEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


7 


richest  quartz  croppings  during  an  hour  and  a quarter  every 
day,  except  Sundays,  is  heavily  charged  with  exquisitely  fine, 
impalpable  gold. 

Nothing  precipitates  and  solidities  this  gold  so  readily  as 
contact  with  human  fiesh  heated  by  passion.  The  time  that 
William  Abrahams  was  disappointed  in  love  ho  used  to  step 
out  doors  when  that  wind  was  blowing,  and  come  in  again 
and  begin  to  sigh,  and  I would  extract  over  a dollar  and  a 
half  out  of  every  sigh.  He  sighed  right  along,  and  the  time 
that  John  Harbison  and  Aleck  Norton  quarreled  about  HarJ 
bison’s  dog  they  stood  there  swearing  at  each  other  ; and  they 
knew  how,  and  what  they  did  not  know  about  swearing  they 
couldn’t  learn  from  you  and  me,  not  by  a good  deal,  and  at 
the  end  of  every  three  or  four  minutes  they  had  to-  stop  and 
make  a dividend.  If  they  didn’t  their  jaws  would  clog  up 
so  that  they  couldn’t  get  big  nine-syllabled  ones  out  at  all, 
and  when  the  wind  was  done  blowing  they  cleared  up  just  a 
little  over  $1,600  apiece.  I know  these  facts  to  be  absolutely 
true,  because  I got  them  from  a man  whose  mother  I knew 
personally. 

I did  not  suppose  a person  could  buy  the  water-privilege  at 
Calistoga  now  at  any  price,  but  several  good  locations  along 
the  course  of  the  Catgut  Canon  gold-bearing  trade-wind  are 
for  sale.  They  are  going  to  be  stocked  for  the  New  York 
market.  They  will  sell,  too ; people  will  swarm  for  them  as 
thick  as  Hancock  veterans  in  the  South. 

Mark  Twain. 


JOSH  BILLINGS^  ADVICE  TO  A NEW 
CHOIR- SIN  GEE. 

Dear  Miss  : This  is  an  important  epock  into  your  life. 
The  first  thing  to  make  a good  quire  singer  is  to  giggle  a 
little. 

Put  your  hair  in  cirl  papers  every  Friday  nite  soze  to  have  it 
in  good  shape  Sunday  morning.  If  your  daddy  is  rich  you 
can  buy  some  store  hair.  If  he  is  very  rich  buy  some  more 
and  build  it  up  high  onto  your  head ; then  get  a higli-priced 
bunnit  that  runs  up  very  high  at  the  high  part  of  it,  and  get 
he  milliner  to  ])lant  some  high-grown  artificials  onto  the  higli- 


8 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL 


est  part  of  it.  This  will  help  you  sing  high,  as  soprano  is  the 
highest  part. 

When  the  tune  is  giv  out,  don’t  pay  attention  to  it,  and 
then  giggle.  Giggle  a good  eel. 

Whisper  to  the  girl  next  you  that  Em  Jones,  which  sets 
on  the  2d  seet  from  the  front  on  the  left-hand  side,  has  her 
bunnit  with  the  same  color  exact  she  had  last  year,  and  then 
put  you  book  to  your  face  and  giggle. 

Object  to  every  tune  unless  there  is  a solow  into  it  for  the 
soprano.  Cod  and  hem  a good  eel  before  you  begin  to  sing. 

When  you  sing  a solow  shake  tlie  artificials  off  your  bunnit, 
and  when  you  come  to  a higli  tone  brace  yourself  back  a little, 
twist  your  head  to  one  side,  and  open  your  mouth  tlie  widest 
on  that  side,  shet  the  eyes  on  the  same  side  just  a triphle,  and 
then  put  in  for  dear  life. 

When  the  preacher  gets  under  hed  way  with  his  preachin, 
write  a note  on  the  blank  leaf  into  the  fourth  part  of  your 
note  book.  That’s  what  the  blank  leaf  was  made  for.  Git 
sum  body  to  oass  the  note  to  sumbody  else,  and  you  watch 
them  wiiil^  tlity  read  it,  and  then  giggle. 

If  anybocfy^alks  or  laffs  in  the  congregashun,  and  the 
preacher  takes  notis  of  it,  that’s  a goot  chants  for  you  to  gig- 
gle, and  you  ought  to  giggle  a great  eel.  The  j)reacher  dar- 
sent  say  anything  to  you  bekaus  you  are  in  the  quire,  and  he 
can’t  run  the  meetin’  house  at  both  ends  without  the  quire. 
If  }mn  had  a bow  before  you  yy^nt  into  the  quire,  give  him 
the  mitten, — you  ought  to  have  somebody  better  now. 


Don’t  forget  to  giggle. 


‘^OUR  FU  T U R ER—LI M E-K 1 L N CLUB 
PR  O C E E D 1 N G S. 

As  soon  as  the  meeting  was  fairly  under  way  Brother  Gard- 
ner announced  that  Judge  Affidavy  Martin,  late  of  Alabama, 
but  now  traveling  in  the  North  as  the  agent  of  a patent  fish- 
hook, was  present  and  desired  to  address  the  Club  on  the  sub- 
ject named  above.  It  was  voted  to  hear  the  address,  and  af- 
ter being  received  in  due  form  and  introduced,  the  Judge 
stood  upon  the  platform  and  began  : “We  mus’  not  look  in 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


9 


<ie  past  fur  our  fuchur.  No  nian  kin  tell  what  de  nex  hun’erd 
v’ars  will  bring  fo’th  by  lookin’  ober  de  fence  of  ole  grave- 
yards. What  am  our  fuchur?  Who  kin  tell  what  dis  nashun 
will  amount  to  if  it  keeps  on  in  the  way  it  hez  begun  ? If  any 
one  had  told  you  twenty  years  ago  dat  to-night  I would  stan’ 
befo’  you  wid  a paper  collah  on  my  neck,  you  would  have  set 
him  down  as  an  assassin.  'Yet  de  march  of  improv^emeut  has 
accomplished  eben  mo’  dan  dat.  For  de  sum  of  fifty  cents 
you  kan  have  a brass  watch  chain  fixed  up  so  nigh  like  gold 
dat  you  kin  work  it  on  a boss  trade  for  $50.  Ef  anybody  had 
told  George  Washington  dat  de  day  would  come  when  shirts 
would  button  behind,  what  would  dat  great  man  have  said  ? 
Dis  kentry  am  a mighty  clock.  Ebery  time  de  pend’lum 
swings  a child  am  bo’n.  Ebeiy  time  de  minit-hand  takes  a 
jump  somebod}^  comes  to  the  front  wid  a new  sort  o’  stomach 
bitters  or  an  improved  rat-trap.  Ebery  hour  ticked  off  am  a 
mile  o’  railroad  built,  a bridge  laid  down,  a hill  leveled  or  a 
forest  cleared.  Such  of  us  as  kin  remember  back  a hun’erd 
y’ars  realize  de  change  mo’  dan  de  young  folks.  Sicli  of  us 
as  lib  a hun’erd  y’ars  in  de  fuchur  will  not  be  siifpris'ed  to  see 
jugs  wid  free  handles,  coffee-pots  dat  shet  up  lil^tTJack-knife, 
rat-traps  dat  illuminate  de  house,  an’  rockin-clia’rs  dat  sail 
aroun’  on  wheels.”  The  speaker  closed  amid  cheers  and  ap- 
plause, and  for  the  remainder  of  the  evening  was  given  the 
seat  of  honor  under  the  Bear-Trap. — Detroit  Free  Press. 


‘^SAYING  TU'F  ^COUNTBY.^^ 

‘‘They  are  saving  the  country  at  Noblesville  to-day,”  the 
fat  passenger  remarked  before  we  came  away  Monday  morn- 
ing. 

“ Yes,”  the  sad  passenger  said,  “it  is  disunion  and  an- 
archy, or  Diffendorfer  for  Trustee.” 

“ Elect  Diffendorfer  Trustee,”  said  the  cross  passenger, 
“and  ihe  throes  of  dissolution  seize  on  this  wretched  and  en- 
slaved country  the  next  day.” 

“A  vote  for  Diffendorfer,”  shouted  the  tall,  thin  passenger, 
“cements  more  closely,  and  binds  more  firmly,  the  union 
already  laid  in  the  best  blood  of  our  fathers.” 


lu 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


“Elect  DifFendorfer,”  the  fat  passenger  said,  “and  the 
malice  and  hate  of  500  centuries  of  despotism  is  crowned 
with  success,  and  the  fair  republic  that  has  repelled  the 
assaults  of  all  the  world,  dies  by  the  parricidal  hand  of  its 
own  ungrateful,  traitorous  and  blood-dyed  children.” 

“Elect  Diffendorfer,”  said  the  man  with  the  green  gog- 
gles, “and  the  reeling  thrones  of  the  effete  monarchies  of 
Europe  crumble  to  the  dust,  and  the  barbarous  despotisms  in 
the  far  Orient  fall  to  the  earth  amid  the  crushing  of  broken 
dynasties  that  have  been  upheld  by  centuries  of  lawless  and 
pitiless  power.” 

“ Elect  this  man  Oiffendorfer,”  snorted  the  fat  passenger, 
“and  you  will  live  to  hear  the  death  knell  of  liberty  ring 
through  the  land.  Make  him  Township  Trustee  and  you  will 
see  the  sacred  rights  of  man,  the  honor  of  citizenship,  the 
glories  of  the  Republic,  the  sanctity  of  the  fireside,  the  purity 
of  the  home,  the  holiness  of  the  church,  the  sacred  retire- 
ment of  the  cloister,  are  trampled  ruthlessly  under  his  cruel 
and  polluting  feet ; elect  Diffendorfer ” 

“Diffendorfer  ain’t  a running,”  said  the  woman  who  talks 
•bass,  and  as  usual,  when  she  croaks,  she  cuts  off  the  debate 
as  witli  the  previous  question,  to  the  great  disappointment  of 
the  man  with  the  green  goggles,  who  was  just  ready  to  launch 
out  with  a crusher  as  soon  as  the  fat  passenger  was  out  of 
breath.  And  so  we  came  away  from  Nobiesville.— 
tori  Hamk^tje. 


LOOKING  FOR  T EE  E L E C T R 1 C LI  G RT. 

About  8 o’clock  yesterday  forenoon  a man  whose  form  was 
full  of  wrinkles,  and  kinks,  and  twists,  crawled  out  of  a coal- 
shed  on  the  wharf  and  began  yawning  and  rub bing  his  eyes 
like  one  who  had  put  in  a heavy  night.  A policeman  lounged 
that  way,  gave  the  man  a looking  over,  and  asked  : 

“Sleep  in  there  last  night?” 

“Yaas,  kinder,”  was  the  reply. 

“ Looking  for  work  ?” 

“N-n-o,  not  exactly.’’ 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL, 


11 


“You’ll  be  run  in  if  you  bang  around  in  this  way,”  re- 
marked the  officer. 

The  man  put  his  hands  on  top  of  a snubbing  post,  laid  his 
chin  on  his  hands,  and  after  a long  look  at  Canada  he  turned 
and  said: 

“I  dunno  exactly  what  I’m  going  to  do.  I did  live  out 
here  about  eight  miles,  but  I’ve  separated  from  the  old 
woman.  Yes,  separated  last  night.” 

“What’s  the  trouble?” 

“Waal,  she  was  my  second,  and  I was  her  second,  and  we 
never  got  along  any  too  sweet.  We  both  of  us  think  we  know 
it  all,  and  neither  feels  like  giving  in.  We  came  to  see  the 
circus.” 

“Ah!  you  did?” 

“And  that’s  where  the  separation  took  place — right  in  front 
of  the  sacred  hyenas  from  Japan.  You  know  they  adver- 
tised an  electric  light  there?” 

“ Yes.” 

“Well,  we’d  never  seen  one.  When  we  got  into  the  me- 
nagerie, there  stood  the  elephant.  Then  came  the  camels. 
Then  we  came  to  a darned  old  bear.  P^urther  on  were  the 
lions  and  tigers  and  monkeys,  but  no  electric  light.  We 
walked  three  times  around  that  old  tent  without  coming  to 
his  cage,  and  I got  mad.  Says  I to  one  of  the  chaps  over  the 
rope:  ‘ Whar  in  thunder  is  the  cage  with  the  electric  light  in  ? 
We  want  to  see  him  or  have  our  money  back!’  The  feller  he 
grinned  all  over,  and  lots  of  folks  laffed  right  out,  and  my 
wife  she  flew  up  and  said  I’d  made  a fool  of  myself.  ‘How?’ 
says  I.  ‘Why,  the  electric  light  is  not  an  animal  at  all,’  says 
she,  ‘ but  it  has  something  to  do  with  the  clown.’  We  had  a 
big  jaw  right  there.  • She  caved  my  hat  in,  and  I broke  her 
parasol,  and  then  I separated.” 

“And  you  won’t  make  up?” 

“Makeup!  Never!  She  can  take  the  electric  light  and 
bake  and  eat  him,  but  I’m  a man  who  never  crawls!  I’m 
going  down  to  Toledo,  I am,  and  by  this  time  to-morror.  I’ll 
be  drunker’ n a horse!” 

“And  you  didn’t  see  the  electric  light  after  all?” 

“ No  ! I don’t  believe  they  had  any  ! Maybe  they  thought 
they  could  work  that  ’ere  rhinoceros  off  on  the  public  by  an- 


12 


THE  FUKNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


Other  name,  but  I tumbled  in  a minit.  I’m  an  old  rhinos  my- 
self, and  my  wife  is  another,  and  when  I think  of  how  I stood 
there  and  let  her  call  me  a fool  afore  all  the  people,  I’m  mad 
’nulf  to  walk  clear  home  and  pizeii  her  half  of  the  yoke  of 
oxen!” — Detroit  Free  Press. 


TOOTH  PULLING  IN  OIL  CITY. 

An  Oil  City  man  was  standing  in  front  of  a dentist’s  office 
witli  an  anxious,  unhappy  look  in  his  eyes,  and  two  yards  of 
flannel  round  his  lower  jaw.  He  cast  sorrowful  glances  up- 
ward to  the  dentist’s  sign,  and  in  a hesitating  sort  of  way 
placed  his  foot  on  the  lower  stair  ; then  came  out  to  the  street 
again  as  if  he  had  forgotten  something.  Sol.  Solon  came 
along  at  this  moment,  and,  with  a thoughtful  interest  in  the 
man’s  welfare,  said: 

‘‘Toothache,  eh?  Coin’  to  have  it  pulled?  Ever  have  a 
tooth  pulled  ? No?  Well,  you’d  better  go  right  up  afore 
your  courage  fails  you.  Worst  thing  in  the  world  is  pullin’  a 
tooth.  I’ve  been  through  the  war,  had  both  lungs  shot  away, 
flrteen  bullets  in  my  head,  and  doctors  run  a probe  through  a 
hole  in  my  shoulder  right  down  through  my  body  to  my  toe 
— thought  ’twould  kill  me.  But,  man  alive,  I never  knew 
what  pain  was  ’till  I had  a tooth  pulled.  Maybe  you  think 
the  toothache  is  horrible.  It  is.  It’s  awful ! But  wait  till 
the  dentist  runs  them  air  iron  tongs  in  }^our  mouth,  pulls  the 
tooth  right  down  through  your  jaw-bone,  and  then  yanks  away 
as  if  he  was  pulling  on  an  old  engine,  and  yer’ll  think  the 
toothache  ain’t  no  more  to  be  compared  to  it  than  a flea-bite  is 
to  a railroad  accident.  Yer  had  better  go  right  up  though, 
and  have  it  out.  Don’t  let  anything  I said  cause  yer  to  back 
out.  I merely  wanted  to  prepare  your  mind  to  it.  An’  don’t 
take  ether.  Knew  a man  oncet  who  took  ether  an’  he  died. 
It’s  dangerous.  Just  go  right  up,  an’  have  it  out.  I’ll  go  u}> 
with  yer,  and  see  how  yer  stand  it  when  he  begins  twistin’ 
the  bones  round.  Yer  won’t  sleep  a wink  to-night  if 
3'er  don’t  have  it  out;  and  may  be  yer  won’t  anyhow,  for 
sometimes  the  tooth  breaks  the  jaw,  imflammatory  rheuma- 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


13 


tism  strikes  the  what’s  its-name  nerve,  and  the  what-thej-call- 
it  sets  in.” 

Just  at  this  moment  a young  man  practicing  on  a French 
horn  ill  one  of  the  upper  rooms  blew  a long  ear-piercing 
blast,  like  the  yell  of  a man  in  torment,  and  as  the  last  sound 
echoed  through  the  hall,  the  Colonel  said,  “That’s  it,  there’s 
some  one  gettin’  a tooth  pulled  now,  and  the  dentist  hasn’t 
any  more  than  just  give  the  first  twist  either.  Come  right 
up  an’  have  yours  yanked.  Whoop!  there  he  goes  again!” 
as  another  terrible  blast  from  the  horn  came  down  the  stair- 
case. “Hold  on,  hold!”  yelled  the  Colonel — but  he  wasn’t 
quick  enough  to  stop  the  man  with  the  aching  tooth,  who 
rushed  out  of  the  doorway  and  down  the  street  so  fast  that 
his  two  yards  of  flannel  became  unwound  and  streamed  behind 
him  like  signals  of  danger, — while  the  villainous  old  Colonel 
sat  down  on  the  lower  step  and  laughed  till  his  eyes  ached. — 
Oil  City  Derrick. 


HIS  LOST  BANNER. 

The  police  yesterday  had  a call  from  an  old  man  who  had 
come  down  from  Isabella  county  with  his  wife  to  see  the  State 
Fair.  He  was  in  a heap  of  trouble  over  the  fact  that  they  had 
become  separated,  twenty-four  hours  previously,  and  all  his 
hunting  and  inquiring  had  failed  to  get  trace  of  her.  He  ex- 
plained the  separation  as  follows : 

“You  see,  we  was  looking  at  the  runnin’  races.  Sich  things 
alius  excite  me,  fur  I’ve  bin  thar’  myself.  The  hoss  I bet  on 
was  losin’  ground,  and  I tried  to  climb  a stump  to  swing  my 
hat  and  encourage  him.  That  let  the  crowd  in  between  me 
and  Hanner,  and  fast  I know  I couldn’t  find  her.” 

“ How  old  is  your  wife?”  asked  the  officer. 

“About  22,”  replied  the  old  man,  as  the  red  came  to  his 
face.  “She’s  my  tliird  wife,  you  see,  and  maybe  I was  a 
leetle  foolish.” 

“ Did  she  have  any  young  lovers?” 

“ Piles  of  ’em.” 

“ Were  any  of  them  at  the  State  Fair?” 

“ I believe  I saw  two  or  three.” 


14 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


“Old  man,”  said  the  officer,  after  a long  pause,  “I  want 
to  ask  you  a question,  and  I hope  you  won’t  be  offended.” 
“No,  sir,  I won’t  be  miffed  at  anything  you  ask.” 

“Suppose,  now,  that  your  wife  had — had ? That  is  to 

say,  suppose ?” 

“ By  gum  !”  exclaimed  the  old  man,  as  he  shut  up  his  jack- 
knife, “I  believe  I ketch  your  meaning.  If  Hanner  has 
played  that  trick  on  me,  somehody’JI  git  shot.” 

“That’s  only  my  theory,”  mused  the  officer.  “Perhaps 
she  loves  you  and  wouldn’t  think  of  eloping.” 

“I  dunno  about  that — I dunno.  I gave  her  a hundred  and 
twenty  acres  of  mighty  nice  land  before  she’d  have  me. 
What  shall  I do  ? I feel  as  if  I stood  on  a hot  gridiron.” 
“Take  one  more  look  over  the  grounds,  and  I’ll  see  you  at 
the  grand  stand  in  an  hour.” 

The  old  man  hurried  off  at  a canter,  and  when  the  hour 
was  up  the  officer  walked  down  to  the  stand.  There  he  found 
a cross-eyed,  lop-shouldered  woman,  sitting  on  the  fence,  with 
her  No.  T feet  displayed  to  the  gaze  of  thousands.  Beside 
her  was  the  old  man.  When  he  saw"  the  officer,  he  got  down 
and  shook  hands  and  whispered : 

“That’s  her,  and  she  never  even  thought  of  eloping.” 

The  officer  looked  the  youiig  wife  over  from  head  to  foot, 
vnd  was  turning  away  when  the  old  man  whispered: 

‘‘I  kin  see  them  feet,  and  them  eyes,  and  that  shoulder, 
just  as  plain  as  you  kin,  but  I’m  no  fool ! Her  mother  is  the 
only  woman  in  our  county  who  weaves  rag-carpets,  and  her 
dad  has  lent  me  $200  without  an  indorser!  And,  say — ” 
“Yes.” 

“The  land  I gin  her  has  twelve  tax-titles  and  a mortgage 
on  it!  See?  Keluck — whoop!  I’m  no  chicken.” 

And  he  climbed  up  beside  her,  put  his  arm  around  her 
waist,  and  yelled  out  that  he  would  back  the  roan  horse 
.against  the  field. — Detroit  Free  Press. 


MARK  TWAIN  ON  TEE  ANT. 

In  his  “Tramp  Abroad,”  Mark  says:  “Now  and  then, 
while  we  rested,  we  watched  the  laborious  ant  at  his  work. 
I found  nothing  new  in  him — certainly  nothing  to  change  my 


TUljJ  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


17 


“Well,  if  a hero  jumped  in  after  me  I’d  lean  my  head  on 
his  shoulder  like  this,  and  let  him  put  his  right  arm  around 
my  waist  and  support  me  until  help  arrived.” 

“ Hero  be  hanged!  A hero  would  look  nice  holding  up 
190  pounds,  wouldn’t  he?” 

“He’d  look  as  nice  as  you^  would!  I don’t  believe  you 
could  keep  your  head  above  water  to  save  your  life.” 

couldn’t,  eh!  Then  I won’t  learn  you  a single  stroke 
about  swimming!” 

“ Then  you  needn’t!” 

“And  it  any  man  ever  jumps  overboard  and  rescues  you, 
I’ll  punch  his  head.” 

“And  if  you  ever  jump  in  after  anybody,  I know  I’ll  have  to 
pay  their  funeral  expenses  out  of  my  share  of  this  property  !’' 
“ Yery  well,”  said  Mr.  Hopkins  as  he  put  cn  his  coat.  “ 1 
see  I am  not  wanted  in  my  own  house.  If  I am  not  home  to- 
night it  won’t  do  you  any  good  to  telephone  me  at  the  office, 
for  I shall  have  the  wire  grounded.” — Detroit  Free  Press, 


SUCCESS  WITH  SMALL  FRUITS. 

Formerly  the  blackberry  was  regarded  as  merely  a bramble 
in  this  country.  It  is  still  quite  generally  so  regarded.  When 
a man  gets  to  thinking  it  is  not  a bramble,  all  he  has  to  do  is 
to  go  waltzing  around  in  a healthy  patch,  with  nothing  on  him 
but  a cotton  shirt  and  a pair  of  tow  trousers,  and  he  will  come 
out  restored  to  the  faith  of  his  fathers.  The  greatest  enemy 
the  blackberry  has  is  boys.  Five  boys,  from  town,  can  eat 
more  green  blackberries  in  a day  than  would  ripen  in  a week. 
For  many  years  the  great  desideratum  has  been  a hardy  berry 
that  could  res'st  the  premature  onslaught  of  boys  from  the 
town.  It  is  a great  desideratum  still.  The  Schneider,  a 
variety  that  was  invented  by  an  Iowa  horticulturist,  is  the 
nearest  approach  to  it.  It  is  bred  from  a perfectly  green  ])cr- 
simrnon,  crossed  with  a dog- wood  tree,  and  still  further  j)ropa- 
gated  with  a hybrid  of  wormwood-bush  and  crab-apple.  It  is 
not  a perfect  defense,  but  there  are  very  few  boys  who  care  to 
eat  jnore  than  a quart  of  them.  Nobody  else,  liowcver,  can 
go  past  the  field  where  the  Schneider  is  growi/ig,  witliout  being 


18 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


attacked  with  Asiatic  cholera,  and  this  tends  to  weaken  the 
partial  success  this  hardy  berry  has  achieved.  Then  tliere  is 
a bug — I do  not  know  the  name  of  it — that  crawls  over  the 
berries  now  and  then.  When  you  eat  a berry  that  has  been 
glorified  by  a visit  from  this  bug,  you  lie  down  in  the  briers 
and  pray  Heaven  to  take  you  liome  in  just  about  three  seconds. 
And,  if  you  live,  you  can  wake  up  in  the  night,  along  in  the 
middle  of  the  next  winter,  and  shudder  as  you  taste  of 
that  berry. 

When  your  blackberries  grow  too  thickly,  you  will  want  to 
thin  them  out.  To  this  end  you  must  kill  some  of  them.  This 
can  be  done  by  digging  a well  where  the  plant  stands,  then 
turn  the  farm  upside  down  and  let  it  dry  out  thoroughly  for  a 
couple  of  years,  then  turn  it  over,  upside  down,  and  start  a 
brick-yard  on  the  back  of  it.  This  will  kill  off  some  of  the 
plants.  There  may  be  some  shorter  and  cheaper  method  of 
killiijg  blackberry  bushes  than  this,  but  I never  heard  of  it, 
and  it  isn’t  likely  that  there  is  any. 

If  you  want  to  devote  about  forty  acres  of  ground  to  the 
cultivation  of  blackberries,  plant  about  three  healthy  vines  in 
some  corner  of  th-e  field,  about  the  1st  of  April.  Then,  about 
the  1st  of  May,  the  man  who  owms  the  farm  on  the  other  side 
of  the  road  will  bring  civil  action  against  you,  and  try 
to  collect  damages  for  destruction  of  his  twm  fields  of  wheat 
by  a raid  of  blackberry  vines. 

It  is  not  known  just  at  wdiat  season  of  the  year  blackberries 
ripen.  The  blackberry  has  never  been  known  to  ripen.  If 
the  hucksters  and  boys  should  all  die  in  June,  it  is  probable 
that  the  berries  would  ripen  some  time  in  July  or  August. 
But  they  have  never  had  a chance  to  see  what  they  could  do 
at  ripening. 

The  blackberry  is  so  named  because  it  is  blue,  in  order  to 
distinguish  it  from  the  blueberry,  which  is  black. — Burlington 
Hawkey  e. 


THE  NEW  ^^ANN 1 111  L AT  O RN 

Bright  and  early  yesterday  morning.  Prof.  James  K.  P. 
Burlingame  made  his  appearance  on  several  streets  in  Detroit 
almost  at  the  same  moment.  You  would  have  known  him  to 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


19 


be  a Professor,  even  if  you  had  seen  him  tangled  up  with  the 
wheels  of  a butcher-cart.  That  tall  plug  hat,  carrying  the 
stains  of  years — that  linen  duster  girted  at  the  waist — his  long 
hair  hanging  down  to  keep  his  shoulders  warm,  was  a dead 
givm-away  on  his  title. 

The  Professor  came  here  to  dispose  of  individual  rights  to 
use  his  “Fly  Annihilator,”  and  he  didn’t  let  thoughts  of  the 
next  Presidential  election  set  him  down  on  a bench.  His  pic- 
colo voice  inquired  of  a woman  at  the  front  door  of  a house 
on  Congress  street  east : 

“ Madam,  have  you  ten  seconds  to  spare  this  morning?” 

“Ho,  sir!”  was  her  prompt  reply. 

“Very  well;  then  you  will  miss  seeing  my  Fly  Annihi- 
lator,”  he  remarked,  as  he  walked  off.  “Thousands  have 
missed  it  to  their  everlasting  sorrow — thousands  have  accepted 
it  and  been  made  happy  for  life.” 

“It’s  some  kind  o’  pizen  !”  she  called  after  him  down  the 
street. 

“Warranted  free  from  all  drugs  or  chemicals  dangerous  to 
the  human  system,  and  recommended  to  people  troubled  with 
sleeplessness,”  he  called  back  as  he  briskly  retraced  his  steps. 

“I’ve  got  screens  in  every  window,  and  yet  the  flies  get  in,” 
she  continued,  as  he  opened  his  satchel  on  the  steps. 

“Of  course  they  do — of  course.  A fly  is  like  a human  be- 
ing. Bar  him  out  and  he  is  seized  with  a desire  to  get  in  at 
any  price.  Tell  him  he  can’t,  and  he  will  or  break  his  neck. 
Fling  away  your  screens  and  depend  entirely  on  my  fly-anni- 
hilator,  warranted  to  kill  on  sight,  and  can  be  worked  by  a 
child  four  years  old.  This  is  the  application.” 

He  took  from  the  satchel  an  eight-ounce  bottle  filled  with  a 
dark  liquid!  and  provided  with  a small  brush,  and,  liolding  it 
up,  continued : 

“One  25-cent  bottle  does  for  twenty  doors,  and  I give  you 
directions  how  to  make  all  you  want.  No  poison  here — 
nothing  in  this  bottle  to  trot  little  children  up  to  the  cem- 
etery” 

“Why,  you  don’t  put  it  on  the  flies,  do  you?”  she  asked. 

“Not  altogether,  madam.  An}^  child  can  use  it,  as  I said 
belore.  Just  watch  me  a moment.” 

He  swung  the  front  door  open,  and  with  the  brush  applied 


20 


TUK  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


the  mixture  to  the  back  edge,  giving  it  a thin  coat  from  top 
to  bottom. 

“Now,  then,"’  he  said,  as  he  swung  the  door  back,  “flies 
like  sweet.  This  mixture  is  sweet.  The  fly  alights  on  the 
door,  and  you  swing  it  shut,  and  ho  is  jammed  against  the 
casing  and  crushed  in  an  instant.  Every  door  is  capable  ot 
killing  1,000  flies  per  day.  If  you  have  twelve  do(>rs  your 
aggregate  of  dead  flies  will  be  exactly  12,100.  When  you 
have  crushed  about  2,000  on  a door,  take  an  old  knife  and 
scrape  them  off  and  begin  over  again.” 

“ Do  you  suppose !”  began  the  indignant  woman,  but 

he  interrupted  lier  with: 

“Don’t  suppose  anything  about  it,  except  that  it  will  mash 
flies  and  never  miss.  All  you  have  to  do  is  to  open  every 
door,  apply  the  mixture,  and  then  shut  them  in  succe8sir)n. 
If  you  have  twelve  doors  and  twelve  children,  you  can  leave 
it  all  to  the  children.  And  only  25  cents  per  bottle.” 

“Do  you  think  I want  all  my  doors  daubed  up  with  flies 
and  molasses?”  she  shouted,  as  she  made  a cuff  at  the  bottle. 

“Just  as  you  prefer,  madam,”  he  quietly  replied.  “Some 
do  and  some  don’t.  Some  won’t  have  it  at  any  price,  and 
others  even  set  up  extra  doors  in  the  back-yard  in  order  to  use 
lots  of  it.  I’ll  warrant  this  liquid  to  draw  ’em,  if  you’ll  only 
open  and  shut  the  doors.” 

“ I won’t  buy  it — I won’t  have  it!”  she  shouted,  as  she 
jammed  the  broom  against  the  door. 

“ Very  well,  madam;  very  well.  If  you  prefer  a fly  on 
your  nose  to  one  on  the  door  I can  raise  no  objections.  Re- 
member, however,  that  this  is  my  farewell  tour  previous  to 
appearing  before  the  crowned  heads  of  Europe,  and  you  will 
not  have  another  chance  to  secure  the  annihilator.  All  you 
have  to  do  is  to  take  your  sewing  on  your  lap  and  open  and 
shut  the  door  at  regular  intervals.” 

“If  my  husband  was  here  he’d — he’d ” 

“He’d  buy  the  right  for  this  county  and  make  $20,000  in 
two  months ; but,  as  he  is  not  here,  we’ll- bid  you  good-day 
and  pass  on.  Sorry,  madam,  but  some  folks  prefer  to  kill 
tltfclr  flies  with  a pitchfork,  and  the  man  with  pitchforks  will 
call  here  in  fifteen  minutes.” — Detroit  Free  Press. 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


21 


BRO.  GARB  NEWS  LIMEKILN  CLUB. 

“Las  nite,  soon  arter  de  bells  struck  ’leben,”  began  the  old 
man  as  the  meeting  opened,  “ some  pusson  to  me  unknown 
hurled  a ten-poun’  rock  agin  mj  front  doah.  By  de  time  I 
could  get  outer  bed  an’  git  ray  collar  an’  neck-tie  on  de  said 
pusson  had  made  his  escape.  I has  libed  in  dis  town  risin’  of 
nineteen  y’ars,  an’  dis  am  de  fust  time[  war  eber  disturbed. 
It  shows  dat  sounthin’  said  heah  agin  some  of  de  bad  habits 
which  some  of  our  cullud  folkses  has  fallen  into  has  hit  de 
mark  an’  gone  home.  I shall,  howsumbeber,  keep  right  on 
talkin’  to  de  bes’  ob  my  ability,  and  would  furder  add  dat  if 
I cotch  any  low-down  man  in  de  act  of  bangin’  my  house  wid 
a rock,  I shall,  for  de  space  of  de  succeedin’  seben  minnits, 
forgit  dat  I eber  jined  de  church  or  rung  de  bell  for  de  Thurs- 
day ebenin’  prayer-meetin’.  I menshun  dis  circumstance 
simply  bekase  dar  was  a report  on  de  streets  yesterday  dat  a 
murderer  had  broken  inter  my  cabin  an’  killed  de’  ole  woman 
an’  crippled  me  for  life.  We  will  now  purceed  wid  de  straight- 
aiged  order  of  business.” 

The  Committee  on  Agriculture  submitted  the  following 
well- written  report: 

Whar’as,  Great  big  red-cored  watermellyons  from  de  Stait 
of  Alabama  hev  made  dar  ’pearance  in  market;  an’, 

Whar’as,  De  openin’  of  de  mellyon  sezun  am  an  occashun 
fur  gineral  rejoicin’  ’mong  de  cullud  populashun  ; now,  dar- 
forte, 

Resolved,  Dat  dis  Club  does  hereby  rejoice  an’  soun’  de 
loud  cimball  in  honor  of  de  event. 

The  report  and  resolution  were  accepted,  and  the  janitor 
was  instructed  to  see  that  the  next  meeting  was  supplied  with 
at  least  ten  large  and  well-developed  specimens  of  the  water- 
melon tribe. 

A communication  from  the  office  of  the  Secretary  of  the 
State  of  Indiana,  signed  “per  Smith,”  inquired  if  tlie  Lime- 
kiln Club  was  in  harmony  with  an  Indianapolis  organization 
known  as  “The  Dusky  Knights  of  Honor.”  The  said  Asso- 
ciation had  been  getting  trusted  for  crackers  and  herrings  on 
the  strength  of  being  a branch  lodge  of  the  Detroit  Club. 

The  Secretary  was  instructed  to  repudiate  the  organization, 


22 


thp:  funniest  book  of  all. 


tooth  and  nail,  and  to  forward  a postal  card  to  every  Lime- 
kilner  in  Indiana,  warning  him  to  beware  of  it. 

Some  time  since  tlie  relations  between  pastor  and  congre- 
gation in  a certain  colored  church  in  Michigan  became  so 
inharmonious  that  it  became  necessary  to  bounce  one  party  or 
the  other.  At  a church  meeting  the  preacher  was  called. a 
liar,  and  in  return  he  upset  a deacon  wdth  a blow  on  the  jaw. 
It  was  decided  to  submit  the  case  to  Brother  Gardner  in  the 
following  form  : 

“ ’Sposen  you  was  a preacher  of  de  gospel,  an’  de  leadin’ 
elder  of  your  church  called  you  a liah?”  Would  you  hit  him 
or  forgib  him  ?” 

“If  dey  wants  my  opinyun  on  dat  case  it  can  soon  be 
gibben,”  said  the  old  man  as  he  rose  up.  “If  I war  a 
preacher  of  de  gospel  an’  de  leadin’  elder,  or  any  odder  elder, 
called  me  a liah,  an’  he  war  in  dead  airnest,  I’d  light  down 
on  him  like  an  elefant  rollin’  ober  a lamb!  Yes  I would,  an’^ 
den  I’d  ax  him  if  he  had  any  friends  who  wanted  to  see  me 
wid  my  coat  off  an’  my  muscle  worked  up.  I doan  go  a cent 
on  de  man  who  gets  such  a fill  of  religion  dat  folks  can  make 
a foot-ball  of  him.” 

George  Washington  Harmony,  of  Richmond,  Va.,  far- 
warded  a communication  to  the  effect  that  he  was  the 
inventor  of  a patent  whitewash  brush  which  worked  by 
means  of  a crank  and  hopper,  and  in  case  his  expenses 
were  paid  to  Detroit  and  back  he  would  deliver  three  lectures 
on  the  patent,  and  present  one  to  the  Club,  lie  further  in- 
quired if  the  membership  tickets  used  by  the  Club  would  ad- 
mit the  bearer  into  a circus. 

The  Secretary  was  instructed  to  write  for  a cut  of  the  inven- 
tion, and  to  reply  to  the  last  inquiry  that  an  arrangement  had 
been  proposed  by  Barnum,  but  the  contract  had  not  yet  been 
signed.  It  may  be  stated  here  that  the  tattooed  man  is  an 
honorary  member  of  the  Club,  and  that  Mr.  Barnum  has 
promised  to  present  it  with  a stuffed  giraffe  at  the  earliest 
possible  day. 

A favorable  opportunity  having  presented  itself,  the  Glee 
Club  wrestled  with  the  following,  which  Giveadam  Jones 
composed  several  weeks  since,  and  which  he  wanted  sung,  as 
an  experiment : 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OP  ALL. 


98 


Experience  has  amply  proved, 

And  the  fiat  of  the  Medical  * 

Faculty  authenticates  the 
Statement,  that  quinine  is  . 

The  most  reliable  specific 
For  malarial  fevers  and  a 
Tonic  and  nervine  of  singular 

Efficiency.  In  its  usual  ; 

Form  the  bitterness  of  the  fla- 
vor constitutes  an  objection 
To  it  with — ” 

At  this  point  the  President’s  gavel  came  down  with  such  a 
bang  that  the  musician  who  was  playing  the  fastest  and  sing- 
ing the  loudest  was  nearly  upset.  Inquiries  were  made  as  to 
the  author  of  the  poem,  and  Mr.  Jones  was  walked  to  the 
front  and  asked  to  explain.  A few  words  convinced  him  that 
his  experiment  was  a failure,  and  he  was  warned  that  any 
further  public  efforts  on  his  part  to  add  to  the  harmony  of  the 
proceedings  by  song-writing  would  give  him  a seat  on  the  back 
benches. 

The  Committee  on  Internal  Improvements  here  announced 
their  readiness  to  make  a special  report.  Some  days  since 
Brother  Samuel  Shin,  one  of  the  charter  members  of  the  club, 
was  charged  with  drunkenness,  and  the  committee  was  in- 
structed to  investigate  and  bring  their  findings  before  tlie 
lodge.  The  report  was  as  follows : 

‘‘  De  charge  was  dat  on  a certain  day  an’  date  Brudder  Shin 
was  noticed  to  fall  down  five  times  while  gwine  from  a certain 
butcher-shop  to  his  house,  a distance  of  two  blocks.  Fo’  white 
men  an’  a boy  testified  to  dis  fack  befo’  dis  committee.  Brud- 
der Shin  came  befo’  dis  committee  wid  de  statement  dat  when 
de  wind  am  in  de  east  and  de  air  full  o’  ’lectricity  he  am  sub- 
ject to  blindness,  as  was  de  case  dat  day.  His  statement  am 
s’ ported  by  his  wife  an’  dorter,  who  hev  eben  known  him  to 
fall  down  on  de  doah-step  at  midnight.  Dis  committee,  takin’ 
all  tings  inter  consideiashun,  hez  arrove  at  de  concliishun  dat 
Brudder  Shin  hez  cl’ared  hisself  of  de  charge  of  drunkenness, 
an’  do  so  report.” 

There  was  deep  silence  for  half  a minute,  and  then  Brother 
Gardner  (juietly  observed: 


24 


THE  FUNNIEST  HOOK  OF  ALL. 


“Brudder  Shin,  you  hev  bin  investigated  an’  cl’ared  of  de 
charge,  but  in  de  fucher  I want  you  to  keep  your  eye  on  de 
wedder-vanes  aroun’  town,  an’  when  you  see  de  wind  shiftin’ 
do  you  make  tracks  fur  hum.  We  will  now  dissolve. — Detroit 
Free  Press. 

POET  AND  N E WSPAP  EE-MAN. 

Anybody  could  tell  what  he  had.  Every  man  in  the  sanc- 
tum knew  in  a minute.  The  timid  knock  at  the  door  gave 
him  clear  away  at  the  very  start.  No  man  or  woman  ever 
knocks  at  a sanctum  door  unless  he  comes  on  that  fatal  errand. 
Then  he  came  inside  and  took  off  his  hat  and  bowed  all  round 
the  room,  when  every  man  on  the  staff  roared  out  in  terrible 
chorus,  ‘'Come  in!”  Then  he  asked  for  the  editor,  and  when 
tlie  underlings,  with  a fine  mingling  of  truth  and  grammar, 
pointed  to  the  youngest  and  the  newest  man  in  the  office  and 
yelled,  “That’s  him!”  lie  walked  up  to  the  young  gentleman 
designated,  and  before  he  could  unroll  his  manuscript  we  knew 
die  subject  of  it,  and  a deep  groan  echoed  around  the  room. 

“Poetry,  young  man?”  asked  the  editor. 

“Yes,  sir,”  said  the  poet;  “a  couple  of  triolets  and  a son- 
net on  the  marriage  of  my  sister  with  an  old  college  friend.” 

“Old  college  friend  male  or  female,  young  man?”  asked 
the  editor,  severely. 

“Male,  sir,”  said  the  young  man. 

He  said  “ sir  ” every  tune,  and  every  time  he  said  it  all  the 
young  gentlemen  of  the  staff,  save  the  young  gentleman  who 
personated  the  Governor,  snickered.  lie  looked  severe. 

“Anything  more,  young  man?”  he  asked. 

“Yes,  sir,”  replied  the  infant  Tennyson;  “a  kind  of  an 
idyl,  an  ode  inscribed  ‘To  My  Lost  Love.’  ” 

“Love  been  lost  very  long?”  asked  the  journalist,  very 
critically. 

“Well,  it’s  immaterial,  that  is,”  stammered  the  young  man ; 
“it’s  indefinite — it’s ” 

“ Ever  advertised  for  it?”  asked  the  reporter  who  was  writing 
a puff  for  Slab’s  tombstones,  but  who  was  instantly  frowned 
down. 

“Anything  more?”  asked  the  principal  interlocutor,  “any- 
thing more,  young  man  ?” 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


25 


‘‘Yes,  sir,”  was  the  hopeful  response;  “a  threnody  in 
memory  of  my  dejDarted  brother.” 

“ Brother  dead,  young  man,  or  only  gone  to  Sagetown?” 

“Bead,  sir.” 

“Your  own  brother?” 

“No,  sir.  I never  had  a’real  brother;  it’s  only  imaginary.” 

“Can’t  take  this,  then,  young  man,”  was  the  chilling  reply. 
^‘Poetry,  to  find  acceptance  with  Hawkey must  be  true. 
Have  to  reject  this  threnody,  not  because  it  is  not  very  beauti- 
ful, but  because  it  is  not  true.  Now,  how  much  do  you  want 
for  those  others?”  And  he  fingered  them  over  like  a man 
buying  rnink-skins. 

The  poet  really  didn’t  know.  He  had  never  published  be- 
fore ; he  had  barely  dared  to  hope  to  have  his  verses  pub- 
lished at  all.  A few  copies  of  the  paper  containing  them,  he 
was  sure 

“Oh,  no,”  the  editor  broke  in,  “oh,  no,  no,  sir;  can’t  do 
that;  we  don’t  do  business  that  way.  If  a poem  or  sketch  is 
worth  publishing,  it  is  worth  paying  for.  Would  $15  pay  you 
for  these?” 

The  poet  blushed  to  the  fioor  with  gratitude,  and  the  young 
journalist  grandly  wrote  out  an  order  and  handed  it  to  the 
poet. 

“ Take  that  to  the  court-house,”  he  said,  “and  the  Audi- 
tor’s clerk  will  give  you  the  money.” 

The  poet  bowed  and  withdrew,  and  with  great  merriment 
the  journalists  burned  his  poems  and  resumed  their  work. 

That  wasn’t  the  funny  part  of  it,  however.  The  next  day 
the  simple  minded  poet  presented  his  order  to  the  clerk  desig- 
nated. And  it  was  so  that  the  clerk  owed  the  paper  $18  for 
subscription  and  advertising,  and  he  promptly  cashed  the 
•order  and  turned  it  in  when  his  bill  was  presented,  and  the 
manager  just  charged  it  to  the  salary  account  of  the  smart 
young  journalist  who  signed  the  order,  and  the  happiest  man 
and  the  maddest  man  in  America  are  living  in  Burlington. 
One  of  them  is  a happy,  green,  unso])histicated  young  machine 
poet,  and  the  other  is  a wide-awake,  up-to-snufi‘,  know-the- 
world,  get-up-and-dust  young  journalist,  who  is  already  a rival 
of  Horace  Greeley  in  some  of  the  verbal  departments  of  jour- 
nalisin . — Burlinyton  Hawkeye. 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


2() 


MARK  TWAIN  ON  BLUE  JAYS. 

Mr.  Mark  Twain’s  two  volumes  of  European  travel,  enti- 
tled “The  Tramp  Abroad,”  contain  liis  estimate  of  the  blue 
jay.  With  his  well-known  proclivity  for  modesty  the  author 
presents  this  estimate  in  the  words  of  a certain  “Jim”  Baker, 
a ralifornia  miner : “There’s  more  to  a blue  jay  than  any 

other  creature.  He  has  got  more  moods  and  more  different 
kinds  of  feeling  than  any  other  creature;  and  mind  you,  what- 
ever a blue  jay  feels  he  can  put  into  language.  And  no  mere 
commonplace  language,  either,  but  rattling,  out-and-out  book 
talk — and  bristling  with  metaphor,  too — just  bristling!  And 
as  for  command  of  language — why,  you  never  see  a blue  jay 
get  stuck  for  a word.  No  man  ever  did.  They  just  boil  out 
of  him.  And  another  thing,  I’ve  noticed  a good  deal,  and 
tliere’s  no  bird,  or  cow,  or  anything  that  uses  as  good  gram- 
mar as  a blue  jay.  You  may  say  a cat  uses  good  grammar. 
Well,  a cat  does — but  you  let  a cat  get  excited  once;  you  let 
a cat  get  to  pulling  fur  with  another  cat  on  a shed,  nights,  and 
you’ll  hear  grammar  that  will  give  you  the  lockjaw.  Ignorant 
people  think  it’s  the  noise  which  fighting  cats  make  that  is  so 
aggravating,  but  it  ain’t  so,  it’s  the  sickening  grammar  they 
use.  Now,  I’ve  never  heard  a jay  use  bad  grammar  but  very 
seldom  ; and  when  they  do,  they  are  as  ashamed  as  a human  ; 
they  shut  right  down  and  leave. 

“ You  may  call  a jay  a bird.  Well,  so  he  is,  in  a measure 
— because  he^s  got  feathers  on  him,  and  don’t  belong  to  no 
church,  perhaps;  but  otherwise  he  is  just  as  much  a human 
as  you  be.  And  I’ll  tell  you  for  why.  A jay’s  gifts  and  in- 
stincts and  feelings  and  interests  cover  the  whole  ground.  A 
jay  hasn’t  got  any  more  principle  than  a Congressman.  A 
jay  will  lie,  a jay  will  steal,  a jay  will  deceive,  a jay  will  be- 
tray ; and  four  times  out  of  five  a jay  will  go  back  on  his  sol- 
emnist  promise.  The  sacredness  of  an  obligation  is  a thing 
which  you  can’t  cram  into  no  blue  jay’s  head.  Now,  on  top 
of  all  this,  there’s  another  thing ; a jay  can  outswear  any 
gentleman  in  the  mines.  You  think  a cat  can  swear.  Wei), 
a cat  can ; but  you  give  a blue  jay  a subject  that  calls  for  his 
reserve  powers,  and  where  is  your  cat?  Don’t  talk  to  me — I 
know  too  much  about  this  thing.  And  there’s  yet  another 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALB. 


2T 


thing;  in  the  one  little  particular  of  scolding — just  good^ 
clean  out-and-out  scolding — a blue  jay  can  overlay  anything^ 
human  or  divine.  Yes,  sir,  a jay  is  everything  that  a man  is. 
A jay  can  cry,  a jay  can  laugh,  a jay  can  feel  shame,  a jay 
can  reason  and  plan  and  discuss,  a jay  likes  gossip  and  scan- 
dal, a jay  has  got  a sense  of  humor,  a jay  knows  when  he  is 
an  ass  just  as  well  as  you  do — maybe  better.  If  a jay  ain’t 
human,  he’d  better  take  in  his  sign,  that’s  all.” 


LONG  RANGE  SHOOTING. 

Nat.  Willey  did  not  like  to  give  up  beat  when  it  came  to 
yarns  of  shooting;  for  Nat.,  irr  his  youth  and  early  manhood, 
had  been  somewhat  noted  as  a sportsman,  both  with  the  gun 
and  the  fishing  rod.  Born  and  reared  in  the  shadows  of  the- 
White  Mountains ; nearly  related  to  the  unfortunate  family 
whose  monument  in  the  ‘‘  Willy  Notch”  is  the  work  of  thou- 
sands of  syujpathizers — he  had  lived  in  the  time  when  game 
was  plenty,  both  in  wood  and  water. 

On  a certain  autumnal  evening  Nat.  sat  in  the  spacious  bar- 
room of  the  Conway  House,  where  a goodly  company  were 
gathered  around  a great  open  fire  of  blazing  logs,  when  the 
conversation  turned  upcm  rifle-shooting  as  compared  with  the 
shot-gun  ; and  those  who  advocated  the  rifle  based  their  claims 
for  superiority  partly  on  its  longer  range.  And  this  led  to 
stories  of  long  ranges  ; and  the  distances  to  which  one  or  two- 
of  those  ])resent  had  fired  a rifle-ball,  with  killing  effect,  was 
wonderful.  Nat.  had  listened,  but  had  said  nothing  of  his 
own  j)rowess.  (J)ne  man,  from  Virginia,  told  several  marvel- 
ous stories,  one  of  which  was  to  the  effect  that  his  father,  who 
had  been  one  of  the  pioneers  into  Kentuck}',  had  once  owned 
a rifle  with  which  he  had  killed  a deer  at  the  distance  of  two; 
miles ! 

“ I know  it  seems  almost  incredible,”  he  said,  in  conclusion  ; 
“ but  the  ground  was  measured  by  a practiced  surveyor,  and 
that  was  the  sworn  result.” 

A brief  silence  followed  this,  which  was  broken  by  Charley 
Head,  who  said  to  Old  Nat. : 


28 


\'  /' 


THE  FUNJS'IEfeT  BOOK  OF  ALL. 

“Look  here,  Uncle  Nat,  how  about  that  ritie  that  General 
Sam.  Knox  gave  to  you  ? If  I don’t  forget,  that  could  shoot 
some.” 

“You  mean  the  one  that  I had  to  fire  salted  balls  from, 
eh?” 

“ Yes.  Tell  us  about  it.” 

“Pshaw!  It  don’t  matter.  Let  the  old  piece  rest  in  its 
glory.’ 

And  the  old  resident  would  have  sat  back  out  of  the  way, 
blit  the  story-tellers  had  become  suddenly  interested. 

Let  us  hear  about  it,”  pleaded  the  gentleman  whose  father 
had  been  a compatriot  with  Daniel  Boone.  “Did  I under- 
stand you  that  you  salted  your  bullets?” 

“Always,”  said  Nat,  seriously  and  emphatically. 

“ And  wherefore,  pray  ?” 

“Because,”  answered  the  old  mountaineer,  with  simple 
honesty  in  look  and  tone,  “that  rifle  killed  at  such  a distance 
that,  otherwise,  especially  in  warm  weather,  game  would  spoil 
with  age  hefore  1 could  reach  it.’’’’ — S.  C.^  Jr.^  in  Ledger. 


BEATING  A CONDUCTOR. 

A passenger  going  West  from  Detroit  by  rail,  the  other 
day,  had  a pass  to  Chicago.  When  the  conductor  took  it  up 
he  asked  several  question  to  satisfy  himself  that  the  pass  had 
not  been  transferred,  and  the  holder  of  the  pasteboard  didn’t 
take  it  as  good-naturedly  as  some  men  would.  He  didn’t 
have  much  to  say,  but  he  was  determined  on  revenge.  As 
soon  as  the  conductor  left  the  car,  the  man  changed  seats,  re- 
moved his  linen  duster,  took  off  his  hat,  and  looked  like  a 
different  person  altogether.  After  the  train  left  the  next  sta- 
tion the  conductor  came  along  with  an  eye  out  for  new  pas- 
sengers, and  presently  reached  out  for  the  holder  of  the  pass. 

“I  haven’t  got  any  ticket,”  was  the  surly  answer. 

“ Then  you  must  pay  your  fare.” 

“I  won’t  do  it.” 

“See  here,”  said  the  conductor,  as  he  began  to  wake  up, 
“you  must  either  pay  your  fare  or  produce  a ticket.  If  not, 
I’ll  drop  you  on  the  road.” 

“ Drop  and  be  hanged  !” 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


29 


The  train  was  not  stopped,  but  after  a run  of  ten  minutes 
it  reached  a station,  and  arrangements  were  made  for  bounc- 
ing the  man.  Wlien  all  was  completed  he  showed  his  pass. 

“A¥hj  didn’t  you  tell  me  you  had  a pass?”  roared  the 
conductor. 

“ Why  didn’t  you  ask  me  ?”  shouted  the  traveler. 

‘‘  Well,  I don’t  like  such  fooling.” 

“ ISTor  I,  either.” 

The  train  went  on,  and  the  man  put  on  his  duster,  traded 
hats  with  a passenger,  and  again  looked  like  some  one  else. 
He  changed  his  seat  to  the  front  end  of  the  car,  and  was- 
seemingly  sound  asleep  when  the  conductor  again  had  occa- 
sion to  pass  through.  He  took  two  fares,  and  then  held  out 
his  hand  to  the  traveler.  There  was  no  response.  He  shook 
the  sleeper  gently,  but  the  latter  slept  on.  Then  he  shook 
him  good  and  stout,  and  called  ‘‘ticket”  in  his  ear. 

“ How  dare  you  shake  me  around  in  this  manner  ?”  shouted 
the  man  as  he  awoke  and  stood  up. 

“Ticket,  please.” 

“But  I don’t  please!  How  dare  you  come  to  me  every 
time  the  train  leaves  a station?” 

The  conductor  looked  down  the  aisle,  thought  he  saw  the 
man  with  the  pass  in  his  old  seat,  and  said  to  the  other  : 

“Come,  sir,  don’t  bother  me.  I want  your  ticket.” 

“You  can’t  have  it!” 

“Then  I’ll  put  you  off!” 

He  reached  for  the  bell-rope,  but  seeing  a general  grin  all 
around  the  car  he  stopped  and  looked  more  closely  at  the 
man,  and  recognized  him  as  the  one  with  the  pass.  He  went 
out  without  a word,  and  when  he  returned,  half  an  hour  later, 
he  expected  another  trap.  He  looked  carefully  over  the  car, 
and  was  going  slowly  along  in  search  of  new  faces,  when  a 
man  with  his  coat  off,  and  under  the  influence  of  liquor  called 
out: 

“ Shay,  Captain,  I hain’t  got  any  ticket !” 

“ Ah,  you  can’t  beat  me  again — knew  you  as  soon  as  I en- 
tered the  car?”  chuckled  the  otflcial,  and  he  walked  on  with 
a broad  grin  on  his  face. 

It  was  not  until  he  saw  the  shirt-sleeved  man  get  off  at  the 
next  station  that  he  knew  he  had  been  mistaken  again,  and 


so 


THE  FDNNIE&T  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


bad  let  him  travel  for  nothing,  while  the  man  with  the  pass 
was  in  the  smoking-car. — Detroit  Free  Press. 


HAD  HIS  POCKET  PICKED. 

On  the  fair-grounds  yesterday  an  honest-looking  old  chap 
walked  up  to  a policeman,  and,  after  passing  a few  remarks 
on  the  weather,  let  out  with : 

“iSee  here — I’ve  had  my  pocket  picked.” 

“Is  that  so?”  asked  the  officer.  “How  long  ago  was  it?” 
“Yesterday  forenoon.” 

“And  didn’t  you  report  it?” 

“Ho;  this  is  the  first  I’ve  said  about  it.” 

“How  much  did  you  lose?” 

“Wall,”  slowly  replied  the  visitor,  “I  didn’t  lose  much.  I 
believe  it  was  only  about  30  cents,  or  along  there.  I first 
thought  I wouldn’t  say  anything,  as  folks  might  think  I was 
green,  but  after  a hard  struggle  of  most  two  days  I have  con- 
eluded  that  justice  must  take  her  course,  no  matter  how  bad 
it  makes  me  feel.  If  you  can  recover  the  money.  I’ll  divide 
even  up  with  you,  and  mebbe  we  can  scare  the  feller  into  pay- 
ing me  50  cents  for  my  worry  !” 

The  pickpocket  still  rejoices  in  his  freedom. — Detroit  Free 
Press. 


SIGHS  A HD  PORTEHTS. 

When  the  crescent  of  the  young  moon  sets  supinely,  its  horns 
in  the  air,  it  is  a sign  of  dry  weather,  because  in  this  position 
it  holds  all  the  water,  thus  preventing  its  fall  to  the  earth. 
This  is  also  a sign  of  wet  weather,  the  explanation  in  this  case 
being  that  a waterfull  moon  is  emblematic  of  a water-soaked 
earth.  Don’t  forget  this  sign  of  the  new  moon.  It  is  rarely 
you  will  find  one  so  impartially  accommodating. 

Whoever  finds  a four-leaf  clover  is  generally  a liar.  It  is  so 
much  easier  to  detach  one  leaf  from  a five-leaf  stalk  than  to 
hunt  for  one  with  four  that  the  temptation  to  mendacity  is  too 
much  for  average  clay. 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


31 


When  a mouse  gnaws  a hole  in  a gown,  some  misfortune 
may  be  apprehended.  The  misfortune  has  already  happened 
to  the  gown,  and  may  be  apprehended  to  happen  to  the  mouse. 

An  old  sign  is  that  a child  grows  proud  if  sulfered  to  look 
into  a mirror  while  less  than  12  months  old.  But  what  the 
average  infant  can  see  in  a nurror  to  make  it  proud  is  difficult 
for  any  but  its  parents  to  understand. 

A rosy  sky  in  the  west  at  evening  indicates  that  the  next 
day  will  be  pleasant,  barring  accidents  of  rain,  snow,  and  hail. 

If  you  take  down  your  shingle,  preparatory  to  putting  it  up 
in  a new  location,  it  is  a sign  you  are  moving. 

If  a hen  runs  across  the  street  directly  in  front  of  you,  it  is 
a sign  that  a hen  will  soon  be  on  the  other  side.  If  she  cross- 
es over  just  behind  you — pshaw!  who  ever  knew  a hen  that 
wouldn’t  die  in  her  tracks  rather  than  cross  one’s  pathway  in 
his  rear  ? 

When  you  see  a cat  running  around  furiously,  it  is  a sign 
that  the  crockery  or  glassware  is  in  danger. 

When  you  drop  a knife  and  it  sticks  in  the  floor,  it  is  a sign 
that  some  one  is  corning.  If  you  are  a small  boy,  ’that  some 
one  may  be  your  mother,  and  her  coming  be  to  remonsti'ate 
with  you  with  her  slipper. 

To  dream  of  a wedding  is  a sign  of  inanition. 

To  dream  cf  a funeral  betokens  too  much  poi’kand  cabbage. 

To  dream  of  finding  money  betokens  that  it  is  easier  to 
dream  of  finding  money  than  to  work  for  it. 

I'o  dream  that  it  is  Sunday  morning  is  heaven. 

To  be  suddenly  awakened  from  your  sweetest  sleep  to  find 
that  it  is  not  Sunday  is — that  is  to  say,  very  disagreeable. 
It  is  a sign  that  you  will  be  unhappy. 

A great  many  more  equally  infallible  signs  might  be  given, 
but  the  reader  has  jrrobably  had  enough  for  one  day.  The 
man  who  believes  in  signs  is  credulous  enough  to  believe  that 
our  knowledge  in  that  line,  as  well  as  in  every  other  line,  is 
inexhaustible. — Boston  Transcript. 


B RUDDER  GARDNERS  PATRIOT/ SAL 

“ To  die  for  one’s  kentry  am  gk;rus,”  began  the  old  man 
as  he  arose  in  his  majesty,  “ but  to  live  to  plant  beans  and  set 


32 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


out  onions  and  raise  taters  am  bettah  still.  I want  to  say  now 
and  heah,  befo’  de  politycal  campaign  is  busted,  dat  any 
member  ob  dis  club  wno  neglects  his  garden  patch  to  hurrah 
for  any  candidate,  or  help  along  any  boom,  will  be  walked  up 
heah  powerful  sudden  ! Polyticks  nebber  yit  put  a dollar  in 
any  honest  man’s  pocket,  nor  added  an  honest  loaf  of  bread 
to  any  laborin’  man’s  cupboard.  De  offis-hunter  who  will 
shake  hands  wid  you  an’  buy  vile  whisky  fur  your  stomach, 
will,  to-morrow,  coldly  pass  you  by  an’  sec  you  want  for 
bread.  Let  ’em  alone.  Let  dem  do  de  hurrahin’,  de  boomin’, 
de  marchin’,  an’  de  drinkin’,  an’  you’ll  hab  a bettah-lookin’ 
coat  on  yer  back,  an’  more  respect  fur  yerself  under  your 
wests.  Dat’s  all  just  now,  but  I shell  keep  de  subjec’  in 
pickle  fur  a furder  occashun.” — Detroit  Free  Press. 


THE  STATE  FAIR  TRICK, 

Soon  after  breakfast,  yesterday  morning,  a negro  who  was- 
crossing  the  Campus  Martius  was  halted  by  a run-down  white 
man  with  a bad  kink  in  his  left  eye,  and  asked  if  he  intended 
to  visit  the  State  Fair  during  the  week. 

“Yes,  sah — Ize  gwine  up  dar  at  least  fo’  times,”  was  the- 
reply. 

“Boy,  are  you  up  to  snuff?”  whispered  the  stranger. 

“Well,  sah,  I knows  a trick  or  two.” 

“Good — I thought  you  did.  Now,  then,  I want  10  cents- 
to  get  a drink,  and  I’ll  tell  you  how  you  can  make  your  way 
through  any  of  the  gates  without  the  least  trouble.” 

“Wouldn’t  I be  cotched?” 

“Not  a bit  of  it.  I’ll  warrant  you  to  go  through  without 
a word,  and  I only  want  10  cents  for  telling  you  how.  I 
wouldn’t  give  it  away  to  anybody  but  a sharp,  keen  man  like 
you.” 

“ Well,  I’ll  take  dat  in,”  said  the  negro  as  he  handed  over 
a dime.  “Now,  den,  how  kin  I pass  de  gates?” 

The  white  man  put  his  mouth  close  to  the  other’s  ear  and 
replied : 

“Fay  ’em  50  cents!” 

It  would  have  been  a pretty  even  fight,  but  an  officer  came 
along  and  squelched  it  in  the  blossom. — Detroit  Free  Press. 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


33 


THE  DIGNITY  OF  OFFICE. 

A Detroiter,  who  was  rusticating  in  one  of  the  wilderness 
counties  of  Michigan,  was  one  day  out  hunting  when  he  came 
upon  a hamlet  consisting  of  a saw-mill,  two  houses  and  a log 
barn.  The  sign  of  “Post  Office”  greeted  his  vision  over  a 
door  in  one  of  the  houses,  and  he  investigated.  The  office 
was  an  eight  by  ten  room,  and  the  boxes  for  mail  matter  num- 
bered just  four.  A written  sign  on  the  wall  announced  that 
the  mail  arrived  and  departed  once  a week,  and  the  Postmas- 
ter sat  behind  a pine  table  reading  the  Postal  Guide  and  chew- 
ing a sassafras  root. 

“Any  letter  for  John ?”  asked  the  Detroiter,  as  he 

looked  around. 

The  P.  M.  didn’t  shake  his  head  and  crush  the  inquirer’s 
hopes  all  at  once,  as  some  officials  do,  but  slowly  arose,  looked 
carefully  into  each  one  of  the  six  empty  boxes,  peered  into  ar> 
old  cigar  box  on  the  window-sill,  and  then  answered : 

“I  don’t  see  anything  just  now,  but  it  is  only  four  days  till 
the  next  mail.” 

“Is  this  a money-order  office?”  continued  the  stranger. 

“ Well,  no,  not  exactly,  though  we  handle  considerable 
money  here.” 

“ Can  I get  a dollar’s  worth  of  threes?”  asked  the  Detroit- 
er, after  a pause. 

“Well,  no,  not  exactly,”  replied  the  official,  looking  into 
his  wallet.  “I  guess  I can  spare  five  or  six  now  and  the  rOvSt 
next  week.” 

There  was  another  pause  as  the  Postmaster  vainly  tried  to 
make  change  for  a quarter,  and  the  Detroiter  finally  remarked: 

“This  isn’t  rated  as  a first-class  post-office,  is  it?” 

“Well,  no,  not  exactly,”  was  the  confidential  reply.  “Fact 
is,  we  don’t  do  a very  rushing  business  hero,  and  sometimes  I 
think  it  would  pay  me  better  to  go  back  to  the  farm.” 

“I  don’t  suppose  you  make  $20  a year  here,  do  you?” 

“ Well,  no,  not  exactly;  but  I don’t  look  at  that  altogetlier. 
The  position  that  it  gives  us  in  society  here  must  be  taken  into 
consideration,  you  know!” 

The  population  of  the  hamlet,  including  a tame  bear  and  a 
dog,  was  only  thirteen  souls. — Detroit  Free  Press. 


u 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


AGRl  CU  LTURAL  COMMENT  ON  THE 

CARS. 

“ The  wheat  never  looked  better,”  remarked  the  sad  pas- 
senger, gazing  out  of  the  window. 

“ Where  is  there  any  wheat?”  asked  the  fat  passenger. 

“ I don’t  know,”  was  the  calm  reply ; “I  don’t  really  know 
that  there  is  any  wheat  in  Wyandotte  County,  but  everybody 
always  talks  about  the  wheat  looking  finely  at  this  time  of  the 
year,  and  I know  that  it  must  be  the  proper  thing  to  say.” 

“ That  is  wheat  in  the  field  on  our  right,”  said  the  man  on 
the  wood-box. 

“ That  green  stulf?”  echoed  all  the  other  passengers,  rush- 
ing to  the  window. 

“Yes,”  he  replied,  “that  bright,  dark-green  stuff.” 

^ “Why,”  they  chorused  again,  in  disappointed  tones,  “it 
looks  like  grass.” 

‘‘I  thought  wheat  was  yellow,”  said  the  passenger  with  the 
sandy  goatee  ; “ don’t  they  always  talk  about  the  yellow  fields 
and  the  golden  grain?” 

“That’s  when  it  is  ripe,”  exclaimed  the  man  on  the  wood- 
box. 

“ Wheat  yellow  when  it’s  ripe?”  incredulously  cried  the 
sad  passenger.  “ I guess  you’re  thinking  of  corn-meal.  JIow 
could  thfey  make  white  bread  out  of  yellow  wheat?” 

“There  are  two  kinds  of  wheat,  aren’t  there?”  asked  the 
tall,  thin  passenger. 

“ Yes,”  said  the  man  on  the  wood-box,  “spring  and  winter.” 

“ How  do  they  differ?” 

“Well,”  the  man  on  the  wood-box  said,  “spring  wheat  is 
planted  in  the  spring,  and  winter  wheat  is  planted  in  the  win- 
ter.” 

“I  have  heal’d  farmers  talk  of  fall  wheat,”  the  fat  passen- 
ger said. 

“Yes,”  the  man  on  the  wood-box  assented  ; and  then,  in 
answer  to  their  looks  of  inquiry,  he  added,  “it  is  planted  in 
the  fall.” 

“ I thought,”  the  passenger  with  the  sandy  goatee  remark- 
ed, “that  spring  wheat  was  planted  in  the  fall  and  harvested 
in  the  spring?” 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


35 


The  man  on  the  wood-box  said  : “Yes,  he  believed,  come 

to  think  of  it,  that  was  the  way  of  it.” 

“ And  winter  wheat,  then,”  the  sad  passenger  suggested, 
“is  planted  in  the  spring  and  harvested  in  the  winter  ?” 

The  man  on  the  wood-box  shifted  uneasily  in  his  seat  and 
looked  nervously  up  and  down  the  car. 

“Well,  yes,”  he  said,  “he  guessed  it  was  that  way.” 

“ Then  fall  wheat?”  asked  the  fat  passenger,  earnestly. 
And  the  man  on  the  wood-box  bit  off  the  end  of  a match, 
took  off  his  hat  and  looked  into  it,  and  finally  said  he  believed 
it  wasn’t  planted  until  next  fall. 

“ Then  you  get  three  crops  of  wheat,”  said  the  sad  passen- 
ger, “ofi*  the  same  field  in  one  year?” 

The  man  on  the  wood-box  said  “yes,”  but  so  faintly  that 
he  had  to  repeat  it  twice  before  they  could  hear  him. 

“ Which  is  the  best  wheat?”  asked  the  tall,  thin  passenger. 
The  man  on  the  wood-box  was  heard  by  a strange  passen 
ger  to  whisper  to  the  stovepipe  that  “he  wished  he  was  dead,” 
but  he  rallied  a little  and  said  : 

“For  bread ?” 

“Yes,  for  bread.” 

The  man  on  the  wood-box  opened  his  mouth  to  reply,  when 
he  caught  the  eye  of  the  woman  who  talks  bass  fixed  upon 
him  with  a strange,  intense  expression.  He  got  off  his  perch, 
walked  down  the  aisle  to  the  disused  and  abandoned  water- 
tank,  looked  around  for  the  long-lost  tin  cup,  drew  some  hy- 
pothetical water  .into  it  out  of  the  empty  tank,  took  a long 
drink  of  nothing  out  of  it,  and  as  he  came  back  to  his  seat, 
the  subdued  croak  of  the  woman  who  talks  bass  and  the  com- 
posed countenances  of  the  otlier  passengers  ccmvinced  him 
they  had  been  laughing  about  something.  But  he  didn’t 
seem  to  care  what  it  was  about,  for  he  didn’t  ask,  and  pres- 
ently he  drew  liis  hat  down  over  his  eyes  and  dissembled 
sleep.  — Burlington  Ilawkeye. 


TllK  INDIAN  AND  THE  TELEPHONE. 

An  amusing  application  of  the  wonders  of  the  telephone  as 
an  assistant  detective  of  crime  comes  to  us  from  Julian. 
Several  horses  were  recently  stolen  in  that  neighborhood,  and 


36 


THE  FUNKIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


suspicion  fell  upon  a certain  Indian  as  the  thief.  Some  one 
having  introduced  a telephone  up  there,  the  same  was  being 
exhibited,  when  it  occurred  to  the  owner  of  the  stolen  horses 
to  get  the  Indian  to  come  in  and  hear  the  ‘‘Great  Spirit” 
talk.  The  Indian  took  one  of  the  cups  and  was  thrilled  with 
astonishment  at  being  apparently  so  near  the  Great  Keeper  of 
the  Happy  Hunting  Grounds.  After  some  little  time  spent  in 
wonderment,  the  Indian  was  solemnly  commanded  by  the 
Great  Spirit  to  “give  up  those  stolen  horses!”  Dropping 
the  cup  as  if  he  had  been  shot,  the  Indian  immediately  confessed 
to  having  stolen  the  horses,  and  tremblingl}^  promised,  if  his 
life  was  spared,  he  would  restore  the  “cabailos  ” at  once,  and 
he  did  so. — San  Diego  {Cal.)  Union. 


A TELEPEO  NE  STORY. 

“You’ve  got  a telephone  here,  haven’t  you  ?”  asked  a citi- 
zen as  he  yesterday  entered  an  office  on  Griswold  street  in  a 
seeming  great  hurry. 

“Yes,”  was  the  reply. 

“ Well,  I never  believed  in  ’em  to  any  great  extent,  but  I 
want  to  order  some  coal  from  a yard  up  the  river.” 

The  owner  of  the  office  proceeded  to  “call,”  and  when  he 
got  the  coal  dealers  he  said  : 

“Mr.  Blank  is  here,  and  he  wants  to  know  if  you  have  any 
soft  coaH” 

“ Yes — 500  tons,”  was  the  answer. 

“ Well,  he  wants  you  to  send  him  up  a ton.” 

“We’ll  see  him  blowed  first  I He  has  owed  us  a bill  for 
over  two  years  I” 

“ Yum  1”  muttered  the  man  as  he  stepped  back. 

“Did  they  say  they’d  send  it?”  asked  the  other. 

“N-o,  not  exactly.” 

“What  did  they  say?” 

“ I — I didn’t  catch  it  very  well.  Let  me  repeat.”  Pick- 
ing up  the  trumpet  again,  he  stood  with  it  to  his  ear  and 
asked : 

“ Did  you  say  you’d  send  it?” 

“ Not  by  a blamed  sight,”  came  the  response. 


THE  FUNHIEftl'  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


37 


‘‘  jVell  ?”  asked  the  mau  a painful  pause  ensued. 
“Well,”  replied  the  operator,  “ this  line  isn’t  working  very 
well  this  morning,  and  you’d  better  go  to  the  office  four  doors 
below.  The  dealers  seem  to  hear  me  well  enough,  but  I don’t 
get  hold  of  their  anwser  plainly.  The  other  instrument  is 
probably  working  all  right.” 

“But  I shan’t  bother  any  one  else,”  growled  the  man. 
“ As  I said  before,  I never  did  believe  in  ’em  to  any  great  ex- 
tent, and  now  I’ve  lost  what  little  faith  1 had.  Much  obliged, 

' — good  day.” 

If  his  ear  had  been  at  the  trumpet  his  faith  would  have  been 
l)ig  as  a mountain. — Detroit  Free  Press. 


GOING  TO  ^‘STIGE.^' 

Three  or  four  days  ago  a gentleman  passing  up  Griswold 
street  was  halted  by  a very  courteous,  but  very  hard*up  tramp, 
who  said : 

“ Will  you  give  me  money  enough  to  enable  me  to  purchase 
a dish  of  fried  oysters?”' 

“ Fried  oysters ! Great  lands!  But  you  are  mighty  par- 
ticular for  a penniless  man  !”  exclaimed  the  pedestrian. 

“So  I am — so  I am.  I was  brought  up  that  way,  sir.  I’m 
out  of  money,  hungry  as  a wolf,  and  want  fried  oysters  and 
their  appropriate  surroundings.” 

He  didn’t  get  them.  Next  day  he  was  encountered  on  the 
post-office  steps,  looking  more  hungry  than  the  day  before, 
and  the  gentleman  inquired  : 

“ Have  you  concluded  to  come  down  to  beef  and  potatoes 
yet  ?” 

“ No,  sir, — I still  stick  for  fried  oysters,”  was  the  reply. 

At  dark  that  night  the  high-toned  tramp  encountered  the 
tsame  man  in  a grocery  on  Woodward  avenue,  and  without 
waiting  to  be  questioned  he  began  : 

“ I still  call  for  fried  oysters.” 

“ And  you  haven’t  got  ’em  ?” 

“No,  sir.” 

“ And  you  are  about  as  near  starved  as  you  want  to  be*”’ 


38 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


“Nearer,  sir.  In  fact,  I am  about  to  die!  I was  born  a 
gentleman,  I’m  naturally  high-toned,  and  I want  to  die  de- 
cently. We  will  skip  over  the  subject  of  fried  oysters,  and  I 
will  ask  yon  to  lend  me  a pair  of  red  woollen  mittens  and  a 
cigar-holder,  to  aid  my  corpse  in  making  a decent  appearance 
before  the  Coroner  and  reporters  !” 

The  crowd  contributed  30  cents  to  buy  him  the  fried  oysters. 


SFOO  PEND  YKE^S  INCONVENIENCE. 

“My  dear,”  said  Mr.  Sj)oopendyke,  feeling  up  the  chim- 
ney, “have  you  seen  my  gold  collar  button  ?” 

“I  saw  it  the  daj^  I bought  it,”  answered  Mrs.  Spoopen- 
dyke,  cheerily,  “and  I thought  it  very  pretfy.  Why  do  you 
^ask  ?” 

“ ’Cause  I’ve  lost  the  measly  thing,”  responded  Mr.  Spoop- 
endyke,  running  the  broom  handle  up  into  the  cornice,  and 
shaking  it  as  if  it  were  a carpet. 

“You  don’t  suppose  it  is  up  there,  do  you?”  asked  Mrs. 
Spoojpendyke.  “Where  did  you  leave  it?” 

“Left  it  in  my  shirt.  Where  do  you  suppose  I left  it? — in 
the  hash?”  and  Mr.  Spoopendyke  tossed  over  thiiiirs  in  his 
wife’s  writing  desk,  and  looked  out  of  the  window  after  it. 

“Where  did  you  leave  your  shirt?”  asked  Mrs.  Spoopen- 
dyke. 

“Where  did  I leave  my  shirt?  Where  do  you  suppose  I 
left  it  ? Where  does  a man  generally  leave  his  shirt,  Mrs. 
Spoopendyke?  Think  I left  it  in  the  ferry  boat?  Got  an  idea 
I left  it  at  the  prayer  meeting,  haven’t  you?  Well,  I didn’t. 
I left  it  off,  Mrs.  Spoopendyke,  that’s  where  I left  it.  I left 
it  off.  Hear  me?”  And  Mr.  Spoopendyke  pulled  the 
winter  clothing  out  of  the  cedar  chest  that  hadn’t  been  un- 
locked for  a month. 

“Where  is  the  shirt  now?”  persisted  Mrs.  Spoopendyke. 

“ Where  do  you  suppose  it  is  ? Where  do  you  imagine  it 
is?  I’ll  tell  you  where  it  is,  Mrs.  Spoopendyke,  it’s  gone  to 
Bridgeport  as  a witness  in  a land  suit.  Idea ! Ask  a man 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


39 


where  his  shirt  is!  You  know  I haven’t  been  out  of  the 
room  since  I took  it  oif and  Mr.  Spoopendjke  sailed  down 
stairs  and  raked  the  tire  out  of  the  kitchen  range,  but  did  not 
find  the  button. 

‘‘Maybe  you  lost  it  on  the  way  home,”  suggested  Mrs. 
Spoopendyke,  as  her  husband  came  up,  hot  and  angry,  and 
began  to  pull  a stufied  canary  to  pieces  to  see  if  the  button 
ha  1 got  inside. 

•‘Oil,  yes,  very  likely!  I stood  up  against  a tree  and  lost 
it.  Then  I hid  it  behind  a fence  so  I wouldn’t  see  it.  That’s 
the  way  it  was.  If  I only  had  your  head,  Mrs.  Spoopendyke, 
I’d  turn  it  loose  as  a razor  strop.  I don’t  know  anything 
sharper  than  you  are;”  and  Mr.  Spoopendyke  clutched  a 
hanclfurof  dust  off  the  top  of  the  wardrobe. 

“It  must  have  fallen  out,”  mused  Mrs.  Spoopendyke. 

“Oh!  it  must,  eh?  It  must  have  fallen  out?  Well,  I de- 
clare, I never  thouglit  of  that.  My  impression  was  that  it 
took  a buggy  and  drove  out,  or  a balloon  and  hoisted  out;” 
and  Mr.  Spoopendyke  crawled  behind  the  bureau  and  com- 
menced tearing  up  the  carpet. 

“ And  if  it  fell  out  it  must  be  somewhere  near  where  he 
left  his  shirt.  Now,  he  always  throws  his  shirt  on  the  lounge, 
and  the  button  is  under  that.” 

A moment’s  search  soon  established  the  infallibility  of  Mrs. 
Spoopendyke’s  logic. 

“Oh,  yes!  Found  it,  didn’t  you?”  panted  Mr.  Spoopen- 
dyke, as  he  bumped  his  head  against  the  bureau  and  finally 
clitnbed  to  a perpendicular.  “ Perhaps  you’ll  fix  my  shirts 
so  it  won’t  fall  out  any  more,  and  maybe  you’ll  have  sense 
enough  to  mend  that  lounge,  now  that  it  has  caused  so  much 
trouble.  If  you  only  tended  to  the  house  as  I do  to  my  busi- 
ness, there’d  never  be  any  difficulty  about  losing  a collar 
button.” 

“ It  wasn’t  my  fault — ” began  Mrs.  Spoopendyke. 

“ W isn’t,  eh?  Have  you  found  that  coal  bill  you’ve  been 
looking  for  since  last  March?” 

“ Yes.” 

“Have,  eh?  Now  where  did  you  put  it?  Where  did  yon 
find  it?” 

“ In  your  overcoat  —Brooklyn  KigU> 


40 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


‘‘TO  rent:^ 

Yesterday  morning  a card  of  “ To  Kent  ” was  nailed  to  a 
house  on  Brush  street.  It  was  a large  card,  and  the  printing 
was  plain.  A bold  line  at  the  bottom  said  that  people  should 
inquire  next  door,  and  pretty  soon  the  calls  commenced.  The 
first  man  who  came  began  : 

“Is  the  house  next  door  to  rent?” 

“Yes.” 

Then  it  is  not  for  sale  ?” 

“No,  sir.” 

“ Isn’t,  eh?  I thought  it  was  for  sale,”  he  said  as  he  went 
away. 

The  next  man  stood  looking  at  the  card  for  a full  five  min- 
utes, and  then  called  next  door  and  said : 

“I  s’pose  that  house  is  empty,  isn’t  it  ?” 

“Yes.” 

“Then  it  is  to  rent?” 

“Yes.” 

“How  long  has  it  been  to  rent?” 

“Only  one  day.” 

“ How  long  will  it  be  to  rent  ?” 

“Can’t  tell.” 

“Well,  if  I can’t  find  out  anything  about  it  here.  I’ll  go  to 
the  owner.  I s’pose  he’s  in  Europe,  isn’t  he  ?” 

“ No;  he’s  in  New  York.” 

“ Ah!  that’s  alwa3’s  the  way.  Well,  if  I conclude  to  take 
the  house,  I’ll  call  around  again.” 

The  third  caller  was  a lady.  She  looked  in  to  the  empty 
house  and  then  called  next  door  and  said  : 

“ I see  that  you  have  a house  to  rent.” 

“ Yes.  ” 

“Will  it  be  painted  this  spring  ?” 

“Yes.” 

“Was  the  last  family  very  respectable  ?” 

“Yes.” 

“ Has  it  ever  been  a boarding  house?” 

“No.”  . i 

“ It  has  a cellar  and  hot  and  cold  water?” 

“Yes.” 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


41 


“And  folding  doors  and  grates?” 

“Yes.” 

“ Well,  we  have  had  some  thoughts  of  moving  this  spring. 
I don’t  much  think  we  shall,  but  if  we  do,  and  this  house  is 
to  rent  when  we  get  ready,  I’ll  look  through  it.” 

The  fourth  caller  was  also  a lady.  She  looked  in  all  the 
windows,  entered  the  back  yard  and  called  next  door  and 
-asked : 

“ Can  you  tell  me  if  this  darling  little  house  is  to  rent?” 

“ It  is.” 

“ It  is  the  sweetest  little  house  in  all  Detroit,  and  I know 
that  a family  would  be  happy  in  it.  It  reminds  me  of  a ro- 
mantic little  house  in  the  outskirts  of  Paris.  How  much  is 
the  rent?” 

“ Eighteen  dollars  per  month.” 

“Eighteen  dollars!  That’s  highway  robbery!  Why,  it’s 
a squatty  little  pig-pen,  no  sun,  no  air,  and  as  gloomy  as  a 
prison  ! You  must  be  crazy ! Do  you  think  war  times  have 
come  again  ? That’s  all  I want  to  know.  I didn’t  care  about 
changing,  anyhow,  but  being  out  for  a walk,  and  seeing  the 
card  up,  I thought  I might  as  well  inquire.” — Detroit  Free 
.Press. 


AF  HUMBLE  PRINTER. 

A Dutchman,  sitting  in  the  door  of  his  tavern,  in  the  far 
west,  is  approached  by  a tall,  thin  Yankee,  who  is  emigrating 
westward,  on  foot,  with  a bundle  hung  on  a cane  over  his 
shoulder. 

“Yell,  Mister  Yalkin  Stick,  vat  you  vant?”  inquired  the 
Dutchman. 

“ Rest  and  refreshment,”  replied  the  printer. 

“Supper  and  locliin’  I reckon?” 

“Yes,  supper  and  lodging,  if  you  please.” 

“ Pe  ye  a Yankee  peddler,  mid  cliewelry  in  your  pack  to 
cheat  der  gals?” 

“No,  sir,  I’m  no  Yankee  peddler.” 

“A  singin’  master,  loo  lazy  to  work? 

No,  sir.” 


42 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


“ A shenteel  shoemaker,  vat  loves  to  measure  der  gal’s  feet 
and  hankies  better  tan  to  make  der  shoes.” 

“No,  sir,  or  I should  have  mended  m3"  own  shoes.” 

“ A book  achent  vot  bodders  der  school  committees  till  they 
do  vot  3'ou  wish,  choost  to  get  rid  of  3"ou  ?” 

“ Guess  again,  sir  ; I am  no  book  agent.” 

“ Ter  tjefuls  ! A dentist  preaking  der  people’s  jaw  at  a 
dollar  a schnag,  and  runnin’  off  mit  a daughter?” 

“No,  sir;  I’m  no  tooth-puller.” 

“ Phenologus,  den  ; feeling  der  jmung  folk’s  heads  like  so 
many  cabbitch  ?” 

“No;  I am  no  phrenologist.” 

“ Yell,  den,  vat  ter  tj^efuls  can  you  be  ? Choost  tell,  you 
shall  have  the  best  sassage  for  supper,  and  sday  all  night,  free 
gratis,  mitout  a cent,  and  a chill  of  whisky  to  start  out  mit  in 
de  morn’.” 

“ I am  an  humble  disciple  of  Faust — a professor  of  the  art 
that  preserves  all  arts — a typographer,  at  3"our  service.” 

“ Yotsch  dot  ?” 

“ A printer,  sir;  a man  that  prints  books  and  newspapers.” 
“A  man  vot  printsch  noosepapers ! Oh,  yaw,  yaw!  ay, 
dat  ish  it.  A man  vat  printsch  noosepapers  1 yaw ! yaw  ! 
Yalk  lip  ! A man  vot  printsch  noosepapers  ! I vish  I may 
be  shot  if  I did  not  tink  you  vas  a poor  tj’eful  of  a dishtrick 
schoolmaster,  who  works  for  nodding,  and  boards  round.  I 
tought  you  vas  him.” — Burlington  Rawkeye. 


HOW  LINCOLN  AND  JUDGE  B 

SWAPPED  HORSES. 

When  Abraham  Lincoln  was  a lawyer  in  Illinois,  he  and  a 
certain  Judge  once  got  to  bantering  one  another  about  trading 
horses ; and  it  was  agreed  that  the  next  morning  at  9 o’clock 
they  should  make  a trade,  the  horses  to  be  unseen  up  to  that 
hour,  and  no  backing  out,  under  a forfeiture  of  $25. 

At  the  hour  appointed  the  Judge  came  up,  leading  the 
sorriest-looking  specimen  of  a horse  ever  seen  in  those  parts. 
In  a few  minutes  Mr.  Lincoln  was  seen  approaching  with  a 


THE  FUxNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


wooden  saw-horse  upon  his  shoulders.  Great  were  the  shonts 
and  the  laughter  of  the  crowd,  and  both  were  greatly  increased 
when  Mr.  Lincoln,  lii  surveying  the  Judge’s  animal,  set  down 
his  saw-horse,  and  exclaimed  : ‘‘Well,  Judge,  this  is  the  first 
time  I ever  got  the  worst  of  it  in  a horse  trade.” 


SPOOPEN  D YKE^S  NEW  BATHING 
SUIT. 

“ My  dear,”  observed  Mr.  Spoopendyke,  looking  up  from 
his  paper,  “ I think  I would  be  greatly  benefited  this  sum- 
mer by  sea  baths.  Bathing  in  tlie  surf  is  an  excellent  tonic, 
and  if  you  will  make  me  up  a suit  and  one  for  yourself,  if  you 
like,  we’ll  go  down  often  and  take  a dip  in  the  waves.” 

“ The  very  thing,”  smiled  Mrs.  Spoopendyke;  “you  cer- 
tainly need  something  to  tone  you  up,  and  there’s  nothing 
like  salt  water.  I think  I’ll  make  mine  of  blue  flannel,  and, 
let  me  see,  yours  ought  to  be  red,  my  dear.” 

“ I don’t  think  you  caught  the  exact  drift  of  my  remark,” 
responded  Mr.  Spoopendyke.  “I  didn’t  say  1 was  going  into 
the  opera  business,  or  that  I was  going  to  hire  out  to  my  coun- 
try village  as  a conflagration.  My  plan  was  to  go  in  swim- 
ming, Mrs.  Spoopendyke,  to  go  in  swimming,  and  not  to  grow 
up  with  the  country  as  a cremation  furnace.  You  can  make 
yours  of  blue  if  you  will,  but  you  don’t  make  mine  of  red,, 
that’s  all.” 

“ There’s  a pretty  shade  of  yellow  flannel — ” 

“Most  undubitably,  Mrs.  Spoopendyke,  but  if  you  think  1 
am  going  to  masquerade  around  Manhattan  beach  in  the  ca- 
pacity of  a ham,  you  haven’t  yet  seized  my  idea.  1 don’t  ap- 
prehend that  I shall  benefit  by  the  waters  any  more  by  goifig 
around  looking  like  a Santa  Cruz  rum  barrel.  What  1 want 
is  a bathing  suit,  and  it  you  can’t  get  one  up  without  making 
me  look  like  a Fulton  street  car.  I’ll  go  and  buy  something  to 
suit  me.” 

“ Would  you  want  it  all  in  one  piece,  or  do  you  want  pants 
and  blouse  ?” 

“ I want  it  easy  to  get  in  and  o i*-  ff'.  T’oi  not  }»urticular 


4:4: 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


about  following  the  fashion.  Make  up  something  neat,  plain 
and  substantial,  but  don’t  stick  any  fancy  colors  into  it.  I 
want  it  modest  and  serviceable.” 

Mrs.  Spoopendyke  made  up  the  suit  under  the  guidance  of 
a lady  friend,  whose  aunt  had  told  her  how  it  should  be  con- 
structed. It  was  in  one  piece,  and  when  completed  was  rath- 
er a startling  garment. 

I’ll  try  it  on  to-night,”  said  Mr.  Spoopendyke  eyeing  it 
askance  when  it  was  handed  him. 

Before  retiring,  Mr.  Spoopendyke  examined  the  suit,  and 
then  began  to  get  into  it. 

“ Why  didn’t  you  make  some  legs  to  it?  What  d’ye  want 
to  make  it  all  arms  for  ?”  he  inquired,  struggling  around  to 
see  why  it  didn’t  come  up  behind. 

“ You’ve  got  it  on  sideways,”  exclaimed  Mrs.  Spoopen- 
dyke.  “ You’ve  got  one  leg  into  the  sleeve.” 

“I’ve  got  it  on  sideways?  There  ain’t  any  top  to  it. 
'Don’t  you  know  enough  to  put  the  arms  up  where  they  be- 
long? What  d’ye  think  I am,  anyhow?  A star-fish?  Where 
•does  this  leg  go  ?” 

“ Right  in  there.  That’s  the  place  for  that  leg.” 

“Then  where’s  the  leg  that  goes  in  this  hole?” 

“ Why,  the  other  leg.” 

“The  measly  thing  is  all  legs.  Who’d  you  make  this 
thing  for — me?  What  d’ye  take  me  for — a centipede?  Who 
■ is  going  to  get  in  here  with  me?  I want  somebody  else.  I 
ain’t  twins  I can’t  fill  this  business  up.  What  d’ye  call  it, 
any  way,  a family  machine?” 

“ Those  other  places  ain’t  legs.  They’re  sleeves.” 

“What  are  the}^  doing  down  there?  Why  ain’t  they  up 
there  where  they  belong?  What  are  they  there  for — snow 
shoes?  S’ pose  I’m  going  to  stand  on  my  head  to  get  luy 
arms  in  those  holes?” 

“I  don’t  think  you’ve  got  it  on  right,”  suggested  Mrs. 
^Spoopendyke.  “ It  looks  twisted.” 

“ That’s  the  way  you  told  me.  You  said,  ‘Put  this  leg 
here  and- that  one  there,’  and  there  they  are.  Now  where 
does  the  rest  of  me  go?” 

“ I made  it  according  to  the  pattern,”  sighed  Mrs.  Spoop- 
ondyke. 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


45^ 

‘ Then  it’s  all  right  and  it’s  me  that’s  twisted,”  sneered 
Mr.  Spoopendyke.  ‘*1’11  have  my  arms  and  legs  altered. 
All  I want  is  to  have  my  legs  jammed  in  the  small  of  my 
back  and  get  my  arms  stuck  m my  hips  ; then  it’ll  fit.  What 
did  you  take  for  a pattern,  a crab?  Where’d  you  find  the 
lobster  you  made  this  from  ? S’ pose  I’m  going  into  the  water 
on  all  fours?  I told  you  I wanted  a bathing  suit,  didn’t  I ? 
Did  I say  anything  about  a chair  cover?” 

“I  think  if  you  take  it  off  and  try  it  on  over  again  it’ll 
work,”  reasoned  Mrs.  Spoopendyke. 

“ Oh,  of  course.  I’ve  only  got  to  humor  the  blasted  thing. 
That’s  all  it  wants,”  and  Mr.  Spoopendyke  wrenched  it  off' 
with  a growl. 

“Now  pull  it  on,”  said  Mrs.  Spoopendyke. 

“ Suit  you  now  ?”  he  howled.  “That  the  way  you  meant 
it  to  go  ? What’s  these  things  fiopping  here  ?” 

“Those  are  the  legs,  I’m  afraid,”  said  Mrs.  Spoopendyke, 
dejectedly. 

“ What  are  they  doing  here  ? I see  ; oh,  I see,  this  is  sup- 
posed to  represent  me  making  a dive.  When  I get  this  on 
I’m  going  head  first.  Where’s  the  balance?  Where’s  the 
rest?  Give  me  the  suit  that  represents  me  head  up,”  and  Mr. 
Spoopendyke  danced  around  the  room  in  fury. 

“Just  turn  it  over,  my  dear,”  said  Mrs.  Spoopendyke, 
“ and  you  are  all  right.” 

“ How'm  I going  to  turn  it  over?”  yelled  Mr.  Spoopen- 
dyke. “S’pose  I’m  going  to  carry  around  a steam  boiler  to 
turn  me  over  when  I want  the  other  end  of  this  thing  up? 
S’pose  I’m  going  to  hire  a man  to  go  around  with  a griddle 
spoon  and  turn  me  over  like  a flap-jack,  just  to  please  this  dod 
blasted  bathing  suit?  D’ye  think  1 work  on  pivots  ?” 

“Just  take  it  off  and  put  it  on  the  other  way,”  urged  Mrs. 
Spoopendyke,  who  began  to  see  her  way  clear. 

Mr.  Spoopendyke  kicked  the  thing  up  to  the  ceiling,  and 
plunged  into  it  once  more.  This  time  it  came  out  all  right, 
and  as  ho  buttoned  it  up  and  surveyed  himself  in  the  glass 
the  clouds  parsed  away  and  he  smiled. 

“I  like  it,”  ho  remarked  ; “ the  color  suits  mo,  and  I think 
you  have  done  very  well,  my  dear;  oidy,”  and  ho  frowned 
slightly,  “ I wish  you  wnuld  mark  the  arms  and  legs  so  i can 


46 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


distinguish  one  from  the  other,  or  some  day  I will  present  the 
startling  spectacle  of  a respectable  elderly  gentleman  hopping 
around  the  beach  upside  down.  That’s  2l\V*-- Brooklyn 
Eagle. 


JOSH  BILLINGS^  PHILOSOPHY. 

GLASS  BEADS. 

Stretch  a man  out  on  a bed  ov  sikness,  and  hiz  pride,  infi- 
<lelity,  and  government  coupons  look  like  a kruel  mockery  to 
him. 

Thare  are  people  who  kan  liv,  and  keep  fatt  on  hate.  I 
would  rather  be  a snaik. 

I hear  ov  streams  all  over  the  kuntry  whare  2 pound  trout 
are  plenty,  but  I hav  allwuss  managed  to  get  to  them  about 
10  days  to  late. 

Sassy  children  git  their  edukashun  at  home,  and  when  the 
dog  meets  yu  with  a wagging  tale  at  the  threshold,  yu  may  be 
sure  ov  a kindly  greeting  at  the  fireside. 

The  people  that  I admire  the  least  are  thoze  who  admire 
themselfs  the  most — thare  is  no  accounting  for  tastes. 

Thare  is  now  and  then  a man  who  kan  make  acirkumstanse, 
but  as  a general  thing,  cirkumstanses  make  men. 

The  lov  of  applauze  hnz  a valuable  germ  in  it,  but  too  the 
jung  it  iz  full  ov  treachery. 

1 luv  men  and  their  ways,  but  the  happiest  hours  I hav  ever 
spent,  hav  been  alone  in  the  wilderness. 

Genius  is  a difiikult  thing  to  hide.  I hav  even  seen  it  re- 
vealed in  blowing  the  noze,  or  handling  a tooth  pik. 

I thank  God  for  one  thing,  that  helth  and  poverty  are  so 
often  found  together. 

Yung  man,  all  that  yu  kno,  yu  hav  had  to  learn,  therefore 
don’t  never  lafi*  at  the  ignorense  ov  others. 

It  iz  a pleasant  thing  to  kno  that  cunning  men,  sooner  or 
later,  git  kaught  in  the  traps  they  set  for  others. 

The  man  who  iz  satisfied  with  the  simple  necesitys  ov  life, 
may  think  he  iz  happy,  but  he  don’t  amount  to  mutch  enuy 
how. 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


4T 


Dangers  suspekted  are  allwuss  overrated  ; a hole  in  the 
ground  iz  often  more  dreaded  than  ennything  that  kan  possi- 
bly cum  out  ov  it. 

It  iz  sed  that  adversity  iz  the  best  for  us,  but  if  I kan  bar 
prosperity,  I will  try  to  git  along  without  enny  adversity. 

Man  iz  the  only  animal  I kan  think  ov  who  kant  swim  with- 
out learning  how  : in  fakt,  man  haz  to  learn  all  he  knows, 
even  how  to  eat. 


ROW  UE^D  DO  IT. 

Several  men  were  gathered  at  the  door  of  a blacksmith-shop 
on  Cass  avenue,  the  other  morning,  when  a school-boy,  not 
over  nine  years  of  age,  came  along  with  tears  in  his  eyes,  and 
one  of  the  group  asked  : 

“ What’s  the  matter,  boy, — fall  down  ?” 

“ N-no,  but  I’ve  got  a hard  ’rithmetic  lesson,  and  I expect 
to  get  1-licked  !”  was  the  answer. 

“Let  me  see;  I used  to  be  a king-bee  on  fractions.” 

The  man  took  the  book,  turned  to  the  page,  and  read : 

“ Rule  1 — Find  the  least  common  multiple  of  the  denomina- 
tors of  the  fractions  for  the  least  common  denominator.  Divide 
this  least  common  denominator  by  each  denominator,  and 
multiply  both  terms  of  the  fractions  by  the  quotient  obtained 
by  each  denominator.” 

He  read  the  rule  aloud,  and  asked  if  any  one  could  under- 
stand it.  All  shook  their  heads,  and  he  then  continued  : 

“ Well,  now,  I think  I should  go  to  work  and  discover  the 
least  uncommon  agitator.  1 would  then  evolve  a parallel  ac- 
cording to  the  intrinsic  deviator,  and  punctuate  the  thermom- 
eter.” 

“So  would  I !”  answered  every  man  in  chorus,  and  one  of 
them  added:  ‘“I’ve  worked  ’em  out  that  way  a thousand 
times !” 

Notone  of  the  men,  all  of  whom  were  in  business,  and  had 
made  money,  could  even  understand  the  working  of  the  rule, 
much  less  work  examples  by  it,  and  yet  it  was  expected  that  a 
nine-year-old  boy  should  go  to  the  blackboard  and  do  every 
sum  off-hand.  Detroit  Free  Prens. 


48 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


A BIG  NIGHT  IN  LIME-KILN  CLUB. 

‘‘A  nite  or  two  ago,”  began  Brother  Gardner,  as  the  meet- 
ing opened  in  due  form,  “a  sartin  member  of  dis  Club  cum 
softly  inter  my  house  an’  axed  me  if  I had  any  objeckshuns 
to  his  enterin’  into  a walkin’  match.  Yesterday  anodder 
member  hinted  aroun’  about  organizin’  a cullud  base  ball  club 
to  sweep  de  kentry.  To-day  a third  member  serusly  proposed 
de  ideah  ob  fastin’  fur  fo’ty  days,  on  de  Tanner  prineiple. 
Fur  two  long  hours  dis  afternoon  I sot  on  de  back  stoop  an’ 
pondered  ober  dese  lings,  an’  bime-by  I got  what  I believe  am 
de  k’rect  ideah.  At  sartin  sezuns  of  de  y’ar  de  atmosphere 
am  ’pregnated  wid  some  sort  o’  vapor  dat  creates  a desiah  on 
de  part  of  about  six  men  outof  ten,  tomakefools  of  demselves. 
Dis  vapor  am  now  prevailin’  aroun’  dis  iiayburhood  at  hull- 
sale  rate,  an’  if  it  affects  de  wdiite  folks,  why  shouldn’t  it  have 
mo’  or  less  influence  on  de  cull’d  people?  In  order  to  diskiver 
what  effect  it  has  had  on  dis  clubj  1 now  inwite  all  you  wha 
am  in  favor  of  base  ball,  fastin’  an’  walking-matches  to  riz  up.” 

Not  a foot  moved.  The  hall  was  as  quiet  as  a cow  in  a 
garden  after  cabbages. 

‘‘Waal,  den,  all  who  am  ’posed  will  please  stretch  up,” 
continued  the  President. 

Every  person  in  the  hall  got  his  feet  in  under  him  as  soon 
as  possible,  and  stood  erect  for  a full  minute. 

“ Werry  well,  geni’len — you  kin  sot  down,”  remarked  the 
old  man  as  a smile  crept  into  the  corner  of  each  eye.  “1 
guess  I am  all  right  about  de  vapor,  but  I guess  de  vapor 
sorter  slides  away  from  de  cull’d  race.  Now  let  me  say  to 
one  an’  all,  as  follers:  Two  weeks  wid  a spellin’  book  will  do 
any  of  us  mo’  good  dan  two  y’ars  wid  a base  ball  club.  If 
you  want  to  walk,  go  out  an’  look  for  work.  As  to  the  question 
of  fastin’  dar’s  a full  dozen  of  you  in  heah  who’ll  git  all  you 
want  of  it  afore  next  spring,  onless  you  make  your  brushes 
fly  faster  dan  you  have  fur  a month  past.  De  man  who  builds 
up  his  frame  on  an  empty  stomach,  will  drap  out  o’  sight  all  of 
a sudden.  It’s  pleasant  to  be  a hero,  but  de  man  who  aims 
his  dollar  a day,  pays  his  debts,  speaks  de  truf,  brings  up  his 
chill’en  in  de  right  way,  and  wins  de  respect  ob  his  nayburs, 
am  sailin’  his  sand-scow  ’bout  as  nigh  de  true  light  as  he  kin 
go.  We  will  now  attack  de  usual  order  of  bizness.” 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


49 


Petitions  were  received  as  follows:  From  Ohio,  two  elders 
and  a captain ; from  Georgia,  two  judges  and  two  trustees ; 
from  Virginia,  one  Colonel  and  a Justice  of  the  Peace  ; from 
Illinois,  one  Overseer  of  Highways,  and  two  reverends.  A 
petition  from  Mobile  read  as  follows  : 

Gents — I am  known  in  this  city  as  Dr.  Lightfoot,  the  Great  American  Herb 
and  Root  Physician.  I extract  corns,  cure  ingrowing  toe  nails,  knock  chil- 
blains into  the  middle  of  next  week,  deliver  addresses  on  all  subjects,  hold 
funeral  exercises,  clean  and  repair  clothing,  make  insect  powder,  and  desire  to 
join  the  Lime-Kiln  Club. 

P.  S. — I also  reveal  the  future,  and  tell  the  whereabouts  of  lost  or  stolen 
property.  Charges  reasonable.  In  case  I am  admitted  to  the  club,  I will 
read  the  future  of  any  member  who  will  send  on  his  name. 

N.  E. — I also  interpret  dreams.  I can  tell  by  your  dreams  whether  you  are 
going  to  find  a lost  wallet  chuck-full  of  greenbacks,  or  fall  off  the  wharf  and  be 
drowned.  Please  give  this  your  earliest  attention. 

DR.  LIGHTFOOT,  P.  D.  Q. 

Elder  Toots  at  once  arose  and  moved  that  the  petition  of 
the  Doctor  be  acted  on  under  a suspension  of  the  rules. 

Sympathy  Hastings  seconded  the  motion.  He  had  dreams 
every  night,  and  if  there  were  any  lost  wallets  coming  to  him 
he  wanted  to  make  his  arrangements  accordingly. 

Judge  Boldface  hoped  the  motion  would  prevail.  He  had 
lost  a dog,  and  he  wanted  to  know  the  whereabouts  of  the 
animal,  powerfully  bad. 

“ Gem’len,  sot  down,”  observed  the  President,  as  he  slowly 
tore  the  letter  to  pieces.  ‘Ht'dis  club  has  corns,  it  can  git 
’em  pared  down  nigher  by  dan  Mobile.  Dis  doctah  may  be 
werry  powerful  wid  his  roots  an’  yarbs,  but  I doan’  like  de 
tone  of  his  applicashun.  As  to  dreams  an’  sich,  come  right 
to  me  if  you  want  ’em  ’splained.  It  doan’  look  well  fur  sich 
old  men  as  Brndders  Boldface  an’  Hastings  lo  be  filled  up 
wid  signs,  an’  dreams,  an’  whims.  De  time  wasted  by  de 
cull’d  race  of  dis  kentry,  in  drearnin’  of  black  cats,  an’  lookin’ 
fur  lost  pocket-books,  would  raise ’miff  taters  to  keep  every- 
body fat.  De  Committee  on  Betishuns  needn’t  bodder  wid 
dis  case,  nor  try  to  find  out  what  P.  D.  Q.  means.” 

The  followin’  candidates  were  made  notorious:  Elder 
Haggle,  Trustee  Turnover,  Anatom  Calwell,  Col.  Jackson, 
Nevertheless  Simpson,  Henry  Jones,  George  Spofford,  Major 
Hercules  Sidebar,  and  Judge  Walkiiigbow. 


50 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


A communication  from  Lockport,  N.  Y.,  stated  that  Reliable 
Farker,  an  honorary  member  of  the  club,  living  in  that  village, 
was  under  a cloud,  from  having  been  discovered  and  arrested 
with  half  his  body  in  a grocery  window  at  midnight.  He  had 
been  tried  and  discharged  on  susj)ended  sentence,  but  the 
people  of  Lockport  thought  it  best  to  inform  the  club  of  the 
incident,  and  leave  it  to  take  such  action  as  it  deemed  proper. 
The  prisoner’s  defense  was  that  he  was  walking  in  his  sleep. 

“I  can’t  see  de  need  of  raisin’  any  fus  ober  dat,”  said 
Circular  Smith,  as  he  arose  and  wiped  off  his  chin.  “ Deed 
sail,  Ize  in  de  same  habit  o’  walkin’  in  my  sleep,  an’  I am 
liable  to  be  found  in  a grocery  any  night.” 

‘‘If  you  eber  am,”  slowly  replied  the  President,  “your 
conneckshun  wid  dis  club  will  be  chopped  off  quicker  dan 
chain-lightnin’.  De  Secretary  will  drap  a letter  to  Brudder 
Parker,  to  de  effeck  dat  it  will  be  a great  deal  better  fur  him 
in  de  fuchur  to  do  his  walkin’  in  his  back  doah  yard  or  out 
on  de  commons.” 

The  leader  of  the  Glee  Club  finished  his  nap  about  this 
time  and  signalled  that  it  was  perfectly  proper  to  rush  in  on 
the  following,  which  is  the  joint  production  of  Way  down 
Bebee  and  Whalebone  Howker : 


De  udder  dark  night  ole  Joe  had  a dream, 

An’  it’s  made  his  old  heart  berry  sore  ; 

Once  mo’  he  saw  de  cabins  down  in  de  shady  lane. 
An’  de  little  black  niggers  in  de  doah. 

Chorus — 

Oh ! whar’  am  gone  dem  good  old  days, 

Oh  ! whar’  has  dem  pickannies  fled  ? 

An’  de  warm  souf  wind  am  saying  unto  me, 

Dat  de  meadow  grass  kivers  my  dead. 


Ole  mass’ r on  de  stoop,  in  his  big  rockin’  cheer, 
An’  ole  missus  wid  a kind  word  for  all  ; 

While  de  cabins  of  de  niggers  had  plenty  hoe  cake. 
An’  de  bes’  kind  o’  bacon  in  de  fall. 


Chorus — 


Oh ! whar’  am  gone  dem  good  old  days,  etc. 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


51 


Dar  was  heaps  to  do  but  de  days  was  long, 

An*  we  hadn’t  any  whip  fur  to  fear  ; 

An’  each  nigger  he  was  ready  at  de  brake  of  day, 
For  de  ho’n  of  de  pushin’  oberseer. 

Chorus — 

Oh  ! whar’  am  gone  dem  good  old  days,  etc. 


But  de  days  am  fled — dey’ll  neber  return, 

No,  we  neber  shall  see  dem  any  mo'  ; 

’Till  de  angels  gibs  de  word  an’  we  all  step  away 
Fur  de  hills  on  dat  Heaven-blessed  sho’. 

Chorus — 

Oh  ! whar’  am  gone  dem  good  old  days,  etc. 


During  the  singing  of  this  song  Elder  Toots,  Rainbow 
Cooper,  Giveadarn  Jones,  and  other  old  veterans  broke  down 
and  wept  like  children,  and  Samuel  Shin,  Strychnine  Thomas, 
Mulberry  Turner  and  other  young  men  stuck  their  lieads  out 
of  the  window  to  hide  their  tear-dimmed  eyes. — Detroit  Free 
Press. 


ARTEMUS  WARD  IN  BOSTON. 

A letter  from  Artemus  Ward  to  his  “ dear  Betsy  ” says  : 

“ The  winder  of  rny  room  commands  a exhileratin  view  of 
Copp’s  Hill,  where  Cotton  Mather,  the  father  of  the  Reform- 
ers and  sich,  lies  berrid.  I went  over  to  Lexington  yes’d’y.  My 
Bc»osum  hove  with  sf)llurn  emotions.  this,’  I said  to  a man 
who  was  driving  a yoke  of  oxen,  ‘this  is  where  our  Revolu- 
tionary forefathers  asserted  tlieir  independence  and  spilt  their 
Bind.  Classic  ground  !’  ‘ Wall,’  the  man  said,  ‘its good  for 

white  beans  and  potatoes,  but  as  regards  raisin’  wheat,  tain’t 
worth  a — .’  I returned  in  the  IIoss  Cars,  part  way.  A 
pooty  girl  in  spectacles  sot  near  me,  and  was  tellin’  a young 
man  how  much  he  reminded  her  of  a man  she  used  to  know 
in  Waltham.  Booty  soon  the  young  man  got  out,  and  smil- 
in’ in  a seductiv  manner  I said  to  the  girl  in  s])ectacles,  ‘Don’t 
1 remind  you  of  somebody  you  used  to  know?’  ‘Yes,’  she 


52 


THE  FU^’NIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


said,  ‘you  do  remind  me  of  one  man,  but  he  was  sent  to  the 
pennytentiary  for  stealin’  a Bar’l  of  mackril — he  died  there, 
SO  I conclood  you  ain’t  him.’  I didn’t  nursoo  the  conversa- 
tion.” 


JOSE  BILLIN  GS  INSURES  UIS  LIFE. 

I kum  to  the  conklusion  lately  that  life  was  so  onsartin  that 
the  only  way  for  me  to  stand  a fare  chance  with  other  folks 
was  to  git  my  life  insured,  so  I kalled  on  the  agent  ov  the 
Garden  Angel  Life  Insurance  Co.,  and  answered  the  following 
questions  which  were  put  tu  me  over  the  top  ov  a pair  ov 
specs,  by  a slick  old  fellow,  with  a round  gray  head  on  him 
as  any  man  ever  owned:  Are  yu  mail  or  femail  ? and  if  so, 

state  how  long  you  have  been  so.  Had  3’ ou  a father  or  moth- 
er? if  so,  which?  Are  yu  subject  tu  tits  ? and  if  so,  du  yu 
hav  more  than  one  at  a time?  What  is  your  precise  fiting 
wate?  Did  yu  ever  hav  any  ancestors  ? and  if  so,  how  much? 
Du  yu  hav  eny  nightmare?  Are  3m  married  or  single,  or 
are  yu  a bachelor ? Have  y’ou  ever  committed  suicide?  and 
if  so,  how  did  it  affect  yu  ? After  answering  the  above  ques- 
tions like  a man  in  a confirmative,  the  slick  little  fat  old  fel- 
ler with  specs  on  sed  I was  insured  fur  life,  and  probably 
would  remain  so  far  sn*ne  years.  I thanked  him  and  smiled 
one  ov  my  most  t^^nsive  smiles. 


BACHELORS  AND  FLIRTS. 

Some  old  bachelors  git  after  a flirt,  and  don’t  travel  as  fast 
as  she  doz,  and  then  concludes  awl  the  female  group  are  hard 
to  ketch,  and  good  for  nothing  when  they  are  ketched. 

A flirt  is  a rough  thing  to  overhaul  unless  the  right  dog  gets 
after  her,  and  then  they  make  the  very  best  of  wives. 

When  a flirt  really  is  in  love  she  is  as  powerless  as  a mown 
daisy. 

Her  impudence  then  changes  into  modesty,  her  cunning  into 


THE  FUNOTEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


53 


fear,  her  spurs  into  a halter,  and  her  pruning-hook  into  a 
cradle. 

The  best  way  to  ketch  a flirt  is  tew  travel  the  other  way 
from  which  they  are  going,  or  sit  down  on  the  ground  and 
whistle  some  lively  tune  till  the  flirt  comes  round. 

Old  bachelors  make  the  flirts,  and  then  the  flirts  get  more 
than  even,  by  making  the  old  bachelors. 

A majority  of  flirts  get  married  Anally,  for  they  hev  a great 
-quantity  of  the  most  dainty  tidbits  of  woman’s  nature,  and 
alwus  have  shrewdness  to  back  up  their  sweetness. 

Flirts  don’t  deal  in  po’try  and  water  grewel:  they  have  got 
to  liev  brains,  or  else  somebody  would  trade  them  out  of  their 
cai)ital  at  the  flrst  sweep. 

Disappointed  luv  must  uv  course  be  all  on  one  side ; this 
ain’t  any  more  excuse  fur  being  an  old  bachelor  than  it  iz  fur 
a man  to  quit  all  kinds  of  manual  labor,,  jist  out  uv  spite,  and 
jine  a poor-house  bekase  he  kant  lilt  a tun  at  one  pop. 

An  old  bachelor  will  brag  about  his  freedom  to  you,  his  re- 
lief from  anxiety,  hiz  indipendence.  This  iz  a dead  beat,  past 
resurrection,  for  everybody  knows  there  ain’t  a more  anxious 
<lupe  than  he  iz.  All  his  dreams  are  charcoal  sketches  of 
board inir-school  misses  ; he  dresses,  greases  hiz  hair,  paints 
hiz  grizzly  mustache,  cultivates  bunyons  and  corns,  to  please 
his  captains,  the  wirnmen,  and  only  gets  laffed  at  fur  hiz  pains. 

I tried  being  an  old  bachelor  till  I wuz  about  twenty  years 
old,  and  came  very  near  dieing  a dozen  times.  I had  more 
sharp  pain  in  one  year  than  1 hev  had  since,  put  it  all  in  a 
heap.  I was  in  a lively  fever  all  the  time. — Josh  Billings. 


THE  CENSUS. 

The  Seiices  taker  in  our  town  being  sick  he  deppertised  me 
to  go  out  for  him  one  day,  and  as  he  was  too  ill  to  give  fiie 
informashun  how  to  perceed,  I was  consekently  compelled  to 
go  it  blind.  Sitting  down  by  the  roadside  I drawd  up  the 
follerin  list  of  questions  which  1 proposed  to  ax  the  peple  1 
visited : 

Wat’s  your  age?  Wliar  was  you  born?  A.ir  you  marrid, 
and  if  so  how  do  you  like  it?  JIow  many  children  hav  you, 


54 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


and  do  they  Suificiently  resemble  you  as  to  proclood  the  pos- 
sibility of  their  belougin  to  any  of  your  nabers  ? Did  you 
ever  hav  the  measles,  and  if  so  liow  many  ? Have  }’ou  a twin 
brother  several  years  older  than  yourself?  How  many  ])arents 
hav  you?  Do  you  read  Watt’s  Hims  regler?  Do  you  use 
boughten  tobacker?  Wat’s  your  tightin  wate  ? Are  you 
trubeld  with  piles  ? How  does  your  mereshani  culler  ? State 
whether  you  are  blind,  deaf,  idiotic,  or  got  the  heaves?  Do 
you  know  any  Opry  singers,  and  if  so  how  much  do  they  owe 
you?  What’s  the  average  of  virtoo  on  the  Ery  Canawl?  If 
4 barrils  of  Einptins  pored  onto  a barn  floor  will  kivei  it,  how 
many  plase  can  Dion  Bourcicalt  write  in  a year?  Is  beans  a 
regler  diet  in  your  family  ? How  many  chickens  hav  you,  on 
foot  and  in  the  shell  ? Air  you  aware  that  Injianny  whisky  is 
used  in  New  York  shootin  galrj’s  instid  of  pistils,  and  that  it 
shoots  furthest?  Was  you  ever  at  Niagry  Falls?  Was  you 
ever  in  the  Penitentiary?  State  how  much  pork,  impendin 
crysis,  Dutch  cheese,  popler  suvrinty,  standard  poetry,  chil- 
dren’s strainers,  slave  code,  catnip,  red  flannel,  ancient  histry, 
pickled  tomaters,  ole  junk,  perfoomery,  coal  ile,  hook  skirt, 
etc.,  you  have  on  hand? 

But  it  didn’t  work.  I got  into  a row  at  the  flrst  house  I 
stopt  to,  with  some  old  maids.  Disbeleven  the  arisers  they 
giv  in  regard  to  their  ages,  I endevered  to  open  their  mouths 
and  look  at  their  teeth,  same  as  they  do  with  bosses,  but  they 
floo  into  a vilent  rage  and  tackled  me  with  brooms  and  sich. 
Taking  the  senses  requires  experiunse,  like  any  other  bizniss. 
— Artemm  Ward, 


‘BOUGHT  TO  HAVE  BEEN  AN  EDITORS 

The  man  who  knows  how  to  run  a newspaper  came  into  tho 
Derrick  office  yesterday.  He  sat  dowm  in  the  best  chair^ 
pulled  all  the  exchanges  into  his  lap,  and  began  his  criticism 

“I  ought  to  have  been  an  editor,”  said  he,  “just  to  show- 
yon  fellows  how  easy  it  is  to  run  a newspaper.  Why  don’t 
you  pitch  into  the  city  council?  People  want  some  kind  of 
excitement.  Give  the  police  thunder  for  not  attending  to 
business;  it  will  wake  the  people  up.  Caesar!  wouldn’t  I 
make  it  hot  for  ’em  if  I had  anything  to  do  with  a paper.” 


THE  FUNKIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


55 

“ S’pose  you  run  this  office  for  two  hours  to  suit  yourself.^’ 

“ All  right,  just  let  me  do  it.  I’ll  show  you  the  hottest 
articles  you  ever  saw.  Give  me  the  pencil.” 

We  left  him  sitting  in  the  editorial  chair,  working  away  for 
dear  life.  On  the  stairs  we  met  Jim  Jones,  a driller  from 
Alamagpezelurn. 

“Where’s  the  editor?”  said  he. 

“Up  stairs  at  his  desk,”  was  the  reply. 

Jones  had  blood  in  his  eyes,  and  he  bounded  up  two  steps 
at  a time,  while  we  waited  at  the  foot  of  the  stairs  for  devel- 
opments. In  about  two  minutes  we  saw  the  dictionary  fly 
out  of  the  upper  wMndow,  then  there  was  a sound  as  of  a chair 
being  smashed,  followed  by  loud  yells,  and  in  two  seconds 
the  door  flev/  open,  and  the  would-be  editor  came  rolling 
down  the  stairs. 

“ What’s  your  hurry?”  we  asked,  as  he  flew  by  us.  “Sit 
down  and  tell  us  how  to  run  a newspaper,”  we  continued,  as 
he  struck  the  sidewalk.  But  he  never  stopped.  He  just  flew 
across  the  sidewalk  and  fell  on  his  back  in  the  gutter.  And 
such  a sight.  His  nose  was  knocked  crosswise,  one  eye  was 
as  black  as  a thunder  cloud,  his  hair  stood  on  end,  his  coat 
was  ri])ped  down  the  back,  and  one  sleeve  torn  out.  Jones 
was  coming  down  tiie  stairs,  and  the  would-be  editor  jum])ed 
and  ran  up  the  railroad,  with  Jones  close  at  his  heels,  yelling, 
“ I ain’t  the  editor,”  at  every  jump  he  took.  He  hasn’t  re- 
turned. We  fear  his  youthful  dream  of  running  a newspaper 
has  been  nipj>ed  in  the  bud  by  the  frost  of  adverse  circum- 
stances.— Oil  City  Derrick. 


We  will  certainly  be  called  on  to  record  the  sudden  and 
violent  death  of  that  fellow,  Gilhooly.  Yesterday  he  stopped 
in  front  of  a fruit-stand  on  Galveston  avenue,  and  picked  out 
several  peaches,  squeezed  them  until  the  stufflng  came  out  of 
them,  trying  to  And  out  if  they  were  ripe,  and  then  he  put 
them  back.  “ Look  here,  I can’t  sell  them  peaches  after  you 
liave  squeezed  them.”  “ You  didn’t  vsell  ’em  before  I squeezed 
’em  did  you?”  “No,  but — ” “ Well,  if  you  don’t  sell  ’em 

after  I’ve  squeezed  ’em,  you  ain’t  any  worse  ofl’  than  you 
were  before.  You  must  learn  to  reasori,  man,  before  you 
talk.  — Ga/'oeston  N^iws. 


56 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


LES  lECOMPEEaENSlB  LES, 

A La  Victor  Hugo. 

BOOK  I. 

A man  sat  on  a picket  fence. 

Picket  fences  were  invented  by  Charlemagne  and  improved 
upon  by  Charles  II.  of  England. 

Still  the  man  sat  on  the  fence. 

BOOK  II. 

The  fence  s^urrounded  a tall,  gloomy  building.  The  build- 
ing had  shutters  at  the  window.  The  man  was  a Frenchman. 
There  were  other  Frenchmen  in  the  same  neighborhood. 
They  were  in  bed.  Frenchmen  were  discovered  by  Oliver 
Cromwell,  and  subsequently  patented  by  the  author.  Tliey 
are  copyrighted.  All  Frenchmen  not  bearing  the  signature 
of  the  author  are  spurious. 

It  was  night.  It  was  a dark  night.  Darkness  is  a shadow 
that  rises  from  the  ground  when  the  snn  goes  down. 

The  man  on  the  fence  was  thinking.  His  name  was  Lip- 
piatt. 

BOOK  III. 

Lippiatt  loved  Maronette.  Maronette  was  a girl.  She 
knew  Lippiatt.  She  did  not  know  that  Lippiatt  loved  her. 

Maronette  lived  in  the  gloomy  house.  Lippiatt  did  not 
tell  Maronette  that  he  loved  her.  He  was  contented  to  sit  on 
the  fence  in  front  of  her  house.  He  was  a quiet  man.  Like 
all  Frenchmen,  he  was  the  bravest  man  in  thirteen  counties. 
He  was  a tailor.  A tailor  is  a man  who  promises  to  have 
your  clothes  done  Saturday,  and  then  brings  them  around 
week  after  next. 

Lippiatt  was  poor.  All  heroes  - are  poor. 

BOOK  IV. 

Maronette  opened  a window  and  shied  an  old  boot  at  Lip- 
piatt. 

“ Is  that  you,  Lippiatt  ?”  she  said. 

“Yes,”  said  Lippiatt. 

Maronette  laughed. 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


57 


“ My  father  says  I must  marry  the  man  who  will  bring  him 
the  Norwegian  maelstrom,”  said  Maronette. 

Lippiatt  got  off  the  fence  and  walked  away. 

BOOK  V. 

Like  all  tailors  in  France,  Lippiatt  was  a good  sailor.  He 
stole  a boat  and  started  for  the  coast  of  Norway.  A fearful 
storm  came  on.  The  world  drew  on  a heavy  cloak  to  protect 
it  from  the  storm.  The  sea  opened  a thousand  mouths  to 
swallow  Lippiatt.  It  was  hungry  for  him.  His  beard  and 
hair  were  tilled  with  salt.  Great  grasping  hands  of  darkness 
reached  down  to  snatch  him. 

Lippiatt  only  laughed. 

The  scene  grew  wilder.  Monsters  of  water  crowded  against 
the  boat.  They  were  reaching  for  Lippiatt.  He  steered  his 
boat  to  avoid  them. 

A wave  averages  twenty  feet  in  height.  It  contains  400 
tons  of  water.  It  is  thicker  at  the  base  than  at  the  top.  In 
that  respect  it  is  like  a pyramid.  But  it  is  not  three-cornered. 
It  is  oval  in  shape.  A round  wave  is  a water-spout.  A wat- 
-er- spout  is  thick  at  the  top  and  bottom  and  slender  in  the 
middle. 

Lippiatt  knew  this. 

He  was  afraid  of  waves.  He  was  fearful  of  water-spouts. 

BOOK  VI. 

In  four  days  Lippiatt  arrived  at  the  maelstrom. 

“It  is  for  Maronette,”  said  he. 

The  maelstrom  is  shaped  like  a funnel.  The  lower  end  is 
;at  the  bottom.  The  mouth  is  at  the  top.  It  is  caused  by  the 
tides.  The  Norwegians  suppose  it  is  caused  by  a hole  in  the 
ground.  Lippiatt  knew  better. 

He  went  down  in  the  maelstrom  and  fastened  a rope  around 
the  lower  end.  To  this  rope  he  adjusted  blocks  and  pulleys. 
Then  he  climbed  out  of  the  mt  and  fastened  the  other  end  of 
the  rope  to  the  masthead.  The  blocks  gave  him  a purchase. 

He  rested. 


■58 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  01*  ALL. 


BOOK  VII. 

' Havinp^  rested,  Lippiatt  pulled  on  the  rope.  He  pulled  the 
maelstrom  inside  out.  ^ The  bottom  was  then  at  the  top.  It 
spun  around  like  an  inverted  top. 

Lippiatt  drove  a staple  into  it  and  fastened  his  line.  Then 
he  set  sail.  The  maelstrom  followed. 

“ T shall  marry  Maronette,”  he  said. 

BOOK  VIII. 

Another  man  sat  on  the  picket  fence.  It  was  Goudenay.^ 
Goudenay  loved  Maronette.  Maronette  loved  Goudenay. 

Goudenay  saw  something  coming  in  the  harbor. 

“What’s  that?”  he  asked. 

It  looked  like  an  inverted  funnel.  It  was  1000  feet  high. 

“I  don’t  know,”  said  Maronette. 

She  was  right.  She  didn’t. 

BOOK  IX. 

Lippiatt  disembarked.  lie  took  the  maelstrom  on  his 
shoulders.  Then  he  went  to  the  gloomy  house.  He  hung 
the  maelstrom  on  the  ])icket  fence.  * 

“How  do  you  do,  Goudenay?”  he  asked. 

He  knew  Goudenay.  He  had  disappointed  him  about  some 
trousers. 

“I  am  hap p3%”  said  Goudenay.  “I  am  going  to  marrj 
Maronette.” 

Lippiat  looked  at  Maronette. 

“ Yes,”  she  said,  “ I marry  Goudenay  this  morning.” 

BOOK  X. 

Lippiatt  went  to  the  wedding. 

He  gave  Maronette  a silver  card-receiver. 

Maronette  smiled. 

Lippiatt  went  back  to  the  picket  fence.  He  ate  the  mael- 
strom up. 


Tllli:  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


5^ 


BOOK  XI. 

As  the  wedding  party  went  home  they  saw  a dead  body 
lying  beside  the  picket  fence.  The  point  of  the  maelstrom 
was  sticking  out  of  the  month. 

Good  gracious  !”  said  Maronette. 

“ Holy  smoke  !”  exclaimed  Goudenay. 

It  was  Lippiatt. 


BILLINGS^  ^^FROBABILITlESy 

Josh  Billings,  who  is  as  usual  passing  his  summer  in  the 
White  Mountains,  has  put  it  in  the  way  of  the  editor  of  the 
Vt'hite  to  print  a few  component  parts  of  his 

new  book  to  be  published  in  the  fall.  Its  title  will  be  Old 
Probabilities:  Perhaps  Rain — Perhaps  Not;”  and  it  will  have 
for  its  leading  motto:  ‘-Truth  iz  sed  to  be  stranger  than  lick- 
shun  ; it  is  to  most  pholks.”  The  selections  are  these : 

About  the  hardest  thing  a fellow  kan  do  iz  to  spark  2 gals 
at  one  time  and  preserve  a good  average.  Try  it. 

Don’t  dispize  your  poor  relashuns.  They  may  be  taken 
suddenly  ritch  sum  day,  and  then  it  will  be  awkward  to  ex- 
plain things  to  them;  undoubtedly  so. 

Next  to  a klear  konshience  for  solid  comfort  cums  an  easy 
boot.  Try  both. 

If  a young  man  hain’t  got  a well-balanced  head,  I like  to 
see  him  part  his  hair  in  the  middle.  Don’t  you  ! 

I don’t  take  any  foolish  chances.  If  I wuz  called  upon  to 
mourn  over  a dead  mule,  I should  stand  in  front  ov  him  and 
do  my  weeping. 

There  is  no  man  so  poor  but  what  he  can  afford  to  keep  one 
dog,  and  I hev  seen  them  so  poor  that  they  could  afford  to 
keep  three. 

I say  to  2 thirds  of  the  rich  people  in  this  world,  make  the 
most  on  your  money,  for  it  makes  the  most  ov  you.  Happy 
thought. 

I never  argy  agin  a success.  When  I see  a rattlesnaix’s 
head  sticking  out  of  a whole,  I bear  off  to  the  left  and  say  to 
miself  that  liole  belongs  to  tliat  snaix. 


60 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


The  infidel  argys  just  az  a bull  duz  chained  to  a post.  He 
bellows  and  saws,  but  he  don’t  git  loose  from  the  post,  i 
notiss.  Not  much. 

I thank  the  Lord  that  thare  is  one  thing  in  this  world  that 
money  kant  buy,  and  that  iz  the  wag  ov  a dog’s  tail.  Yure 
unkle. 

I have  seen  men  so  fond  of  argument  that  they  would  dis- 
pute with  a guideboard  at  the  forks  of  a kuntry  road  about 
the  distance  to  the  next  town.  What  fools. 

Thare  are  but  fu  sights  in  this  life  more  sublime  and  pa- 
thethick  than  to  see  a poor  but  virtuous  young  man  struggling 
with  a mustach.  It  iz  thus. 

I notiss  one  thing,  the  man  who  rides  on  the  kars  every 
day  is  satisfied  with  one  seat ; but  he  who  rides  once  a year 
wants  4.  That’s  so. 

Flattery  is  like  colone  water,  to  be  smelled  of,  not  swal- 
Ilowed. 

The  man  whom  you  kant  git  to  write  poetry  or  tell  the 
truth  until  you  git  him  half  drunk  aint  worth  the  investment. 

Whenever  I see  a real  handsome  woman  engaged  in  the 
wim min’s  rights  bizziness  I am  a going  to  take  off  mi  hat  and 
jine  the  processhun.  See  if  I don’t. 


HOW  CAIN  GOT  HIS  WIFE, 

A few  years  ago,  says  Harper^ s Magazine,,  while  the  Ala- 
bama and  Chattanooga  Railroad  was  in  process  of  construc- 
tion, it  was  a favorite  field  for  colored  preachers  to  labor  and 
take  up  collections  “for  de  spread  ob  de  Gospel.”  Among 
these  a frequent  visitor  was  old  Father  Helms,  from  Tennes- 
see, whose  vivid  eloquence  and  practical  “ spounding  ob  de 
Sacred  Word”  were  attentively  listened  to  by  large  congrega- 
tions of  the  sable  race,  with  no  small  delegation  of  interested 
white  listeners  upon  the  outskirts.  Upon  one  occasion,  assem- 
bled in  a lovely  Alabama  grove,  he  addressed  his  congregation 
thus ; 

“Ladies  and  gentlemen  ob  my  beloved  congregation — 
Havin’  cotched  a bad  cold  de  odder  evenin’,  I shan’t  attempt 


THE  FUNNIEST  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


61 


to  preach  to  yer  dis  Sabbath  mornin’,  but  will  read  a chapter 
from  de  Bible,  and  spound  it  as  I go  along.”  He  then  read 
the  fourth  chapter  of  Genesis,  after  which  he  continued  his 
remarks:  “ De  odder  evenin’  I tuk  for  my  tex’  de  tragedy 

in  de  garding  ob  Eden — de  killin’  ob  Abel  and  de  cuss  and 
drivin’  out  of  Cain.  And  after  de  sermon  one  ob  yer  smart 
young  darkies — one  ob  dese  yer  thin-skinned,  saleratus-com- 
plexioned  niggers — steps  up  to  me,  and  says  he,  ‘ Fader 
Helms,  yer  disremember  to  tell  us  who  Mr.  Cain  married 
down  in  de  land  ob  Nod  : was  it  his  mudder?’  Here  was  a 
grinnin’  crowd  ob  no-count,  triflin’  niggers  wid  him,  and  I 
’spected  at  once  dat  de  white  folks  had  sent  him  up  to  ax  de 
question.  I was  so  obercome  wid  a sense  ob  de  sinfulness 
and  great  ’sumption  ob  sinners,  bofe  white  and  black,  dat  1 
' could  say  nuftin.  I had  n tiffin  to  say.  I tuk  de  question 
under  prayerful  consideration,  an’  de  answer  were  made  plain. 
I’m  gwine  to  spound  dat  part  ob  de  scripter  to  yer.  Who 
Cain’s  wife  was,  and  whar  he  got  her,  is  plain  to  de  all-seein’ 
eye  ob  faith.  In  de  garding  ob  Eden,  Cain  raised  right 
smart  ob  craps  and  garding  truck  and  sich.  But  after  de 
slewin’  ob  his  Christian  br udder  Abel,  we  don’t  read  ob  his 
workin’  no  mo’.  He  tuk  his  gun  and  dogs  and  went  down 
into  dat  sleepy,  lazy^  no- account  section  ob  Nod,  and  loafed 
aroun’  dat  country;  an’  havin’  lost  all  ob  his  plantation  and 
mules,  and  all  ob  his  self  respec’,  and  pride  ob  family  and 
state,  de  nex’  we  hear  ob  him  he  had  got  so  low  down  an’ 
triflin’  dat  he  married  a gal  ob  one  ob  dose  no-’count,  poor, 
white-trash  families,  which  de  inspired  ’postle  didn’t  consider 
^.fittin’  to  mention  in  de  Holy  Word.” 

The  reverend  “ spounder”  gazed  around  upon  his  admiring 
congregation  with  an  air  of  triumph,  and  a brother  struck  up 
the  hymn,  “ Whar,  oh  wh.BJ'  am  de  Hebrew  chill’en.” 


A CHEAP  MARRIAGE. 

While  a Detroit  Justice  of  the  Peace  sat  warming  his  feet 
by  the  stove,  and  his  nose  by  a cigar,  a stranger  entered  and 
presently  inquired  • 


62 


THE  FE^NIEST  liOOK  OF  ALL. 


“Judge,  how  much  will  you  charge  me  to  read  over  about 
fifteen  lines  of  printed  matter  from  a book  I have?” 

“ Why,  can’t  you  read  them  ?”  replied  his  Honor. 

“ I can,  but  I want  to  hear  how  they  sound  when  read 
aloud.  I’ll  give  you  a quarter  to  read  them  to  me.” 

“ All  right,”  said  the  Justice.  “ I can’t  earn  two  shillings 
any  quicker.” 

A w’oman  opened  the  door  at  that  moment,  and  the  stranger 
put  down  the  book  on  the  desk,  clasped  her  hand,  and  said  : 
Begin  at  the  pencil-mark  there,  and  read  sluwly.” 

His  Honor’s  chin  dropped  exactly  eighteen  inches  by  dry 
measure  as  he  saw  that  the  reading  matter  was  the  usual  form 
of  marriage,  but  he  didn’t  back  down  from  his  word.  It  was 
the  cheapest  marriage  he  ever  attended,  and  he  didn’t  half 
enjoy  the  chuckles  of  bride  and  groom  as  they  went  out. — 
Detroit  Free  Press. 


FAITHLESS  SALLY  BROWN. 

Young  Ben  he  was  a nice  young  man,  a carpenter  by  trade  ; 
and  he  fell  in  love  with  Sally  Brown,  that  was  a lady’s  maid. 
But  as  they  fetched  a walk  one  day,  they  met  a press-gang 
crew;  and  Sally  she  did  faint  away,  while  Ben  he  was  brought 
to. 

The  boatswain  swore  with  wicked  words  enough  to  shock 
a saint,  that  though  she  did  seem  in  a fit,  ’twas  nothing  but 
a feint. 

“Gome,  girl,”  said  he,  “hold  up  your  head — he’ll  be  as 
good  as  me ; for  when  your  swain  is  in  our  boat,  a boatswain 
he  will  be.” 

So  when  they’d  made  their  game  of  her,  and  taken  off  her 
elf,  she  roused,  and  found  she  only  was  a-coming  to  herself. 

“And  is  he  gone,  and  is  he  gone?”  she  cried  and  wept  out- 
right; “then  I will  to  the  water-side  and  see  him  out  of  sight.” 

A waterman  came  up  to  her:  “Now,  young  woman,”  said 
he,  “if  you  weep  on  so,  you  will  make  eye-water  in  the  sea.” 

“Alas!  they’ve  taken  my  beau,  Ben,  to  sail  with  old  Ben- 
bow;”  and  her  woe  began  to  run  afresh,  as  if  she’d  said 
“ Gee  woe !” 


THE  FUNN  A I'  BOOK  OF  ALL. 


Says  he,  “They’ve  only  taken  him  to  the  tender  ship, 
jousee.”  “The  tender  ship!”  cried  Sally  Brown — “what 
u hardship  that  must  be ! Oh  ! would  I were  a mermaid 
now,  for  then  i’d  follow  him  ; but  oh  ! I’m  not  a fish-woman, 
and  so  I cannot  swim.  Alas!  1 was  not  born  beneath  the 
Virgin  and  the  Scales,  so  I must  curse  my  cruel  stars  and 
walk  about  in  Wales.” 

Now  Ben  had  sailed  to  many  a place  that’s  underneath  the 
world  ; tut  in  two  years  the  ship  came  home,  and  all  her 
sails  were  furled.  But  when  he  called  on  Sally  Brown,  to  see 
how  slie  got  on,  he  found  she’d  got  another  Ben,  whose 
Ohi-istian  name  was  John.  “Oh,  Sally  Brown!  oh,  Sal- 
ly Brown!  how  could  you  serve  me  so?  I’ve  met  with  many 
a breeze  before,  but  never  such  a blow  !” 

Then  reading  on  his  ’bacco  box,  he  heaved  a heavy  sigh ; 
and  then  began  to  eye  his  pipe,  and  then  to  pipe  his  eye.  And 
then  he  tried  to  sing  “ All’s  well but  could  not,  though  he 
tried;  his  head  was  turned — and  so  he  chewed  his  pigtail  till 
he  died.  His  death,  which  happened  in  his  berth,  at  forty 
odd  befell ; they  went  and  told  the  sexton,  and  the  sexton 
tolled  the  bell. — Thomas  Hood, 


HE  NE  VER  SMILED  A GAI 

They  were  fond  of  each  other,  very,  and  had  been  engaged. 
But  they  quarrelled  and  were  too  proud  to  make  it  up.  Ho 
called  a few  days  ago  at  her  father’s  house — to  see  the  old 
gentleman  on  business,  of  course.  She  answered  liis  ring  at 

the  door  bell.  Said  he:  “Ah,  Miss , I believe;  is  your 

father  witliin  ?”  “ No,  sir,”  she  re])lied,  “]>a  is  not  in  at  ])res- 
ent.  Did  you  wish  to  see  him  ])ersonally  ?”  “Yes,  ^liss,” 
was  his  bluff  response,  feeling  that  she  was  yielding,  “on 
very  ])articular  ])crsonal  business.”  And  lie  very  jiroudly 
turned  to  go  away.  “ I beg  your  pardon,”  she  culled  after 
him  as  ho  struck  the  lower  step,  “ but  who  shall  1 say  call- 
edV'^  He  never  smiled  again. 


THE  FUNNIEST  HOOK  OF  ALL. 


GOING  ON  AN  EXCURSION. 


They  had  been  preparing  for  the  excursion  for  about  twa 
weeks.  The  day  at  last  dawned,  and  as  the  boat  was  to  start 
early,  the  young  wife  determined  to  be  on  hand.  The  clock 
struck  8,  and  still  she  was  in  the  kitchen,  her  hair  down  her 
back,  packing  edibles  in  her  basket. 

“ Hurry  up  !”  said  John,  her  young  husband. 

“I’ll  be  ready  presently,”  and  away  she  darted  to  blacken 
her  shoes  and  put  on  a clean  collar.  Then  she  stuck  her  head 
out  of  the  back  window,  to  ask  her  next  door  neighbor  to  lend 
her  a breastpin. 

“ Hurry  up,  John,”  said  she.  “You  bring  the  basket. 
Now  I’m  all  ready  and  am  going  down  to  the  boat.  And, 
say,  John,  don’t  forget  a box  of  sardines  you'll  find  in  the 
closet,  and  bring  the  pickles  and  tongue,  and  be  sure  and 
bring  a big  knife.  Do  you  hear  me,  John?” 

John  reeled  into  the  kitchen  and  began  his  work.  He  was 
interrupted  by  his  wife’s  voice  from  below,  yelling: 

“Jolin,  there’s  a can  of  strawberries  in  tlie  ice-box;  don’t 
forget  them.  Now  hurry, — we’ll  be  fearful  late;  and  say, 
bring  one  or  two  more  handkerchiefs  and  a sun-umbrella — or, 
I don’t  know,  it  looks  like  rain,  bring  my  water-proof.  O! 
you  old  poke  ! you’re  going  to  stay  there  all  day.  Now  run 
back  and  close  those  back  shutters,  and  put  the  cat  in  the 
kitchen,  and  leave  a pan  of  milk  for  her;  and  say,  just  stop 
around  to  the  butcher’s  and  tell  him  we  won’t  need  any  meat 
to-day ; and  leave  the  key  of  the  cellar  under  the  parlor-door 
mat.  Now  hurry,  John.  I’m  off.  And  don’t  forget  any- 
thing or  I’ll  go  wild  !” 

He  didn’t  forget  anything;  but  when  he  reached  the  wharf 
he  found  the  boat  had  been  gone  two  hours. — N.  Y.  Express. 


W 


.. .' ' ' ^ 


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Ir' 


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i'i 


UNSVERSH''  of  SLLlNOiS 

urbana 


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■;je 


^ORIGINh 

OF 

FAMILIAR  THINGS. 


Rise  of  the  Hat. 

Flow  FEW  of  US  have  traced  the  history  of  the  hat! 
The  felt  hat  is  as  old  as  Iloiner.  The  Greeks  made  them 
ill  skull  caps — conical,  truncated,  narrow  or  broad  brimmed. 
The  Phrygian  bonnet  has  an  elevated  cap  without  a brim, 
the  apex  turned  over  in  front.  It  is  known  as  the  Cap  of 
T^iberty. 

An  ancient  figure  of  Liberty,  in  the  time  of  Antonius 
Livy,  A.  D.  145,  holds  the  cap  in  the  right  hand.  The 
I^ersians  wore  soft  caps ; plumed  hats  were  the  head-dress 
of  the  Syrian  corps  of  Xerxes;  the  broad  brim  was  worn 
by  the  Macedonian  kings.  Castor  means  a beaver. 

The  Armenian  captive  wore  a plug  hat.  The  merchants 
of  the  fourteenth  century  wore  a Flanders  beaver  ; Charles 
VII.,  in  1469,  wore  a felt  hat  lined  with  red  and  jiliimed. 
The  English  men  and  women  in  1510  wore  close  woolen  or 
knitted  caps;  two  centuries  ago  hats  were  worn  in  the 
house.  Pejiys,  in  his  diary  in  1664,  wrote  : 

“September,  1664,  got  a severe  cold  because  \ took  off 
my  hat  at  dinner;”  and  again,  in  January,  1665.  he  got 


4 


ORIGIN  OF 


another  cold  by  sitting  too  long  with  his  head  bare  to  allow 
his  wife’s  maid  to  comb  his  hair  and  wash  his  ears.  And 
Lord  Clarendon,  in  liis  essay,  speaking  of  the  decay  of  re- 
spect due  the  aged,  says,  that  “in  his  younger  days  he 
never  kept  his  hat  on  before  those  older  than  himself,  except 
at  dinner.”  In  the  thirteenth  century.  Pope  Innocent  IV. 
allowed  the  Cardinals  the  use  of  the  scarlet  cloth  hat. 
The  hats  now  in  use  are  the  cloth  hat,  cork  hat,  embossed 
hat,  felt  hat,  fur  hat,  leather  hat,  paper  hat,  silk  hat, 
opera  hat,  spring  brim  hat  and  straw  hat. 


Origin  of  Gloves. 

Gloves  with  separate  fingers  and  covering  the  wrist 
were  first  worn  in  France  in  the  time  of  St.  Louis  (1215- 
1270).  The  gauntlet  was  a later  invention.  If  we  may 
trust  a MS.  Chronicle  of  Bertrand  Guesclin,  it  was  known 
at  the  end  of  the  fourteenth  century. 

Skins  with  the  hair  on  were  frequently  used  in  the  mid- 
dle ages,  as,  according  to  the  passage  of  Musonias  quoted 
by  Casaubon,  they  had  been  by  the  ancients.  They  are 
frequently  mentioned  as  having  been  worn  by  Inisbandmen 
in  England. 

The  modern  ladies’  glove  of  four-and-twenty  buttons  has 
its  prototype;  for  in  the  fourteenth  century  the  nobility  of 
France  began  to  wear  gloves  reaching  to  the  elbows. 
These  gloves  were,  at  times,  like  the  more  familiar  stock- 
ing which  they  must  have  much  resembled,  used  as  purses. 
FTotwith standing  their  length,  it  was  always  looked  upon 
as  decorous  for  the  laity  to  take  off  their  gloves  in  church, 
where  ecclesiastics  alone  might  wear  them.  The  custom 
still  obtains  in  the  Church  of  England  at  the  sacrament, 
though  it  is  plain  that  it  had  not  arisen  in  this  connection  in 
the  first  instance,  since  in  the  Roman  ritual  the  communi- 


FAMILIAR  THINGS. 


5 


cant  does  not  handle  the  consecrated  wafer.  It  was  per- 
haps regarded  as  a proof  and  symbol  of  clean  hands,  for 
to  this  day  persons  sworn  in  our  law  courts  are  compelled 
to  remove  their  gloves.  There  is  probably,  too,  some  rela- 
tion between  this  feeling  and  a curious  Saxon  law  which  for- 
bade the  Judges  to  wear  gloves  while  sitting  on  the  Bench. 

The  gloves  of  the»  Judges  were,  like  those  of  the  Bish- 
ops, a mark  of  their  rank.  The  portraits  of  the  Judges 
painted  by  order  of  the  Corporation  of  London  in  the 
reign  of  Charles  II.,  and  hanging  in  the  courts  at  Guild- 
hall, represent  them  with  fringed  and  embroidered  gloves. 
It  was  probably  not  in  reference  to  the  Judges  that  a cant 
term  for  a bribe  was  a ‘‘pair  of  gloves.” 

When  Sir  Thomas  More  was  Chancellor,  he  happened 
to  determine  a cause  in  favor  of  a lady  named  Croaker, 
who  displayed  her  gratitude  by  sending  him  a New  Year’s 
gift  of  a pair  of  gloves  with  forty  angels  in  them. 

Sir  Thomas  returned  the  money  with  the  following 
letter:  “Mistress — Since  it  were  against  good  manners 

to  refuse  your  New  Year’s  gift,  I am  content  to  take  jmur 
gloves,  but  as  for  the  lining,  I utterly  refuse  it.” 

It  was  a mark  of  respect  in  the  Middle  Ages,  and  even 
down  to  our  fathers’  days,  though  fast  disappearing,  to 
remove  the  glove  in  greeting.  At  several  towns  in  Eng- 
land, it  has  been  the  custom  from  time  immemorial  to 
announce  a fair  by  hoisting  a huge  glove  upon  a prominent 
place. 


Timepieces. 

Ijowls  were  used  to  measure  time,  from  which  water, 
drop  by  drop,  was  discharged  tlirougli  a small  aperture. 
Such  bowls  were  called  water-clocks.  It  was  then  ob« 
served  how  much  water  from  such  bowl  or  cask,  from  sun 


6 


ORIGIN  OF 


rise  till  the  shortest  shadow,  trickled  down  into  another 
bowl  placed  beneath;  and  this  time,  being  the  half  of  the 
whole  solar  day,  was  divided  into  six  hours.  Consequently, 
they  took  a sixth  of  the  water  which  had  trickled  down, 
poured  it  into  the  upper  bowl,  and,  this  discharged,  one 
hour  had  expired.  But  afterward  a more  convenient 
arrangement  was  made.  They  observed  how  high  the 
water,  at  each  hour,  rose  in  the  lower  bowl,  marked  these 
points,  and  counted  tliem,  thus  finding  out  how  many 
hours  were  till  sunrise. 

With  the  Chinese,  the  water-clocks,  or  clepsydras,  are 
very  old.  They  used  a round  vessel  filled  with  water, 
with  a hole  in  the  bottom,  which  was  placed  upon  another 
vessel.  When  the  water  in  the  upper  vessel  passed  down 
into  the  lower  vessel,  it  subsided  by  degrees,  announcing 
thereby  the  part  of  time  elapsed.  The  Babylonians  are 
said  to  have  used  such  instruments;  from  them  the  Greeks 
of  Asia  Minor  got  them,  at  the  time  of  King  C^u’us,  about 
the  year  550  before  Christ.  The  Romans  did  not  get  the 
first  water-clock  before  Christ.  But,  though  the  hours  of 
the  clepsydras  did  not  vary  in  length,  they  still  counted 
from  the  morning. 

When  the  clock  with  us  strikes  seven,  the  ancients^ 
counted  one;  when  the  clock  with  us  strikes  twelve,  the 
ancients  counted  six,  and  so  forth.  This  method  of  count- 
ing the  hour  was,  according  to  the  Kew  Testament,  also 
customary  in  Palestine  at  the  time  of  Christ.  The  water- 
clocks  had  the  advantage  that  they  could  be  used  in  the 
night,  and  the  Romans  used  them  to  divide  their  night 
watches,  which  were  relieved  four  times,  both  summer  and 
winter.  Comformably  to  these,  four  night  watches  were 
counted,  not  only  in  Rome,  but  wherever  a Roman  garri- 
son was  stationed;  consequently,  also  in  Palestine  after -it 
had  become  a Roman  province. 


FAMILIAR  THINGS. 


7 


A Curious  Account  of  the  Origin  of  the  “House  that 
Jack  Built.” 

As  THE  occupations  and  pleasures  of  childhood  produce 
a powerful  impression  on  the  memory,  it  is  probable  al- 
most every  reader  who  has  passed  his  infantile  day  in  an 
English  nursery  recollects  the  delight  with  which  he  re- 
peated that  puerile,  jingling  legend,  “The  House  that 
Jack  Built.”  Yery  few,  however,  says  a writer  in  the 
London  Congregational  Magazine^  are  at  all  aware  of  the 
original  form  of  its  composition,  or  the  particular  subject 
it  was  designed  to  illustrate.  Fewer  still  would  suspect 
that  it  is  only  an  accommodated  and  altered  translation  of 
an  ancient  parabolical  hymn  sung  by  the  Jews  at  the  feast 
of  the  Passover,  and  commemorative  of  the  principal 
events  in  the  history  of  that  people.  Yet  such  is  actually 
the  fact. 

The  original  in  the  Chaldee  language  is  now  lying  be- 
fore me,  and  I will  here  furnish  them  with  a literal  trans- 
lation of  it,  and  then  add  the  interpretation  as  given  by 
P.  N.  Lebrecht,  Leipsic,  1731.  The  hymn  itself  is  found 
in  Sepher  Ilaggadah,  volume  23 : 

1.  A kid,  a kid,  my  father  bought 
For  two  pieces  of  money: 

A kid,  a kid. 

2.  Then  came  the  cat  and  ate  the  kid 
That  my  father  bought 

For  two  pieces  of  money: 

A kid,  a kid. 

3.  Then  came  the  dog,  that  bit  the  cat. 

That  ate  the  kid, 

That  my  father  bought 
For  two  pieces  of  money: 

A kid,  a kid. 

4.  Then  came  the  staff,  and  beat  the  dog. 

That  bit  the  cat, 

That  ate  the  kid, 


i 


s 


ORIGIN  OF 


That  my  father  bouglit 
For  two  pieces  of  vaoDey: 

A kid,  a kid. 

6.  Then  came  the  fire,  and  burned  the  staff. 

That  beat  the  dog, 

That  bit  the  cat, 

That  ate  the  kid, 

That  my  father  bought 
For  two  pieces  of  money: 

A kid,  a kid. 

6.  Then  came  the  water  and  quenched  the  fir© 

That  burned  the  staff. 

That  beat  the  dog. 

That  bit  the  cat, 

That  ate  the  kid, 

That  my  father  bought 
For  two  pieces  of  money; 

A kid,  a kid. 

7.  Then  came  the  ox,  and  drank  the  water. 

That  quenched  the  fire, 

That  burned  the  staff. 

That  beat  the  dog. 

That  bit  the  cat. 

That  ate  the  kid, 

That  my  father  bought 
For  two  pieces  of  money; 

A kid.  a kid. 

8.  Then  came  the  butcher  and  slew  the  oic. 

That  draiik  the  water, 

That  quenched  the  fire, 

That  burned  the  staff. 

That  beat  the  dog. 

That  bit  the  cat. 

That  ate  the  kid. 

That  my  father  bought 
For  two  pieces  of  money: 

A kid,  a kid. 

9.  Then  came  the  angel  of  death  and  killed  the  butcher. 
That  slew  the  ox. 

That  drank  the  water. 


M: 


FAMILIAR  THING 


e 


That  quenched  the  fire. 

That  burned  the  staff, 

That  beat  the  dog, 

That  bit  the  cat. 

That  ate  the  kid, 

That  my  father  bought 
For  two  pieces  of  money: 

A kid,  a kid. 

10.  Then  came  the  Holy  One,  blessed  be  ELe* 

And  killed  the  angel  of  death, 

That  killed  the  butcher, 

That  slew  the  ox. 

That  drank  the  water. 

That  quenched  the  fire. 

That  burned  the  staff. 

That  beat  the  dog, 

That  bit  the  cat, 

That  ate  the  kid. 

That  my  father  bought 
For  two  pieces  of  money: 

A kid,  a kid. 

The  following  is  the  interpretation  : 

1.  The  kid,  which  is  one  of  the  pure  animals,  denotes 
the  Hebrews.  Tlie  father  by  whom  it  was  purchased  is 
Jehovah,  who  represents  himself  as  sustaining  this  rela- 
tion to  the  Hebrew  nation.  The  pieces  of  money  signify 
Moses  and  Aaron,  through  whose  mediation  the  Hebrews 
were  brouglit  out  of  Egypt. 

2.  The  cat  denotes  the  Assyrians,  by  whom  the  ten 
tribes  were  cai-ried  into  captivity. 

3.  The  dog  is  symbolical  of  the  Babylonians. 

4.  The  staff  signified  the  Persians. 

5.  The  fire  indicates  the  Grecian  Empire  under  Alex- 
ander the  Great. 

G.  The  water  betokens  the  Koman,  or  the  fourth  of  the 
great  monarchies  to  whom  the  Jews  were  subjected. 

7.  The  ox  is  a symbol  of  the  Saracens,  who  subdued 
Palestine,  anu  brought  it  under  the  Galiphate. 


10 


ORIGIN  OF 


8.  The  butcher  that  killed  the  ox  denotes  the  Crusaders 
by  whom  the  Holy  Land  was  wrested  out  of  the  hands  of 
the  Saracens. 

9.  The  angel  of  death  signifies  the  Turkish  power,  by 
which  the  land  of  Palestine  was  taken  from  the  Franks, 
and  to  whom  it  is  still  subject. 

10.  The  commencement  of  the  tenth  stanza  is  designed 
to  show,  that  God  will  take  signal  vengeance  on  the 
Turks,  immediately  after  whose  overthrow  the  Jews  are 
to  be  restored  to  their  own  land,  and  live  under  the  gov- 
ernment of  their  long-expected  Messiah. 


Professor  Huxley’s  Origin  of  the  Domestic  Dog. 

In  his  second  lecture  on  dogs  at  the  Poyal  Institution, 
in  London,  Professor  Huxley  considered  the  problem  of 
the  origin  of  the  domestic  dog.  lie  thought  they  could 
see  their  w^ay  to  solving  it  if  they  began. upon  a solid  basis 
of  fact.  Such  a basis  of  fact  was  supj)lied  b}"  what  they 
knew  of  the  origin  of  dogs  of  orth  America.  The  Indians 
of  the  northwestern  parts  of  America  were  all  in  possession 
of  half-tame  cur-like  dogs  living  in  the  same  way  as  the 
dogs  in  Egpyt,  in  a semi-independent  condition.  In  the 
same  country  there  existed  a wild  animal — the  Canis 
Latrans^  or  prairie  wolf. 

It  was  impossible  to  point  out  any  distinction  between 
the  prairie  wolves  and  the  domesticated  dog  of  the  Indians. 
It  was  difficult  to  understand  how  these  wild  and  fierce 
animals  could  be  tamed ; and  yet,  when  one  knew  their 
liabits,  it  was  easy  enough.  The  smaller  wolves  and 
jackals,  although  predacious  and  fierce,  were  endowed  with 
a singular  curiosity;  that  curiosity  directed  them  toward 
man  and  his  doings.  There  was  not  one  of  these  animals 
which,  if  caught  young — whether  jackal  or  small  wolf — 


FAMILIAR  THINGS. 


11 


could  not  be  tamed  and  made  as  attached  and  devoted  to 
man  as  any  ordinary  dog.  It  was  not  difficult  to  under- 
stand, therefore,  how  these  animals  became  acquainted 
with  man,  how  they  became  trained,  and  how  from  them 
sprang  a race  of  domesticated  animals  which,  curiously 
enough,  were  far  more  attached  to  their  masters  and  the 
animals  with  which  they  were  brought  up,  than  to  members 
of  their  own  family. 

If  they  could  depend  upon  the  fact  that  this  one  domes- 
tic dog  originated  in  the  taming  of  an  indigenous  wild  ani- 
mal, then  the  general  problem  of  the  origin  of  domestic 
dogs  would  take  this  form — Could  they  find  in  all  parts  of 
the  world  in  which  domestic  dogs  were  known,  wild  stock  so 
similar  to  the  existing  race  of  dogs  that  there  was  nothing 
unnatural  in  supposing  that  they  had  the  same  origin  as 
the  Indian  dog?  They  might  trace  dog-like  animals  far- 
ther and  farther  west,  until,  in  Northern  Africa,  they  liad 
a whole  series  of  dog-like  animals,  usually  known  as  jack- 
als. He  believed  that  these  wild  stocks  were  the  source 
from  which,  in  each  case,  the  savages  who  originally  be- 
gan to  tame  dogs  had  derived  the  stock. 

This  view  was  confirmed  by  the  archaeological  researches. 
They  had  preserved  to  them,  on  the  monuments  of  an- 
cient Egypt,  a great  variety  of  forms  of  dogs,  and  it  was 
significant  that  the  further  back  they  went  the  fewer  were 
the  varieties,  until,  at  the  time  of  the  third  and  fourth  dy- 
nasties— that  is,  about  six  thousand  years  ago — there  were 
only  two  well-marked  forms  of  dogs.  One  of  them  was  a 
coinparatively  small  cur-like  dog,  similar  to  that  which  was 
to  be  seen  in  the  streets  of  Cairo  at  the  present  day,  and 
the  other  was  like  a greyhound. 

The  cur  was,  no  doubt,  a tame  species  of  the  wild  jackal, 
which  was  still  to  be  found  in  the  same  country ; and  with 
respect  to  the  greyhound,  there  was  in  Abyssinia  a very 


12 


ORIGIN  OF 


long-headed  dog,  which  was  very  much  of  the  same  form 
as  the  greyhound,  and  which,  it  could  hardly  be  doubted, 
was  the  source  from  which  it  sprang.  Assuming  that  there 
was  no  doubt  that  the  origin  of  dogs  could  be  traced  to 
these  sources,  the  more  modified  forms  of  the  domestic 
animal  were  simply  tlie  result  of  the  selected  breeding, 
which  had  given  rise  to  the  same  modification  in  dogs  as  it 
had  done  in  the  case  of  pigeons. 


Romance  of  the  Rose. 

In  Germany  there  are  numerous  superstitions  connected 
with  the  rose,  of  which  a few  as  specimens  are  subjoined. 
Rose  leaves  are  thrown  on  a coal  fire  for  good  luck,  and 
great  importance  is  attached  to  the  ceremony  and  the  rev- 
erent manner  in  which  it  is  performed.  The  relations  of 
this  flower  to  blood  are  widely  believed.  In  Germany,  as 
well  as  in  France  and  Italy,  a drop  of  one’s  blood  buried 
under  a rosebush  is  said  in  a short  time -to  produce  rosy 
■cheeks. 

It  is  also  believed  in  Germany,  that  a white  rose  appears 
in  the  chair  ot  any  one  about  to  die,  and  it  would  seem 
that  the  soul  was  thought  occasionally  to  take  the  form  of 
a white  rose.  It  is  also  a German  notion  that  if  a white 
rosebush  blossoms  unexpectedly,  it  is  a sign  of  an  ap- 
proaching death  in  the  nearest  house;  whereas,  the  blos- 
soming of  a red  rose  in  autumn  is  said  to  denote  an  early 
marriage.  Many,  too,  dislike  throwing  a rose  in  a grave, 
as  it  is  supposed  to  be  unlucky. 

To  scatter  rose  leaves  on  the  ground  has  been  held  to 
be  ominous.  As  an  illustration  of  this,  we  may  quote  the 
following  sad  incident  from  the  “Life  and  Correspondence 
of  M.  G.  Lewis.”  The  lady  to  whom  the  portent  hap- 
pened was  Miss  Ray,  who  was  murdered  at  the  piazza 


FAMILIAR  THINGS. 


13^ 


entrance  of  Covent  Garden  Theater,  April  7,  1779.  When 
the  carriage  was  announced,  and  she  was  adjusting  lier 
dress,  Miss  Lewis  made  some  remark  on  a beautiful  rose 
which  Miss  Eaj  wore  in  her  bosom.  Just  as  the  words 
were  uttered,  the  rose  fell  to  the  ground.  She  immediately 
stooped  to  regain  it,  but  as  she  picked  it  up  the  red  leaves 
scattered  themselves  on  the  carpet,  and  the  stalk  alone 
remained  in  her  hand.  The  poor  girl,  who  had  been  de- 
pressed in  spirits  before,  was  evidently  afflicted  by  this  in- 
cident, and  said,  in  a slightly  faltering  voice: 

I trust  I am  not  to  consider  this  an  evil  omen.”  But 
soon  rallying,  she  expressed  to  Mrs.  Lewis  in  a cheerful 
tone,  her  hope  that  they  should  meet  again  after  the  tlieater 
— a hope,  alas ! which  was  never  realized. 

In  Italy  the  red  rose  is  considered  as  an  emblem  of  an 
early  death,  and  it  is  regarded  as  an  evil  omen  to  scatter 
its  leaves  on  the  ground. 

The  rose  is  not  without  its  weather  lore,  and  it  was  for- 
merly a common  idea  tliat  when  roses  and  violets  flourished 
in  autumn  there  would  be  some  epidemic  in  the  ensuing 
year.  The  training  white  dog  rose  is ‘commonly  consid- 
ered to  liave  been  the  most  chosen  by  the  house  of  York. 
The  white  rose,  however,  has  a very  ancient  interest  for 
Englishmen,  for  long  before  the  brawl  in  the  Temple 
gardens,  the  flower  had  been  connected  with  one  of  the 
most  ancient  names  on  the  island.  The  elder  Pliny,  in 
discussing  the  etymology  of  the  word  Albion,  suggests  that 
the  land  may  have  been  so  named  from  the  w’hito  roses 
which  abounded  in  it. 


Discovery  of  Petroleum — An  Interesting  Story. 

It  was  by  the  merest  accident  that  Colonel  E.  L. 
Drake’s  attention  was  first  directed  to  the  value  of  petro-  • 


14 


OllIGIN  OF 


leum,  in  1858.  Half  a century  before  that  date,  Kat 
Carey  had  peddled  the  peculiar  oil  which  was  skiinined  in 
small  quantities  from  the  waters  of  Oil  Creek,  and  had 
paraded  its  virtues  as  a purgative  and  liniment.  He 
called  it  Seneca  oil,  from  the  fact  that  Ked  Jacket,  the 
Seneca  chief,  had  imparted  to  the  whites  the  secret  of  its 
powers.  Its  fame  as  a medicinal  agent  was  purely  local, 
when  Carey,  with  vials  of  the  stuff,  plodded  from 
hamlet  to  hamlet,  and  established  a demand  for  it  that 
brought  him  no  small  profit. 

An  attempt  by  General  Franklin  to  introduce  this  “great 
natural  medicine”  to  a Southern  market  later  on  ended 
disastrously,  the  Baltimore  merchant  to  whom  a wagon- 
load of  it  was  consigned,  dumping  it  into  the  Chesapeake 
Bay,  unable  to  endure  the  odor  whicli  it  sent  forth,  and 
unwilling  to  believe  that  his  Southern  customers  could 
accustom  themselves  to  the  remedy,  no  matter  what  the 
nature  of  their  ailments.  Northern  patients,  howev'er, 
took  more  kindly  to  it,  but  among  them  even  it  was  known 
more  as  a liniment  than  as  a medicine. 

For  several  years,  until  1858,  a firm  in  New  York  had 
received  from  Titusville,  Pa.,  about  a gallon  of  this  oil  a 
day,  which,  mixed  with  other  ingredients,  they  sold  as  the 
then  celebrated  “Mustang  Liniment.”  Their  supply  of 
oil  was  gathered  in  the  very  primitive  method  of  dipping 
blankets  in  a spring  permeated  with  the  article  and  wring- 
ing them  into  pans.  This  spring  was  owned  by  the  firm, 
and  when  they  were  unable  to  meet  their  indebtedness  to 
persons  in  New  Haven,  Conn.,  the  latter  took  the  Titus- 
ville property  in  payment.  This  was  in  1858.  Colonel 
Drake  was  then  a conductor  on  the  New  York  A New 
Haven  Kailroad,  whose  shrewdness  had  already  attracted 
the  attention  of  the  owners  of  the  newly-acquired  property. 
They  sent  him  to  Pennsylvania  to  perfect  their  title  to  it. 


FAMILIAR  THINGS. 


15 


He  became  satisfied  from  his  observations,  that  Seneca  oil 
was  possessed  of  more  properties  than  had  ever  been  cred- 
ited to  it,  and  that  a fortune  was  in  store  for  the  man  who 
€Ould  secure  it  in  any  quantit}\ 

He  suggested  the  idea  that  the  oil  could  be  obtained  in 
paying  quantities  by  sinking  a well.  He  was  laughed  at  as 
a lunatic  by  the  Pennsylvanians.  Returning  to  Hew  Haven, 
he  succeeded  in  interesting  some  capitalists  in  the  novel 
theory,  and  in  organizing  the  Seneca  Oil  Company,  of 
which  he  was  appointed  manager.  In  the  spring  of  1859, 
he  commenced  sinking  a well  on  Watson’s  Flat,  at  a spot 
about  a mile  below  Titusville.  The  move  was  considered 
so  ridiculous  that  it  was  only  with  the  greatest  difficulty 
that  he  could  hire  assistance  in  the  work.  He  finally 
secured  the  services  of  an  old  salt-borer,  named  William  A. 
Smith,  and  his  two  sons.  The  boring  of  the  first  pe- 
troleum well  was  begun  on  the  1st  of  July,  1859.  When 
the  three  men  quit  work  at  sundown  on  the  29th  of  August, 
they  had  drilled  to  a depth  of  sixty-nine  feet  six  inches. 
The  elder  Smith  was  first  at  the  hole  the  following  morning, 
and  to  his  astonishment  it  was  filled  with  oil.  A barrel  of 
it  was  dipped  out  in  a few  minutes,  and  the  news  of  Colonel 
Drake’s  sanity  ran  like  wildfire  up  Oil  Creek  Valley.  The 
discovery  was  flashed  over  the  country,  and  then  began  the 
ever-memorable  oil  excitement,  which  made  and  beggared 
men  before  it  subsided.  To-day  the  oil  region  is  honey- 
combed with  wells,  the  supply  of  petroleum  far  exceeds 
the  demand,  and  farmers  who  own  no  oil  stock  are  skim- 
ming from  the  waters  of  the  same  creeks  over  which  old 
Hat  Carey  labored,  hundreds  of  gallons  of  the  stufi’,  which 
is  running  to  waste. 


1« 


ORIGIN  OF 


Origin  of  the  Dial. 

Max  Muller,  in  the  Contempor'ary  Review^  says:  If 
in  our  language  we  are  Aryan,  in  our  letters  Egyptian,  we 
have  only  to  look  at  our  watches  to  see  that  we  are  Baby- 
lonian. Why  is  our  hour  divided  into  sixty  minutes,  our 
minutes  into  sixty  seconds?  Would  not  a division  of  the 
hour  into  ten,  or  fifty,  or  a hundred  minutes,  have  been 
more  natural?  We  have  sixty  divisions  on  the  dials  of  our 
watches  simply  because  the  Greek  astronomer  Hipparchus, 
who  lived  in  the  second  century  B.  C.,  accepted  the  Baby- 
lonian system  of  reckoning  time,  that  system  being  sexa- 
gesimal. The  Babylonians  knew  the  decimal  system,  but 
for  practical  purposes  they  counted  by  sossi  and  sai'i^  the 
80SS0S  representing  60,  the  sai^os  60x60,  or  3,600.  From 
Hipparchus  that  system  found  its  way  into  the  works  of 
Ptolemy  about  150  A.D.,  and  thence  it  was  carrried  down 
the  stream  of  civilization,  finding  its  last  resting-place  on 
the  dial-plates  of  our  clocks. 


Horse-Racing. 

Horse-racing,  it  appears,  first  came  into  fashion  in 
France,  in  the  days  of  Louis  XYI.  A writer  of  tlie  time 
says:  “A  jockey  is  nowadays  more  thought  of  than  a 

runner.  Ladies  go  to  the  races  and  seem  to  have  no  pity 
for  those  youths  with  closely-cropped  hair,  who  render 
themselves  wheezy  and  asthmatic  in  order  to  enable  M. 
Le  Due  to  win  the  prize.”  The  first  racing  men,  were 
Philippe  d’ Orleans,  who  afterward  became  Phillip  Egaiite, 
the  Due  de  Penthievre,  the  Chevalier  Saint  Georges,  and 
the  Comte  d’ Artois,  afterward  Charles  X.  The  race-course 
was  the  high  road  from  Paris  to  St.  Denis. 

In  those  days,  however,  racing  was  an  expensive  luxury 
in  which  only  a few  Anglo-maniacs  indulged.  It  was  not 


FAMILIAR  THINGS. 


17 


until  after  the  Kevolution  of  1830,  that  the  passion  for  rac- 
ing, which  has  ever  since  gone  on  increasing  in  ardoiv 
took  possession  of  the  French  nation,  and  more  especially 
of  the  Parisians.  The  great  owners  then  were  Mine, 
Latache  de  Fay,  and  the  eccentric  Lord  Seymour,  who  had 
his  stables,  in  the  very  center  of  Paris,  on  the  Boulevard 
des  Italiens  where  the  Theater  des  Nouveautes  now 
stands.  A writer  on  the  manners  of  1830  declares,  in 
spite  of  the  comparative  popularity  of  the  races,  that  the 
passion  for  horse-flesh  was  only  a caprice  of  fashion,  and 
that  it  would  not  last.  ‘‘Its  apparition  on  the  Parisian 
liorizon,”  he  says,  “marks  only  a new  phase  in  what  is 
called  Anglo-mania. 

“ Before  the  fall  of  the  Empire,  a Frenchman  rode  on 
horseback  according  to  the  old  principles,  and  enjoyed 
equitation  after  the  manner  of  the  routine  of  the  past. 
The  end  of  the  Continental  blockade  was  the  signal  for  the 
introduction  of  ‘sport,’  the  ‘turf,’  ‘steeple-chases.’  The 
‘gentleman  rider’  crossed  the  Channel  under  favor  of  the 
same  wind  which  carried  the  Bellerophon  and  its  illustrious 
captive  to  St.  Helena.  In  spite  of  the  favors  of  fash- 
ion, in  spite  of  the  foundation  of  a famous  Club,  the  ori- 
gin and  name  of  which  are  essentially  horsey,  in  spite  of 
the  more  serious  establishment  of  the  Societe  d ’Encour- 
agement, for  the  improvement  of  the  race  of  horses, 
‘sport’  has  scarcely  entered  into  our  manners  any  more 
than  the  word  has  into  our  language.”  For  years,  in 
fact,  the  public  did  not  attend  tlie  races  ; the  members  of 
the  Jockey  Club  and  of  tlie  Societe  d’ Encouragement  used 
to  be  present  almost  alone  and  awarded  tlie  jirizes  with 
grave  dignity. 

Under  the  Second  Enqiire,  however,  tliese  c(j[uestrian 
ceremonies  began  to  assume  a festive  air.  The  jmblic  of 
the  first  re])resentations,  the  '‘'‘tout  Paris  dea  'premieres^ 


18 


ORIGIN  OF 


shone  in  the  first  ranks  of  the  Grand  Stand,  and  the  ladies 
in  grand  toilet  chatted  with  the  young  “sportsmen”  about 
the  horses  that  were  entered.  It  was  then  that  some 
noble  Anglo-maniac  imported  a mail-coach  from  England, 
and  four-in-hands  became  at  once  a fashion  and  a stum- 
bling-block to  French  ortliographists. 

Among  the  most  brilliant  of  the  gentlemen  riders  of  that 
time  was  the  Due  de  Grammont-Caderousse,  a singular 
combination  of  elegance  and  ignorance,  and  one  of  the 
last  of  the  ^'‘viveurs’'^  of  Paris.  At  present,  in  s])ite  of 
the  prophet  whose  words  I have  quoted  above,  horse-rac- 
ing is  becoming  more  and  more  popular  in  France.  The 
height  of  elegance  and  the  quintessence  of  chic  is  to  own 
race-horses.  It  is  the  acme  of  luxury.  Nowadays  a man 
has  neither  power  nor  influence  unless  he  keeps  race- 
horses, owns  a news])aper,  and  provides  the  bulk  of  the 
funds  for  some  tlieater. 


Origin  of  Certain  Names. 

Anna-bella  is  not  Anna-bella,  or  Fair  Anna,  but  is  the 
feminine  name  of  Ilannibel,  meaning  gift  (or  grace)  of  Bel. 
Arabella  is  not  Arabella,  or  beautiful  altar,  but  Grabilla,  a 
dying  woman.  In  its  Anglicized  form  of  Orabel,  it  was 
much  more  common  in  the  thirteenth  century  than  at 
present.  Maurice  has  nothing  to  do  with  Mauritius,  or  a 
Moor,  but  comes  from  Amalric — himmel-reich — the  king- 
dom of  lieaven.  Ellen  is  the  feminine  of  xVlain,  Allan, 
Allan,  and  has  no  possible  connection  with  Helen,  which 
comes  from  a difierent  language,  and  is  older  by  about  a 
thousand  years  at  least.  Amy  is  not  from  aimee,  but  from 
amie.  Avice,  or  Avis,  does  not  exactly  mean  advice,  as 
some  seem  to  think.  It  comes  from  Hid  wis,  and  means 
happy,  wisdom.  Eliza  has  no  connection  with  Elizabeth. 


FAMILIAR  THINGS. 


19 


It  is  the  sister  of  Louisa,  and  both  mean  the  daughters  of 
Heloise,  which  is  Ileelwis,  another  form  of  Louisa,  or 
rather  Louise,  which  is  the  feminine  of  Louis,  but  this  was 
scarcely  heard  of  before  the  sixteenth  century.  The  older 
Ileloise  form  of  the  name,  Aloisa,  or  Aloysia,  was 
adopted  into  mediaeval  English  as  Elesia — a name  which 
our  old  genealogists  always  confuse  with  Alic.  Emily 
and  Amelia  are  not  different  forms  of  one  name.  Emily 
is  from  ^mylia,  the  name  of  an  Etruscan  gens.  Amelia 
comes  from  the  Gothic  amala — heavenly.  Reginald  is  not 
derived  from  Regina,  and  has  nothing  to  do  with  a queen. 
It  is  Reinalt — exalted  purity.  Alice,  Adelias,  Adelaide, 
Alisa,  Alix,  Adeline,  are  all  forms  of  one  name,  the  root 
of  which  is  adel — noble.  But  Anne  was  never  used  as 
identical  with  Annis  or  Agnes  (of  which  last  the  old  Scotch 
Annas  is  a variety),  nor,  it  is  maintained,  was  Elizabeth 
ever  synonymous  with  Isabel. 


The  Origin  of  Ghosts. 

On  the  appreciation  of  the  simple  fact  that  the  brain  is 
the  true  seat  of  the  senses,  says  Chambers^  Journal^  rests 
the  whole  explanation  of  the  ghosts  and  apparitions  which 
occasionally  attend  the  footsteps  and  meet  the  eyes  of  hu- 
manity. When  we  are  conscious  of  looking  at  a real  ob- 
ject, a sensation  of  sight  is  formed  on  the  brain,  as  we  have 
seen.  Such  a sensation  we  call  an  ‘‘objective”  one,  be- 
cause it  is  derived  from  a veritable  object.  So  also  when 
we  hear  a tune  played  by  a person  whom  we  see,  or  of 
whose  existence,  even  when  unseen,  we  entertain  no  doubt, 
the  sensation  of  sound  is  then  called  “subjective.”  But 
there  are  many  familiar  instances  in  which  the  power  of 
the  mind  to  reproduce  the  sensations,  sights  and  sounds  we 
have  received,  is  demonstrated. 


30 


ORIGIN  OF 


The  day-dreamer  can  sometimes  bring  the  scenes  in 
which  he  has  once  taken  part,  so  vividly  before  his  mental 
gaze,  that  his  reverie  may  actually  be  broken  by  the  words- 
which  unconsciously  flow  from  his  lips  as  his  imagination 
starts  into  bodily  action.  Such  a power  of  fancy  and  imag- 
ination, is  the  beginning  or  faint  imitation  of  a still  more 
powerful  means  which  we  possess,  of  bringing  before  our- 
selves the  forms  and  scenes  which  have  once  been  object- 
ively present  with  us.  In  the  dream,  this  power  is  illus- 
trated typically  enough 

From  the  background  of  consciousness,  so  to  speak,  we 
project  forward,  in  our  sleep,  the  pictures  which  a busy 
brain  is  producing,  or  it  may  be  piecing  together  from  the 
odds  and  ends  of  its  fancy,  to  form  the  ludicrous  combina- 
tions we  are  familiar  with  in  the  "‘land  of  Xod.”  And  if 
we  carry  the  idea  of  this  same  power  being  exercised  in 
our  waking  moments,  to  form  the  ghosts  of  science,  the 
explanation  of  the  otherwise  curious  and  mysterious  sub- 
ject of  illusive  visions  will  be  completed. 


Arab  Auguries. 

The  Bedouins  take  auguries  from  birds.  A single  raven 
in  one’s  path  is  a very  bad  token,  but  two  are  extremely 
lucky.  They  say  “Aklidharegn  Falan  zein” — two  green 
(i.  e.,  black)  ones,  a fair  omen. 

The  Bedouins  have  many  other  superstitions  about  ani- 
mals. The  superstition  as  to  the  flesh  of  the  rock  badger, 
which  Palmer  noted  in  the  peninsula  of  Sinai,  is  unknown 
here;  but  there  is  a similar  idea  about  the  number  of 
monkeys  which  frequent  Mount  Kara.  These,  it  is  said, 
were  once  men,  who  came  to  visit  the  prophet.  Tie  set 
before  them  milk  and  water,  directing  them  to  drink 
the  former  and  perform  their  ablutions  with  the  latter. 


FAMILIAR  THINGS. 


21 


The  perverse  visitors  drank  the  water  and  washed  with  the 
milk,  and  were  transformed  to  monkeys  for  their  disobedr 
ence.  As  they  were  once  men,  their  flesh  is  not  eaten. 

This  legend  is  closely  akin  to  what  one  reads  in  the  fab- 
ulous history  of  early  Arabia,  about  iS^asnas  and  the  Wabar 
in  the  great  sandy  desert.  Both  these  words  are  monkey 
names,  quite  cm  rent  in  the  present  day,  though  not  recog- 
nized by  the  lexicons.  The  latter  is  an  ape,  the  former  a 
monkey  with  a tail.  Except  in  this  monkey  story,  we 
could  find  no  trace  of  the  superstitious  rejection  of  the 
flesh  of  any  animal.  But  some  kinds  of  flesh  have  a mag- 
ical virtue  attached  to  them.  A man  who  suffers  in  any 
member  of  his  body,  seeks  a cure  by  eating  the  corre- 
sponding part  of  a hyena.  The  hyena  is  also  eaten  in  the 
neighborhood  of  Suez,  for  a friend  who  shot  one  near  the 
wells  of  Moses  was  requested  by  the  Bedouins  to  give 
them  a leg.  A similar  virtue  attaches  to  the  flesh  of 
the  gemsbok  (Wudneyhy),  a rare  species  of  antelope, 
found  far  in  the  interior.  When  eaten,  it  draws  an  obsti- 
nate bullet  from  a wound. 


How  Ice  First  Came  into  Use--Conscientious  Scru- 
ples of  the  Puritans  Against  its  Use  in  Summer. 

Lookino  for  the  ice-cart  in  the  morning  with  more  long- 
ing than  we  look  for  butcher  or  baker,  it  becomes  a matter 
<jf  astonishment  what  the  world  did  without  tliat  refriger- 
ating crystal  before  it  was  invented,  or  at  least  before 
it  became  an  article  of  commerce. 

There  were  long  drouths  and  blazing  hot  summers  many 
times  in  each  century  before  this,  in  which  it  is  our  priv- 
ilege to  draw  cold  water  from  a tin  fountain,  yet  it  was 
reserved  to  this  century  to  discover  that  ice  could  not 


2^ 


ORIGIN  OF 


be  done  without;  that  it  is  a solid  comfort  in  health  and  the 
most  soothing  of  all  luxuries  in  sickness. 

It  was  very  natural  that  a Bostonian  should  have  made 
that  discovery.  Granite  and  ice  are  said  to  be  the  princi- 
pal productions  of  Massachusetts.  Of  course  the  native 
Yankee  turned  the  first  into  building  material;  and  as 
to  the  latter,  he  made  the  world  ashamed  of  itself  that 
it  had  done  without  it  so  long.  The  process  was  a slow 
one  of  forcing  ice  down  the  throats  of  the  people. 

The  old  Puritans  thought  it  was  flying  in  the  face  of 
Providence  to  use  ice  in  the  summer-time.  They  believed 
that,  if  He  had  intended  it  for  any  good  purpose  then, 
He  would  have  furnished  it  in  July  instead  of  December. 
While  waiting  for  conscience  and  comfort  to  come  into 
harmony,  the  export  trade  was  begun,  and  Brazil  was 
favored  with  Yankee  ice  before  the  Yankees  themselves 
began  to  use  it. 

It  was  many  years  before  the  business  rose  to  any 
importance.  The  War  of  1812  stood  in  the  way;  the 
navigation  of  the  country  was  in  its  infancy,  and  invention 
had  not  been  exercised  upon  appliances  for  preserving  an 
article  which  to-day  is,  but  to-morrow  is  not. 

In  1805,  the  first  year  of  exportation,  but  a hundred  and 
thirty  tons  of  ice  were  shipped  from  Boston,  and  more 
than  twenty  years  later  the  export  amounted  to  but  four 
thousand  tons.  Indeed,  it  was  forty  years  from  the  first 
commencement  of  the  business  before  it  began  to  assume 
importance,  but  since  then  it  has  risen  rapidly  until 
millions  of  dollars  are  invested  in  it. 

The  article  is  now  sent  to  India,  the  West  Indies,  South 
America  and  our  own  Southern  States;  to  Mexico  and 
wherever  else  the  climate  can  thus  be  antidoted.  It  is  tho 
convenient  ballast  of  vessels  seeking  foreign  cargoes,  and 
great  ice-houses  are  built  with  triple  walls  and  quintuple 


FAMILIAR  THINGS. 


23 


roofs  against  which  the  rays  of  the  tropic  sun  beat  in  vain. 
The  consumption  abroad,  however,  is  small,  compared 
with  what  is  used  here. 

Kew  York  and  Brooklyn  alone  take  over  eight  hun- 
dred thousand  tons  to  keep  them  in  a state  of  atmospheric 
equilibrium,  three  or  four  times  as  much  as  is  used  in 
Great  Britain.  After  the  American  fashion  in  other 
things,  ice  is  employed  with  a prodigality  that  borders 
on  wastefulness.  Ice  pitchers  are  filled  until  there  is 
little  room  for  water ; the  amount  employed  in  the  cool- 
ing of  soda  watei*  fountains  is  no  small  item ; ices  and 
frozen  creams  take  many  tons  daily. 

What  was  done  before  ice  came  into  use  ? In  Oriental 
countries  the  devices  were  few  and  simple.  A low  tem- 
perature was  attained  by  the  evaporation  of  the  water 
through  porous  jars,  the  bottles  or  other  articles  to  be 
cooled  being  placed  inside.  The  waters  of  deep  wells 
were  eagerly  sought  for,  and  are  to-day  as  much  in  demand 
as  they  were  in  the  time  of  Christ.  Aside  from  these, 
there  is  but  little  comfort  in  tropical  climates  where  ice  is 
yet  unknown,  and  the  pious  Mussulman  resigns  himself  to 
fate  with  much  more  philosophy  than  a Christian  shows 
under  the  same  circumstances.  Here,  even  at  the  present' 
day,  in  many  parts  of  the  country,  the  customs  of  the  fore- 
fathers are  followed.  Articles  to  be  preserved  are  sus- 
pended half-way  down  the  wells,  or  cellars  are  dug,  deep 
enough,  with  the  aid  of  thick  stone  walls,  to  defy  the  heat. 


The  Pin. — A Slow  Development  of  Four  Thousand 

Years. 

Bins  akk  of  very  ancient  invxmtion,  as  they  were  manu- 
factured by  the  Egyptians  in  the  time  of  tlie  Ifiiaraohs. 
Many  of  tliose  useful  articles  were  found  in  the  tombs  of 


24 


ORIGIN  OF 


the  kings  in  the  Pyramids.  Some  of  them  were  of  quite 
elaborate  manufacture,  and  must  have  been  costly,  as  they 
had  gold  heads,  and  were  six  to  eight  inches  in  length. 
Needles  are  also  supposed  to  be  of  great  antiquity,  and 
their  introduction  into  Europe  is  said  to  have  taken  place 
at  the  time  of  the  Saracen  invasion  and  conquest  of  Spain. 
The  first  needles  made  in  England  were  manufactured  at 
London  by  a negro,  who  came  there  from  Spain  during  the 
reign  of  Queen  Mary.  He  died  without  imparting  the 
secret  of  his  art;  but  it  was  subsequently  recovered  in 
1565,  by  one  Elias  Growse.  A century  later,  one  Christo- 
pher Greening  was  instrumental  in  establishing  a factory 
at  Long  Creadon,  in  Buckinghamshire. 

Pins  have  now  been  in  pretty  general  use  in  this  country 
for  nearly  four  hundred  years.  They  were  at  first  merely 
clumsy  iron  spikes,  but  in  1540,  brass  ones  were  introduced 
from  France.  The  importance  the  ladies  of  those  days  at- 
tached to  them,  may  be  gathered  from  the  fact  that  they 
induced  Parliament  to  pass  an  act  “to  avoid  the  sleighty 
and  false  making  of  pinnes,  which  be  dayly  vented,  uttered, 
and  put  to  sale  within  this  realme,  to  the  no  little  hurte  and 
damage  of  the  Kinge’s  subjects,  byers,  and  occupiers  of 
the  same.” 

“Be  it  enacted,”  continued  the  old  law,  “that  no  man- 
ner of  persons  shall  vent,  utter,  or  put  to  sale  by  retayle, 
engrosse,  or  otherwise,  any  manner  of  pinnes  within  this 
realme,  but  only  such  as  shall  be  double  headed,  and  have 
the  heades  soudered  fast  to  the  shank  of  the  pinne,  wel 
smothed,  the  shank  well  shaven,  the  poynt  well  round, 
filed,  canted,  and  shaped.” 

From  this  curious  old  enactment,  it  appears  that  at  that 
time  of  day,  pins  were  made  pretty  much  as  they  were 
ever  since  until  recent  years.  Improvements  were  effected 


FAMILIAR  THIM68. 


25 


in  the  various  operations,  and  the  division  of  labor,  was, 
in  course  of  time,  carried  to  a very  remarkable  extent. 

It  has  been  reckoned  that  no  fewer  than  twenty-seven 
persons  were  formerly  employed  in  making  a pin.  This 
probably  included  all  who  had  any  thing  to  do  with  the 
metal  from  the  mine  upwards.  But  even  in  the  manu- 
facture of  the  actual  pin,  as  many  as  twelve  or  fourteen 
were  concerned.  One  would  straighten  the  wire,  another 
<iut  it  into  handy  lengths,  another  make  the  points,  several 
w^ould  be  engaged  in  making  heads,  others  in  putting 
them  on,  and  so  forth.  Clearly,  therefore,  when  pins 
were  made  by  hand,  a very  large  proportion  of  their  cost 
went  to  the  maintenance  of  workpeople,  and  the  industry 
maintained  thousands  of  hands. 

The  macliine  came  in,  and  all  but  abolished  the  opera- 
tive. Wire  is  put  in  at  one  end,  and  pins  come  out  at  the 
other.  A child  may  tend  five  or  six  of  these  wonderful 
pieces  of  mechanism,  each  of  which  will  turn  out  pins  at 
the  rate  of  300  a minute.  Thus,  in  the  present  day,  a child 
may  produce  at  the  rate  of  1,500  to  2,000  pins  a minute, 
each  of  which,  a few  years  ago,  would  individually  have 
required  the  attention  of  twelve  or  fourteen  persons. 


Rise  and  Fall  of  the  Drum. 

We  have  been  told,  says  a Parisian  gentleman,  that  the 
drum  comes  to  us  from  the  East,  and  that  the  Moors  first 
brought  it  into  Euro])e.  Certain  is  tlie  fact,  that  the  most 
savage  races  have  always  rejoiced  in  tlieir  tam-tams,  and  as 
the  [)leasure  of  making  noise  is  inherent  in  human  nature, 
perhaj)S  tlie  most  effective  way  of  creating  a din  was  in- 
vented by  Adam’s  sons  or  grandsons.  But  tlie  drum  does 
not  a})pear  to  have  been  used  in  the  French  army  until 
towards  the  close  of  the  fourteenth  century,  and  its  intro- 


26 


ORIGIN  OF 


duction  is  attributed  to  the  English  invasion  under  Edward 
III.  Its  general  adoption  by  the  infantry  dates  back  to 
the  time  of  Louis  XL,  when  the  Swiss  element  was  largely 
infused  into  the  royal  forces. 

The  drum  at  that  epoch  was  a shapeless  instrument,  and 
served  more  for  rallying  the  troops,  or  for  the  conveyance 
of  the  word  of  command,  than  for  regulating  the  step,  which 
was  far  from  being  as  measured  as  it  is  now.  Each 
captain  had  a drummer  in  his  private  livery,  and  he  em- 
ployed him  to  carry  his  orders  or  his  instructions  as  much 
as  for  beating  the  word  of  command ; the  drummer  in 
those  days  appears  to  have  been  a kind  of  aid-de-camp. 
The  covering  was  usually  made  from  the  hide  of  some 
animal — generally  of  an  ass — though  if  it  be  true  that  John 
Zisca,  the  avenger  of  IIuss,  bequeathed  his  skin  to  his 
gallant  companions  in  arms,  to  form  the  covering  of  a 
drum  which  was  to  summon  them  in  case  of  danger, 
material  more  noble  was  at  least  once  made  to  serve  the 
purpose. 

The  drum  was  not  used  for  drilling  infantry  to  keep 
step  until  the  middle  of  the  eighteenth  century,  and  the 
roll,  such  as  we  now  know  it,  was  only  regulated  some^ 
hundred  years  ago.  The  drummer’s  art  then  became  more 
difficult,  and  to  perfect  it  regimental  schools  w'ere  estab- 
lished, the  master  of  which  was  the  drum-major,  who  in  re- 
cent times  still  was  such  a prominent  and  popular  personage 
in  each  French  regiment.  The  period  of  his- greatest  glory 
was  the  First  Empire,  when  the  drum-major  of  the  grena- 
diers of  the  guard  had  rank  as  a captain  and  wore  a uniform 
which  cost  Xapoleon  one  hundred  and  twenty  pounds. 
Under  the  restoration  and  the  monarchy  of  July,  drum- 
majors  were  given  to  the  regiments  of  firemen,  and  even  to 
those  of  the  national  guard,  but  of  late  years  their  prestige 
has  diminished  in  a great  extent,  and  also  their  stature ; 


FAMILIAR  THINGS. 


27 


they  are  no  longer  such  imposing  clothes-horses,  all  lace 
and  feathers,  towering  above  ordinary  mortals;  the  race 
has  in  fact  been  visibly  deteriorating. 

Such  as  they  are,  however,  they  will  now  disappear  from 
the  head  of  French  regiments  with  their  drums.  The 
Minister  of  War  explained  before  the  Budget  Committee, 
that  his  reason  for  adopting  the  change  is  because  drum- 
mers are  not  combatants,  so  he  proposed  to  replace  them 
by  trumpeters,  who  do  come  under  that  category.  Like 
the  white  leather  aprons  of  the  sappers,  which  have  disap- 
peared for  some  time,  the  little  parchment-covered  cylinders 
are  henceforth  doomed. 


Legends  of  Flowers. 

Legendary  lore  informs  us,  that  the  rose  was  consecrated 
to  Y enus,  and  Cupid  wore  its  freshest  blooms.  The  origin 
of  the  red  rose  is  thus  explained.  One  accounts  for  it  by 
saying,  that  Yenus  was  wounded  by  its  thorns,  and  her 
blood  flowed  upon  the  pure  white  and  changed  it  red. 
Another  affirms,  that  Eve,  wandering  in  the  bowers  of  bliss, 
stopped  to  kiss  the  waxen  whiteness,  which,  blushing,  re- 
tains the  vermilion  line.  But  Herrick  says,  that 

As  Cupid  danced  among 
The  gods,  he  down  the  nectar  flung  ; 

Which,  on  tlie  white  rose  being  shed, 

Made  it,  forever  after,  red. 

We  have  heard  the  origin  of  the  name  “forget-me-not ” 
is  ascribed  to  the  following  incident:  Two  lovers  had 

wandered  far  until  they  reached  a grove,  all  flowers  and 
moss  beneath  and  leaves  above.  Within  this  wood  was  a 
deep  blue  lake,  witli  islands  gemming  its  peaceful  breast. 
“Those  little  blue-eycd*flowcrs  !”  the  maiden  cried  ; 

“O  see  them,  Ernest,  drooping  o’er  the  brink 
Of  that  sweet  isle  ! Now  shall  thy  love  be  tried, 


ORIGIN  OF 


Thou  gallant  knight ! So  swear  that,  swim  or  sink, 

Those  flowers  around  my  brow  thy  hand  shall  link  ! ” 

The  lover,  smiling,  vowed  it  o’er  and  o’er 
And  leaped  right  gayly  toward  the  flowery  plot. 

But  fell  alas  ! and  sunk — yet  not  before 
He  grasped  the  flowers,  and  threw  them  toward  the  spot 
Where  Mary  sat,  crying  “ Forget-me-not.” 

Tlie  passion  flower  owes  its  name  to  the  missionaries  who 
discovered  it  while  they  were  traversing  South  America. 
It  is  said  its  ten  petals  were  fancied  by  them  to  represent 
the  ten  Apostles,  besides  Judas,  who  betrayed,  and  Peter, 
who  denied,  his  Master.  The  stamens  compare  to  a radi- 
ance or  glory  issuing  from  the  cup  of  the  flower;  the 
small  purple  threads  at  the  base  of  the  st}de,  to  a crown  of 
thorns;  the  style,  to  which  the  malefactors  were  bound 
when  scourged ; the  clasper  to  the  cord,  and  the  palmate 
leaf  to  the  hand.  The  three  divisions  at  the  top  of  tlie 
style  represent  the  three  nails.  One  of  the  flve  stamens 
being  taken  for  the  hammer,  the  other  four  remain  to  form 
the  cross.  The  time  between  the  opening  and  closing  of 
the  flowers,  in  its  native  country,  being  three  days,  com- 
pletes the  representation. 

Of  one  tender  flower,  Shakespeare  says : ‘ ‘ The  more  it 

is  trodden  under  foot,  the  faster  it  grows  ; yet  youth,  the 
more  it  is  wasted,  the  sooner  it  wears.”  The  following 
unecdote  is  told  of  it:  During  the  Devolution,  a British 

ofiicer,  walking  in  the  garden,  eagerly  inquired  the  names 
of  the  various  plants  cultivated.  Coming  to  one  bed,  he 
asked  the  mistress  of  the  ground  (who  attended  him  with 
evident  reluctance)  what  was  the  name  of  that  low  plant. 

“The  rebel’s  flower,”  replied  she  with  firmness. 

“Why  so  called  i"  questioned  the  officer. 

“ Because,”  was  the  bold  reply,  “it  flourishes  the  more 
it  is  trampled  upon.  ’ ’ 

Wordsworth  says : 


FAMILIAR  THINGS. 


29 


As  long  as  there  are  violets, 

They  will  have  a place  in  stor}\ 

So  we  must  not  pass  them  by.  In  the  fourteenth  cen- 
tury, a golden  violet  was  awarded  as  a prize  to  the  author 
of  the  best  poem  in  the  Provencal  language.  In  the 
festival  of  the  Feralia,  celebrated  by  the  Pomans  in  honor 
of  their  dead,  violets  were  strewn  as  offerings.  But  even 
more  do  we  love  our  old  friends  looking  up  from  their  bed 
of  green — the  pansies  ; for  we  remember  Ophelia’s  touch- 
ing words,  ‘‘There’s  rosemary,  that’s  for  remembrance; 
pray  you,  love,  remember;  and  there’s  pansies,  they’re 
for  thoughts.”  The  couch  of  Eden  was  formed  of 

Pansies  and  violets,  and  asphodel, 

And  hyacinths,  earth’s  freshest,  softest  lap. 

Narcissus  indicates  egoism  and  self-love.  Echo,  the 
nymph,  loved  the  beautiful  young  Narcissus.  Finding  he 
did  not  reciprocate  her  affection,  she  pined  away  until  at 
length  she  was  changed  to  rock,  and  nothing  but  her  voice 
remained.  But  Aphrodite  avenged  the  injury  to  her  sex 
on  Narcissus,  who  in  his  self-love  had  scorned  the  lovely 
nymph.  As  he  was  hunting  one  day,  he  went  down  to 
quench  his  thirst  from  a spring,  clear  as  a crystal,  and 
beheld  his  own  image  reflected  therein.  The  goddess 
caused  him  to  fall  in  love  with  Ids  own  shadow,  which 
being  unattainable,  he,  too,  pined  away  from  pure  longing, 
and,  ever  since,  the  flower  named  after  him  has  continued 
an  emblem  of  heartless  beauty  and  self-love. 

In  some  climates  the  cactus  forms  dense  thickets,  so 
impervious  as  not  to  be  penetrated  by  man.  Since  it  has 
been  introduced  into  our  green-houses,  it  has  rapidly  been 
growing  in  favor.  ’Tis  said  that  one  once  raised  its  tall 
bare  branches  amid  the  blooming  flowers  of  a conservatory, 
and  ’twas  deemed  so  ugly  that  it  was  thrown  aside ; sud- 


so 


ORIGIN  OF 


denly  it  put  forth  a hundred  flowers,  and  its  perfume  fell 
with  every  breeze.  Enraptured,  the  gardener  exclaimed : 
Most  gorgeous  of  the  flowers  of  earth, 

Like  love,  thou  waitest  want  and  shame 
To  call  thy  beauties  into  birth. 

O,  teach  me,  wise  and  noble  flowers. 

To  train  my  simple  heart  to  meet 
Misfortune’s  dark  and  friendless  hours 
With  smiles  like  theirs,  serene  and  sweet ! 


First  Locomotive  in  America. 

The  fikst  locomotive  run  in  this  country  was  built  by 
Peter  Cooper,  of  New  York,  and  run  from  Baltimore  to 
Ellicott  City,  Md.  The  young  people  took  to  making 
wedding  trips  of  eight  miles  at  once,  and  the  custom  has 
grown  and  developed  with  the  country.  The  following 
is  the  first  “time-table”  advertised: 

“Office  of  the  Baltimore  & Ohio  ] 

11.  K.  Co.,  June  16th,  1830.  { 

“From  the  depot  on  Pratt  street,  there  will  start: 

“A  train  of  carriages  at  9 o’clock,  a.m. 

“A  train  of  carriages  at  3 o’clock,  p.m.  / 

“A  way  carriage  at  6 o’clock,  p.m. 

“Persons  who  are  desirous  of  obtaining  seats  are 
requested  to  be  punctual,  as  the  carriages  start  precisely 
at  the  time  stated.  Round  trip  only  T5  cents.” 


First  Message  by  Telegraph. 

The  first  message  by  telegraph  was  sent  from  Mt. 
Clare  Depot,  Baltimore,  to  the  Supreme  Court  chamber, 
at  Washington.  The  words  were:  “What  hath  God 

Wrought?”  and  were  sent  by  Miss  Annie  Ellsworth, 
daughter  of  the  Commissioner  of  Patents,  to  Professor 


FAMILIAR  THINGS, 


31 


Morse.  She  received  this  privilege  as  a reward  for  inform- 
ing the  Professor  that  Congress  had  passed  the  bill  to  test 
his  experiment.  He  was  in  despair  after  years  of  effort. 
It  reads  like  a passage  of  our  own  times,  to  learn  that 
Congressional  wits  moved  amendments,  including  experi- 
ments in  millerism  and  mesmerism^  to  the  act.  Such, 
however,  is  the  fact.  He  was  afterwards  honored  by  all 
nations,  and  the  European  powers  presented  him  wdth 
400,000  francs. 


The  Origin  of  Language — Early  Efforts  of  Man  to  Com- 
municate with  His  Fellows  — The  Progress  from 
Vagueness  to  Precision. 

pROFESSOK  Arel  belicves  the  early  Egyptian  language 
was  anciently  a language  of  homonyms,  confused  by  the 
use  of  one  sound  for  a multitude  of  things,  and  by  the  con- 
verse phenomenon  of  a great  variety  of  sounds,  all  signi- 
tying  the  same  thing.  These  imperfections  of  language 
Professor  Abel  identifies  with  what  he  terms  a literature  of 
pictures.  And  even  as  these  signs  and  symbols  were 
needed  to  piece  out  the  sense  of  written  words,  so  might 
it  well  be  supposed  that  gestures  must  have  accompanied 
lingual  speech. 

The  further  back  we  go  in  the  history  of  man,  the  more 
sensuous  must  have  been  the  subjects  of  his  discourse.  As 
ideas  became  familiar,  a selective  process  would  gradually 
have  fixed  the  meaning  of  words,  and  would  have  rejected 
hierogly})hic  aid.  Professor  Abel  shows,  by  way  of  illustra- 
tion, how  thirty-seven  words,  all  signifying  the  same  thing 
in  the  earliest  hieroglyphic  writing,  were  reduced  in  num- 
ber to  ten,  in  the  subsequent  Coptic  literature. 

The  same  devoloj)inent  from  vagueness  of  sound  to 
clearness  and  precision  he  considered  by  analogy  to  have 


32 


ORIGIN  OF 


been  probable  in  the  Aryan  and  Semitic  tongues,  and  in- 
deed in  all  forms  of  language  whatever.  The  rank  lux- 
uriance of  synonjuns  was  thinned  as  soon  as  the  systematic 
process  of  planting  began. 

Such  ascertained  phenomena  as  those  adduced,  in  regard 
to  the  most  ancient  of  now  decipherable  languages,  would, 
he  conceives,  negative  the  idea  that  speech  originated  in  air 
outburst  of  inspiration. 

He  shows,  also,  inversions  of  sound,  inversions  of  sense, 
and  inversions  both  of  sound  and  sense.  Among  words 
whose  meaning  w^as  exactly  inverted  in  ancient  Egyptian 
literature,  he  mentions  those  which  stand  antithetically  for 
strong  and  weak,  to  cut  to  pieces  and  to  unite,  to  take  and 
to  let  lie,  to  receive  and  to  give,  to  hold  fast  and  to  let  go. 
Yast  numbers  of  homophonic  words,  he  contends,  were  far 
from  fortuitous ; contrasts  and  antitheses  being  necessary 
to  the  understanding  of  all  things. 

The  school-boy,  in  a scientific  age,  must  know  what  one 
kind  of  angle  is-  before  he  can  define  another  kind.  In 
the  childhood  of  mankind,  there  was  doubtless  a mental 
wrestling  after  the  most  elementary  meanings.  A thing 
and  its  contrary,  had,  therefore,  a logical  connection  so 
close  that,  in  the  infancy  of  speech,  it  might  very  naturally 
find  expression  in  the  same  word,  slight  phonetic  differ- 
entiations distinguishing  between  the  several  meanings  of 
the  same  word. 

Contradictory  propositions,  compounded  of  two  oppo- 
sites, Professor  Abel  observes  to  be  frequent  not  only  in 
the  ancient  Egjq)tian  language,  but  in  modern  German  and 
English.  He  instances  notably  the  words  ‘‘without,’’ 
“withhold,”  “withstand”  and  “withdraw,”  observing 
how  opposed  each  was  to  the  sense  of  the  monosyllable 
word  “with.” 


FAMILIAR  TUiyGS. 


3J> 

Age  of  the  World- -Reade  Makes  it  Six  Hundred 
Millions  of  Years. 

Geologists,  astronomers  and  physicists  alike,  have  hith- 
erto been  baffled  in  their  attempts  to  set  up  any  satisfactory 
kind  of  chronometer  which  will  approximately  measure 
geological  time,  and  thus  give  us  some  clue  to  the  antiquity 
of  our  globe.  It  is  therefore  worth  noting,  that  Mr. 
Mellard  Reade,  of  Liverpool,  has  recently  contributed  to 
the  Royal  Society  a very  suggestive  paper,  in  which  he 
endeavors  to  grapple  with  the  question  by  employing  the 
limestone  rocks  of  the  eartlihs  crust  as  an  index  of  geo- 
logical time. 

Limestones  have  been  in  course  of  formation  from  the 
earliest  known  geological  periods,  but  it  would  appear  that 
the  later  found  strata  are  more  calcareous  than  the  earlier, 
and  that  there  has  in  fact  been  a gradually  progressive 
increase  of  calcareous  matter. 

The  very  extensive  deposition  of  carbonate  of  lime  over 
wide  areas  of  the  ocean-bottom  at  the  present  day,  is  suffi- 
ciently attested  by  the  recent  soundings  of  the  “Chal- 
lenger. ’ ’ According  to  the  author’ s estimate,  the  sed  iment- 
ary  crust  of  the  earth  is  at  least  one  mile  in  average  actual 
thickness,  of  which  probably  one-tenth  consists  of  calcare  - 
ous matter. 

In  seeking  the  origin  of  this  calcareous  matter,  it  is 
assumed  that  the  ])rimitive  rocks  of  the  original  crust  were 
of  the  nature  of  gigantic  or  basaltic  rocks.  By  the  disinte- 
gration of  such  rocks,  calcareous  and  other  sedimentary 
deposits  have  been  formed. 

The  amount  of  lime  salts  in  waters  which  drain  districts 
made  up  of  granites  and  basalts,  is  found,  by  a compar- 
ison of  analyses,  to  be  on  an  average  about  d.7d  parts  in 
100,000  ]>arts  of  water 

It  is  further  assumed,  tluit  the  excesed  areas  of  igneous 


34 


0 RIG IX  Ob' 


rocks,  taking  an  av^erage  throughout  all  geological  time, 
will  bear  to  the  exposures  of  sedimentary  rocks  a ratio  of 
about  one  to  nine.  From  these  and  other  data,  Mr.  Keade 
concludes  that  the  elimination  of  the  calcareous  matter 
now  found  in  all  the  sedimentary  strata  must  have  occupied 
at  least  600,000,000  of  years.  Tliis,  therefore,  represents 
the  minimum  age  of  the  world. 

The  author  infers,  that  the  formation  of  the  Laurentian, 
Cambrian  and  Silurian  strata  must  have  occupied  about 
300,000,000  of  years;  the  old  red  sandstone,  the  carbonif- 
erous, and  the  poikilitic  systems,  another  200,000,000; 
and  all  the  other  strata,  the  remaining  200,000,000.  Mr. 
Reade  is,  therefore,  led  to  believe,  that  geological  time  has 
been  enormously  in  excess  of  the  limits  urged  by  certain 
physicists ; that  it  has  been  ample  to  allow  for  all  the 
changes  which,  on  the  hypothesis  of  evolution,  liave  oc- 
curred in  the  organic  world. 


The  Rise  and  Progress  of  the  Finger-Bowl. 

The  history  of  dinner-table  etiquette,  as  far  as  the 
cleansing  of  the  fingers  goes,  has  caused  a great  deal  of 
discussion. 

Table  manners  and  table  equipage  have  been  derived 
from  the  French.  Strange  as  it  may  seem,  a great  many 
dinner  amenities  owe  their  origin  to  the  East.  Bibliophile 
Jacob  says  somewhere,  that  the  napkins  during  a repast 
were  possibly  brought  into  use  in  Europe  after  the  Cru- 
sades. ^ Oriental  habits  at  dinner,  where  the  Turk  of  the 
old  school  to-day,  having  no  knife  or  fork,  plunges  his 
fingers  in  the  pillau,  are  but  a continuation  of  customs  of 
the  times  of  Saladin. 

The  Oriental  is  excessively  clean  in  his  habits,  and 
between  the  fingering  of  the  viands  and  some  of  the  manij> 


8T) 


FAMILIAR  THINGS. 

Illations  of  a cook  with  his  dishes,  really  the  difference  is 
only  this — that  the  Turk  who  picks  out  a peculiar  nice 
titbit  to  offer  to  his  guest,  does  it  in  view  of  everyone, 
wdiile  the  cook’s  prior  actions  are  not  seen.  As  fountains 
were  ever  spurting  and  gurgling  in  Haroun-al-Kaschid’s 
banqueting  halls,  opportunities  to  cleanse  one’s  fingers  in 
the  flowing  waters  must  have  been  ever  at  hand.  Oriental 
people  retain  the  habit  of  hand  or  finger  washing  after  a 
dinner. 

The  method  is  not,  perliaps,  adapted  to  our  customs,  yet 
is  a very  sensible  one.  A servant,  after  the  repast,  makes 
the  round  of  the  table  (the  guests  are  seated  on  low  cush- 
ions on  the  floor),  holding  a copper  vessel,  provided  with  a 
very  long  but  narrow  spout.  In  the  other  hand  he  carries 
a wide,  deep  copper  basin.  A tiny  stream  of  water  is 
poured  over  the  fingers  of  each  guest  into  the  basin,  while 
another  servant  follows  with  a towel.  The  first  portion  of 
the  performance  is  proper  enough;  but  as  one  towel  usually 
serves  for  all  the  guests,  a kind  of  universal  sack  towel, 
delicate-minded  Europeans  rather  dislike  the  custom. 

It  is  not  necessary  to  go  further  back  and  refer  to  the 
Biblical  liabits  before  and  after  partaking  of  food.  As  to 
the  more  modern  custom,  Brillat  Saravin,  whose  book  on 
the  ^‘Physiologic  du  Gout”  was  written  in  the  early  part 
of  this  century,  inveighs  against  the  finger-bowls.  He 
says:  “It  was  about  forty  years  ago  that  some  ])oople  in 

good  society — they  were  most  always  women — commenced 
to  wash  out  their  inouths  {rincer  la  houche)  after  their 
meals.”  Brillat  Saravin  deprecates  the  custom,  and  calls 
it  useless,  indecent  and  disgusting,  rather  directing,  how- 
ever, his  criticism  against  the  mouth-rinsing  than  the 
finger-dipping. 


36 


ORIGIN  OF 


A Horseshoe  for  Luck,  with  Some  Lucky  Incidents. 

The  hokseshoe,  now  all  the  rage  as  an  ornament,  and  af- 
fected by  men  and  women  alike,  has  long  been  considered 
a token  of  good  luck,  especially  by  sailors.  Few  sailors 
would  start  on  a voyage  in  a ship  on  which  the  potency  of 
the  horseshoe  was  not  acknowledged. 

It  must  be  kept  at  some  conspicuous  place  as  a sign  of 
good  luck.  On  Western  steamboats,  not  a deck-hand  could 
be  induced  to  engage  himself  on  a steamer  that  did  not 
have  a partly-worn  horseshoe  nailed  over  the  companion- 
way  of  the  bow.  Yery  often  they  are  placed  near  the  fig- 
ure-head, at  the  stem  of  the  bow. 

How  long  this  superstition  has  prevailed,  it  would  be 
impossible  to  tell.  It  is  by  no  means  of  recent  origin. 
Horseshoes  and  conjurers  have  long  been  allies.  To  find 
a whole  horseshoe  in  the  road,  that  has  been  cast  from  the 
animal  and  still  retains  five  of  the  nails  in  it,  is  considered 
a remarkable  token  of  good  luck.  But  should  anyone 
find  a horseshoe  with  all  the  nails  in  it,  he  may  consider 
himself  endowed  with  wonderful  powers  of  magic. 

This  conceit,  no  doubt,  had  its  origin  in  the  fact,  that  it  is 
almost  impossible  for  a horse  to  cast  a shoe  while  all  the 
nails  are  intact. 

There  lived  a man  in  Shenandoah  County,  Virginia,  who- 
claimed  to  have  found  such  a horseshoe.  His  name  was 
Conrad  Gerst.  He  was  a German  with  little  education, 
but  was  considerable  of  a knave.  He  professed  to  be 
able  to  work  wonders,  and  was  believed  by  many  people 
to  possess  certain  powerful  conjuring  powers.  Gerst  was 
a shoemaker,  and  very  poor,  for  he  was  too  lazy  to  work, 
and  had  a large  family  of  children.  He  could  heal  the 
sick,  recover  stolen  articles,  cure  diseased  cattle,  find  un- 
derground streams  of  running  water,  make  the  butter  come 
for  the  dairy  women,  and  drive  ofif  witches.  A woman 


FAMILIAR  THINGS. 


B7 


churned  all  day  over  a churning  of  cream,  but  the  butter 
would  not  come.  She  sent  for  Gerst.  He  told  her  to  get 
an  old  horseshoe,  heat  it  red  hot  and  cast  it  into  the 
churn.  Then,  after  cleansing  the  churn  with  boiling  water, 
he  guaranteed  that  the  butter  would  come  at  the  next 
effort;  and  more,  if  the  woman  would  inquire  carefully 
among  her  neighbors,  she  would  discover  that  some  one  of 
them  (an  enemy)  would  have  a severe  burn  on  some  part 
of  her  body.  There  were  plenty  of  people  who  believed 
in  this. 

Another  case : A widow  lady,  living  two  miles  from 

Gerst,  had  a sum  of  money  stolen  from  her.  Instead  of 
giving  the  matter  into  the  hands  of  the  authorities,  she 
sent  for  Gerst.  He  inquired  into  the  affair,  and  after  per- 
forming a number  of  incantations  with  a stick  that  he  car- 
ried, and  placing  his  horseshoe  in  the  fire  and  cooling  it  in 
the  spring,  he  announced  confidently,  that  on  the  morning 
of  the  second  day  thereafter,  the  money  would  be  found  at 
a certain  place,  with  some  other  valuables  that  had  been 
lost.  This  conclusion  of  the  conjurer  was  widely  circu- 
lated, and,  on  the  morning  indicated,  quite  a number  of 
people  assembled  at  the  widow’s  house,  to  see  the  predic- 
tion verified.  The  money  was  found  at  tlie  place  indi- 
cated. The  solution  was,  that  the  thief,  whoever  he  was, 
believed  in  Gerst’ s pretended  ])Ower,  and  returned  the 
money  out  of  fear. 

The  superstition  that  imputes  such  virtues  to  the  horse- 
shoe, gave  birth  to  the  prevailing  idea  that  makes  it  an  em- 
blem of  good  luck. 


Origin  of  the  Water-melon. --An  Old  Anecdote. 
The  melon  was  well  known  to  the  ancients,  as  Pliny 
speaks  of  it  as  a great  favorite  in  liis  day.  It  was  thought 
by  the  ancients  to  be  a modification  of,  and  a great  iin- 


38 


ORIGIN  OF 


provement  on,  the  cucumber.  Some  asserted  that  it  was 
easy  of  digestion ; others,  the  contrary.  But  all  agreed 
that  it  did  not  afford  much  nourishment.  The  cantaloupe 
was  thus  named  from  being  cultivated  at  Canteliipo,  a 
country  house  of  tile  Popes,  a few  leagues  from  Rome. 
Its  introduction  is  thought  to  date  back  to  1495,  on  the  re- 
turn of  the  expedition  of  Charles  YIII.  to  Italy. 

There  is  a little  melon  anecdote,  as  follows : The  Sultan 

Amurath  had  a passion  for  melons,  and  one  day  the  finest  one 
in  his  garden,  with  which  he  was  to  begin  his  evening  meal, 
was  missing.  The  pages  alone  had  access  to  the  garden  ; 
so  Amurath  summoned  them  all,  and  they  pleaded  not 
guilty.  The  angry  Sultan  then  took  a decided  step.  He 
ordered  all  the  pages  to  lie  down  in  a row,  and  commanded 
his  executioner  to  open  the  stomach  of  each  one  in  turn, 
till  he  arrived  at  the  culprit,  who  proved  to  be  the  fifteenth 
one,  in  whom  the  seeds  of  the  melon  were  discovered.  Jt 
may  be  imagined  that  his  days  were  summarily  ended,  as 
well  as  those  of  the  fourteen  who  had  preceded  him. 


Shaving— Development  of  the  Razor  from  a Mollusk— 
Rise  of  the  Barber  Shop. 

The  idea  that  shaving  is  a duty— ceremonial,  as  among 

the  Egj^ptian  priests,  or  social  merely,  as  among  ourselves 

is  older  than  the  invention  of  steel  or  even  of  bronze  razors 
Nothing  is  more  remarkable  in  savage  life  than  the  resolu- 
tion of  the  braves  who  shave  with  a shell  or  with  a broken 
piece  of  glass,  left  by  European  mariners.  A warrior  will 
throw  himself  on  the  ground,  and  while  one  friend  holds 
his  arms  and  prevents  him  from  struggling,  another  will 
scrape  his  chin  with  the  shell  or  the  broken  bottle-glass, 
till  he  rises,  bleeding  but  beardless. 

Macaulay,  it  seems,  must  have  shaved  almost  as  badly 
with  the  razor  of  modern  life.  When  he  went  to  a barber. 


FAMILIAR  THINGS. 


39 


and,  after  an  easy  shave,  asked  what  he  owed,  the  fellow 
replied : 

‘‘Just  what  you  generally  give  the  man  who  shaves  you, 
sir.” 

“ I generally  give  him  two  cuts  on  each  cheek,”  said 
the  historian  of  England. 

Shaving  requires  a combination  of  qualities  which  rarely 
meet  in  one  amateur.  You  should  have  plenty  of  razors, 
unlike  a Prussian  Ambassador  of  the  stingy  Frederick. 
This  Ambassador,  according  to  Yoltaire,  cut  his  throat 
witii  the  only  razor  he  possessed. 

The  chin  of  that  diplomatist  must  have  been  unworthy 
alike  of  the  court  to  which  he  was  accredited,  and  of  that 
from  which  he  came.  The  exquisite  shaver  who  would 
face  the  world  with  a smooth  chin,  requires  many  razors, 
many  strops,  many  brushes,  odd  soaps,  a light  steady 
hand,  and,  perhaps,  a certain  gayety  of  temper  which 
prevents  edged  weapons  from  offering  unholy  temptations. 
Perhaps  the  shaver  is  born,  not  made,  like  the  poet;  cer- 
tainly many  men  are  born  with  an  inability  to  shave. 
Hence  comes  the  need  of  the  kindl}^  race  of  barbers,  a race 
dear  to  literature.  Their  shops  were  the  earliest  Clubs, 
their  conversation  was  all  the  ancient  world  knew  in  the 
way  of  society  journals.  Horace,  George  Eliot,  Beaumar- 
chais, Cervantes  and  Scott,  have  ay)preciated  the  barber, 
and  celebrated  his  characteristics.  If  the  wearing  of  tlie 
beard  ever  became  universal,  the  world,  and  especially  tlie 
Spanish  and  Italian  world,  would  sadly  miss  the  barber 
and  the  barber’s  shop.  The  energy  of  the  British  charac- 
ter, their  zeal,  their  individual  euter])rise,  make  them  a 
self-shaving  race;  the  laitin  |)eople8  are  economical,  but 
they  do  not  grudge  ])aying  for  a?i  easy  shave.  Americjuis 
in  this  matter  are  more  Continental  than  English  in  their 
taste.  Was  it  not  in  Marseilh's  that  his  friends  induced 


40 


ORIGIN  OF 


Mark  Twain  to  oe  shaved  by  a barber  worthy  of  the 
bottle-glass  or  sea-shell  stage  of  his  profession?  They 
pretended  that  his  performances  were  equal  to  those  of 
the  barber  on  board  the  ship  that  brought  them  from 
America. 


The  Story  of  a Great  Discovery. 

There  is  living  at  Catasauqua,  Pa.,  in  a hearty  old  age, 
the  man  who  discovered  how  to  use  anthracite  coal  in  the 
manufacture  of  iron.  His  name  is  David  Thomas,  and  the 
story  of  his  discovery  he  thus  narrates:  ‘‘One  winter 

night  in  the  old  country,  I sat  with  Mr.  Crane,  a brother 
superintendent  of  a blast  furnace,  over  a grate  lire  of  hard 
coal.  We  had  talked  of  the  recent  invention  of  the  hot 
blast,  just  patented  by  Mr.  Neilson,  a Scotchman,  and  our 
conversation  had  carried  us  pretty  well  along  into  the 
evening.  The  fire  had  burned  low,  and  we  were  about  to 
separate,  when  I picked  up  the  bellows  and  began  to 
blow  it. 

‘“You  will  put  that  fire  out,’  said  Mr.  Crane. 

“Ashe  spoke,  it  Hashed  over  me  that  if  my  bellows  gave 
a hot  blast,  it  would  bring  the  grateful  of  coal  to  a bright 
glow,  and,  with  the  thought,  there  came  like  an  inspiration 
upon  me,  that  the  hot-blast  was  all  that  was  needed  to 
utilize  the  rich  beds  of  anthracite  under  our  feet  for  mak- 
ing iron.  I dropped  the  bellows  and  gave  utterance  to  my 
thoughts. 

“ Mr.  Crane  smiled,  then  grew  attentive,  and,  as  I went 
on  thinking  out  my  theory,  as  I spoke  he  became  inter- 
ested. When  I concluded,  we  grasped  hands  over  the 
dead  coals  of  our  anthracite  fire,  and  separated. 

“ Little  sleep  we  got  that  night.  To  me  it  was  one  of 
restless  anxiety.  When  I read  an  account  of  the  night  be- 


FAMILIAR  THINGS 


41 


ofre  the  execution  of  a condemned  man,  I always  think  ot 
my  night  with  my  new  idea. 

“ The  next  day  I posted  up  to  Scotland,  and  on  my  return 
I brought  with  me  the  plans  of  a hot-blast  furnace,  which 
we  at  once  proceeded  to  build  for  the  purpose  of  making 
iron  with  anthracite  coal.  It  was  a great  success,  and  at- 
tracted capital  to  the  development  of  the  anthracite  coal 
beds  of  Wales,  and  the  attention  of  the  scientific  world. 
Before  that,  for  our  furnaces  we  had  bought  coke  from  the 
distant  bituminous  coal  fields,  thereby  increasing  the  cost 
of  our  product  over  establishments  more  favorably  situ- 
ated. The  very  hills  underneath  our  feet  were  filled  with 
rich  deposits  of  anthracite,  and  the  discovery  of  means  to 
utilize  it  was  like  a mine  of  gold  to  the  country  around. 
Our  experiment  was  a success. 

“Of  course  the  scientific  discussion  carried  on  in  the 
papers  in  that  country  provoked  attention  in  America,  and 
the  few  scientific  journals  published  here  took  up  the  mat- 
ter, and  thereby  the  iron-workers  of  this  region  came  to 
know  of  its  great  value.  They  were  then  using  charcoal 
and  coke.  At  once  they  set  to  work  on  my  plan.  It  re- 
sulted in  great  losses  to  the  capital  invested  and  many 
cases  of  financial  failure  and  bankruptcy. 

“The  Lehigh  Coal  & Navigation  Company  watched 
these  experiments  with  ardent  hope  of  success,  for  they 
saw  what  a great  advantage  to  them  must  result  in  carry- 
ing to  perfection  in  this  country  what  we  had  perfected  in 
Wales.  They  waited  and  hoped  in  vain,  and  finally  con- 
cluded to  send  for  Mr.  Crane  or  me.  Tlieir  representa- 
tive visited  me,  in  the  person  of  Erskine  Hazard,  of  Phila- 
delphia. I had  often  thought  of  coming  to  America,  and 
my  wife  was  strongly  in  favor  of  it;  so  we  received  Mr. 
Hazard’s  proposition  with  favor.  Terms  were  fixed  upon  • 
at  was  arranged  that  my  expenses  out  were  to  bo  paid,  and 


42 


ORIGIN  OF 


that  if  I did  not  wish  to  stay  after  five  years,  I was  to  be  sent 
back  wdth  iny  family  at  their  expense.  1 arrived  here  early 
in  the  fall  of  1839,  and,  Oatasauqua  being  selected  as  the 
place  to  build  the  first  furnace,  I at  once  set  to  work.  The 
population,  which  at  that  time  was  only  that  of  a hamlet, 
was  composed  entirely  of  Germans,  and  my  greatest  diffi- 
culty was  to  get  skilled  labor.  I picked  up  an  old  country- 
man here  and  there,  and  on  the  Fourth  of  July,  1840,  I 
started  the  first  blast,  and  on  that  day  made  the  first 
iron.  There  is  the  furnace,  sir,  just  below  my  house.  It 
was  in  blast  ever  since  until  within  a few  days.  The  suc- 
cess was  so  complete,  as  shown  by  the  work  turned  out 
during  the  following  six  or  eight  months,  that  another  was 
started,  which  I built  in  1842.  I built  the  third  in  1846, 
and  the  fourth  and  fifth  in  1849.  For  forty  years  we  have 
averaged  40,000  tons  of  iron  a year  from  these  furnaces,  or 
1,600,000  tons  in  the  aggregate.  Then  furnaces  sprang  up 
all  over  the  anthracite  region.  The  way  to  utilize  the  hard 
coal  in  the  manufacture  of  iron  was  the  only  thing  needed 
to  completely  develop  the  great  mineral  wealth  of  the 
country,  and,  this  fact  being  recognized,  there  was  no  lack 
of  money  to  take  the  preliminary  steps.” 


Origin  of  the  Names  of  the  Months. 

The  oRiGiiN'  of  the  names  of  the  months  of  the  year  is  as 
follows : 

January  is  so  called  from  Janus,  a heathen  god,  who 
presided  over  the  gates  of  heaven.  He  has  two  faces,  one 
looking  to  the  old  year,  the  other  toward  the  new,  lie 
was  the  first  king  of  Italy,  and  Romans  used  to  give  the 
doors  in  their  houses  the  name  of  Janua 

February  is  derived  from  F ebruo,  to  purify,  because  the 
feasts  of  purification  were  celebrated  at  this  season.  The 


FAMILIAR  THINGS. 


Romans  oifered  sacrifices  to  their  goddess  Februo  for  the 
spirits  of  departed  friends. 

March  was  original] y the  first  month  in  the  Roman  year, 
and  was  dedicated  to  Mars,  the  god  of  war. 

April  is  so  called  from  aperio^  which  signifies  to  open, 
because  nature  now  begins  to  expand  its  beauties. 

May  was  so  named  by  Romulus,  the  founder  of  Rome, 
in  honor  of  Maia,  the  mother  of  Mercury. 

June  was  named  by  the  Romans  in  honor  of  Mercury, 
who  was  represented  as  a juvenile  figure,  to  which  they 
applied  the  vrord  Junius. 

July  was  called  by  the  Romans,  Quintilis,  being  the  fifth 
month  of  their  year,  but  was  changed  to  Julius,  in  honor 
of  Julius  Caesar. 

August  was  called  by  the  Romans,  Sextis,  or  sixth 
month  from  March;  but  in  honor  of  Augustus  Caesar, 
second  emperor,  was  changed  to  August. 

September  was  derived  from  Septem,  the  seventh  month 
of  the  Roman  year,  and  imher^  which  means  a shower. 

October  was  the  eighth  month  of  the  Roman  year. 

Noremher  is  derived  from  novem  and  imber.,  or  the  iiintli 
month  of  the  Roman  year. 

December  is  from  decein.,  the  tenth  month  of  the  Roman 
year. 


Origin  of  “ Hurrah.” 

This  familiar  word  is  pure  Slavonian,  and  is  commonly 
heard  from  the  coast  of  Dalmatia  to  Behring’s  Straits, 
when  any  of  the  population  within  these  limits  are  called 
on  to  give  proof  of  courage,  approbation  and  valor.  The 
origin  of  the  word  belongs  to  the  ])riniitive  idea  that  every 
man  that  dies  heroically  for  his  (tountry,  goes  straight  to 
heaven — lJurray  (to  Paradise),  and  in  the  shock  and  ardor 


44 


ORIGIN  OF 


of  battle  the  combatants  utter  that  cry  {Hu-ray)  as  the 
Turks  do  that  of  “Allah,”  each  animating  himself,  by  the 
cerlitude  of  immediate  recompense,  to  forget  earth  and  to 
■contemn  death. 


Origin  of  Newspapers. 

The  newspaper  was  long  stated  to  have  originated  in 
Venice,  in  1563,  and  to  have  been  called  Gazetta^  whence 
our  name  Gazette.  This  was,  however,  an  error  ; for  the 
Venetian  newspaper  was  a written  sheet,  for  hearing 
which  read,  each  person  paid  a gazetta,  a small  coin  no 
longer  in  use.  The  paper  was,  in  fact,  called  “A  particu- 
lar Eelation,”  a title  borne  by  many  English  newspapers 
of  the  seventeenth  century. 


“ Money.” 

The  Roman  coin  issued  by  Serrius  Tullius  bore  the  image 
of  a sheep  (jpecus)^  and  was  thence  called  jpecunia^  the 
term  subsequently  applied  to  money  in  general.  This  is 
one  story. 

The  first  silver  money  was  coined  at  Rome,  A.  U.  C.  482 ; 
the  mint  was  in  the  Temple  of  Juno  Mon  eta,  and  this  cir- 
cumstance occasioned  the  origin  of  our  word  “money.” 


Origin  of  “ Uncle  Sam.” 

Immediately  after  the  last  declaration  of  war  with  Eng- 
land, Elbert  Anderson,  of  New  York,  then  a contractor, 
visited  Troy,  where  he  purchased  a large  quantity  of  pro- 
visions. The  inspectors  of  these  articles  at  that  place  were 
Ebenezer  and  Samuel  Wilson.  The  latter  gentleman  (who 
was  universally  known  as  “ Uncle  Sam  ”)  generally  super- 


FAMILIAR  THINGS. 


45 


intended  in  person  a large  number  of  workmen,  who,  on 
this  occasion,  were  employed  in  overhauling  the  provisions 
purchased  by  the  contractor.  The  casks  were  marked  ‘‘E. 
A. — TI.  S.”  This  work  fell  to  the  lot  of  a facetious  fellow, 
who,  on  being  asked  the  meaning  of  the  mark,  said  he  did 
not  know  unless  it  meant  Elbert  Anderson  and  Uncle  Sam, 
alluding  exclusively,  then,  to  the  said  Uncle  Sam  Wilson. 
The  joke  “took,”  and  soon  became  very  current. 


Visiting  Cards. 

Visiting  cards  have  currency  throughout  the  civilized 
world ; they  are  a modern  invention,  and,  like  all  truly 
good  things,  they  have  a tendency  to  be  simple. 

Visiting  cards  originated  with  the  Chinese,  and  there 
are  those  who  maintain  that  the  Chinese  are  the  politest 
people  on  earth. 

In  China,  rank  is  expressed  by  the  size  of  the  visiting 
card.  When  McCartney  had  occasion  to  visit  Peking  as 
the  representative  of  the  British  Government,  a number 
of  servants  carried  a big  bundle  into  his  reception-room, 
which,  when  unrolled,  covered  nearly  the  whole  floor  of 
the  large  chamber ; it  was  the  visiting  card  of  the  Chi- 
nese Emperor. 

The  people  of  Europe  adopted  visiting  cards  a little  over 
a hundred  years  ago,  when  the  influence  of  Chinese  fasli- 
ions  was  greater  than  it  is  now.  In  America,  the  general 
use  of  visiting  cards  is  of  recent  origin,  and  many  of  our 
most  renowned  patriots  never  had  any ; or  tliey  used  tlie 
backs  of  playing  cards,  or  whatever  else  came  to  hand. 

During  the  era  preceding  the  French  revolution,  all  gen- 
tlemen of  education  tried  to  bo  gallants,  and  all  ladies 
tried  to  be  reigning  belles.  In  making  (;alls,  they  had  1<> 
inscribe  their  names  in  a book  ke])t  for  that  ])ur])ose  l)y 


46 


ORIGIN  OF 


porters.  This  was  inconvenient  for  many  reasons.  The 
pejple  dressed  for  a call  found  it  inconvenient  to  write, 
and  the  French  ladies  in  particular,  wrote  more  or  less 
badly.  The  wicked  world  protests  to  this  day,  that  many 
great  ladies  do  not  write  very  elegantly  or  very  correctly 
— that  is  to  say,  French  ladies.  A printed  or  engraved 
card  was  an  admirable  substitute,  and  the  fashion  of  Paris 
soon  spread  over  the  world. 

The  earliest  visiting  cards  of  France  were  done  up  in  the 
rococo  style,  and  contained  full  announcements,  such  as 
“the  visit  of  the  Countess  Wonderful,'’  or  “the  Marquis 
of  Emerald  has  the  honor  to  wish  you  a happy  New  Year.  ” 
These  early  fashions  were  superseded  by  the  classicists. 
They  represented  a wandei’er  among  the  ruins  of  Athens, 
deciphering  an  inscription  which  represented  the  name  of 
the  caller.  The  visiting  cards  of  Louis  XYI.  were  adorned 
with  flowers  and  birds.  The  artists  excelled  in  adorning 
their  cards,  and  ladies  usually  saturated  them  with  their 
favorite  perfume.  Under  the  First  Empire,  all  cards  were 
plain  or  ornamented  with  some  allegorical  allusion  to 
Greece  or  Rome.  The  restoration  introduced  little  orna- 
ments in  pink,  sepia,  or  many-colored  edges.  'Under  Louis 
Philippe,  heavy  bristol-board  cards  of  good  sizes  bore  the 
caller’s  name  in  a very  delicate  form — to  indicate  the 
modesty  of  the  great.  It  was  then  customary  to  have 
small  cards  with  very  great  names,  and,  in  the  early  days  of 
photography,  some  people  had  their  cards  embellished  with 
their  portrait. 

More  recently,  and  especially  in  this  country,  all  visiting 
cards  are  rather  plain,  and  they  are  very  much  alike.  As 
a rule,  engraved  cards  are  preferred,  and  the  tendency  is 
to  leave  off  as  much  as  possible,  exceyit  the  name.  People 
of  standing  think  it  below  their  dignity  to  add  their  rank 
or  their  address,  taking  it  for  granted  that  these  matters 


FAMILIAR  THINGS. 


47 


are  generally  known  or  easily  learned  from  directories.  In 
leaving  cards,  they  avoid  additional  messages  or  signs,  the 
card  itself  being  supposed  to  tell  its  tale,  and,  if  left  by 
the  owner  in  person,  to  confer  honor  enough  for  one  day. 
Servants  are  not  allowed  to  fold  cards,  as  a felded  card  is 
supposed  to  come  directly  from  the  person  whose  name  it 
bears.  There  has  of  late  been  a tendency  to  add  orna- 
ments to  cards,  also  titles  or  crowns,  and  gentlemen  of 
reputation  like  to  add  ‘‘Mr.,”  as  a mark  of  special  modesty. 
But  the  simpler  a card  is,  the  better  it  answers  its  purpose, 
which  is  no  other  than  to  take  the  place  of  the  person 
itself  on  occasions  where  the  reception  of  the  owner  would 
be  inconvenient  on  either  side,  or  a useless  ceremony. 


“ Hymen.” 

Danchet,  the  French  poet,  tells  us  that  Hymen  was  a 
young  man  of  Athens,  obscurely  born  but  extremely 
handsome.  Falling  in  love  with  a lady  of  rank,  on  a 
certain  occasion,  when  promenading  the  seashore,  both 
were  captured  by  pirates  and  taken  to  a distant  island, 
where  the  pirates  became  drunk  for  joy  and  fell  asleep. 
Under  the  circumstances.  Hymen  managed  to  slay  the 
sleeping  robbers  and  escape  with  his  lady  to  Athens, 
where  he  told  his  adventures,  and  demanded  his  beloved 
in  marriage  as  her  ransom.  His  request  was  granted ; 
and  so  fortunate  was  the  marriage,  that  the  name  of  Hy- 
men was  ever  after  invoked  on  all  future  nuptials  ; and  in 
progress  of  time,  the  Greeks  enrolled  him  among  the  gods. 


Derivation  of  “ Cash.” 

Tiieke  can  be  but  little  doubt  that  the  word  “cash”  is 
derived  from  the  Italian  casna^  the  chest  in  whicli  Italian 


48 


ORIGIN  OF 


merchants  kept  their  monej",  as  do  at  the  present  time  the 
Spaniards  in  their  caja^  and  the  Portuguese  in  their  caxa^ 
and  the  French  in  their  caisse.  Tlie  application  of  the 
word  ‘‘cash”  to  money  is  altogether  English,  it  not  hav- 
ing a corresponding  term  in  any  other  European  language. 
It  has  been  suggested,  that  entries  in  the  cash  book  might 
be  improved  by  writing  “Chest  Dr.”  and  “Chest  Cr.”, 
for,  after  all,  it  is  the  “Chest”  account. 


Origin  of  Familiar  Sayings. 

Many  of  our  common  sayings,  so  trite  and  pithy,  are 
used  without  the  least  idea  from  whose  mouth  or  pen  they 
first  originated.  Probably  the  works  of  Shakespeare  fur- 
nish us  with  more  of  these  fiimiliar  maxims  than  any  other 
writer,  for  to  him  we  owe : “ All  is  not  gol d that  glitters,  ’ ’ 

“Make  a virtue  of  necessity,”  “ Screw  your  courage  to  a 
sticking-place ” (not  point),  “They  laugh  that  win,” 
“This  is  the  short  and  long  of  it,”  “Comparisons  are 
odious,”  “As  merry  as  the  day  is  long,”  “A  Daniel 
came  to  judgment,”  “Frailty,  thy  name  is  Woman,” 
and  hosts  of  others. 

Washington  Irving  gives  us  “The  almighty  dollar.” 
Thomas  Norton  queried  long  ago,  “What  will  Mrs. 
Grundy  say?”  while  Goldsmith  answers,  “Ask  me  no- 
questions and  I’ll  tell  you  no  fibs.”  Charles  C.  Pinckney, 
“Millions  for  defense,  but  not  one  cent  for  tribute.” 
“First  in  war,  first  in  peace,  and  first  in  the  hearts  of  his 
fellow-citizens”  (not  countrymen),  appeared  in  the  resolu. 
tions  presented  to  the  House  of  Representatives  in  Decem- 
'ber,  1790,  prepared  by  General  Henry  Lee. 

From  the  same  we  cull,  “Make  assurance  doubly  sure,” 
“Christmas  comes  but  once  a year,”  “Count  their  chick- 
ens ere  they  are  hatched,”  and  “Look  before  you  leap.” 


FAMILIAR  THINGS. 


49 


Thomas  Tassar,  a writer  of  the  sixteenth  century,  gives 
us,  “It’s  an  ill  wind  turns  no  good,”  “Better  late  than 
never,”  “Look  ere  thou  leap,”  and  “The  stone  that  is 
rolling  can  gather  no  moss.”  “All  cry  and  no  wool,”  is 
found  in  Butler’s  “Iludibras.” 

Dryden  says:  “Hone  but  the  brave  deserve  the  fair,” 
“Men  are  but  children  of  a larger  growth,”  “Through 
thick  and  thin.” 

“Ho  pent-up  TJtica  contracts  our  power,”  declared 
Jonathan  Sewell. 

“When  Greeks  join  Greeks  then  was  the  tug  of  war,’’ 
Hathaniel  Lee,  1692. 

“Of  two  evils,  I have  chosen  the  least,”  and  “The  end 
must  justify  the  means,”  are  from  Matthew  Pryor.  We 
are  indebted  to  Colley  Cibber  for  the  agreeable  intelli- 
gence that  “Ki chard  is  himself  again.”  Johnson  tells  us 
of  “A  good  hater,”  and  Macintosh  in  1791,  the  phrase 
often  attributed  to  John  Randolph,  “Wise  and  masterly 
inactivity.” 

“Variety’s  the  spice  of  life,”  and  “ Hot  much  the  worse 
for  wear,”  Cowper.  “Man  proposes,  but  God  disposes,’’ 
Thomas  a Kempis. 

Christopher  Marlowe  gave  forth  the  invitation  so  often 
repeated  by  his  brothers  in  a less  public  way,  “Love  me 
little,  love  me  long.”  Edward  Cooke  was  of  tlie  opinion 
that  “A  man’s  house  is  his  castle.”  To  Milton  we  owe 
“The  paradise  of  fools,”  “A  wilderness  of  sweets,”  and 
“Moping  melancholy  and  moonstruck  madness.” 

Edward  Young  tells  us  “Death  loves  a shining  mark;” 
“A  fool  at  forty,  is  a fool  indeed;”  but,  alas,  for  his 
knowledge  of  human  nature,  when  lie  tells  us  “Man  wants 
but  litth?,  nor  wants  that  little  long.” 

From  Bacon,  comes  “Knowledge  is  ])Ower,”  and 
Thomas  Southferne  reminds  us  that  “ Pity’s  akin  to  love.” 


60 


ORIGIN  OF 


Dean  Swift  thought,  that  ‘‘Bread  is  the  stafi*  of  life.” 
Campbell  found  that  “Coming  events  cast  their  shadows 
before,”  and  “ ’Tis  distance  lends  enchantment  to  the 
view.”  “A  thing  of  beauty  is  a joy  forever,”  is  from 
Keats.  Franklin  said,  “God  helps  them  who  help  them- 
selves,” and  Lawrence  Sterne  comforts  us  with  the 
thought,  “God  tempers  the  wind  to  the  shorn  lamb.” 

Even  some  of  the  “slang”  phrases  of  the  day  have  a 
legitimate  origin.  “Putting  your  foot  in  it,”  is  certainly 
not  a very  elegant  mode  of  expression,  but  according  to 
the  “Asiatic  Researches,”  it  is  quite  a fine  point  of  law; 
when  the  title  to  land  is  disputed  in  Ilindostan,  two  holes 
are  dug  in  the  ground,  and  used  to  incase  a limb  of  each 
layWer  (?),  and  the  one  who  tired  first,  lost  his  client’s 
case.  Fancy,  if  you  can,  some  of  our  famous  “limbs  of 
the  law”  pleading  in  such  a manner!  It  is  generally  the 
client  who  “puts  his  foot  in  it.” 

When  things  are  in  disorder,  they  are  often  said  to  be 
turned  “topsy  turvy”;  this  expression  is  derived  from  the 
way  in  which  turf  used  for  fuel  is  placed  to  dry,  the  turf 
being  turned  downward ; and  the  expression  then  means 
topside  turfway. 

Plutarch,  in  his  life  of  Argesileus,  King  of  Sparta,  gives 
us  the  origin  of  a quaint  and  familiar  expression : 

On  a certain  occasion,  an  ambassador  from  Epirus,  on  a 
diplomatic  mission,  was  shown  by  the  King  over  his  capi- 
tal. The  ambassador  knew  of  the  monarch’s  fame — knew 
him  that,  though  only  nominal  King  of  Sparta,  he  was  yet 
ruler  of  Greece — and  he  had  looked  to  see  massive  walls 
rearing  aloft  their  embattled  towers  for  the  defense  of  the 
town ; but  he  found  nothing  of  the  kind.  He  marveled 
much  at 'this,  and  spoke  of  it  to  the  King. 

“Sire,”  he  said,  I have  visited  most  of  the  principal 


FAMILIAR  THINGS. 


51 


towns,  and  I find  no  walls  reared  for  defense.  Why  is 
this  ? 

“Indeed,  Sir  Ambassador,”  replied  Angesileus,  “thou 
canst  not  have  looked  carefully.  Come  with  me  to-morrow 
morning  and  I will  show  you  the  walls  of  Sparta.” 

Accordingly,  on  the  following  morning,  the  King  led  his 
guest  out  upon  the  plains  where  his  army  was  drawn  up  in 
full  battle  array,  and  pointing  proudly  to  the  serried  hosts, 
he  said: 

“There,  thou  beholdest  the  walls  of  Sparta — ten  thou- 
sand men,  and  every  man  a brick ! 


“ Pipe-Laying.” 

This  term  originated  from  an  accusation  brought  against 
prominent  members  of  the  Whig  party  of  Kew  York,  of 
being  engaged  in  a gigantic  sciierne  to  bring  voters  thither 
from  Philadelphia,  who,  it  was  said,  to  better  conceal  the 
plan,  were  designated  as  ‘‘pipe-layers,”  the  work  of  laying 
down  pipe  for  the  Croton  water  being  at  that  time  in  prog- 
ress. 


“ Yankee  ” — “ Yankee  Doodle.” 

The  word  Yankee  is  believed  to  liave  been  derived 
from  the  manner  in  which  the  Indians  endeavored  to  pro- 
nounce the  word  English,  which  they  rendered  “Yeng- 
liees,”  whence  the  word  Yankee.  In  a letter  of  the  Rev. 
Williairi  Gordon,  published  in  tlu;  Penna  Gazette.,  May 
10th,  1775,  giving  an  account  of  the  skirmishes  at  Concord 
and  Lexington,  he  says:  They  (the  British  troo])s)  were 

roughly  handled  by  the  Yankees,  a term  of  reproach  for 
the  Now  Englanders,  when  applied  by  the  regulars.” 


52 


ORIGIN  OF 


Soon  after,  a privateer  was  fitted  out  by  the  citizens  of 
Newbury,  which  they  called  the  ‘‘Yankee  Herd.” 

In  a curious  book  on  the  Round  Towers  of  Ireland,  the 
origin  of  the  term  Yankee  Doodle  was  traced  to  the 
Persian  phrase  “ Yanke-dooniah,”  or  inhabitants  of  the 
New  World.  Layard,  in  his  book  on  “Nineveh  and  its 
Remains,”  also  mentions  “ Yanghi-dunia”  as  the  Persian 
name  of  America. 


The  origin  of  the  phrase  “eating  crow”  is  based  upon 
a story  told  a quarter  of  a century  since  in  the  Knicker- 
bocker  Magazine^  and  is  as  follows : An  old  farmer,  who 

lived  somewhere  on  the  Hudson,  below  Albany,  was  in 
the  habit  of  taking  in  a few  summer  boarders  to  eke  out 
the  earnings  of  the  farm. 

Like  most  farmers  who  take  summer  boarders  and  have 
at  the  same  time  a convenient  market  for  their  produce, 
this  thrifty  successor  of  the  Knickerbockers  was  accus- 
tomed to  send  all  the  best  products  of  his  farm  and  gar- 
den, and  the  choicest  butter  from  his  dairy,  to  market, 
often  returning  from  town  with  inferior  articles  which  he 
had  purchased  at  a greatly  reduced  price,  safely  hidden 
away  in  his  wagon  box,  to  be  smuggled  into  the  kitchen 
and  palmed  off  upon  the  confiding  boarders  as  home-grown 
products.  Finally  some  of  the  boarders  began  to  grumble. 

They  had  boarded  in  the  country  before,  and  knew  what 
fresh  vegetables  and  berries,  new-laid  eggs  and  “grass" 
butter  were,  and  they  were  conscious  of  the  fact  that  they 
were  not  getting  what  they  were  entitled  to. 

To  all  their  complaints  the  farmer  returned  answer,  that 
they  were  entirely  “too  pertickeler,  ” that  it  was  foolish 


Eating  Crow, 


FAMILIAR  THINGS. 


5g 


anci  sinful  to  pamper  one's  appetite;  that  ordinary  food 
was  best  in  the  long  run,  and  winding  up  invariably  with 
the  remark:  “I  kin  eat  anything;  I kin  eat  a crow.” 

This  last  remark  was  re])eated  so  often  that  it  made  an  im- 
pression on  one  of  the  boarders,  who,  being  out  shooting 
•one  day,  and  having  popped  over  a crow,  determined  to 
put  the  gastronomic  abilities  of  his  host  to  the  test.  He 
carried  the  bird  home,  had  the  cook  dress  it,  and  gave  her 
instructions  to  cook  it  for  dinner.  Then,  fearful  that  the 
hardy  farmer  might  have  stomach  even  for  such  a disli, 
and  so  make  good  his  boast,  he  slipped  into  the  kitchen 
while  the  bird  was  cooking,  and  seasoned  it  liberally  with 
Scotch  snuff.  In  time  the  dish  was  sent  to  the  table,  and 
the  boarder  placed  it  before  the  host,  with  the  remark: 

‘‘  How,  you  have  been  steadily  proclaiming  your  ability 
to  eat  a crow.  Here  is  one  cooked  to  a turn.  Try  it.” 
The  farmer  was  taken  somewhat  aback,  but  had  too  much 
pluck  to  acknowledge  himself  beaten  without  a trial.  He 
accordingly  attacked  the  dish,  with  the  remark : 

‘‘I  kin  do  it.”  At  the  second  bite  he  repeated  : ‘‘I  kin 

cat  crow,”  and,  as  he  suddenly  suspended  the  operation  of 
cutting  the  third  mouthful,  and  began  to  retreat  toward 
the  door,  he  added,  ‘‘but  dang  me  if  T hanker  arterit!” 


How  the  Initials  “ I.  H.  S.”  Originated. 

St.  Beknakdine  of  Sienna,  is  said  to  liavo  been  the 
Inventor  of  these  initials,  to  denote  the  name  and  mission 
of  our  Savior.  They  are  to  be  found  in  a circle  above 
the  principal  doors  of  Santo  Croce  in  Florence,  and  are 
said  to  have  been  ])laced  there  by  the  Saint  after  the  ])lague 
of  1347,  after  which  time,  these  letters  were  very  soon  com- 
monly introduced  into  churches.  These  initial  letters  have 
had  assigned  to  them  the  following  significations:  Jesus 


Hominum  Salvator  (Jesus,  the  Savior  of  Men),  or  In  Hoo 
Sains  (In  Him  is  Salvation). 


“ Old  Fogies.” 

This  word  is  said  to  be  derived  from  a peculiar  body  of 
men,  who,  at  the  end  of  the  last  century,  existed  in  Edin- 
burgh Castle,  and  were  called  Fogies.  Thej^  were  old  men, 
dressed  in  red  coats  with  apple-green  facings  and  cocked 
hats,  and  were  a sort  of  invalid  company,  who  performed 
various  trivial  duties. 


Coffee. 

Says  Mr.  Cranfurd : The  word  “coffee”  is  deriv^ed 

from  the  Arabic  kahwah — Turkish  Kalive.  The  plant  is 
a native  of  Abyssinia,  and  its  true  name  is  ^^han.,'''’  wdiile 
kahwah^  or  coffee,  means  “wine,”  as  a substitute  for 
which  the  decoction  w'as  used.  From  Arabia  it  spread  to 
Egypt  and  Turkey  and  thence  to  England,  where  it  a]>- 
peared  in  1650.  In  sixty  years’  time,  in  fashionable- 
society,  according  to  Pope,  it  was  : 

“ Coffee,  which  makes  the  politician  wise, 

And  see  through  all  things  with  his  half-shut  eyes.” 


Origin  of  the  Dollar  Mark,  $. 

Spechlations  concerning  the  origin  of  the  dollar  mark 
($)  are  many.  Some  say  that  it  comes  from  the  letters- 
U.  S.,  which,  after  the  adoption 'of  the  Federal  Constitu- 
tion, were  prefixed  to  the  Federal  currency,  and  whicli 
afterwards,  in  the  hurry  of  writing,  were  run  into  one 
another,  the  IT.  being  made  first  and  the  S.  over  it.  Otliei% 
say  it  is  derived  from  the  contraction  of  the  Spanisli  w^ord 


FAMILIAR  THINGS. 


65 


pesos^  dollars ; others  fl*om  the  Spanish  fuertes^  hard,  to 
distinguish  silver  from  paper  money.  The  more  probable 
explanation  is,  that  it  is  a modification  of  the  figure  8,  and 
denotes  a piece  of  “eight  reals,”  or,  as  the  dollar  was  fre- 
quently called,  a piece  of  eighth  It  was  then  designated 
by  the  figures 


Discoveries  Made  by  Accident. 

Valuaele  discoveries  have  been  made,  and  valuable  in- 
ventions suggested,  by  the  veriest  accidents. 

An  alchemist,  while  seeking  to  discover  a mixture  of 
earth  that  would  make  the  most  durable  crucibles,  one  day 
discovered  that  he  had  made  porcelain. 

The  power  of  lenses,  as  applied  to  the  telescope,  was 
discovered  by  a watchmaker’s  apprentice.  While  holding 
spectacle-glasses  between  his  thumb  and  finger,  he  was 
startled  by  the  suddenly-enlarged  appearance  of  a neigh, 
boring  church-S])ire. 

The  art  of  etching  upon  glass  was  discovered  by  a Nur- 
emberg glass-cutter.  By  accident  a few  drops  of  aqua 
fortis  fell  upon  his  spectacles.  lie  noticed  that  the  glass 
became  corroded  and  softened  where  the  acid  had  touched 
it.  That  was  hint  enough.  He  drew  figures  upon  glass 
with  varnish,  apj)lied  the  corroding  fluid,  and  then  cut 
away  the  glass  around  the  drawing.  When  the  varnish 
was  removed,  tlie  figures  appeared  raised  upon  a dark 
ground. 

^lezzo-tinto  owed  its  invention  to  the  simple  accident  of 
the  gun-barrel  of  a sentry  becoming  rusty  with  dew. 

The  swaying  to  and  fro  of  a chandelier  in  a cathedral 
suggested  to  (lalileo  the  a])j)licatiou  of  tlu^  ]>endulum. 

The  art  of  lithographing  was  j)erfect(*d  through  sugges- 
tions made  by  accident.  A ])oor  musieian  was  (iurious  to 


56 


ORIGIN  OF 


kiiow  whether  music  could  not  be  etched  upon  stone  as 
well  as  copper.  After  he  had  prepared  liis  slab,  his  mother 
iisked  him  to  make  a memorandum  of  such  clothes  as  she 
proposed  to  send  awaj  to  be  washed.  Xot  having  pen, 
ink  and  paper  convenient,  he  wrote  the  list  on  the  stone 
with  the  etching  preparation,  intending  to  copy  it  at  leisure. 

A few  days  later,  when  about  to  clean  the  stone,  he 
wondered  what  etfect  aqua  fortis  would  have  upon  it.  He 
applied  the  acid,  and  in  a few  minutes  saw  the  writing 
standing  out  in  relief.  The  next  step  necessary  was  simply 
to  ink  the  stone  and  take  off  an  impression. 

The  composition  of  which  printing  rollers  are  made  was 
discovered  by  a Salopian  printer.  Xot  being  able  to  dis- 
cover the  pelt-ball,  he  inked  the  type  with  a piece  of  soft 
glue  which  had  fallen  out  of  the  glue-pot.  It  was  such  an 
excellent  substitute  that,  after  mixing  molasses  \vith  the 
glue,  to  give  the  mass  proper  consistency,  the  old  pelt-ball 
was  entirely  discarded. 

The  shop  of  a Dublin  tobacconist,  by  the  name  of  Lune- 
ifoot,  was  destroyed  by  fire.  While  he  was  gazing  dole- 
fully into  the  smoldering  ruins,  he  noticed  that  his  poorer 
neighbors  were  gathering  the  snuff  from  the  canisters. 
He  tested  the  snuff  for  himself,  and  discovered  that  the 
fire  had  largely  ini])roved  its  pungency  and  aroma.  It  was 
a hint  worth  profiting  by.  He  secured  another  shop, 
built  a lot  of  ovens,  subjected  the  snuff  to  a heating  pro- 
cess, gave  the  brand  a j^articular  name,  and  in  a few  years 
became  rich  through  an  accident  which  he  at  first  thought 
had  completely  ruined  him. 

The  process  of  whitening  sugar  was  discovered  in  a 
curious  way.  A hen  that  had  gone  through  a clay  puddle 
went  with  her  muddy  feet  into  a sugar  house.  She  left  her 
ti’acks  on  a pile  of  sugar.  It  was  noticed  that  wherever 
her  tracks  were  the  sugar  was  whitened.  Experiments 


FAMILIAR  THINGS. 


57 


^vere  instituted,  and  the  result  was  that  wet  clay  came  to 
be  used  in  refining  sugar. 

The  origin  of  blue-tinted  paper  came  about  by  a mere 
slip  of  the  hand.  The  wife  of  William  East,  an  English 
paper-maker,  accidentally  let  a blue  bag  fall  into  one  of 
the  vats  of  pulp.  The  workmen  were  astonished  when 
they  saw  the  peculiar  color  of  the  paper,  while  Mr.  East 
was  highly  incensed  at  what  he  considered  a grave  pecuni- 
ary loss.  His  wife  was  so  much  frightened  that  she  would 
not  confess  her  agency  in  the  matter.  After  storing  the 
damaged  paper  for  four  years,  Mr.  East  sent  it  to  his  agent 
in  London,  wfith  the  instruction  to  sell  it  for  what  it  Tvould 
bring.  The  paper  was  accepted  as  a ‘‘  purposed  novelty,” 
and  was  disposed  of  at  quite  an  advance  over  market  price. 
Mr.  East  was  astonished  at  receiving  an  order  for  another 
large  invoice  of  the  paper.  He  was  without  the  secret, 
and  found  himself  in  a dilemma.  Upon  mentioning  it  to 
liis  wife,  she  told  him  about  the  accident.  He  kept  the 
secret,  and  the  demand  for  the  novel  tint  far  exceeded  his 
ability  to  supply  it. 

A Brighton  stationer  took  a fancy  for  dressing  his  show- 
window  with  piles  of  writing-paper,  rising  gradually  from 
the  largest  to  the  smallest  size  in  use ; and  to  finish  his 
pyramids  ofi*  nicely,  he  cut  cards  to  bring  them  to  a point. 
Taking  these  cards  for  diminutive  note  paper,  lady  custo- 
mers were  continually  wanting  some  of  ‘‘that  lovely  little 
paper,”  and  the  stationer  found  it  advantageous  to  cut  ])aper 
to  the  desired  ])attern.  As  there  was  no  space  for  address- 
ing the  notelets  after  they  were  folded,  lie,  after  much 
thought,  invented  the  envelope,  which  he  cut  by  the  aid  of 
metal  yfiates  made  for  the  purpose.  The  sale  increased  so 
rapidly  that  he  was  unable  to  produce  the  envelopes  fast 
enough,  so  he  commissioned  a dozen  houses  to  make  them 


68 


ORIGIN  OF 


for  him,  and  thus  set  going  an  important  branch  of  the 
manufacturing  stationery  trade. 


The  Bridal  Veil. 

The  ‘‘Bride’s  Veil”  originated  in  the  Anglo-Saxon 
custom  of  performing  the  nuptial  ceremony  under  a square 
piece  of  cloth,  held  at  each  corner  by  a tall  man,  over  the 
bridegroom  and  the  bride,  to  conceal  her  virgin  blushes ; 
but  if  the  bride  was  a widow  the  veil  was  dispensed  with. 


The  Cap  of  Liberty. 

After  the  death  of  Csosar,  we  are  told,  in  the  Life  of 
Cicero,  that  the  conspirators  marched  out  in  a body,  with  a 
cap,  as  the  ensign  of  Liberty,  carried  before  them  on  a 
spear.  There  was  a medal  struck  on  the  occasion,  with  the 
same  device,  which  is  said  to  be  still  extant.  The  thought, 
however,  was  not  new;  for  Saturninus,  in  his  sedition,  in 
263,  when  he  had  possessed  himself  of  the  Capitol,  exalted 
a cap  also  on  the  top  of  a spear,  as  a token  of  liberty  to  all 
slaves  who  would  join  him;  and  Marius  used  the  same 
expedient,  to  incite  the  slaves  to  take  arms  with  him 
against  Sylla.  For  slaves  to  wear  the  cap  was  a prize. 


“ According  to  Gunter.” 

This  expression  is  undoubtedly  derived  from  the  name 
of  a celebrated  English  mathematician,  Edward  Gunter, 
who  was  born  in  1581.  He  was  the  author  of  various 
works,  and  also  an  inventor.  Among  his  inventions  were 
“Gunter’s  Quadrant,”  and  “Gunter’s  Scale.”  This  last 
is  generally  called  by  seamen  the  Gunter^  and  it  is  prob_ 


FAMILIAR  THINGS. 


59 


ably  from  this  more  especially  that  the  phrase  is  derived. 
It  is  an  instrument,  by  means  of  which,  with  the  aid  of  the 
compass,  many  questions  in  navigation  are  settled. 


“ Brother  Jonathan.” 

The  origin  of  this  term,  as  applied  to  the  United  States, 
is  as  follows ; 

When  General  Washington,  after  being  appointed  Com- 
mander of  the  Army  of  the  Revolutionary  War,  went  to 
Massachusetts  to  organize  it,  he  found  a great  want  of 
ammunition  and  other  means  for  its  defense  ; and  on  one 
occasion  it  seemed  that  no  means  could  be  devised  for  the 
necessary  safety.  Jonathan  Trumbull,  the  elder,  was  then 
Governor  of  the  State  of  Connecticut ; the  General,  placing 
the  greatest  reliance  on  his  Excellency’s  judgment,  re- 
marked: ‘ AVe  must  consult  Brother  Jonathan  on  the  sub- 
ject.” The  General  did  so,  and  the  Governor  was  success- 
ful in  supplying  many  of  the  wants  of  the  army;  and 
thenceforth,  when  difficulties  arose,  and  the  army  was 
spread  over  the  country,  it  became  a by-phrase,  ‘‘We 
must  consult  Brother  Jonathan  and  the  name  has  now 
become  a designation  for  the  whole  country,  as  John  Bull 
has  for  England. 


“Hobson’s  Choice.” 

Tobias  Hobson  was  the  lirst  man  in  England  who  let 
out  hackney  horses.  When  a man  came  for  a horse,  he 
was  led  into  the  stables,  where  there  was  a great  choice, 
but  lie  obliged  him  to  take  the  horse  which  stood  next  to 
the  stable  door:  so  that  every  customer  was  alike  well 
served  according  to  his  chance,  from  whence  it  became  a 


ORIGIN  OF 


proverb,  when  what  ought  to  be  your  election  was  forced 
upon  you,  to  say,  “Hobson’s  choice.” — Spectator. 


“ A Feather  in  His  Cap.” 

In  the  British  Museum  are  two  MSS.  descriptive  of 
Hungary  in  1598,  in  which  the  writer  says  of  the  inhab- 
itants : 

'Ht  hath  been  an  auncient  custome  amongst  them,  that 
none  should  weare  a fether  but  he  who  had  killed  a Turk, 
to  whome  onlie  yt  was  lawfull  to  shew  the  number  of  his 
slaine  enemyes  by  the  number  of  fethers  in  his  cappe.” 
And  this  is  said  to  explain  the  origin  of  “a  feather  in 
his  cap.” 


Rise  of  the  Cent, 

The  “ cent”  was  proposed  by  Robert  Morris,  the  great 
financier  of  the  Revolution,  and  was  named  by  Jelferson 
two  years  later.  It  began  to  make  its  appearance  from  the 
Mint  in  1792.  It  bore  then  the  head  of  Washington  on 
one  side,  and  a chain  of  thirteen  links  on  the  other.  This 
head  was,  through  French  ideas,  afterwards  replaced  with 
the  Goddess  of  Liberty,  and  the  chain  by  an  olive  wreath  of 
peace. 


How  the  Barber’s  Pole  Originated. 

The  barber- surgeon  of  old  was  known  by  his  pole  at 
the  door.  This  pole  was  by  the  barber-surgeon  for  his 
patient  to  grasp  in  blood-letting,  a fillet  or  bandage  being 
used  for  tying  his  arm.  When  the  pole  was  not  in  use, 
the  tape  was  tied  to  it,  and  twisted  around  it;  and  thus  both 


FAMILIAR  THINGS. 


61 


were  hung  up  as  a sign.  At  length,  instead  of  hanging 
out  the  actual  pole  used  in  the  operation,  a pole  was  painted 
with  stripes  around  it,  in  imitation  of  the  real  pole  and  its 
bandages;  hence  the  barber’s  pole. 


Origin  of  the  Days  of  the  Week. 

The  names  of  the  week  days  were  originally  given  in 
honor  of  the  sun,  moon,  and  planets,  which  were  objects 
of  adoration  in  ancient  times. 

‘‘Sunday  ” was  anciently  dedicated  to  the  sun,  and  was, 
therefore,  called  the  sun’s  day;  in  the  Saxon,  sunnan 
(sun),  and  dag  (day). 

“Monday”  was  sacred  to  the  moon,  and  is,  therefore, 
called  moon-day;  Saxon,  monandag. 

“Tuesday”  was  mars-day  in  ancient  times,  and  derives 
its  name  from  the  Saxon,  tiwesdag. 

“Wednesday”  is  from  the  Saxon,  woden^  (anciently 
the  highest  god  of  the  Germans  and  Scandinavians),  and 
dag,  (day). 

“Thursday”  was  originally  consecrated  to  Thor.^  the 
god  of  thunder  (answering  to  Jove  of  the  Romans),  and  is 
therefore  called  Thor's  day j Saxon,  Thunresdag. 

“Friday”  is  from  the  goddess  of  marriage 

(equivalent  to  the  Latin  Juno),  the  wife  of  Odhin  or 
Wodan,  and  dag  (day). 

‘‘Saturday,”  was  anciently  Saturn  day ; Saxon, 
dag. 

The  old  Roman  names  were  as  follows : 

Sunday,  Dies  Solis  (Sun’s  day). 

Monday,  .Dies  Lunm  (Moon’s  day). 

Tuesday,  Dies  Martis  (Mar’s  day). 

Wednesday,  Dies  Mercurii  ( Mercury ’s  day). 


62 


ORIGIN  OF 


Thursday,  Dies  Jovis  (Jupiter’s  day). 
Friday,  Dies  Yeneris  (Venus’  day). 
Saturday,  Dies  Saturni  (Saturn’s  day). 


“ Its.” 

“His”  is  the  genitive  of  “he”  (he’s);  and  “it,”  or 
“hit,”  as  it  was  long  written,  is  the  neuter  of  “he,”  the 
final  “t”  being  the  sign  of  the  neuter.  “Its”  does  not 
occur  in  our  authorized  version  of  the  Bible ; nor  does  it 
occur  a half-dozen  times  in  all  Shakespeare. 


“ Humbug.” 

Probably  from  the  name  of  a Mr.  Hume,  who  succeeded 
to  the  Bogne  or  Boog  estate  in  Scotland,  and  who  was 
known  as  “Hume  o’  the  Boog,”  or  “Aum  o’  the  Bug.” 
He  was  so  inclined  to  the  marvelous,  that  when  anyone 
made  an  extraordinary  statement,  it  soon  became  common 
to  style  it  “ a hum  o’  the  bug,”  wdiich  w^as  soon  shortened 
to  humbug.  There  are  also  other  theories  for  its  origin, 
e.  from  a Mr.  Humbug,  a celebrated  Irish  dancing- 
master.” 


“True  Blue.” 

In  England  this  partisan  color  was  first  assumed  by  the 
Covenanters  in  opposition  to  the  scarlet  badge  of  Charles 
I. , and  hence  it  was  taken  by  the  troops  of  Lesle}^  and  Mont- 
rose in  1639.  The  expression  is  also  supposed  to  have  a 
relation  to  the  Scriptural  words  recorded  in  Humbers  xv., 
38,  where  the  “borders  of  their  [Israelites]  garments” 
were  to  have  “ ribbons  of  blue.” 


FAMILIAR  THINGS. 


63 

“ Nabob.” 

This  word  originated  from  nawah^  the  plural  of  naih^  a 
deputy  or  lieutenant.  Sir  T.  Herbert,  in  1634,  spells  the 
word  nabobb^  and  defines  it  ‘‘a  nobleman  in  the  language 
of  the  Mogul’s  kingdom.” 


First  Things. 

Envelopes  were  first  used  in  1839. 

Ansethesia  was  dicovered  in  1844. 

The  first  steel  pen  was  made  in  1830. 

The  first  air  pump  was  made  in  1654. 

The  first  lucifer  matcli  was  made  in  1829. 

The  first  balloon  ascent  was  made  in  1783. 

The  first  iron  steamship  was  built  in  1830. 

Ships  were  first  ‘‘copper-bottomed”  in  1783. 

Coaches  were  first  used  in  England  in  1569. 

The  first  horse  railroad  was  built  in  1826-7. 

The  entire  Hebrew  Bible  was  printed  in  1488. 

Gold  was  first  discovered  in  California  in  1848. 

The  first  steamer  plied  the  Hudson  in  1807. 

The  first  watches  were  made  at  Huremburg  in  1477. 
Kerosene  was  first  used  for  lighting  purposes  in  1826. 
The  first  newspaper  advertisement  appeared  in  1652. 
The  first  copper  cent  was  coined  in  New  Haven  in  1687. 
The  first  telescope  was  probably  used  in  England  in 
1608. 

The  first  saw-maker’s  anvil  was  brought  to  America  in 
1819. 

The  first  use  of  a locomotive  in  this  country  was  in  1829. 
The  first  almanac  was  j)rinted  by  George  Van  Burbach 
in  1460. 

The  first  chimney  was  introduced  into  liome  from  Padua 
in  1329. 


64 


ORIGIN  OF 


Glass  windows  were  first  introduced  into  England  in  the 
eighth,  century. 

The  first  steam  engine  on  this  continent  was  brought 
from  England  in  1753. 

The  first  complete  sewing  machine  was  patented  by 
Elias  Howe,  Jr.,  in  1816. 

The  first  attempt  to  manufacture  pins  in  this  country 
was  made  soon  after  the  War  of  1812. 

Glass  was  early  discovered.  Glass  beads  were  found  on 
mummies  over  three  thousand  years  old. 

Gas  was  first  used  as  an  illuminating  agent  in  1702. 
Its  first  use  in  New  York  was  in  1827. 

The  first  glass  factory  in  the  United  States  of  which  we 
have  definite  knowledge  was  built  in  1780. 

The  first  national  bank  in  the  United  States  was  incor- 
porated by  Congress,  December  31,  1781. 

The  first  temperance  society  in  this  country  was  organ- 
ized in  Saratoga  County,  N.  Y.,  in  March,  1808. 

The  first  machine  for  carding,  roving,  and  spinning  cot- 
ton made  in  the  United  States  was  manufactured  in  1786. 

The  first  society  for  the  exclusive  purpose  of  circulating 
the  Bible  Avas  organized  in  1805,  under  the  name  of  ‘‘  Brit- 
ish and  Foreign  Bible  Society.” 

The  first  telegraphic  instrument  Avas  successfully  op. 
erated  by  S.  F.  B.  Morse,  the  inventor,  in  1835,  though 
its  utility  was  not  demonstrated  to  the  Av^orld  until  1814. 

The  first  Union  flag  was  unfurled  on  the  1st  of  January, 
1776,  over  the  camp  at  Cambridge.  It  had  thirteen  stripes 
of  white  and  red,  and  retained  the  English  cross  in  one 
corner. 

The  first  daily  newspaper  appeared  in  1702.  The  first 
newspaper  in  the  United  States  was  published  in  Boston, 
September  25,  1790.  The  first  religious  newspaper,  the 
Boston  Record^  was  published  in  1815. 


library 
UNIVERSITY  OF  ILLINOIS 
URBANA 


ABRAHAM  LINCOL^^. 
thb  lawtkb. 


POPULAR  ANECDOTES 


Anecdotes  of  Noted  Persons. 


Lincoln  and  the  Troublesome  Politician. — A Laugh- 
able Story. 

Mr.  James  S.  Brisbin  gives  the  following  interesting  and 
amusing  reminiscence  of  the  great  war  President : 

One  day  not  long  after  Mr.  Lincoln  issued  his  Emancipa- 
tion Proclamation,  Mr.  Wade  came  in,  laughing  all  over 
his  face,  and  said : 

“Well,  Old  Abe  has  just  done  the  sharpest  thing  you 
ever  heard  of.  He  has  given  out  he  has  the  small-pox,  to 
keep  the  politicians  and  office-seekers  away  from  the  White 
House.” 

The  story  ran  thus  : Mr.  Wade  went  to  the  White 

House  to  see  Lincoln,  who  had  been  ill.  He  found  the 
President  a little  pale,  but  jolly  as  he  could  be. 

“Sit  down,  Wade.  I am  glad  to  see  you.  Oh,  I have 
the  funniest  thing  to  tell  you.  It  will  make  you  laugh.  I 
never  did  such  a thing  before  in  my  life,  and  never  will 
again.”  Then  the  President  laughed  until  the  tears  ran 
down  his  cheeks. 

“Now,  Wade,”  he  said,  “you  are  not  to  repeat  this  out- 


10 


ANECDOTES 


side,  for  it  would  give  offense,  and  it  by  no  manner  ot 
means  comports  with  the  dignity  which  is  supposed  to 
hedge  a President  about.  The  doctor  put  me  up  to  it  to 
rid  myself  of  a bore.  I ought  not  to  have  done  it,  but  I 
couldn’t  help  it,  it  was  so  funny.  You  know  I have  been 
ill,  and  a great  many  people  have  wondered  what  ailed  me, 
but  none  of  them  could  find  out.  The  truth  is,  I was  wor- 
ried to  death  and  talked  sick  pretty  much  by  one  man,  the 
most  everlasting  bore  you  ever  saw,  who  wanted  an  office. 
I knew  he  would  come  again  as  soon  as  I was  able  to  sit  up, 
and  the  doctor  put  me  up  to  get  rid  of  him  by  saying  I had 
the  small-pox.  I only  got  out  yesterday,  and  sure  enough 
this  morning  he  called  on  me.  I had  determined  to  be  po- 
lite to  him,  but  he  staid  so  long  the  humor  seized  me  and  I 
sent  for  the  doctor.  Giving  him  the  wink,  I held  out  my 
hand,  and  inquired : 

‘"‘Doctor,  what  marks  are  those  on  my  hand?” 

“That’s  varioloid  or  mild  small-pox,”  said  the  doctor. 

“Well,”  said  I.  “it’s  all  over  me.  It’s  contagious,  is  it 
not,  doctor?” 

“Yery  contagious  indeed,”  he  replied,  “and  you  should 
see  no  one.  ’ ’ 

“My  visitor,  who  had  been  getting  more  and  more  nerv- 
ous every  moment,  now  could  stand  it  no  longer,  and,  ris- 
ing, said: 

“ ‘Well,  Mr.  Lincoln,  I can’t  stop  any  longer.  I just 
called  to  see  how  you  were,”  and  then  he  started  to  hurry 
out.’ 

“Stop  a minute.  I want  to  talk  to  you,”  said  Lincoln, 
“about  that  office.” 

“ ‘Excuse  me,  Mr.  President.  You  are  not  well  this 
morning  and  I won’t  bother  you,”  said  he,  shoving  toward 
the  door’. 

“Never  mind,”  said  I,  “don’t  be  in  a hurry.  It’s  all 


OF  NOTED  PERSONS. 


11 


right,  and  if  you  are  going  to  get  the  varioloid  you  will  get 
it  now  anyhow.  So  you  might  as  well  sit  down.” 

“ ‘Thank  you,  sir,  but  I’ll  call  again,”  he  replied,  fairly 
turning  livid  and  executing  a masterly  retreat  from  the 
fearful  contagion  with  which  he  supposed  me  to  be  afflicted’. 

“Now,”  said  Uncle  Abe,  “it  will  be  all  over  the  city  in 
an  hour  that  I have  the  small-pox,  and  you  contradict  the 
story,  but  I want  you  to  promise  you  won’t  repeat  what  I 
have  just  told  you.” 

Wade  laughed  until  he  was  weak,  and  when  he  could 
get  his  breath  sufflciently  to  speak  he  looked  at  the  clock, 
as  was  his  custom,  and  said  : 

“Now  for  a little  business,  and  then  I will  go.” 

“Don’t  go,”  cried  Uncle  Abe,  and  laying  his  head  in 
his  hands  on  the  desk  in  front  of  him  he  laughed  until  he 
shook  all  over.  Presently  raising  up  his  face  from  between 
his  hands  he  wiped  his  eyes  and  blew  his  nose  until  the  re 
port  sounded  like  the  blowing  of  a horn.  After  another  fit- 
of  laughing  he  said  : 

“Wade,  you  should  have  seen  him,  and  how  scared  he 
was.  I’ll  bet  that  fellow  never  comes  back  here  while  I 
am  President.” 

As  might  have  been  expected,  hardly  had  Mr.  Wade 
quitted  the  White  House  when  he  heard  the  President  had 
the  small-pox,  and  was  very  sick.  Wade  promptly  contra- 
dicted the  story,  but  that  night  it  was  telegraphed  all  over 
the  country,  and  many  people  will  yet  remember  the  story 
of  Mr.  Lincoln  having  the  varioloid  during  the  war. 
Commenting  on  the  report.  Uncle  Abe  said  to  Wade  : 
“Some  people  said  they  could  not  take  my  proclamation 
very  well,  but  when  I get  the  small-pox,  Wade,  I shall  then 
be  happy  to  aay  I have  something  everybody  can  take.” 


12 


ANECDOTES 


Gen.  Grant’s  Narrow  Escape  at  Holly  Springs. 

Col.  C.  E.  Bowman,  Commissioner  of  Agriculture  of  the 
State  of  Kentucky,  tells  this  unwritten  story  concerning 
Gen.  Grant: 

At  the  time  of  VanDorn’s  raid  on  Holly  Springs,  Grant 
had  his  headquarters  in  the  house  of  a relation  of  the  Colo- 
nel’s, a Mr.  Heber  Craft,  now  living  in  McComb  City, 
Louisiana. 

One  day  at  the  dinner  table  a remark  was  made  concern- 
ing the  permanent  occupancy  of  the  town  by  the  Federals, 
when  Mrs.  Craft,  in  a woman’s  characteristic  earnestness, 
said,  “Don’t  be  too  sure  of  that.  Our  boyc  will  be  along 
shortly,  and  then  we  will  see  about  the  permanent  occu- 
pancy.” 

She  had  no  knowledge  of  YanDorn’s  intended  raid,  but 
made  the  remark  in  a bantering  style  only.  Great  washer 
surprise  to  hear,  in  less  than  fifteen  minutes  afterward,  that 
the  rebels  were  in  town  and  after  the  man  on  horseback. 
In  his  haste  to  elude  them  and  get  away  on  the  train  Grant 
left  his  uniform  and  sword  at  Mrs.  Craft’s  house. 

The  train  was  barely  out  of  sight,  having  on  board  Grant 
and  his  staff,  when  YanDorn  rode  up  to  Mrs.  Craft’s  house 
in  the  hope  of  bagging  the  federal  commander  and  the 
whole  party.  He  found  Mrs.  Grant,  but  not  the  General. 
Mrs.  Craft,  who  was  not  only  a true  Southern  woman,  but 
a true,  high-minded  lady,  hid  the  General’s  sword  and  uni- 
form for  fear  their  capture,  after  what  she  said  at  the  din- 
ner table,  would  make  Grant  suspect  she  had  violated  the 
rules  of  hospitality  in  attempting  to  betray  him  to  Yan- 
Dorn. 

She  said  that  Grant,  on  his  return  to  Holly  Springs,  was 
surprised  and  greatly  rejoiced  to  find  his  trappings  safe,  but 


OF  NOTED  PERSONS. 


13 


he  nor  the  chronicler  of  that  raid  never  knew  why  they  were 
not  captured.  

Gen.  Jackson  and  His  Old  Horse. 

Rev.  H.  M.  Crter,  in  his  “Reminiccences,”  tells  the 
following  story  of  Andrew  Jackson  and  his  old  horse 
“Duke 

Though  Duke  grew  feeble  and  almost  helpless  in  his  lat- 
ter day,  he  was  not  forgotten  or  suffered  to  be  neglected. 
I have,  in  a walk  with  the  General,  more  than  osce,  gone 
to  the  lot  which  contained  this  living  wreck  of  martial 
valor,  and,  while  the  old  creature  would  reel  and  stagger, 
looking  wistfully  at  his  master,  the  General  would  sigh- 
ingly say:  “Ah,  poor  fellow,  we  have  seen  hard  times 

together ; we  must  shortly  separate ; your  days  of  sufferdug 
and  toil  are  well-nigh  ended.” 

On  one  occasion,  to  try  the  General  on  a tender  point, 
the  writer  of  this  article  suggested  the  idea  of  putting  an 
end  to  the  sufferings  of  Duke,  by  having  him  shot  or 
knocked  on  the  head.  “No,”  said  his  generous  master, 
“never,  never;  let  him  live,  and,  while  there  is  anything 
to  grow  upon  this  farm,  Duke  shall  have  a part.” 


Why  a King  Objected  to  Being  Bled. 

A SINGULAR  story  is  told,  apropos  of  the  stay  of  Prince 
Oscar  of  Sweden  in  Paris,  concerning  the  objection  his 
ancestor,  Bernadotte,  always  had  of  being  bled.  Ilis 
medical  adviser,  who  was  a disciple  of  Dr.  Sangrado,  in- 
sisted in  vain,  that  it  was  necessary  for  his  health;  the 
King  was  obstinate.  At  last  a crisis  came,  and  when  Bor- 
nadotte  heard  that  the  doctor  declined  to  answer  for  his 
life,  if  he  would  not  consent  to  bleeding,  ho  gave  way. 
But  before  baring  his  arm,  he  made  the  operator  promise 


11 


ANECDOTES 


that  he  would  never  devulge  what  was  to  be  seen  on  it, 
and  the  doctor  made  a solemn  vow,  which  he  broke.  A 
Phrygian  cap,  with  the  motto,  ‘ ‘ Death  to  Kings,  ’ ’ was 
elaborately  tattooed  above  the  elbow.  The  dashing  soldier, 
when  he  pricked  this  regicide  maxim  into  his  skin,  never 
dreamed  that  one  daydie  would  come  to  be  a King  himself. 


Ole  Bull’s  Debut--A  Thrilling  Story. 

Professor  Anderson  gives  in  the  preface  to  the  “ Spell- 
Bound  Fiddler,*’  a Xorse  romance,  a translation  from  the 
Danish  of  the  following  graphic  account  of  the  entrance 
of  the  late  veteran  of  the  violin.  Ole  Bull,  before  the 
public: 

Behind  the  Alps  is  the  land  of  miracles,  the  world  of 
adventure.  AYe  do  not  believe  in  miracles  ; adventure,  on 
the  contrary,  is  dear  to  us — we  listen  to  it  with  willingness, 
and  such  a one  as  only  happens  to  genius  took  place  in 
Bologna  in  the  year  1834.  The  poor  Korseman,  Ole  Bull, 
whom  at  that  time  no  one  knew,  had  wandered  thus  far 
southward.  In  his  fatherland,  some  persons  certainly 
thought  that  there  was  something  in  him  ; but  most  people, 
as  is  generally  the  case,  predicted  that  Ole  Bull  would 
amount  to  nothing.  He  himself  felt,  that  he  must  go  out 
into  the  world  in  order  to  cherish  the  spark  into  a flame,  or 
else  to  quench  it  entirely.  Everything  seemed  at  flrst  to 
indicate  that  the  latter  would  be  the  case.  lie  had  arrived 
at  Bologna,  but  his  money  was  spent,  and  there  was  no 
place  where  there  was  any  prospect  of  getting  more — no 
friend,  not  a countryman  held  forth  a helping  hand  toward 
him ; he  sat  alone  in  a poor  attic  in  one  of  the  small  streets. 

It  was  already  the  second  day  that  he  had  been  there  and 
he  had  scarcely  tasted  food.  The  water-jug  and  the  violin 
were  the  only  two  things  that  cheered  the  young  and 


OF  NOTED  PEESONS. 


15 


suffering  artist.  He  began  to  doubt  whether  he  really 
were  in  possession  of  that  talent  with  which  God  had  en- 
dowed him,  and  in  his  despondency  breathed  into  the  violin 
those  tones  which  now  seize  our  hearts  in  so  wonderful  a 
manner — those  tones  which  tell  us  how  deeply  he  has  suf- 
fered and  felt.  The  same  evening  a great  concert  was  to 
be  given  in  the  principal  theater.  The  house  was  filled 
to  overflowing ; the  Grand  Duke  of  Tuscany  was  in  the 
royal  box ; Madame  Malibran  and  Monsieur  de  Beriot 
were  to  lend  their  able  assistance  in  the  performance  of 
several  pieces.  The  concert  was  to  commence,  but  matters 
looked  inauspicious — the  manager’s  star  was  not  in  the 
ascendant — Monsieur  de  Beriot  had  taken  umbrage  and  re- 
fused to  play. 

xill  was  trouble  and  confusion  on  the  stage,  when,  in  this 
dilemma,  the  wife  of  Bossini,  the  composer,  entered,  and, 
in  the  midst  of  the  manager’s  distress,  related  that  on  the 
previous  evening,  as  she  passed  through  one  of  the  narrow 
streets,  she  had  suddenly  stopped  on  hearing  the  strange 
tones  of  an  instrument,  which  certainly  resembled  those  of 
a violin,  but  yet  seemed  to  be  difterent.  She  had  asked 
the  landlord  of  the  house  who  it  was  that  lived  in  the  attic 
whence  the  sounds  proceeded,  and  he  had  replied  that  it 
was  a young  man  from  the  north  of  Europe,  and  that  the 
instrument  he  played  was  certainly  a lyre,  but  she  felt  as- 
sured that  it  could  not  be  so  ; it  must  either  be  a new  sort 
of  an  instrument,  or  an  artist  who  knew  how  to  treat  his 
instrument  in  an  unusual  manner.  At  the  same  time  she 
said  that  they  ought  to  send  for  him,  and  he  might,  ])erhaps, 
supply  the  place  of  Monsieur  de  Beriot  by  playing  the 
pieces  that  must  otherwise  be  wanting  in  the  evening’s 
entertainment.  This  advice  was  acted  upon,  and  a messen- 
ger was  dispatched  to  the  street  where  Ole  Bull  sat  in  his 
attic.  To  him  it  was  a message  from  Iloaveu.  Now  or 


16 


ANECDOTES 


never,  thought  he,  and,  though  ill  and  exhausted,  he  took 
his  violin  under  his  arm  and  accompanied  the  messenger  to 
the  theater.  Two  minutes  after  his  arrival,  the  manager 
informed  the  assembled  audience,  that  a young  Norwegian, 
consequently  a “young  savage,”  would  give  a specimen  of 
skill  on  the  violin,  instead  of  Monsieur  de  Beriot. 

Ole  Bull  appeared:  the  theater  was  brilliantly  illumi- 
nated. He  perceived  the  scrutinizing  looks  of  ladies  nearest 
to  him ; one  of  them,  who  watched  him  very  closely 
through  her  opera-glass,  smilingly  whispered  to  her  neigh- 
bor, with  a mocking  mien,  about  the  diffident  manners  of 
the  artist.  lie  looked  at  his  clothes,  and  in  the  strong 
blaze  of  light  they  appeared  rather  the  worse  for  wear. 
The  lady  made  her  remarks  about  them,  and  her  smile 
pierced  his  very  heart.  He  had  taken  no  notes  with  him 
which  he  could  give  to  the  orchestra.  He  was,  conse- 
quently, obliged  to  play  without  accompaniment;  but  what 
should  he  play?  I will  give  them  the  fantasias  which  at 
this  moment  cross  my  mind ! And  he  played  Improvisory 
remembrances  of  his  own  life — melodies  from  his  soul; 
it  was  as  if  every  thought,  every  feeling,  passed  through 
the  violin  and  revealed  itself  to  the  audience.  The  most 
astounding  acclamations  resounded  through  the  house. 
Ole  Bull  was  called  forth  again  and  again.  They  still 
desired  a new  improvisation. 

He  then  addressed  himself  to  that  lady  whose  mocking 
smile  had  met  him  on  his  appearance,  and  asked  for  a 
theme  to  vary.  She  gave  him  one  from  “Xorma.”  He 
then  asked  two  other  ladies,  who  chose  one  from  “Othello” 
and  one  from  “Moses.”  How,  thought  he,  if  I take  all 
three,  unite  them  with  each  other,  and  form  one  piece,  I 
shall  then  flatter  each  of  the  ladies,  and  perhaps  the  com- 
position will  produce  an  effect.  He  did  so.  Powerfully 
as  the  rod  ot  the  magician  the  bow  glided  across  the 


OF  NOTED  PERSONS. 


17 


strings,  while  cold  drops  of  perspiration  trickled  down  his 
forehead.  There  was  fever  in  his  blood ; it  was  as  if  the 
mind  would  free  itself  from  the  body ; fire  shot  from  his 
eyes;  he  felt  himself  almost  swooning;  yet  a few  bold 
strokes — they  were  his  last  bodily  powers. 

Flowers  and  wreaths  from  the  charmed  multitude  fiut- 
tered  about  him,  who,  exhausted  by  mental  confiict  and 
hunger,  was  nearly  fainting.  He  went  to  his  home  accom- 
panied by  music.  Before  the  house  sounded  the  serenade 
for  the  hero  of  the  evening,  who  meanwhile  crept  up  the 
dark  and  narrow  staircase,  higher  and  higher,  into  his 
poor  garret,  where  he  clutched  the  water-jug  to  refresh 
himself.  When  all  was  silent,  the  landlord  came  to  him, 
brought  him  food  and  drink,  and  gave  him  a better  room. 
The  next  day  he  was  informed  that  the  theater  was  at  his 
service,  and  that  a concert  was  to  be  arranged  for  him. 
An  invitation  from  the  Duke  of  Tuscany  next  followed, 
and  from  that  moment  name  and  fame  were  founded  for 
Ole  Bull. 


Stuart’s  Artistic  Treatment  of  the  Eyes. 

The  late  Henry  Shaw,  the  father  of  Josh  Billings,”  of 
Lanesboro,  when  a young  lawyer  in  Hew  York  City,  was 
very  intimate  with  Gilbert  Stuart,  and  used  to  pass  much 
time  with  him.  Those  who  were  acquainted  with  Mr. 
Shaw  can  easily  imagine  how  a gentleman  with  the  paint- 
er’s gifts  would  become  attached  to  Mr.  Shaw,  who  was  a 
man  of  rare  genius  and  one  of  the  most  accomplished  and 
fascinating  conversationalists  that  this  or  any  other  country 
ever  produced.  Stuart  painted  the  portrait  of  a lady  in 
Hew  York,  who  was  fussy,  critical,  overexacting,  and  nice 
to  a degree  that  tried  in  the  extreme  his  rather  excitable 
temperament.  The  portrait  was  changed  again  and  again, 


18 


ANECDOTES 


the  shade  of  the  hair,  the  color  of  the  eyes,  the  expression 
of  the  mouth,  the  pose  of  the  head,  the  arrangement  of 
the  drapery,  etc.,  were  repeatedly  altered  at  the  suggestion 
of  the  lady. 

One  day  madam  came  in  with  several  friends  to  see  the 
portrait,  and,  as  usual,  she  began  to  criticise,  and  said : 
“ I do  not  think,  Mr.  Stuart,  you  have  given  my  eyes  the 
right  expression.”  The  patience  of  the  artist  was  ex- 
hausted— he  could  stand  no  more.  Walking  up  to  the  por- 
trait, and  drawing  back  his  fist,  he  thrust  it  through  the 
canvas,  and  exclaimed  in  blunt  but  vigorous  Anglo-Saxon : 
“Madam,  darn  your  eyes!”  Throwing  the  canvas  aside, 
the  portrait  was  finished.  He  had  given  it  the  last  touch. 


Agassiz  and  the  Snake. 

Of  Prof.  Agassiz,  Miss  A.  C.  Brackett,  recalling  a day 
in  the  Farmingham  school,  says:  When  one  of  the  pupils 

one  day  produced  a little  field-snake  from  her  desk,  amid 
the  confusion  that  ensued  in  the  group  around,  Agassiz 
walked  quickly  up  to  us,  instantly  detached  the  little, 
brown,  terrified  thing,  and  took  it  at  once  gently  into  his 
hand,  calling  it  by  its  own  name,  and  thereby,  as  it  were, 
giving  it  a welcoming  right  into  the  one  great  family  to 
live  and  enjoy  itself.  As  Mr.  Whipple  says,  the  dumb 
creation  recognize  their  friend,  for  even  the  little  snake 
curled  itself  at  once  contentedly  round  his  strong  right  hand. 


The  Czar  Nicholas  and  the  Artisan. 

Of  the  Emperor  Nicholas,  who  died  about  a quarter 
of  a century  ago,  a characteristic  anecdote  is  told  in  the 
diaries  of  the  Privy  Councilor  Boguslovskie,  recently 
published  in  St.  Petersburg.  As  he  was  walking  one  day, 
he  heard  a German  artizan  declare,  that  he  would  not  quit 


19 


OF  NOTED  PEKSONS. 

the  spot  until  he  had  seen  the  Emperor.  The  latter  went 
toward  him,  and  demanded  who  he  was  and  what  he  wished. 
The  German,  who  did  not  know  the  Czar,  answered  that 
he  was  an  artisan  from  Hamburg,  and  desired  to  submit  a 
paper  describing  a new  and  cheap  method  of  making  shoe- 
soles  for  the  army. 

“Why  do  you  apply  direct  to  the  Emperor?”  inquired 
the  Czar;  “why  have  you  not  first  addressed  yourself  to 
some  one  about  him?” 

“I  wished  to  do  so,  and  called  on  the  Chief  of  Police 
for  that  purpose,”  returned  the  man,  “but  his  clerk  asked 
me  to  pay  300  roubles,  which  is  impossible,  as  I have  no 
money.” 

“Well,  my  fine  fellow,”  said  the  Czar,  “if  you  will 
transact  your  business  with  the  Emperor  in  person,  speak 
up,  for  I am  he.  ’ ’ 

At  this  unexpected  revelation,  the  honest  Hamburger 
was  so  terrified  that,  trembling  from  head  to  foot,  he  fell 
on  his  knees.  In  doing  so,  his  hat  dropped  from  his  hand. 
The  Emperor’s  dog,  his  almost  constant  companion,  seizing 
the  hat,  began  playing  with  it.  The  Emperor  contem. 
plated  the  scene  with  characteristic  pride,  hugely  relishing 
the  fright  of  the  poor  artizan.  At  last  he  pulled  the  hat 
from  between  the  dog’s  teeth,  and  handing  it,  smiling,  to 
the  still  kneeling  Hamburger,  said : 

“ Do  not  be  alarmed,  my  friend ; give  me  your  paper,  I 
will  have  it  examined.  Meanwhile,  come  to  the  Palace, 
where  you  shall  have  a pecuniary  indemnity  for  the  fright 
you  have  suffered.” 

The  Hamburger  himself  went  mad  from  fright,  but  his 
family  received  a regular  pension. 


20 


JLNTCDOTBg 


Anecdote  of  an  English  Admiral. 

When  Sir  James  Anderson,  of  the  Great  Eastern,  first 
went  to  sea,  his  mother  made  him  promise  to  say  his 
prayers  on  shipboard,  no  matter  what  opposition  or  ridicule 
he  might  meet  with.  One  sailor  boxed  the  boys  ears  and 
affected  to  regard  him  as  a hypocrite,  whereupon  another 
one  of  the  saddest  scapegraces  on  board,  championed  the 
boy,  invited  the  bully  on  deck  and  gave  him  a tremendous 
thrashing,  adding  a grim  warning  that  he  would  serve  any 
one  else  in  the  same  way  who  presumed  to  prevent  the  boy 
from  saying  his  prayers.  Next  night  the  gentle-hearted 
boy,  to  avoid  strife,  undertook  to  say  his  prayers  in  his 
hammock,  whereon  his  protector  lugged  him  out  by  the 
back  of  the  neck  and  gave  him  plainly  to  understand  that 
he  was  not  to  shirk  his  duty ; that  when  his  companion  did 
the  fighting,  his  protege  would  have  to  do  the  praying,  and 
he  kept  him  daily  to  the  task. 


The  Cabin  Boy  and  the  Admiral. 

During  a terrible  naval  battle  between  the  English  and 
the  Dutch,  the  English  flagship,  commanded  by  Admiral 
Narborough,  was  drawn  into  the  thickest  of  the  fight. 
Two  masts  were  soon  shot  away,  and  the  main-mast  fell 
with  a fearful  crasli  upon  the  deck.  Admiral  Narborough 
saw  that  all  was  lost  unless  he  could  bring  up  his  ships 
from  the  right.  Hastily  scrawling  an  order,  he  called  for 
volunteers  to  swim  across  the  boiling  water  under  the  hail 
of  shot  and  shell.  A dozen  sailors  at  once  offered  their 
services,  and  among  them  a cabin  boy. 

‘‘Why,”  said  the  Admiral,  “what  can  you  do,  my  fear- 
less lad?  ” 

“ I can  swim,  sir,”  the  boy  replied;  “ If  I be  shot,  I can 
be  easier  «r>ared  than  anyone  else.” 


OF  NOTED  PEKSONS. 


2i 

Narborougli  hesitated.  His  men  were  few,  and  his  posL 
tion  was  desperate.  The  boy  plunged  into  the  sea  amid 
the  cheers  of  the  sailors,  and  was  soon  lost  to  sight.  The 
• battle  raged  fiercer,  and  as  the  time  went  on,  defeat  seemed 
inevitable.  But  just  as  hope  was  fading,  a thundering  can- 
nonade was  heard  from  the  right,  and  the  reserve  were 
seen  bearing  down  upon  the  enemy.  By  sunset  the 
Dutch  fieet  were  scattered  far  and  wide,  and  the  cabin  boy, 
the  hero  of  the  hour,  was  called  in  to  receive  the  honor  due 
him.  His  modesty  and  bearing  so  won  the  heart  of  the 
old  Admiral,  that  he  exclaimed : 

‘‘I  shall  live  to  see  you  have  a fiagship  of  your  own!” 
The  prediction  was  fulfilled  when  the  cabin  boy,  having 
become  Admiral  Cloudsley  Shovel,  was  knighted  by  the 
King. 


Collosal  Fortunes. 

A California  paper  says : During  the  magnificent  reign 

of  Louis  XI Y.  there  was  more  extreme  poverty  in  France 
than  there  is  now  in  all  Europe — Ireland  included.  The 
condition  of  the  emancipated  Hussian  serf  is  far  better  than 
that  of  the  French  or  German  peasant  two  centuries  ago; 
and  within  the  historical  era  there  is  no  record  of  a time 
when  fifty  millions  of  the  common  people  and  poor  were  so 
comfortably  situated  as  the  fifty  millions  who  now  inhabit 
the  United  States. 

But  if  the  condition  of  the  poor  has  improved,  the  pri- 
vate fortunes  of  the  rich  have  so  increased  as  to  utterly 
confound  all  attempts  at  comparison  with  the  rich  men  of 
past  ages.  ‘‘As  rich  as  Croesus”  has  stood  for  an  adage 
these  twenty-three  centuries.  Yet  Crcesus  was  a King  who 
devoted  his  whole  energies  to  the  accpiisition  of  gold ; and 
there  is  good  reason  to  believe,  that  we  have  not  less  than 


22 


ANECDOTES 


half  a dozen  men  and  women  in  this  State,  who  are  richer 
in  gold  and  its  equivalents,  than  this  Lydian  monarch. 
The  richest  man  in  Rome  at  the  time  of  Csesar,  was  Cras- 
sus.  His  fortune  has  been  carefully  estimated  by  several 
historians,  but  never  above  $8,500,000  of  our  money. 
This  is  not  much  more  than  William  II.  Yanderbilt’s 
yearly  income,  and  it  is  more  than  $1,000,000  below  the 
appraisement  of  thefortuneof  the  late  WilliamS.  O’Brien,  of 
San  Francisco.  The  Astor  estate  was  valued  ten  years  ago  at 
$10,000,000.  At  a moderate  rate  of  accretion — say  5 per 
cent — it  must  now  amount  to  $60,000,000.  The  yearly 
income  at  the  same  rate  is  $3,000,000.  This  is  a third 
more  than  the  entire  income  of  the  monarch  of  the  British 
Empire,  and  a good  deal  more  than  the  entire  revenues  o^ 
the  English  Government  250  years  ago.  It  is  asserted, 
that  there  are  eight  or  ten  English  Peers  whose  incomes 
each  exceed  the  allowances  of  Parliament  to  the  Queen, 
and  yet  the  richest  men  in  England  are  commoners.  Half 
a century  ago,  the  reputed  wealthiest  man  in  America  was 
old  Stephen  Girard,  of  Philadelphia.  Ilis  estate  was  ap- 
praised below  $15,000,000.  There  are  probably  now  a 
hundred  private  fortunes  in  the  United  States,  each  greater 
than  Girard’s,  and  half  a dozen  more  than  twice  as  great. 
In  the  purchasing  power  of  money  the  ancients  had  the  ad- 
vantage. A dollar  would  buy  more  a thousand  years  ago 
than  five  will  now.  Forty  years  back,  a man  who  had 
$100,000  was  rated  as  quite  rich,  and  one  of  $500,000  phe- 
nomenal. The  latter  class  were  not  as  numerous  in  this 
country  as  those  of  $500,000  are  now. 

Of  course,  there  is  not  gold  and  silver  enough  in  the 
world  to  represent  the  aggregate  of  these  little  private  for. 
tunes,  nor  a tithe  of  them.  They  are  invested  in  lands, 
houses,  government,  railway,  bank,  mining,  and  other 
stocks.  The  national  bonds  of  England,  France  and  the 


OF  NOTED  PERSONS.  23 

United  States,  cover  nearly  ten  thousand  millions,  and  the 
railway  securities  of  the  United  States  alone  cover  nearly 
five  thousand  millions.  The  largest  private  landed  estates 
are  held  in  Spanish  America,  Mexico,  Russia,  England  and 
the  United  States,  hut  the  largest  of  all  in  the  latter 
country,  and  by  corporations.  It  is  thought — and  justly — 
a great  hardship  to  the  common  people  of  England  and  Scot- 
land, that  the  Duke  of  Sutherland  should  own  over  1,200,“ 
000  acres,  and  many  other  prominent  nobles  more  than 
100,000  each.  But  there  is  one  corporation  in  this  country 
that  has  been  granted  49,000,000  acres,  and  then  48,000,- 
000;  and  two  others,  represented  by  less  than  ten  men, 
25,000,000  acres.  At  the  time  that  Henry  YIII.  confis- 
cated the  estates  of  the  Roman  Catholic  Church  in  his 
dominions,  they  did  not  amount  to  a tenth  as  many  acres 
as  the  grant  of  Congress  to  the  ISTorthern  Pacific  Railroad; 
but  they  were  enough  to  lay  the  foundations  of  the  richest 
nobility  in  the  world,  and  their  revenues  to-day  can  hardly 
be  less  than  $120,000,000.  Reasoning  from  history  and 
analogy,  the  most  stupendous  private  fortunes  in  the 
United  States  during  the  next  fifty  years  will  be  realized 
from  the  enormous  land  grants,  now  hardly  worth  $2.50  an 
acre,  but  hereafter  as  surely  to  be  worth  from  $50  to  $100 
as  a dollar  is  worth  100  cents.  A corporation  whose  land 
grant  covers,  say  20,000,000  acres,  and  whose  stock  is  to 
the  extent  of  90  per  cent  in  the  hands  of,  say  ten  persons, 
if  it  can  hold  on  to  its  lands  for  twenty  or  thirty  years  free 
from  taxes,  will  have  a property  in  land  worth  anywhere 
from  $400,000,000  to  $2,000,000,000,  or  $30,000,000  to 
$360,000,000  for  each  of  its  principal  stockholders.  These 
figures,  though  tliey  at  first  thouglit  seem  to  run  into  tlio 
region  of  fable,  are  not  much  more  astounding  than  the 
.exploits  of  tho  Yanderbilts,  Astors,  and  Packards  already 
realized.  The  great  landed  estates  of  England  are  pro- 


24 


ANECDOTES 


tected  by  laws  of  entail  and  primogeniture,  forbidden  in 
the  United  States. 


Huxley  to  the  Boys. 

In  his  address  before  the  students  of  University  College, 
London,  among  other  good  things  Professor  Huxley  said : 

Upon  whatever  career  you  may  enter,  intellectual  quick- 
ness, industry  and  the  power  of  bearing  fatigue,  are  three 
great  advantages.  But  I want  to  impress  upon  you,  and 
through  you  upon  those  who  will  direct  your  future  course, 
the  conviction  which  I entertain,  that,  as  a general  rule,  the 
relative  importance  of  these  three  qualifications  is  not 
rightly  estimated,  and  that  there  are  other  qualities  of  no 
less  value  which  are  not  directly  tested  by  school  competi- 
tion. A somewhat  varied  experience  of  men,  has  led  me, 
the  longer  I live,  to  set  the  less  value  upon  mere  clever- 
ness ; to  attach  more  and  more  importance  to  industry  and 
to  physical  endurance.  Indeed,  I am  much  disposed  to 
think,  that  endurance  is  the  most  valuable  quality  of  all; 
for  industry,  as  the  desire  to  work  hard,  does  not  come  to 
much  if  a feeble  frame  is  unable  to  respond  to  the  desire. 
Everybody  wdio  has  had  to  make  liis  way  in  the  world, 
must  know  that,  while  the  occasion  for  intellectual  effort  of 
a high  order  is  rare,  it  constantly  happens  that  a man’s 
future  turns  upon  his  being  able  to  stand  a sudden  and 
heavy  strain  upon  his  powers  of  endurance. 

To  a lawj^er,  physician  or  a merchant,  it  may  be  every- 
thing to  be  able  to  work  sixteen  hours  a day  for  as  long  as 
is  needful,  without  knocking  up.  Moreover,  the  patience, 
tenacity  and  good  liumor  which  are  among  the  most  im- 
portant qualifications  for  dealing  with  men,  are  incompati- 
ble with  an  irritable  brain,  a weak  stomach  or  a defective 
circulation.  If  any  one  of  you  prize-winners  were  a son  of 


OF  NOTED  PERSONS. 


25 


mine  (as  might  have  been  the  case,  I am  glad  to  think,  on 
former  occasions),  and  a good  fairy  were  to  offer  to  equip 
him  according  to  my  wishes  for  the  battle  of  practical  life, 
I should  say:  I do  not  care  to  trouble  you  for  any  more 

cleverness;  put  in  as  much  industry  as  you  can  instead; 
and  oh ! if  you  please,  a broad,  deep  chest  and  a stomach 
of  whose  existence  he  shall  never  know  anything.”  I 
should  be  well  content  with  the  prospects  of  a fellow  so 
endowed 


The  Last  Words  of  Distinguished  Persons. 

Queen  Elizajbeth,  at  the  end  of  a most  prosperous 
reign,  begun  amid  dangers  and  many  difficulties,  that  were 
overcome  by  bold  measures  and  prudent  councils,  died 
exclaiming:  ‘‘All  my  possessions  for  a moment  of  time ! ” 

George  IV.  met  death  with  almost  a jest  U]Don  his  lips. 
Turning  to  Sir  Waltren  Waller,  on  whose  arm  he  leaned, 
he  said:  “Whatty,  what  is  this?  It  is  death,  by  boy, 

and  they  have  deceived  us.”  The  Danish  sovereign,  Fred- 
erick V.,  greatly  beloved  by  his  subjects,  cried  : “There 

is  not  a drop  of  blood  on  my  hands,”  as  he  passed  away. 
Henry  VIII.,  who  had  altered  the  whole  course  of  monas- 
tic life,  in  England,  exclaims*.  ‘ ‘ Monks ! Monks ! Monks ! ’ ’ 
Edward  VI.,  the  wan  boy-king,  with  his  fast-fading  eyes, 
commended  his  soul  to  God:  “Lord,  take  my  spirit;” 

and  Cromwell,  as  he  listened  to  the  discourse  of  tliose 
about  him,  said:  “Then  I am  safe,”  and  was  silent 

forever. 

The  last  word  of  Charles  I.  on  the  scaffold,  to  Arch- 
bishop Juxon,  was,  “Kemember,”  referring  to  liis  desire 
that  his  son  Cliarles  should  forgive  liis  father’s  murderers. 
Ann  Boleyn,  in  tlie  same  terrible  situation,  clasped  her  fair 
neck,  saying,  “ It  is  small,  very  small ; ” and  Sir  Thomas 


26 


ANECDOTES 


More,  as  he  yielded  himself  to  the  executioner,  said,  with 
sorry  wit,  ‘‘For  my  coming  down,  let  me  shift  for  myself.” 
Joan  of  Arc,  at  the  stalce,  ended  her  eventful,  stormy  life 
with  our  Savior’s  name  upon  her  lips,  as  brave  as  Gen- 
eral Wolfe,  who,  dying  in  the  midst  of  victory  on  the 
battlefield,  and  hearing  of  the  enemy’s  retreat,  cried, 
“What,  do  they  run  already?  Then  I die  happy;”  or 
Sir  Philip  Sidney,  after  he  had  relinquished  the  draught 
of  water  to  a humbler  comrade,  though  parched  with 
thirst,  turned  him  round  to  die,  saying,  “Let  be  behold 
the  end  of  this  world  with  all  its  vanities.” 

Mirabeau  desired  to  die  while  delicious  strains  of  music 
floated  on  the  air,  but  his  last  utterance  was  a demand  for 
laudanum  to  drown  pain  and  consciousness.  Mozart’s  last 
words  were : “Let  me  hear  once  more  those  notes,  so  long 

my  solace  and  delight;”  but  Ilaydn,  forgetful  of  his  art, 
cried:  “God  preserve  my  Emperor.”  Alfieri’s  sympa- 

thetic nature  displayed  itself  in  the  words  ‘ ‘ Clasp  my  hand, 
dear  friend,  I die;”  Goethe  cries  “Light,  more  light;” 
Tasso,  “Ai  tuosmanus^  Domine\'''*  Byron,  “Come,  come, 
no  weakness:  let’s  be  a man  to  the  last;  I must  sleep 
now.”  And  those  who  saw  his  embalmed  body  in  1824, 
when  brought  to  England  from  Missolonghi  in  the  Florida 
and  removed  to  Sir  Edward  Knatchbull’s  house  in  Great 
George  street,  where  the  cofiin  was  opened,  describe  the 
face  as  of  marble  whiteness,  the  expression  that  of  stern 
quietude,  lying  wrapped  in  his  blue  cloth  cloak,  the  throat 
and  head  uncovered,  crisp,  curling  locks  slightly  streaked 
with  gray,  clustering  over  the  temples ; the  profile  of  ex- 
ceeding beauty.  Boileau  congratulated  himself,  as  he 
closed  his  eyes  upon  this  world,  upon  the  purity  of  his 
works,  saying : “ It  is  a great  consolation  to  a poet  about 
to  die,  that  he  has  never  written  anything  injurious  to 


OF  NOTED  PERSONS. 


27 


virtue;’’  and  Sir  Walter  Scott,  little  thinking  his  end  so 
near,  said : “I  feel  as  if  I were  myself  again.” 

Dr.  Johnson,  the  rough,  kind  heart,  who  loved  a good 
hater,  died  as  he  said  to  Miss  Morris,  ‘‘  God  bless  you,  my 
dear.”  Washington,  dying  at  Mount  Yernon,  cried,  “It 
is  well.”  Franklin’s  last  words  were:  “A  dying  man 

can  do  nothing  easily.”  Mme.  de  Stael,  whose  sorest  trial 
was  her  enforced  absence  from  her  native  land,  died  saying: 
“I  have  loved  my  God,  my  father,  and  my  liberty.” 
Hannah  More’s  last  words  were  “ Patty — joy Grotius, 
“Be  serious;”  Haller,  “The  artery  ceases  to  beat;” 
Adams,  “Independence  forever;”  Jefferson,  “I  resign 
my  soul  to  God,  my  daughter  to  my  country  ;”  Locke,  to 
Lady  Masham,  who  was  reading  the  Psalms,  ‘ ‘ Cease  now ; ’ ’ 
and  poor  Lamb,  after  the  most  self-sacrificing  existence, 
wrote  his  last  words  to  a friend,  “My  bedfellows  are  cramp 
and  cough ; we  three  sleep  in  a bed.” 

Bishop  Broughton’s  last  words  are  “Let  tlie  earth  be 
filled  with  His  glory;”  Archbishop  Sharp,  “I  shall  be 
happy;”  Bishop  Ken,  “God’s  will  be  done;”  Farrar, 
Cranmer,  Hooper,  and  George  Herbert,  “Lord,  receive 
my  spirit,”  and  these  are  but  a few  of  many  such  utter- 
ances. The  Prince  Consort  confirmed  the  impression  that 
prevails,  that  the  dying  have  sometimes  a foretaste  of 
coming  happiness.  “I  have  such  sweet  thoughts”  were 
the  last  words  of  a most  noble  life. 


Napoleon  I.  and  Talma. 

Under  the  Consulate,  Talma  used  to  go  once  a week  to 
the  Tuileries,  to  be  present  at  tlio  breakfast  of  Bona})arte. 
Ho  thought  it  proper  to  discontinue  his  visits  when  tho 
First  Consul  became  Emperor.  Tlio  latter  did  not  fail  to 
perceive  his  absence,  and  spoke  of  it  to  Begnault  do  Saint- 


28 


ANECDOTES 


Jean-d’Angely.  “I  no  longer  see  Talma,”  he  said  to 
him.  “Is  he,  too,  sulking?  Does  he  mean  to  play 
Brutus?  It  is  one  of  his  best  parts  on  the  stage,  it  is 
true.”  These  words  were  repeated  to  Talma,  who  knew 
that  the  desire  of  Xapoleon  was  equivalent  to  an  order. 
Accordingly,  one  morning  he  went  to  the  Tuileries,  irre- 
proachably clad  in  the  new  court  costume : brown  cloth 
coat  lined  with  white  satin,  black  silk  breeches,  shoes  with 
small  gold  buckle,  a hat  and  feather,  and  a sword  with  a 
finely-chiseled  steel  hilt.  Just  as  they  were  sitting  down 
to  the  table,  Napoleon  openly  showed  his  satisfaction  at 
seeing  Talma;  and,  when  breakfast  was  over,  he  made  a 
sign  to  him  to  follow  him  into  his  cabinet.  “I  recognize 
your  habitual  tact,”  said  Napoleon,  “and  I am  obliged  to 
you.  You  have  understood  that  it  was  your  duty  to  pre- 
sent yourself  before  the  Emperor.  Be  assured  that  you 
will  always  find  in  me  the  man  of  the  past.  I shall  have 
even  greater  pleasure  in  returning  to  those  chats  in  which 
you  spoke  to  me  of  my  destinies.  You  were  the  first. 
Talma,  I remember,  to  discover  my  star.  I did  not  know 
you  were  such  a good  astronomer.  ’ ’ 

Another  time  Napoleon  said  laughingly  to  Talma,  who 
henceforth  did  not  discontinue  his  visits : “Do  you  know 

what  I have  just  been  told  ? People  say  that  you  are  giv- 
ing me  lessons  in  deportment ; yes,  that  you  are  teaching 
me  my  trade  of  Emperor.”  “I,  sire?”  said  Talma, 
disconcerted.  “I  confess  that  I could  not  have  a better 
professor.”  “Sire,  you  are  joking.”  “No,”  replied 
Napoleon;  “but  let  us  talk  of  something  else.  Yester- 
day you  played  ‘ La  Mort  de  Pompee.  ’ I was  in  my 
box.”  “And  I redoubled  my  elforts  to  satisfy  your 
Majesty.”  “"Well,  you ' only  half-succeeded,  my  dear 
Talma!”  “What,  sire?”  “Yes,  since  you  pass  for 
giving  me  lessons  in  Poyalty,  I want  in  return  to  give  you 


OF  NOTED  PERSONS. 


29 


a lesson  in  tragedy.  You  fatigue  your  arms  too  much. 
The  leaders  of  Empires  are  less  prodigal  of  their  move- 
ments ; they  know  that  a gesture,  a glance,  is  an  order ; 
thenceforward,  they  spare  both  gestures  and  glances. 
There  is  also  a verse,  the  sense  of  which  has  escaped 
you.”  Talma  became  all  attention.  ‘‘  It  is  this  one : 

‘Pour  moi  qui  tiens  le  trone  egal  a I'infamie.’ 

Cmar  there  does  not  say  all  that  he  thinks.  The  great 
battles  that  he  fought  did  not  give  him  the  sovereign 
power  to  make  him  despise  it.  But  he  needs  to  flatter  the 
old  idea  of  Republican  Rome,  and  not  to  wound  the  feel- 
ings of  the  soldiers  who  are  listening  to  him.  Do  not 
make  Cmar  talk  like  Brutus.  'VYhen  Brutus  says  that  he 
has  a horror  of  Kings,  he  is  sincere ; but  the  other  is  not. 
Mark  this  difierence.”  Talma’s  reply  is  not  recorded. 
But  it  is  intelligible,  that  Voltaire’s  verse  was  a hard 
morsel  for  the  Emperor. 


A Chat  with  Gustav  Dore. 

A Paris  correspondent  of  the  Philadelphia  Telegraph 
gives  the  following  interesting  interview  with  the  cele- 
brated Gustav  Dore : lie  was  eleven  years  old,  he  told 

me,  when  he  made  his  first  drawing  for  publication,  but 
his  first  actual  work,  a set  of  caricatures  of  the  ‘‘  Labors  of 
Hercules,”  was  produced  wlien  he  was  thirteen.  At  the 
age  of  fifteen  he  was  a regular  contributor  to  a host  of 
cheap  illustrated  publications  “in  France,  Germany,  Rus- 
sia, Poland,  and  I know  not  where  else  beside,”  he  added, 
laughingly.  Two  years  later  he  issued  his  “Wandering 
Jew,”  probably  the  most  remarkable  series  of  illustrations 
ever  conceived  and  executed  by  a boy  of  seventeen.  In 
those  early  days  lie  used  to  make  sometimes  as  many  as 
direo  or  four  drawings  a day,  for  each  of  which  ho  charged 


30 


ANECDOTES 


5 francs.  It  was  the  period  of  cheap  novels,  issued  in 
numbers,  in  newspaper  form,  at  10  and  12  cents  the  num- 
ber, and  his  facile  pencil  was  called  into  play  to  illustrate 
the  works  of  writers  long  ago  forgotten,  such  as  Alphonse 
Brot,  the  bibliophile  Jacob,  etc.  Sometimes  he  was  not 
paid  for  his  work — often  it  was  not  even  signed.  Then 
again  he  would  execute  a series  of  drawings  for  some  pub- 
lication that  would  perish  before  reaching  half  a dozen 
numbers,  and  so  his  work  would  be  lost.  I told  him  of  an 
American  admirer  who  once  tried  to  form  a collection  of 
these  earlier  efforts  of  his  genius.  He  laughed  at  the  idea, 
and  said  that  to  form  anything  like  a complete  one  would 
be  impossible,  as  he  did  not  possess  one  himself,  nor  would 
it  be  possible  to  find  many  of  the  light,  ephemeral  publica- 
tions in  which  they  had  appeared.  “Moreover,”  he  said, 

‘ ‘ there  are  too  many  of  them.  In  the  first  eleven  years 
of  my  artistic  career,  I must  have  produced,  not  hundreds, 
but  thousands  of  illustrations.” 

He  then  spoke  of  one  of  his  earliest  works,  a “Comic 
History  of  Bussia,  ” namely,  a series  of  caricatures  published 
during  the  Crimean  war,  and  afterward  prohibited  by  the 
Government.  This  work  has  become  extremely  rare,  so 
much  so  that  Dore  only  possesses  one  copy  of  it  himself, 
and  that  is  in  a very  bad  condition.  ‘ ‘ I wish,  ’ ’ said  I,  “ M. 
Dore,  that  you  would  make  an  exhibition  of  your  collected 
works.”  “Madam,”  he  replied,  laughing,  “they  would 
reach  from  here  to  Yincennes  if  they  were  set  side  by  side ; 
I would  have' to  engage  the  Palais  de  1’ Industrie  to  hold 
my  exhibition  in.  ” He  then  told  me  that  he  had,  in  his 
possession,  whole  boxes  full  of  unpublished  illustrations 
and  completed  drawings  that  have  never  yet  been  shown 
to  the  public. 

Some  joking  remark  was  made  respecting  tke  great 
artist’s  persistent  celibacy.  “Ah,”  he  replied,  “I  have 


OF  NOTED  PERSONS. 


31 


been  too  lazy  to  marry,  and  now  I am  too  old — I am  forty. 
Besides,  I have  been  so  bappy  in  my  family  relations  that 
I have  had  no  inclination  for  matrimony.”  He  alluded,  I 
believe,  to  his  mother,  who  is  still  living  and  to  whom  he 
has  always  been  tenderly,  devoted.  From  something  that 
he  let  fall,  I was  led  to  imagine  that  he  has  a vague  idea  of 
visiting  the  United  States  at  no  very  distant  date,  and  that 
a series  of  illustrations  of  American  life  would  be  the 
result  of  his  journey  did  he  ever  undertake  it.  Niagara 
and  the  wonderful  scenery  of  the  Yellowstone  would  afford 
congenial  subjects  for  his  pencil. 


Thurlow  Weed’s  Stories  of  Horace  Greeley. 

Thurlow  Weed  narrates  the  following  concerning  him- 
self and  Horace  Greeley  : — “We  were  the  best  of  friends 
for  fourteen  or  fifteen  years.  How  well  I remember  when 
I first  met  him.  I should  think  it  was  in  1839,  perhaps. 
He  had  been  printing  the  New  Yorker  for  a year  or  two, 
and  I had  read  it  with  great  interest.  It  was  bright, 
aggressive,  and  able,  and  a strong  tariff  paper.  We  in 
Albany  wanted  a campaign  paper,  and  I came  down  to  see 
if  I couldn’t  get  this  New  Yorker  man  to  run  it.  I found 
the  office,  and  went  in  and  inquired  for  the  editor,  of  a tall, 
verdant-looking  fellow  who  was  setting  type  at  a case.  ‘ I 
am  the  editor,’  he  said.  I was  a little  surprised,  but  I in- 
troduced myself,  and  told  him  I wanted  to  speak  with  him 
about  State  politics.  He  wore  no  coat,  and  his  shirt-sleeves 
were  rolled  up ; and  I well  remember  how  he  leaned  one 
elbow  on  the  case,  half-turned  around  and  said,  ‘All  right 
— go  ahead.’  I told  him  I would  like  to  see  him  alone; 
when  he  laid  down  his  composing-stick,  and  we  went 
around  and  sat  on  some  boxes  while  I revealed  my  ])lan. 
The  upshot  of  it  was,  that  we  hired  liini  to  go  to  Albany 


32 


ANECDOTES 


two  days  in  every  week,  to  edit  the  new  Jeffersonian  as  a 
campaign  paper,  while  he  continued  to  run  his  New  Yorker. 

He  was  one  of  the  most  faithful,  honest,  industrious 
men  I ever  met  in  my  life.  We  became  very  much  at- 
tached to  each  other.  He  always  stayed  at  my  house  when  he 
came  to  Albany,  every  week  through  all  that  year  or  more. 
I respected  and  esteemed  him  so  highly  that  my  regard 
grew  into  a real  affection  for  him.  We  continued  warm 
and  confidential  friends  for  many  years.” 

“He  possessed  political  ambition,  and  it  ruined  him. 
Hone  of  his  friends  suspected  him  of  it  at  that  time.  He 
concealed  it  wonderfully,  or  else  it  had  not  then  developed. 
I was  drawn  so  strongly  to  him  because  I thought  he  was 
like  myself,  only  a great  deal  better.  I never  had  any  am- 
bition to  hold  office.  I had  an  ambition  to  be  infiuential, 
and  to  help  the  State  to  improve  the  quality  of  its  public 
servants,  but  not  to  hold  office  myself. 

“ Greeley  was  a powerful  man — one  of  the  most  talented 
men  this  country  ever  produced  ; he  was,  also,  one  of  the 
purest.  His  extraordinary  ability,  purity,  and  industry 
made  him  invincible  against  every  foe  but  ambition.  We 
had  often  talked  of  office-holding,  and  warned  each  other 
against  it.  But,  just  before  the  State  Convention  of  1853, 
he  came  to  Albany  and  said  to  me:  ‘Weed,  I’d  like  to 

be  Governor.  ’ I told  him  I was  sorry,  for  I doubted  if  he 
could  be  nominated.  He  said,  ‘ You  don’t  think  the  Whig 
party  can  afford  to  ignore  the  temperance  question  this 
year,  do  you?’  I said  no, — I thought  we  should  have  to 
nominate  some  temperance  man. 

“ ‘ Then  why  not  me  V he  asked.  ‘Because  you  will  be 
thought  too  ultra,’  I answered.  ‘You  have  beaten  the 
bush,  and  Myron  Clark  will  catch  the  hare.’  He  looked 
disappointed,  but  he  thought  he  could  be  nominated. 

“In  a few  days,  when  it  was  pretty  certain  that  Clark 


OF  NOTED  PEKSONS. 


33 


would  get  the  place,  he  came  again  and  said:  ‘Weed, 

I’d  like  to  be  Lieutenant-Governor.’  I told  him  that  I 
didn’t  believe  he  could  get  that,  either.  It  would  be 
overloading  the  ticket, — too  much  temperance.  Besides, 

I told  him  that  Raymond  would  get  the  place.  That  was* 
the  last  feather  that  broke  the  camel’s  back.  It  was  a ter- 
rible blow  to  him.  To  be  beaten  by  Raymond,  whom  he 
had  nourished  and  warmed  into  life,  and  taught  the  busi- 
ness of  newspaper-making, — ^he  couldn’t  stand  that.  He 
was  greatly  grieved.  And  he  laid  it  to  me, — wrong- 
fully. He  hardly  ever  spoke  to  me  after  that.  We 
were  strangers  for  years.  Then,  when  I was  sick  in 
’59,  Greeley  came  to  see  me,  and  we  resumed  somewhat 
our  former  relations.  In  his  last  sickness  I called  to  see 
him,  but  I was  some  time  in  finding  him,  and,  when  I at 
last  ascertained  where  he  was,  they  refused  me  admission. 
I was  sorry.  I wanted  to  see  him  once  more  very  much. 
He  was  one  of  the  purest,  most  generous,  and  kindest 
men  I had  ever  met.” 


An  Anecdote  of  Gladstone. 

The  man  is  more  interesting,  says  a writer,  than  any  of 
the  parts  he  has  been  called  to  play,  but  we  come  to  under- 
stand the  man  better  by  seeing  how  he  shapes  and  molds 
these  parts.  As  an  orator,  his  conspicuous  merits,  besides 
his  striking  countenance,  dignified  action,  and  a voice  full, 
rich,  and  admirably  modulated,  are  fertility  and  readiness. 
He  seems  to  have  always  at  command  an  inexhaustible 
store  of  ideas,  reasons,  illustrations,  whatever  bo  the 
subject  which  he  is  required  to  deal  with.  Of  all  great 
English  speakers,  probably  no  one,  not  even  William  Pitt, 
has  been  so  independent  of  preparation.  Even  Fox,  swift 
and  rushing  as  he  was,  was  great  only  in  reply,  when  his 


34 


ANECDOTES 


feelings  were  heated  by  the  atmosphere  of  battle,  whereas 
Mr.  Gladstone  is  just  as  animated  and  forcible  in  an  open- 
ing, or  in  a purely  ornamental  and  uncontentious  harangue, 
as  in  the  midst  of  parliamentary  strife. 

Of  the  many  anecdotes  that  are  current,  illustrating  his 
amazing  power  of  rising  to  an  occasion,  one  may  be  given 
which  has  the  merit  of  being  true:  On  the  afternoon 

when  he  was  to  make  an  important  motion  in  the  House  of 
Commons,  a friend,  happening  to  call  on  him  between 
two  and  three  o’clock,  found  him  just  sitting  down  to  make 
some  notes  of  the  coming  speech.  He  laid  aside  his  pen 
and  talked  for  a while,  then  jotted  down  a few  heads  on 
paper,  went  down  to  the  House  before  four  o’clock,  found 
himself  drawn  into  a preliminary  controversy  of  a very 
trying  nature,  in  which  he  had  to  repel  so  many  questions 
and  attacks  that  it  was  past  six  before  he  rose  to  make  the 
great  speech.  He  then  discovered  that,  as  he  had  left  his 
eye-glasses  at  home,  his  notes  were  practically  useless,  put 
them  quietly  back  into  his  coat  pocket,  and  delivered  with 
no  aid  to  his  memory,  and  upon  that  one  hour’s  prepara- 
ation,  a powerful  argument  interspersed  with  passages  of 
wonderful  passion  and  pathos,  which  lasted  for  three  hours, 
and  will  always  rank  among  his  finest  efforts. 


We  well  remember,  says  a writer  in  Chambers^  Journal^ 
the  first  time  we  saw  the  German  Emperor.  Keturning 
one  day  from  a walk,  we  observed  a crowd  of  people  in  the 
promenade,  standing  at  a short  distance  trom,  and  watching 
an  elderly  gentleman  talking  to  a pretty  girl.  The  girl 
kept  courtesying  backwards,  retreating  a step  each  time. 
The  Emperor  William — for  he  it  was — followed  her  up, 
making  believe  to  bore  a hole  at  her  with  his  walking-stick. 


Stories  of  the  German  Emperor. 


OF  NOTED  PEESONS. 


35 


Another  day,  a large  party  of  school-boys,  headed  by 
their  master,  arrived  at  Ems  to  spend  a holiday.  After 
exploring  the  town  and  drinking  the  waters,  they  came 
trooping  along  the  covered  colonnade,  which  forms  one 
side  of  the  Restaurant  Gardens,  and  which  is  itself  lined 
with  stalls  belonging  to  the  larger  shops  in  the  town. 
The  Emperor,  walking  quietly  along  in  the  opposite  direc- 
tion, accosted  the  foremost  boys,  saying : 

“ What  brought  you  here,  my  lads  ? ” 

“We  came  to  spend  a holiday  and  to  see  the  Emperor,” 
promptly  replied  their  spokesman. 

‘ ‘ To  see  the  Emperor ! Then  have  a good  look  at  him,  ” 
rejoined  the  monarch,  turning  himself  round  back  and 
front.  “I  am  the  Emperor!”  And  forthwith  he  took 
the  delighted  boys  to  a book-stall  close  by,  and  presented 
each  of  them  with  a photograph  of  himself. 

One  morning,  there  was  considerable  excitement  at  the 
Tier  Zeitung^  waiters  rushing  in  all  directions,  and  Herr 
Iluyn,  our  little  host,  looking  fussy  and  all-important. 
We  inquired  the  cause,  and  were  told  that  the  Emperor 
was  expected  in  the  afternoon  to  call  upon  some  ladies  of 
high  rank,  who  were  staying  at  the  hotel.  A huge  roll  of 
new  carpet,  which  had  just  been  brought  in,  was  to  be  laid 
down  on  the  grand  staircase,  and  flowers  were  to  be  scat- 
tered in  profusion  everywhere.  All  the  forenoon,  poor 
little  Ilerr  was  in  a pitiable  state.  He  did  not  like  to  lay 
down  his  beautiful  carpet,  and  have  its  freshness  sullied  by 
the  numerous  feet  passing  continually  up  and  down  the 
grand  staircase ; and  yet  he  was  in  considerable  fright 
lest  he  might  not  have  all  ready  in  time  when  the  Emperor 
should  be  seen  approaching.  AVaiters,  acting  as  scouts, 
were  continually  running  in  and  out,  and  peering  up  and 
down  the  street.  It  was  a never-ending  refrain  of  “lister 
Anne,  sister  Anne,  do  you  see  anyone  coining?  ” 


36 


AI^ECDOTES 


At  last,  a horror-stricken  waiter  came  rushing  from  the 
corridor  above  us,  exclaiming : 

‘‘The  Emperor  is  here!  He  is  at  this  moment  in  the 
salon  of  Madame  la  Princesse  I ” 

Ilerr  IIu jn  stood  aghast.  ‘ ‘ How  did'  he  get  there  ? 
When  did  he  come  ? ” 

Alas!  it  was  discovered  that  the  Emperor,  coming 
-quietly  and  unattended,  had  turned  in  at  the  entry  to  the 
baths,  gone  up  an  uncarpeted  back  staircase  leading  from 
the  court,  inquired  his  way  from  the  astonished  servant  to 
the  Princess’  rooms,  and  so  stolen  a march  on  our  poor 
<;restfallen  little  host. 

There  was  nothing  now  to  be  done  but  carry  carpet  and 
flowers  to  the  back  staircase,  and  spread  the  one  and  scat- 
ter the  other  as  rapidly  as  possible.  This  done,  Herr 
Huyn  ke])t  guard  at  the  foot  of  the  stairs,  still  uneasy  lest, 
through  a combination  of  untoward  circumstances,  the 
Emperor  might  now  make  his  exit  by  the  front  entrance, 
and  so,  after  all,  never  know  of  the  preparations  made  to 
do  him  honor.  However,  at  last  he  was  heard  approach- 
ing, accompanied  by  the  Princess.  At  once  noticing  the 
change,  he  inquired : 

“For  whom  has  all  this  trouble  been  gone  to ? ” 

“For  you,  sir!”  returned  little  Herr  Huyn,  reverently. 

“Alas!”  said  the  Emperor,  “it  is  a pity  to  leave  such 
lovely  flowers  to  be  trodden  on  by  an  old  man  like  me.” 
And  stooping,  he  selected  some  of  the  most  beautiful,  and 
presented  them  to  the  Princess,  and  then  fastened  a blos- 
som in  his  own  coat.  Such  was  the  graceful  acknowledge- 
ment he  made  to  Herr  Huyn,  and  by  such  simple  acts  did 
he  daily  endear  himself  to  his  people. 


OF  NOTED  PERSONS. 


o7 


Col.  Ingersoll  on  Intemperance. 

Intemperance  cuts  down  youth  in  its  vigor,  manhood 
in  its  strength,  and  age  in  its  weakness.  It  breaks  the 
father’s  heart,  bereaves  the  doting  mother,  extinguishes 
natural  affections,  erases  conjugal  love,  blots  filial  attach- 
ments, blights  parental  hope,  and  brings  down  mourning 
age  in  sorrow  to  the  grave.  It  makes  wives  wfidows,  chil- 
dren orphans,  fathers  fiends,  and  all  of  them  paupers  and 
beggars.  It  feeds  rheumatism,  arouses  gout,  welcomes 
epidemics,  invites  cholera,  imports  pestilence,  and  em- 
braces consumption.  It  covers  the  land  with  idleness  and 
crime.  It  fills  your  jails,  supplies  your  almshouses,  and 
demands  your  asylums.  It  engenders  controversies,  fos- 
ters quarrels,  and  cherishes  riot.  It  crowds  your  peniten- 
tiaries, and  furnishes  victims  for  the  scaffolds.  It  is  the 
boon  of  the  gambler,  the  element  of  the  burglar,  the  prop 
of  the  highwayman,  and  the  support  of  a midnight  incen- 
diary. It  countenances  the  liar,  respects  the  thief,  esteems 
the  blasphemer.  It  violates  obligations,  reverences  fraud, 
and  honors  infamy.  It  hates  love,  scorns  virtue,  and 
slanders  innocence — incites  the  father  to  butcher  liis  lielp- 
less  off-spring,  and  the  child  to  grind  the  parental  age.  It 
burns  up  men,  consumes  women,  detests  life,. curses  God 
and  hates  heaven.  It  suborns  witnesses,  nurses  perfidy, 
defiles  the  jury  box  and  judicial  ermine.  It  bribes  votes, 
disqualifies  voters,  corrupts  elections,  pollutes  our  institu- 
tions, and  endangers  government.  It  degrades  tlie  citi- 
zens, debases  tlie  legislature,  dishonors  the  statesman,  and 
disarms  the  patriot.  It  brings  shame,  not  lionor;  terror, 
not  safety;  despair,  not  hope;  misery,  not  ha])piness  ; and 
with  the  malevolence  of  a fiend,  it  calndy  surveys  its 
frightful  desolation,  and  unsatisfied  with  liavoc,  it  kills 
peace,  poisons  felicity,  ruins  morals,  blights  confidence, 
slays  reputation,  and  wipes  out  national  lionor,  then  curses 


38 


ANECDOTES 


the  world  and  laughs  at  its  ruin.  It  does  that  and  more 
— it  murders  the  soul. 


A Reminiscence  of  Gen.  Scott. 

One  evening  during  the  early  days  of  our  ‘‘late  un- 
pleasantness” there  was  to  be  an  exhibition  of  Grammar 
School  Ho.  44:,  in  Hew  York  City.  I arrived  late  at  the 
school  building  and  found  several  distinguished-looking 
visitors  on  the  platform  of  the  hall.  Among  them  there 
was  one  whom  I at  once  recognized  by  the  portraits  I had 
seen  of  him — it  was  Major-General  Scott,  the  hero  of  the 
Mexican  war.  lie  was  in  full  regimentals,  and  sat  in  an 
arm-chair  a little  to  the  right  of  the  center  of  the  stage — 
a very  grand,  large  man,  with  snowy  hair  and  whiskers. 
He  gave  the  most  flattering,  the  most  rapt  attention  to  the 
reading  of  every  composition,  to  all  the  singing,  declama- 
tion— every  exhibition  of  skill,  however  perfectly  or  imper- 
fectly done.  The  presence  of  so  distinguished  a visitor 
stimulated  some  to  do  their  best,  while  it  scared  others 
into  doing  their  very  worst.  It  was  on  the  whole,  how- 
ever, a brilliant  success. 

After  the  exercises,  the  President  of  our  local  board  ol 
school  officers  approached  the  General’s  chair  and  said 
something  to  him.  We  know  he  was  asked  to  make  a 
“ few  remarks,”  and  wondered  if  he  would  consent.  To 
our  great  delight  there  were  evident  signs  of  compliance ; 
the  old  hero  commenced  to  rise.  One  of  the  school  oflicers, 
approaching  his  chair  on  the  opposite  side,  offered  to  assist 
him.  He  declined  assistance,  but  when  the  gentleman 
persisted  and  rnade  an  attempt  to  take  hold  of  his  arm. 
General  Scott  impatiently  and  imperatively  put  him  aside. 
Those  near  the  platform  heard  him  say,  “I  need  no  assist- 
ance— no  assistance — only  give  me  a little  time.”  The 


OF  NOTED  PERSONS. 


39 


process  of  getting  straightened  up  on  the  part  of  the  Gen- 
eral was  very  slow,  but  not  a jerky  or  a trembling  one, 
and  suggested  rather  a rheumatic  infirmity  than  the  stiff- 
ness of  age,  though  he  must  have  been  over  seventy. 
How  immensely  tall  he  seemed  as  lie  stretched  his  majestic 
figure  higher  and  higher  until  he  towered  half  a foot  or 
more  above  the  men  around  him.  Then  he  was  introduced 
to  the  children,  and  the  tumultuous  applause  of  hundreds 
of  small  hands  greeted  him  from  every  part  of  the  immense 
hall.  The  applause  continued  until  the  principal  touched 
the  bell.  The  General  waited  until  the  silence  was  perfect, 
and  then  he  said  in  a clear,  ringing  voice:  ^‘Youths  and 

maidens,”  and  for  over  a half  hour  he  held  forth  in  a 
majestic  simplicity  of  style  never  to  be  forgotten  by  any 
boy  or  girl  who  heard  him,  though  there  was  nothing  very 
remarkable  or  very  original  about  anything  he  said.  He 
praised  and  encouraged  the  pupils  and  aroused  them  to 
new  effort.  He  compared  their  educational  advantages  to 
those  of  other  lands  and  with  those  of  this  country  fifty 
years  ago.  It  was,  in  short,  the  prince  of  what  children 
call  ‘‘goody  speeches.” 


Governor  Andrew’s  Prayer. 

The  memoir  of  Governor  Andrew  which  has  recently 
been  prepared  by  his  friend,  Peleg  W.  Cliandler,  for  the 
Massachusetts  Historical  Society,  contains  the  following 
account  of  a memorable  scene  in  the  official  life  of  the 
great  War  Governor,  which  has  a flavor  of  Cromwell  and 
the  English  Commonwealth  : 

“Among  the  Governor’s  friends  was  a young  merchant 
of  Boston,  and  I will  let  him  tell  the  story  in  his  own  way: 

‘ It  was  in  the  summer  of  1802,  when  eniancij)ation  was 
being  talked  a great  deal.  We  had  not  liad  any  great 


40 


ANECDOTES 


successes,  and  everybody  had  a notion  that  emancipation 
ought  to  come.  One  day  the  Governor  sent  for  me  to  come 
up  to  the  State  House.  I went  up  to  his  room,  and  I shall 
never  forget  how  I met  him.  He  was  signing  some  kind 
of  bonds,  standing  at  a tall  desk  m the  Council  Chamber, 
in  his  shirt-sleeves,  his  fingers  all  covered  with  ink.  He 
said  ‘ ‘ How  do  you  do  ? I want  you  to  go  to  W ashington.  ’ ’ 
“Why,  Governor,”  said  I,  “I  can’t  go  to  Washington 
on  any  such  notice  as  this.  I am  busy,  and  it  is  impossible 
for  me  to  go.”  “All  my  folks  are  serving  their  country,” 
said  he,  and  he  mentioned  the  various  services  the  mem- 
bers of  his  stalf  were  engaged  in,  and  said  with*  emphasis, 

‘ ‘ Somebody  must  go  to  W ashington.  ” “ W ell.  Governor, 

I don’t  see  how  I can.”  Said  he,  “I  command  you  to  go.” 
“Well,”  said  I,  “ Governor,  put  it  in  that  way,  and  I shall 
go,  of  course.”  “There  is  something  going  on,”  he 
remarked.  “This  is  a momentous  time.”  He  turned 
suddenly  towards  me  and  said,  “You  believe  in  prayer, 
don’t  you?”  I said,  “Why,  of  course.”  “Then  let  us 
pray,”  and  he  knelt  right  down  at  the  chair  that  was 
placed  there ; we  both  knelt  down,  and  I never  heard  such 
a prayer  in  all  my  life.  I never  was  so  near  the  throne  of 
God,  except  when  my  mother  died,  as  I was  then.  I said 
to  the  Governor,  “I  am  profoundly  impressed  and  I will 
start  this  afternoon  for  Washington.” 

I soon  found  out  that  emancipation  was  in  everybody’s 
mouth,  and  when  I got  to  Washington  and  called  upon 
Sumner,  he  began  to  talk  emancipation.  He  asked  me  to 
go  and  see  the  President,  and  tell  him  how  the  people  of 
Boston  and  Hew  England  regarded  it.  I w^ent  to  the 
White  House  that  evening  and  met  the  President.  He 
first  talked  about  everything  but  emancipation,  and  finally 
he  asked  me  what  I thought  about  emancipation.  I told 
him  what  I thought  about  it,  and  said  that  Governor  Andrew 


OF  NOTED  PERSONS. 


41 


was  so  far  interested  in  it  that  I had  no  doubt  he  had  sent  me 
on  there  to  post  the  President  in  regard  to  what  the  class 
of  people  I met  in  Boston  and  Kew  York  thought  of  it, 
and  then  I repeated  to  him,  as  I had  previously  to  Sumner, 
this  prayer  of  the  Governor,  as  well  as  I could  remember 
it.  The  President  said:  “When  we  have  the  Governor 

of  Massachusetts  to  send  us  troops  in  the  way  he  has,  and 
when  we  have  him  to  utter  such  prayers  for  us,  I have  no 
doubt  that  we  shall  succeed.”  In  September  the  Governor 
sent  for  me.  He  had  a dispatch  that  emancipation  would 
be  proclaimed,  and  it  was  done  the  next  day.  You  re- 
member the  President  made  proclamation  in  September, 
to  take  effect  in  January.  Well,  he  and  I were  together 
alone  again  in  the  Council  Chamber.  Said  he,  “You  re- 
member when  I wanted  you  to  go  on  to  Washington  ?”  I 
said,  “Yes,  I remember  it  very  well.”  “Well,”  said 
he,  “I  didn’t  know  exactly  what  I wanted  you  to  go  for 
then.  How  I will  tell  you  what  let’s  do ; you  sing 
‘Coronation,’  and  I will  join  with  you.”  So  we  sang 
together  the  old  tune,  and  also  “Praise  God  from  whom 
all  blessings  flow.”  Then  I sang  “ Old  John  Brown,”  he 
marching  around  and  joining  in  the  chorus  after  each 
verse.’  ” 


Anecdote  of  General  Lee. 

The  following-  is  from  the  Louisville  Courier- Journal: 
It  was  in  the  summer  of  1864,  while  the  armies  of  the 
United  States  and  Confederate  States  were  confronting 
each  other  on  the  James,  below  Pichmond.  On  a certain 
day  a Federal  attack,  which  was  thought  to  bo  a decoy, 
was  made  on  the  south  side  of  the  river.  Wo  thought  we 
saw  evidences  of  a real  attack  on  our  side.  Occasionally 
the  whole  picket-line  would  open  Are.  The  gunboats  at 


42 


ANECDOTES 


Deep  Bottom  would  send  tliree  hundred  pounds  crashing 
through  the  timbers  in  the  rear  of  what  had  been  Libby’s 
residence,  but  was  then  General  Lee’s  head-quartters.  At 
about  two  o’clock  p.  m.,  the  artillery  opened  on  our  left.  A 
few  minutes  afterward,  we  heard  the  unmistakable  roar  of 
infantry  firing.  We  then  knew  that  the  lines  of  battle 
were  engaged  on  our  left.  The  pickets  opened  and  kept 
up  a rapid  firing  in  our  front,  the  gunboats  sending  their 
infernal  machines  more  frequently.  We,  the  Kockbridge 
Battery,  were  ordered  to  double-quick  into  position  on 
Libby’s  Hill.  On  our  way  up,  everything  looked  as 
though  we  were  on  the  eve  of  terrible  conflict, — the  roar  of 
artillery  and  infantry,  the  rapid  movement  of  troops  into 
line,  and  the  solemnity  that  seemed  to  have  impregnated 
the  whole  atmosphere.  As  we  passed  the  Libby  house,  w^e 
saw  General  Lee  in  the  yard.  lie  'was  standing  just  under 
a low  tree,  with  one  arm  extended,  as  if  reaching  for  some- 
thing on  the  limb.  As  we  got  nearer  to  him,  we  could  see 
what  he  was  engaged  in  doing  at  such  a time.  A little 
bird,  whose  mother  was  just  teaching  it  to  use  its  wings, 
had,  in  its  first  effort,  fallen  to  the  ground.  Its  dumb 
mother,  regardless  of  the  death  and  carnage  that  intelli- 
gent man  was  dealing  to  his  fellow,  was  uttering  pitiful 
cries  for  her  fallen  offspring.  General  Lee  reached  down 
and  picked  up  this  little  creature,  and,  when  we  passed, 
was  in  the  act  of  placing  it  where  its  mother  could  care 
for  it. 


Bismarck  at  Home — How  He  Wanted  to  Be  a Parson. 

Live  o’clock  is  Bismarck’s  dinner  hour,  and  this  is  not 
departed  from  even  in  Berlin  when  he  gives  the  diplo- 
matic dinner  on  the  Emperor’s  birthday.  Four  plain 
•courses  are  served.  Bismarck  was  once  a lover  of  light 


OF  NOTED  PERSONS. 


43 


clarets ; lately  he  lias  taken  nothing  but  old,  heavy  wines 
and  whisky.  Beer  and  champagne  he  eschews  altogether, 
but  his  guests  can  select  from  a large  and  varied  wine 
cellar.  The  Princess  does  the  honors  of  the  table.  The 
Prince  leads  the  conversation,  and  is  particularly  ani- 
mated when  strangers  are  present.  Should  he,  on  graver 
thoughts  intent,  wander  from  the  .subject,  the  Princess 
recalls  him  by  a word  or  look,  although  she,  for  her 
part,  is  so  busied  with  the  cares  of  the  household,  that  she 
has  been  known  to  drop  her  knife  and  run  into  the  kitchen 
to  scold  the  servants.  When  she  returns,  the  thread  of 
the  story  is  taken  up  where  she  left  it.  The  Prince  is  never 
weary  of  descanting  on  the  exploits  of  his  youth,  of  which 
the  neighborhood  of  Yarzin  was  the  scene.  Touching 
upon  this  subject  one  evening  when  he  had  taken  his  long, 
patriarchal  porcelain  pipe  to  smoke  upon  the  veranda,  he 
said : “I  sometimes  wish  my  father  had  carried  out  his 

idea  of  making  a parson  of  me.  It  was  very  nearly  done, 
too.  One  of  his  relatives  had  already  a place  in  sight  where 
I should,  at  the  end  of  the  first  year,  have  had  an  income 
of  at  least  £150  a year.”  Something  unexpected,  how- 
ever, occurred,  and  the  plan  was  frustrated ; ‘‘but,”  said 
the  Chancellor,  “I  would  have  been  a much  better  man 
had  I turned  parson.”  To  this  the  Princess  refused  to 
agree,  and  the  Prince  went  off  into  a laudation  of  England, 
which  he  said  was  like  a garden,  where  he  could  have  lived 
quietly  and  happily. 


How  Cromwell  Managed  the  Musket. 

The  following  ordinance  was  issued  by  Oliver  Crom- 
well, in  1641,  regulating  the  exercises  of  the  musketry. 
The  manual  of  arms  will  be  of  interest  to  military  men  of 
the  present  day : 


44 


ANECDOTES 


The  Lord  General  Cromwell. — His  ordinance  for  the 
righthe  observation  of  ye  platoon  exercise  amonst  ye  mos- 
cpieteers  of  ye  armie,  to  be  heedfully  acquitted  by  ye 
soulders : 

1.  Balance  youre  mousquet. 

2.  Find  out  youre  charge. 

3.  Open  youre  charge. 

4.  Charge  with  bullet. 

5.  Put  youre  scouring  sticke  in  youre  mousquet. 

6.  Earn  home  youre  charge. 

7.  Draw  fourth  youre  scouring  sticke. 

8.  Turn  and  shorten  him  to  a handful. 

9.  Eeturn  youre  scouring  sticke. 

10.  Bring  forward  youre  mousquet  and  poise. 

11.  Balance  your  mousquet  in  left  hand  with  barrell 
upwards. 

12.  Draw  forth  youre  match. 

13.  Blow  the  ashes  from  youre  coal. 

14.  Present  youre  left  hand. 

15.  Give  fire,  breast  high. 


Lotta’s  First  Experience — Interesting  Incidents. 

“When  I first  went  on  the  stage,”  Lotta  has  been  tell" 
ing  an  interviewer,  “in  the  summer  of  1858, — twenty 
years  ago,  by  the  way, — I determined  to  originate  an  en- 
tirely new  school  of  acting.  You  may  laugh,  but  my  first 
idea  was  tragedy,  and  I actually  had  the  part  of  Lady 
Macbeth  committed  to  memory.  The  successful  lady  stars 
at  that  time  were  Lucille  Western  and  Kate  Bateman,  and 
I felt  that  if  there  was  any  money  to  be  made,  it  must  be  in 
the  same  line  they  were  in.  On  Christmas  Day,  1863,  I 
was  stopping  with  a friend  in  St.  Louis,  when  Lucille 
Western  visited  that  city  and  played  ‘ East  Lynne’  at  ono 


OF  NOTED  PERSONS. 


4:0 


of  the  theaters.  I went  to  see  her  for  the  first  time.  At 
the  conclusion  of  the  performance,  I concluded  that  tragedy 
or  emotional  acting  was  not  my  forte,  for  I was  ashamed 
of  puny  efforts,  as  witnessed  before  the  mirror  in  my 
dressing-case,  after  having  seen  what  Lucille  Western 
could  do  in  the  same  line.  I was  thoroughly  disheartened, 
and  sat  down  and  had  a real  good  cry.  The  friend  at 
whose  house  I was  stopping,”  continued  Lotta,  ‘‘was  a 
prominent  newspaper  man,  and  had  a penchant  for  enter- 
taining members  of  the  theatrical  profession.  Go  there 
when  you  would,  you  were  always  certain  to  find  some 
actor  at  his  table.  Well,  on  this  Christmas  Day  I was 
telling  you  of,  when  I came  down  to  tea,  my  eyes  still  red 
with  weeping,  I found  an  elderly,  good-natured,  good-look- 
ing gentleman  there.  I was  not  a little  flurried  on  his 
being  introduced  to  me  as  John  Brougham,  the  celebrated 
actor  and  play-writer,  for  I was  not  then  so  well  used  to 
meeting  celebrities  as  I am  now.  I am  sure  Mr.  Brougham 
must  have  thought  me  a little  goose,  for  I had  not  spoken 
to  him  two  minutes  before  the  recollection  of  my  disap- 
pointment again  welled  up  in  my  mind,  and  the  tears  came 
to  my  eyes.  I can  never  forget  how  he  questioned  me  as 
to  what  was  the  matter,  and  how  kindly  and  fatherly  he 
wormed  out  of  me  my  secret. 

“ ‘The  truth  is,  dear  sis,’  said  he,  after  learning  the  full 
extent  of  my  affliction,  ‘ you  have  chosen  the  wrong  branch 
of  the  profession.  This  rage  for  weeping  and  wailing  will 
soon  run  out,  and  the  people  will  demand  a more  cheerful 
performance.  Take  to  the  soubrets,  my  girl — there  is 
more  money  in  that.  What  you  want,  is  to  hit  on  some- 
thing odd  and  peculiar.  Give  the  peo])le  something  new. 
The  American  people  are  great  for  novelty,  and  will  put  a 
fortune  into  the  purse  of  the  one  who  ]>lcases  them.’ 

“I  did  not  soon  forget  what  he  had  told  me.  I am  a 


46 


ANECDOTES 


great  gin  for  action,  and  when  I taKe  anything  into  my 
head,  instead  of  dreaming  over  it,  I get  energetically  to 
work.  But,  for  the  life  of  me,  I couldn’t  think  what  school 
of  acting  to  choose,  until  one  day  in  Chicago,  at  a hotel 
where  I was  stopping,  I came  across  the  counterpart  of 
the  mischievous  creature  known  throughout  the  length 
and  breadth  of  the  land  as  Lotta.  She  was  a little  miss  of 
ten  summers,  and  as  provoking  a little  imp  as  was  ever 
born.  She  was  up  to  all  sorts  of  tricks  and  comicalities, 
and  yet,  in  spite  of  her  mischief,  one  could  not  help  loving 
her.  In  a word,  she  was  at  once  the  terror  and  delight  of 
the  house.  I saw  in  an  instant  where  an  original  character 
could  be  found,  and  began  to  study  the  oddities  of  the 
little  elf.  Then  I would  go  to  my  room  and  practice  what 
she  had  done. 

‘‘In  the  farce  of  ‘Nan,  the  Good-for-Nothing,’  there 
occurs  a splendid  opportunity  for  introducing  the  vagaries 
of  a spoilt,  wayward  child.  How  well  I succeeded  in  that 
farce,  and  in  other  kindred  plays  WTitten  especially  with  a 
view  to  introducing  these  oddities,  my  career  for  the  last 
fifteen  years  will  attest.  I had  no  trouble.  I swam  at 
once  into  public  favor,  partly  by  good  luck,  partly  by  the 
oddity  of  the  thing,  but  chiefly  by  the  wisdom  and  enter- 
prise of  good  managers,  to  whom  successful  stars  owe  more 
than  they  have  often  the  candor  to  acknowledge.” 


Thurlow  Weed  and  the  Reporter- -An  Interesting 
Interview. 

The  following  interview  took  place  recently  at  Thurlow 
Weed’s  residence  in  New  York  City: 

“ What  part  of  your  life  do  you  look  back  to  with  most 
satisfaction?”  I asked. 

“To  my  persistent  refusal  of  office,”  he  answered 


OF  NOTED  PERSONS. 


4r 


quickly,  “and  to  that” — and  he  pointed  to  an  old  brown 
document,  framed,  hanging  on  the  wall,  which,  on  exami- 
nation, proved  to  be  a Government  warrant  for  160  acres- 
of  land  for  his  services  as  a soldier  in  the  war  of  1812. 

Observing  that  he  had  not  located  his  warrant,  and  that 
it  was  still  a sight  draft  for  160  acres  of  wild  land,  I asked 
him  why  he  didn’t  use  it. 

“ Oh!  I don’t  want  to  bother  with  it,”  he  said.  “I’ll 
put  it  in  my  will.” 

“But  you  said  you  had  held  office?”  I reminded  him. 

“Oh,  yes;  I let  the  boys  send  me  to  the  Legislature 
when  I was  a journeyman  printer,  fifty-five  years  ago. 
But  I never  had  a thirst  for  office.  A great  many  offices- 
have  been  within  my  reach.  Perhaps  I am  the  only  man 
who  ever  declined  three  first-class  foreign  missions,  offered 
by  three  Presidents — Taylor,  Fillmore  and. Lincoln.” 

“They  say  you  have  been  Governor  a good  deal?”  I 
suggested. 

The  old  gentleman  laughed  heartily. 

“Yes,  that’s  what  they  say  ; but  I was  never  elected  to 
that  office  anyhow,  and  never  drew  a cent  of  salary. 
Yes,”  he  added,  after  a pause,  “of  several  Governors  I 
have-  been  the  confidential  friend,  and  perhaps  I may  say 
adviser.” 

“You  may,  indeed,”  I assented.  “No  other  American 
has  ever  held  such  influential  relations  with  high  officials.” 

“And  the  oddest  of  it  is,  said  he,  eagerly,  rising  and 
walking  the  room,  as  if  to  walk  off  superfluous  energy, 
“that  I have  been  a confidential  friend  of  at  least  two 
Democratic  Governors  when  I was  a leading  Whi"^  The 
first  was  Silas  Wright.” 

“And  they  took  your  advice?  ” I asked. 

“Yes,  very  often.  When  Marcy  was  Governor,  he  took 
me  intimately  into  Ins  confidence  and  his  counsels;  and^ 


48 


Al^ECDOTES 


when  he  was  ^uchanan’s  Secretary  of  State,  I occupied 
the  same  relation  to  him.” 

“You  are  so  old,  and  have  been  so  active,  that  you 
seem  to  have  been  a part  of  almost  everything  that  has 
happened  in  this  country,”  I said. 

“Up  there,  somewhere,”  he  answered,  pointing  indefi- 
nitely toward  the  wall,  “is  a silhouette  of  the  first  railroad 
in  this  country,  and  the  first  train  of  cars,  running  between 
Albany  and  Schenectady.”  He  paused  and  found  it, — 
the  black  line  of  coaches  drawn  by  a queer-looking  iron- 
horse,  with  copies  of  which  most  people  are  familiar. 
“About  there — that’s  me,”  said  he,  putting  his  finger  on 
one  of  the  stove-pipe  hats  in  the  rear  coach. 

“May  I ask,  "What  is  the  greatest  misfortune  that  ever 
happened  to  you?  ” 

“The  greatest  distress  I ever  suffered?”  he  inquired. 
“ Oh ! you  must  know  what  that  was.  Cruel,  cruel ! The 
vilest  slander  that  ever  was  framed, — that  I was  a monster 
of  brutality,  and  had  mutilated  a corpse,  for  the  purpose 
of  helping  the  fortunes  of  a party.” 

“I  don’t  exactly  remember  what  you  mean,”  I said. 

“Why,  Morgan!  Morgan!”  he  exclaimed,  and  his  face 
assumed  a pained  expression.  “I  suffered  untold  distress, 
and  was  more  or  less  under  ban,  for  twenty-five  years. 
Old  acquaintances  avoided  me ; even  my  family  was  made 
to  feel  the  disgrace,  as  if  I were  a felon.  It  was  cruel!” 

“How  was  it?”  I said.  “Or,  perhaps  you  prefer  not 
to  talk  about  it?  ” 

• “I  have  no  objection.  It’s  an  old  story  now,  and  be- 
longs to  the  past.  I was  living  at  Rochester  at  the  time 
Morgan,  who  had  exposed  Masonry,  was  missing.  It  was 
believed  that  he  had  been  drowned  by  members  ol  the 
Order,  in  Lake  Ontario.  A body  was  found  which  answered 
the  description  of  his.  It  was  exhibited  in  public,  and 


OF  NOTED  PERSONS. 


49 


was  recognized  as  being  bim  bj  bis  family  and  friends.  It 
was  buried  by  them.  Afterward,  it  was  claimed  by  tbe 
friends  of  another  man,  disinterred,  and  another  inquest 
held.  There  was  great  ^ excitement  over  the  murder  of 
Morgan,  and  I was  prominent  as  an  anti-Mason.  When 
this  last  inquest  was  pending,  the  lawyer  engaged  by  the 
Masons  said  to  me,  one  day:  ‘What  are  you  going  to  do 

for  a Morgan  now  ? ’ ‘ This  man  is  a good  enough  Mor- 

gan,’ I retorted,  ‘ till  you  produce  the  man  that  was  killed.’ 
He  went  oif  and  reported  that  I said  the  deceased  was  a 
good  enough  Morgan  till  after  election.'^  This  lie  was  first 
published  by  Henry  O’Keilly,  editor  of  the  Kochester 
Daily  Advertiser;  and  it  made  such  an  excitement,  that 
he  stuck  to  it  and  elaborated  it.  Finally,  the  lie  took  this 
form,  that  I had  pulled  out  the  beard,  cut  the  hair,  and 
otherwise  defaced  or  mutilated  the  features  of  the  Ontario 
corpse,  so  as  to  make  them  resemble  Morgan ! This  was 
in  the  winter  of  1826-27.” 

“Did  people  believe  such  a thing?” 

“Yes,  a good  many  did.  It  was  a thing  I could  not  dis- 
prove to  their  satisfaction.  I was  abhorred  by  tens  of 
thousands.  Old  acquaintances  cut  me.  I was  pointed  at 
on  the  street.  Strangers  would  look  askance  at  me.  I saw 
them.  Friends  gave  me  the  cold  shoulder.  I received 
threatening  anonymous  letters.  I was  made  to  feel  every- 
where and  every  hour  that  I was  a marked  man.  And  my 
poor  family,  sir,”  said  he,  lifting  his  hand  with  a pathetic 
gesture,  “were  made  to  feel  the  cruel  thrusts  in  ways  I 
cannot  mention.” 

“How  long  did  this  ostracism  last?” 

“ Fifteen  or  twenty  years  actively,  and  in  some  directions 
a much  longer  time.” 

“It  seems  strange  that  injustice  should  thrive  so.” 
said  I. 


50 


AJSTECDOTES 


‘‘Well,  it  did  thrive.  O’Keilly  became  rich,  and  that  lie 
was  the  foundation  of  his  fortune.  I drifted  to  Albany, 
and  at  last  lived  the  shocking  calumny  down.  Finally, 
O’Reilly,  who  might  have  been  worth  millions  if  he  had 
stuck  to  the  telegraphs,  which  he  manipulated  at  first, 
speculated  in  other  things  and  lost  money.  He  kept  losing. 
He  lost  everything  he  had  at  last.” 

“Were  you  glad?” 

“ 1 was  grateful  that  the  Lord  didn’t  allow  such  villainy 
to  thrive  forever,”  the  old  gentleman  confessed ; “and  then 
I felt  sorry  for  him.” 

“Where  is  he  now, — dead ? ” 

“Oh,  no,”  said  he  ; “ O’Reilly  is  alive  enough.  Four 
years  ago  he  wrote  me  a letter,  saying  that  he  was  penni- 
less, and  asking  me  to  send  him  one  hundred  dollars.” 
“Well,  what  did  you  do  ? ” 

“ I sent  it  to  him.” 

“You  did?” 

“ Certainly  I did.  And  a few  weeks  later  he  wrote  me 
a very  grateful  letter,  which  wound  up  by  saying  that  he 
was  completely  out  of  money  and  out  of  business,  and  he 
didn’t  know  what  in  the  world  he  should  do  to  keep  alive 
if  I didn’t  get  him  a place  in  the  Hew  York  Custom 
House.” 

Is  it  possible  ? ” 

“Yes.” 

‘ ‘ What  did  you  do  ? ” 

“ I went  and  refiected  on  how  much  pain  he  had  caused 
me  through  a quarter  of  a century ; on  the  grief  and  dis- 
tress my  family  had  suffered  on  his  account ; on  the  morti- 
fication and  humiliation  he  had  heaped  upon  my  party  and 
my  friends ; and  then — then  I went  down  and  got  him  a 
place  in  the  Custom  House,” 

“ You  did? ” 


OF  NOTED  PERSONS. 


51 


“I  did.” 

“ Where  is  he  now? ” 

‘‘  In  the  Custom  House,  unless  he  has  left  since  I heard 
from  there.  I believe  he  is  there  yet.” 

“Well,  Mr.  AVeed,  that  beats  all  the  revenges  I ever 
heard  of.  Mr.  AYeed,  you  have  put  thousands  of  men  in 
office ; have  you  met  with  grateful  returns  of  your  friendly 
services?  ” 

“Oh,  yes,  generally.  Generous  gratitude  has  been  the 
rule!” 

“ I have  heard,”  I said,  “ that  to  do  a service  for  a man 
is  the  way  to  make  him  an  enemy.” 

“ That  is  not  my  observation,”  he  answered. 

“Then  you  believe  in  human  nature  and  friendships 
after  all  these  years  of  sharp  party  warfare  and  personal 
hostilities  ? ” 

“ Oh  heavens,  yes !”  exclaimed  the  old  gentleman,  “ my 
life  has  been  full  of  delightful  friendships.  The  poet  who 
said  friendship  was  but  a name  didn’t  deserve  to  have  a 
friend.  Notwithstanding  all  the  setbacks,  I have  found 
the  world  full  of  sunshine,  generosity,  good  deeds,  grati- 
tude, self  denial,  for  the  benefit  of  others.  Heavens!  yes! 
I do  believe  in  human  nature  and  the  general  excellence  of 
men.” 

Here  Mr.  Weed  called  his  servant,  and  had  his  now  cold 
cup  of  tea  changed  for  a hot  one,  while  I withdrew,  leaving 
iiim  to  finish  his  repast. 


Gorringe  Removing  the  Great  Obelisk. 

When  I arrived  in  Alexandria,  says  George  AYright,  the 
needle  had  been  taken  down,  and  Commander  Gorringe 
was  building  a caisson  or  flat-boat  on  which  to  launch  it 
into  the  water  and  carry  it  to  the  dry-dock  where  it  was  to 


52 


AXECDOTES 


be  shipped.  Previously,  when  the  machinery  for  taking  it 
down  was  arranged,  evil-disposed  persons  in  the  city  were 
confident  that  the  trunnions  and  towers,  which,  they  sarcas- 
tically said,  were  built  by  people  in  America  who  knew 
nothing  about  removing  obelisks,  would  not  bear  so  great 
a weight,  and  up  to  the  moment  when  the  obelisk  turned 
easily  on  its  axis,  they  predicted  a crash.  In  this  they 
were  disappointed,  so  their  next  hope  of  a failure  was 
placed  on  the  launching.  The  obelisk  stood  on  a plot  of 
land,  which  had  formerly  been  a stone  yard,  between  the 
Boulevard  de  Ramleli  and  the  Great  harbor,  a little  to  the 
northwest  of  the  Bamleli  railway  station  and  almost  in 
tlie  center  of  the  business  portion  of  the  city.  At  this 
point  the  land  is  between  ten  and  fifteen  feet  above  tide- 
water mark.  Here  Commander  Gorringe  excavated  a slip 
similar  to  a ship  builder’s  yard,  and  on  it  built  the  caisson. 
When  this  was  completed,  the  obelisk  was  rolled  on,  and 
together  they  were  launched  into  the  harbor.  There  were 
a great  number  of  people  present,  the  majority  of  whom 
came  to  witness  an  accident  to  the  stone — the  general 
opinion  being  that  the  caisson  would  not  carry  the  weight 
from  the  land  to  the  water. 

When  they  got  otf  the  ways,  there  was  great  cheering 
•and  rejoicing  and  a general  revulsion  of  feeling.  And 
after  that,  everybody  expressed  a hope  that  the  obelisk 
might  get  to  America  in  safety,  because  Commander  Gor- 
ringe had  overcome  all  obstacles  so  successfully. 

It  was  towed  to  a floating  dry  dock  situated  on  the  other 
side  of  the  promontory,  which  constitutes  a part  of  Alex- 
andria and  divides  the  two  harbors.  The  dock  was  sunk 
and  the  caisson  admitted.  When  the  dock  was  raised 
again,  the  caisson  was  taken  to  pieces  and  the  obelisk  was 
jacked  up  to  about  five  or  ten  feet.  After  this  was  accom- 
plished, the  dock  was  sunk  again,  and  the  Dessouk  was 


OF  NOTED  PERSONS. 


53 


admitted  and  placed  with  her  bow  alongside  the  monolith. 
A section  of  the  starboard  side  of  the  steamer,  beginning 
about  twenty  feet  aft  of  the  bow,  and  extending  for  about 
seventy-five  feet,  and  about  ten  feet  deep,  was  taken  out, 
and  through  this  aperture  the  obelisk  was  shipped.” 

The  Alexandrians  did  not  like  the  removal  at  first,  and 
a great  deal  of  dissatisfaction  was  expressed,  as  it  was  one 
of  the  very  best  obelisks  in  the  country — a great  feature  in 
Alexandria.”  The  feeling  w^as,  that  an  old  landmark  and 
ornament  to  the  city  was  being  taken  away.  They  would 
rather  have  it  go  to  America,  however,  than  to  any  place 
in  Europe. 


Anecdotes  of  the  Emperor  Napoleon. --Only  a Cape 
and  a Sword. 

Napoleon  I.  never  forgot  anything — least  of  all,  the 
days  of  his  poverty  and  the  slights  he  then  received.  When 
he  first  paid  court  to  Madam  de  Beauharnais,  neither  was 
rich  enough  to  keep  a carriage,  and  the  young  hero,  who 
was  deeply  in  love,  often  gave  the  charming  widow  his 
arm  when  she  went  to  visit  her  man  of  business,  a notary 
named  Raguideau.  Madam,  who  had  great  confidence  in 
this  legal  adviser,  who  was  a friend  as  well,  went  to  see 
him  immediately  after  engagement  to  Bonaparte,  who,  as 
usual,  accompanied  her,  but,  from  motives  of  delicacy, 
did  not  enter  the  notary’s  cabinet,  but  remained  in  an 
adjoining  room,  where  several  clerks  were  writing.  The 
door  being  imperfectly  closed,  he  here  heard  nearly  all 
that  was  said  during  the  interview,  and  especially  the 
arguments  used  by  Baguldeau  to  deter  Madam  do  Beau- 
harnais from  the  marriage  she  acknowledged  herself  she 
was  about  to  contract. 

“ Mark  my  words,  madam,”  said  the  notary  earnestly. 


54 


ANECDOTES 


“you  are  about  to  commit  a great  folly,  of  wbicli  you  will 
bitterly  repent.  Why,  this  man  you  are  about  to  espouse, 
has  nothing  in  the  world  but  a cape  and  a sword !” 

Eight  years  after,  Napoleon,  on  the  day  of  his  corona- 
on,  as  soon  as  he  was  invested  with  his  imperial  robes, 
said : 

“ Let  them  seek  Raguideau.  Have  him  come  instantly. 
I have  something  to  say  to  him.” 

The  notary  was  brought,  and  stood  much  astonished 
efore  the  Emperor,  who,  with  his  peculiar  sardonic  smile, 
said  to  him : 

hien^  monsieur,  have  I nothing  in  the  world  but  a 
cape  and  a sword  ? ” 


Joaquin  Miller’s  Experience  on  Wall  Street — What  he 
Made  and  Lost. 

Wall  street?  How  did  I come  out?  Oh!  Well,  I was 
short  of  St.  Paul  and  long  of  Pacific  Mail.  I expected 
Pacific  Mail  to  go  up  and  St.  Paul  to  go  down.  They  did, 
and  I had  twenty-one  thousand  dollars.  But  that  was  not 
enough  to  build  a city  with.  I held  on. 

One  day  it  was  rumored  that  the  rust  was  not  so  bad  in 
St.  Paul  after  all.  It  began  to  start  up  ! Pacific  Mail  be- 
gan to  shoot  down.  It  was  said  the  Chinese  had  estab- 
lished an  opposition  line.  I tell  you  it  takes  a big  man  to 
sit  on  two  benches  at  a time.  Ten  to  one  he  will  spill 
himself  between  the  two  just  as  sure  as  he  attempts  it. 

I sold  some  St.  Paul  and  bought  more  Pacific  Mail ; but 
all  to  no  purpose.  They  kept  right  on.  Then  I got  out  of 
Pacific  Mail  at  the  lowest  figure  it  touched,  and  bought 
Wabash.  I began  to  flounder,  and  got  frightened.  I sold 
and  bought,  and  bought  and  sold.  I frequently  saw  in  the 
papers,  that  I was  getting  rich  in  Wall  street,  and  kept  on 


OF  NOTED  PEESONS. 


55 


working  like  a beaver.  The  end  was  only  a question  of 
time. 

One  day  my  broker  took  me  by  the  sleeve,  and  led  me, 
like  a lamb  as  I was,  aside.  My  fun  was  over.  And 
Utopia  is  indeed  Utopia. 

No  one  with  so  little  money  ever  entered  Wall  street 
under  better  advantages.  All  men  were  kind  and  good. 
I think  no  man  there  ever  attempted  to  mislead  me.  But 
it  is  simply  impossible  to  make  money  there  and  keep  it. 
Let  me  mention  here,  that  during  my  six  months  there,  I 
paid  my  brokers,  in  commissions,  $11,425 ! These  com- 
missions alone,  will  devour  my  possible  profits. 

Of  course,  it  is  not  a pleasant  thing  to  admit  oneself 
beaten.  But  if  this  brief  history  of  my  venture  in  the 
dangerous  land  will  diminish  at  all  that  tired  and  anxious 
army  of  tape-holders,  who  waste  their  shekels,  their  days, 
their  strength  in  vain  waiting — why,  I willingly  bear  the 
reproach. 

And,  after  all,  I lost  but  little,  having  but  little  to  lose. 
And  I learned  so  much,  having  so  much  to  learn. 


Czar  Nicholas  and  his  Doctor. 

On  the  2d  of  March,  1855,  when  it  was  known  that  the 
Czar  Nicholas  had  died,  a wild  excitement,  increasing  from 
day  to  day,  burst  forth  against  his  favorite  physician,  Dr. 
Mandt,  the  more  readily  suspected  because  he  was  a Ger- 
man. Busy  calumniators  spread  the  news  abroad  in  all 
circles,  that  the  guilt  of  the  Emperor’s  death  lay  at  tlio 
door  of  his  Prussian  doctor.  Mandt’ s family,  who  were 
then  at  Frankfort,  were  in  tlie  greatest  terror,  when  their 
fear  was  removed  by  a dispatch  from  St.  Petersburg,  stat- 
ing that  the  present  Czar,  Alexander,  had  taken  up  the 
defence  of  the  calumniated  man,  having  called  him  into 


56 


ANECDOTES 


his  presence,  thanked  him  before  the  court  for  his  care  of 
his  father,  and  presented  him  with  a magnificent  gold 
snuff-box,  richly  set  with  diamonds. 

The  Doctor,  it  appears,  left  behind  him  a detailed  account 
of  the  last  days  and  hours  of  his  imperial  patient.  Almost 
his  only  friends  at  court,  besides  the  Czar  himself,  were 
the  heir  to  the  throne  and  the  Grand  Duchess  Helena, 
lie  was  an  object  of  violent  dislike  to  her  husband,  the 
Grand  Duke  Michael.  When  the  Czar  was  taken  ill, 
Mandt’s  meaner  foes  whispered  about,  that  he  would  poison 
their  master.  The  Grand  Duchess  Helena  warned  him  of 
the  plots  against  his  reputation  and  person.  Her  husband 
called  him  into  a ’private  room.  “I  found  him  in  the 
highest  excitement,”  says  Dr.  Mandt.  ‘‘I  thought  he 
would  seize  me  by  the  collar,  but  my  coolness  seemed  to 
make  some  impression  upon  him,  and  he  contented  him- 
self by  shaking  his  fist  in  my  face,  and  exclaiming,  ‘ Trai- 
tor!’” An  excited  conversation  passed  between  them, 
and  the  Prince  ended  by  saying:  “On  the  day  upon 

which  the  precious  health  of  the  Czar  is  endangered  by 
your  treatment,  your  learned  head  shall  hang  upon  your 
neck  by  the  thinness  of  a single  thread.” 

Nicholas  himself  was  worked  up  into  a temporary  suspi- 
cion of  the  fidelity  of  his  doctor.  One  day,  upon  feeling 
himself  better,  the  Czar  said : “ Mandt,  do  you  know  that 

I believed  yesterday  that  you  were  bent  upon  poisoning 
me?  ” “I  knew  it,  sire,”  replied  the  Doctor.  Then  do 
not  forget,”  observed  the  Emperor,  “that  you  have  ene- 
mies here,  and  many  of  them.”  On  the  night  of  the  2d  of 
March,  Mandt  had  to  tell  the  Czar  the  fateful  news,  that  his 
recovery  was  impossible.  Nicholas  received  the  informa- 
tion with  great  calmness.  He  ordered  the  sacrament  to 
be  brought,  took  leave  of  the  Empress,  his  children  and 
grandchildren,  kissed  them,  and  blessed  each  by  name 


OF  NOTED  PERSONS. 


57 


with  a film,  clear  voice.  To  the  Empress  he  said: 
shall  send  for  thee  when  the  last  moment  draws  nigh.”" 


General  Jackson’s  Death. 

There  is  still  living  in  Tennessee,  a colored  woman^ 
‘‘  Old  Hannah,”  in  whose  arms  the  wife  of  General  Jack- 
son  died,  and  who  was  present  at  the  General’s  death-bed. 
She  is  now  eighty-nine  years  old,  and  still  does  service  as 
a nurse.  To  a correspondent  of  the  Cincinnati  Commercial 
who  visited  her,  she  gave  the  following  account  of  Gen- 
eral Jackson’s  death : 

‘‘  Ole  Master  was  sick  when  he  came  home  from  Wash- 
ington last  time.  He  had  a bad  cough,  but  I never  saw 
him  bleed  at  the  lungs,  as  they  say  he  did,  and  I was  with 
him  or  about  him  all  the  time.  His  feet  would  swell, 
sometimes,  but  he  said  it  was  from  sittin’  so  much.  He 
used  to  smoke  and  chew  more  than  any  one  I ever  saw, 
and  it  gave  him  headache,  he  said.  xYbout  three  years 
before  he  died,  he  was  at  breakfast  one  morning,  and  was 
taken  sick  and  left  the  table.  We  thought  he  had  swal- 
lowed a fish-bone.  He  never  ate  in  the  dining-room  after 
that.  I always  toted  his  meals  to  him.  He  had  a little 
table  he  could  eat  off  when  sick,  as  it  could  be  swung 
round  to  him. 

“During  the  last  year  of  his  life,  his  breakfast  was  a raw 
egg  beaten  up  with  brown  sugar,  and  milk  right  from  the 
cow.  About  eleven  o’clock,  hot  corn  griddle-cakes,  and  a 
glass  of  fresh  buttermilk,  which  he  liked  very  much,  was 
taken  to  him.  On  Friday  morning  before  he  died,  he  ate 
as  common.  On  Saturday,  when  I fetched  him  his  egg 
and  milk,  he  was  lying  on  the  bed  with  his  eyes  closed, 
and  did  not  move.  I asked  George  if  he  was  aslcc]). 
Ole  Master  then  opened  his  eyes,  and  I handed  him  the 


58 


AJSTECDOTES 


glass.  He  held  it  in  his  hand  a little  while  looking  at  me, 
and  said:  ‘Well,  Hannah,  you  will  soon  be  done  bringing 

this  to  your  old  master.  ’ He  spoke  very  feeble.  When  I 
got  back  to  the  kitchen,  I tole  Betty  and  Dick,  the  cooks, 
that  ole  Master  would  not  last  long.  Dick  spoke  up  in  his 
sassy  way  and  says : ‘ Oh,  you  think  you  are  a prophet. 

Ole  Master  will  see  the  goose  that  will  raise  the  goslin’ 
that  will  eat  the  grass  off  of  your  grave.  ’ 

‘‘  On  Sunday,  the  day  of  his  death,  when  I brought  his 
egg  and  milk,  he  could  not  drink  it.  His  eyes  looked  so 
curious  that  I went  out  and  told  Mistus  Sarah.  She  ran  to 
the  store  room,  got  some  brandy,  loaf  sugar  and  spice, 
burned  the  brandy  and  carried  it  to  him.  He  took  one  or 
two  teaspoonfuls  and  it  revived  him,  but  he  didn’t  speak 
the  whole  day.  The  doctor  said  to  Mistus  Sarah  to  send 
the  servants  out  of  the  room,  but  we  refused  to  go.  One 
of  the  servants  went  on  so,  cryin’  and  lamentin’,  she  had  to 
be  carried  out. 

“About  an  hour  before  he  died,  he  come  to.  We  had 
all  thought  he  was  gone  before  that.  Young  Master 
Andrew  leaned  over  him  and  said,  ‘Father,  do  you  know 
me?’  ‘Oh,  yes,  my  son,  I know  you.’  Then  Dick,  the 
cook,  asked  if  he  knew  him.  He  nodded  that  he  did,  and 
said,  ‘Bichard,  hand  me  my  specs.’  He  always  called 
him  Bichard.  They  were  handed  to  him  from  the  bureau. 
Ole  Master  wet  them  with  his  tongue,  wiped  them  with  the 
sheet,  and  put  them  on.  He  looked  around  at  us  all  and 
said:  ‘Where’s  poor  George  and  Hannah?  I have  it 

that  you  shall  be  taken  care  of.’  He  saw  Mrs.  Adams, 
young  Mistress’  sister,  who  lived  in  the  family.  She  was 
standing  by,  crying.  He  said  to  her:  ‘Mrs.  Adams, 

while  a bit  of  my  property  is  left,  you  may  call  it  yours.  ’ 
He  then  turned  to  us  all  again  and  said  :’  ‘ I want  you  all  to 

meet  me  in  heaven.  My  words  are  for  you  aU.  God  is  no 


OF  NOTED  PERSONS. 


59 


respecter  of  color.  I liope  to  be  saved  through  the  blood 
of  Christ.  I am  in  God  and  God  is  in  me.  He  dwelleth 
in  me  and  I in  Him.  ’ I shall  never  forget  it.  I have  often 
tried  to  say  it  myself  when  near  death’s  door,  but  shrank 
back  for  fear  I was  unworthy.  Yes,  he’s  up  yonder,  he’s 
up  yonder,”  continued  the  old  creature  excitedly;  ‘‘he’s 
met  my  husband,  and  I shall  soon  meet  them  both.” 
“While  saying  these  words,  he  was  propped  up  on 
pillows.  He  asked  to  have  them  drawn  out.  Young 
Mistus  cried,  ‘Ho,  don’t,  George,  don’t!’  but  Master  gave 
George  a look  which  showed  he  meant  it  should  be  done. 
George  took  two  out.  Old  Master  sighed,  hunched  up  his 
shoulders,  drew  just  one  breath,  and  all  was  over.  There 
was  no  struggle.  Young  Mistus  fainted  and  was  carried 
to  her  room.  The  darkies  could  not  be  driven  out.  Our 
master,  our  father  was  gone.  We  looked  upon  him  as 
though  we  had  as  much  right  there  as  Master  Andrew.” 


One  of  Anna  Dickinson’s  Southern  Experiences. 

A Cincinnati  reporter,  interviewing  Anna  Dickinson,  re- 
ports her  as  saying  she  had  been  lecturing  on  “Joan  of 
Arc”  in  Savannah,  and  was  requested  by  a committee  of 
gentlemen,  residents  of  that  city,  to  let  tlie  people  here  her 
on  some  topic  on  which  she  had  lectured  in  tlie  Horth. 
She  agreed  to  do  so,  and  chose  “ Compulsory  Education  ” 
for  lier  topic. 

In  her  lecture,  she  gave  some  statistics  concerning  the 
State  she  was  lecturing  in,  and,  she  says,  her  audience  be- 
came impatient  and  angry,  and  some  of  them  (among 
others,  several  of  the  gentlemen  who  had  requested  her  to 
deliver  the  lecture)  were  leaving  the  room,  when  she  inter- 
rupted the  lecture,  and  addressing  several  by  name,  called 
their  attention  to  the  fact  that  she  had  only  yielded  to  them 


60 


ANECDOTES 


in  delivering  the  lecture.  Said  she : “I  told  them  that, 

hearing  me  give  the  statistics  of  crime  and  misery  in  their 
State,  their  feelings  were  aroused  against  me  because  I 
was  from  the  North,  and  that,  though  they  had  sat  calmly 
while  one  of  their  own  number  gave  the  same  facts,  they 
rebelled  against  them  as  given  by  me,  because  I was  a 
Northern  woman.  I told  them  to  forget  this ; to  think  of 
me  as  an  American,  and  one  of  themselves,  not  as  Georg- 
ians, but  as  Americans,  and  they  would  feel  none  of  this 
resentment.  I reminded  them  that  we  were  all  Americans, 

and,  calling  one  by  name,  I asked : ‘ General  , if  a 

British  hostile  fleet  appeared  off  our  coast,  or  a French 
army  was  marching  across  Mexico  to  attack  our  frontier, 
who  would  be  the  first  man  to  leave  Savannah  to  prevent 
the  invasion?’  I had  hardly  asked  the  question  when  my 
audience  burst  forth  into  a cheer,  and  I never  saw  more 
enthusiasm.” 


Horace  Greeley  Bathing  in  a Horse  Trough. 

, Horace  Greeley  at  one  time  owned  2,500  acres  of  land 
in  Pike  County,  Pa.  In  1813  he  formed  the  Sylvanian 
Society,  and  established  a community  on  the  property 
after  the  plan  of  Fourier,  the  French  social  economist. 
Large  buildings  were  erected,  and  at  one  time  125  persons 
were  active  members  of  the  Society.  Mr.  Greeley  invested 
$10,000  in  the  enterprise,  but  it  was  a disastrous  failure. 
He  believed  that  he  had  been  made  the  victim  of  land- 
sharks  and  the  ultra  Democratic  views  of  the  Pike  County 
natives.  This  inspired  him  to  publish  in  the  editorial 
columns  of  the  Tribune^  several  bitter  articles  against  that 
county,  in  one  of  which  occurred  two  expressions  that  the 
Pike  Countians  never  forgave.  “Pike  County,”  said  Mr. 
Greeley,  “is  noted  only  for  its  scrub  oaks,  its  locofoco 


OF  NOTED  PERSONS. 


61 


majorities,  and  its  rattlesnakes.  There  are  five  gallons  of 
whisky  to  one  spelling-book  in  Pike  County.” 

Once,  before  the  Fourierite  Society  had  failed,  Mr. 
Greeley  paid  a visit  to  the  spot.  On  his  way  back  to  hTew 
York,  the  stage-coach  broke  down  several  miles  from 
Milford.  Mr.  Greeley  walked  the  rest  of  the  way  to  this 
village.  He  arrived  here  in  the  condition  of  a confirmed 
tramp.  “Uncle  Sammy”  Dimmick  kept  hotel  there  then. 
He  was  one  of  the  dozen  or  so  of  Whigs  that  dared  the 
Democratic  forces  in  the  place.  He  was  a blulf,  curt  man, 
but  kind  and  generous.  Horace  Greeley  was  his  idol. 
He  had  never  seen  him,  but  often  declared  that  he  would 
consider  it  the  proudest  moment  of  his  life  to  meet  the 
great  Whig  editor.  When  Mr.  Greeley  entered  the  vil- 
lage after  his  long  and  dusty  tramp,  he  chanced  to  stop  at 
Dimmick’ 8 tavern.  Uncle  Sammy  was  in  the  bar-room, 
and  in  one  of  his  worst  humors.  Mr.  Greeley  walked  up 
to  him,  and,  in  liis  peculiar  falsetto  voice,  said : 

“I  am  very  tired  and  dusty,  sir.  I would  like  to  have 
a room  where  I can  wash  my  feet.  ’ ’ 

Uncle  Sammy  looked  the  seedy  and  dirty  stranger  from 
head  to  foot.  Believing  him  to  be  an  impudent  tramp,  he 
bellowed  out  in  a voice  that  could  be  heard  over  half  the 
town: 

“A  room  to  wash  your  feet  in!  Why,  you  impudent 
scoundrel,  go  out  to  the  horse-trough  and  wash  your  feet!” 
A large  public  trough  stood  in  the  street  at  the  corner 
of  the  hotel.  Mr.  Greeley  walked  quietly  out  to  it,  took 
off  his  boots,  and  began  washing  his  feet  in  the  trough. 
Cornelius  W.  De  Witt,  father  of  John  E.  De  Witt,  the 
well-known  Hew  York  insurance  President,  at  that  time 
kept  a store  opposite  Dimmick’s  tavern.  He  was  also 
a Wliig,  and  knew  Mr.  Greeley.  lie  saw  the  man  at 
the  trough  washing  his  feet,  and  Uncle  Sammy  standing 


62 


ANECDOTES 


on  the  hotel  piazza  looking  at  him  with  intense  disgust. 
De  Witt  walked  over,  recognized  Mr.  Greeley,  and  at  once 
gave  words  to  his  surprise.  He  beckoned  Uncle  Sammy 
to  the  spot. 

“Mr.  Dimmick,”  he  said,  “I  want  to  introduce  you  to 
Horace  Greeley,  the  editor  of  the  New  York  Tribune^ 

Uncle  Sammy  never  recovered  from  the  mortification 
he  felt  over  his  treatment  of  the  man  he  would  have  gone 
a hundred  miles  to  do  honor  to.  Mr.  Greeley  took  the 
matter  good-naturedly,  and  spent  several  days  with  his 
Whig  admirer. 


How  Sam  Houston  Happened  to  Go  to  Texas. 

An  Arkansas  paper  says:  “During  Sam  Houston’s 

residence  in  the  Cherokee  Nation,  west  of  Arkansas,  he 
lived  with  a daughter  of  old  Captain  John  Rogers,  an 
Indian,  about  two  and  a half  miles  west  of  Fort  Gibson. 
He  was  a merchant,  but  tried  to  conform  to  the  ways  and 
habits  of  the  Indians,  and  in  dress  wore  the  hunting-shirt, 
buckskin  leggings  and  breech-clout  of  the  Indians.  For 
the  greater  part  of  his  stay  here,  he  was  under  the  infiuence 
of  liquor  when  it  could  be  had,  and  he  was  seldom  with- 
out it.  He  seemed,  after  a residence  of  two  years,  to  tire 
of  the  part  he  was  acting,  and  during  short  periods  of 
soberness  became  morose  and  sullen.  He  was  evidently 
comparing  in  his  mind  his  present  mode  of  life  with  the 
past,  or  a worthless  arunken  white  Indian  with  the  proud 
Governor  of  Tennessee. 

It  was  directly  after  one  of  his  long  drunken  sprees,  that 
some  of  the  Texas  Cherokees  brought  news  of  the  war  be- 
tween Texas  and  Mexico.  Houston,  although  not  yet 
sober,  walked  out  on  the  banks  of  the  Grand  River  with 
John  Henry,  a merchant.  Throwing  himself  down  on  the 


OF  NOTED  PERSONS. 


63 


ground,  he  was  silent  for  some  time.  At  length,  starting 
up  quickly,  he  said  : 

“ Henry,  let  us  go  to  Texas.  I am  tired  of  this  countrj 
and  this  life.  Go  with  me,  and  I will  make  a fortune  for 
us  both.  You  a merchant!  I a merchant!  We  are  no 
more  fit  for  merchants  than  h — 1 is  for  a powder  house.  I 
am  going.  'In  that  new  State,  I will  make  a man  of  my- 
self again.” 

He  began  at  once  making  preparation  for  the  (at  that 
time)  long  journey.  Casting  at  once  aside  all  his  Indian 
attire,  he  came  out  dressed  as  a white  man,  and,  at  once  re- 
fusing the  use  of  liquor  offered  him  frequently,  as  if  by 
the  stroke  of  the  magician’s  wand,  he  looked  the  man  and 
hero  he  very  soon  became  after  his  arrival  in  Texas. 


Great  Men  Testing  Their  Wits. 

An  anecdote  is  told  at  the  expense  of  the  late  Yiolet-le- 
Duc,  who,  after  having  been  an  attache  of  the  imperial 
court,  became  a republican  municipal  councilor,  which  has 
been  told  of  other  people  before  him. 

One  of  the  amusements  at  Cornpiegne,  was  writing  a lot 
of  questions  on  cards,  whicli  were  then  shuffled  together 
and  drawn  one  at  a time  to  tax  the  wits  of  the  company  in 
provoking  off-hand  witty  answers. 

The  Emperor  happened  while  playing  at  this  game  to 
draw  the  question,  ‘‘How  would  you  distinguish  between 
truth  and  falsehood?” 

“Make  them  go  through  tlie  same  door,”  said  Napo- 
leon ; “the  lie  would  be  first  through.” 

At  that  moment  the  door  opened  and  in  came  M.  Violet- 
le-Duc,  followed  by  Napoleon’s  faithful  friend,  1).  Con- 
neau. 


64 


ANECDOTES 


Some  Strange  Things  which  Great  Men  Have 
Disliked. 

Erasmus,  who  was  a native  of  Kotterdam,  had  so  great 
an  aversion  to  fish,  that  he  could  not  even  smell  it  without 
being  in  a fever.  If  we  may  credit  Ambrose  Pare,  a man 
of  some  celebrity,  he  says  he  could  never  sit  at  a table 
where  eels  were  served  up,  without  fainting.  Joseph 
Scaliger  never  drank  milk,  Carden  could  not  bear  eggs, 
Julius  Caesar  Scaliger  had  an  antipathy  to  cresses;  Ulad- 
istas  Jagelon,  a Polish  King,  hated  apples;  and  when 
Du  Chesne,  Secretary  to  Francis  I.,  smelt  them,  they  oc- 
casioned his  nose  to  bleed.  Henry  III.  could  not  remain 
in  a room  where  there  was  a cat ; the  same  aversion  was 
observed  in  Marshal  Shomberg,  Governor  of  Languedoc. 

The  Emperor  Ferdinand  introduced  a gentleman  to  the 
Cardinal  de  Lorraine  at  Innspruck,  whose  fear  of  cats  was 
so  powerful,  that  when  he  heard  them  mew  at  a distance, 
blood  spurted  from  his  nose.  M.  de  Laucre  says,  that  he 
knew  a gentleman  whose  fear  of  the  hedgehog  was  ex- 
cessive, and  who  believed  that  that  animal  had  actually 
been  preying  on  his  entrails  for  more  than  two  years.  He 
also  relates  another  story,  equally  singular,  of  a gentle- 
man whose  bravery  none  disputed,  but  who  was  so  nerv- 
ous when  a mouse  appeared,  that  he  could  not  take  out  his 
sword  to  destroy  it.  M.  Yaughneim,  the  King’s  hunts- 
man in  Hanover,  fainted  when  he  saw  a roasted  pig.  The 
philosopher  Chrysippas  hated  bows  so  much,  that  when 
he  was  saluted  he  fell  down. 

There  are  persons  who  cannot  tolerate  the  sight  of 
spiders,  and  there  are  those  who  eat  them  for  amusement. 
A friend  of  mine,  a gentleman  brave  as  the  best,  fainted 
when  vaccinated  a few  months  ago.  He  could  not  account 
for  it,  he  said,  as  of  course  there  was  no  pain,  neither  did 
he  feel  any  repugnance. 


OF  NOTED  PERSONS. 


65 


A Zach  Chandler  Story. 

The  recent  anniversary  of  the  birth  of  Lincoln  prompts 
a resident  of  Washington  to  relate  in  a newspaper  of  that 
city  a striking  incident  of  the  civil  war,  in  which  the  late 
Zachary  Chandler  played  a prominent  part. 

The  Washingtonian  was  walking  in  the  avenue,  just  after 
the  first  battle  of  Bull  Kun  had  filled  the  town  with  dismay 
and  despondency,  and  chanced  to  encounter  Chandler, 
greatly  excited  over  the  disastrous  defeat,  and  swearing  like 
a Templar. 

The  Senator  seized  him  by  the  arm — the  two  had  been 
friends  for  years, — and  said : “ Let’s  go  right  up  and  see 
Lincoln.  Something’s  got  to  be  done,  or  the  country’s 
gone  sure.” 

In  a few  minutes  they  entered  the  White  House,  and 
found  Lincoln — he  had  evidently  been  weeping — with  his 
wife,  in  the  blue  room,  in  a state  of  agitation.  The  Presi- 
dent held  out  his  hand,  exclaiming : 

“My  God,  Chandler,  I’m  glad  to  see  you.  We  are 
ruined,  ruined.  What  shall  be  done?” 

“Done?”  echoed  the  Senator.  “What  must  be  done 
is  this : You  must  write  out  a proclamation  at  once,  calling 
for  three  hundred  thousand  men.” 

Lincoln  expostulated.  He  had  not  yet  had  a cabinet 
meeting,  but  he  was  to  have  one  that  evening. 

“We  can’t  wait,”  argued  Chandler;  “we  must  have 
the  proclamation  immediately.  It  will  give  confidence 
to  the  nation.  Without  it  we’ll  be  in  anarchy  before  a 
week.  'Come,  Mr.  President,  there’s  not  a minute  to  lose,” 
and  he  urged  Lincoln  to  a desk  on  which  writing  materials 
lay.  “I’ll  wait  for  the  document  and  take  it  to  the  Asso- 
ciated Press,  and  to-morrow  it  will  be  over  the  country.” 
The  proclamation  was  hurriedly  written  out  and  carried 
ofi*  by  Chandler. 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


The  Falls  of  Niagara  Dry  for  a Whole  Day. 

The  Eight  Eev.  Bishop  Fuller  gives  the  following  re- 
markable story  of  Niagara  Falls:  “The  Falls  of  Niagara 

were  Oiiace  dry  for  a whole  day.  That  day  was  the  31st  of 
March,  1848.  I did  not  witness  it  myself,  but  I was  told 
of  it  the  next  day  by  my  late  brother-in-law,  Thomas  C. 
Street,  Esq.,  M.  P. 

“ Happening  to  go  out  to  his  place  the  next  day,  he  told 
me  that  his  miller  (for  he  has  a grist  mill  on  the  rapids 
above  the  falls)  knocked  at  his  bedroom  door  about  five 
o’clock  in  the  morning  of  that  day,  and  told  him  to  get  up, 
as  there  was  no  water  in  the  mill-race,  and  no  water  in  the 
great  river  outside  of  the  race. 

“He  said  he  was  startled  at  the  intelligence,  and  hurried 
out  as  soon  as  he  could  dress  himself,  and  then  saw  the 
river,  on  the  edge  of  which  he  had  been  born  thirty-four 
years  before,  dry.  After  a hurried  breakfast,  he  said  his 
youngest  daughter  (then  married)  went  down  about  three- 
quarters  of  a mile  to  the  precipice  itself,  over  which  there 
was  so  little  water  running  that,  having  provided  himself 
with  a strong  pole,  they  started  from  Table  Eock  and 
walked  near  the  edge  of  the  precipice  about  one-third  of 
the  way  toward  Goat  Island,  on  the  American  shore,  and 
having  stuck  this  pole  in  a crevice  of  the  rock,  and  Miss 


4 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


Street  having  tied  her  pocket-handkerchief  firmly  on  the 
top  of  the  pole,  they  returned.  He  said  he  then  turned 
his  view  toward  the  river  below  the  falls,  and  saw  the  water 
so  shallow  that  immense  jagged  rocks  stood  up  in  such  a 
frightful  manner  that  he  shuddered  when  he  thought  of  his 
having  frequently  passed  over  them  in  the  little  Maid  of  the 
Mist  (as  I often  have  done.) 

“He  then  turned  toward  home  and  drove  toward  the 
Canada  shore  one-half  mile  above  the  Falls  toward  Goat 
Island.  When  he  told  me  this  he  reproached  himself  very 
much  for  not  having  sent  out  for  me  about  eight  miles  dis- 
tant, but  he  said  that  though  he  had  several  times  intended 
doing  so,  he  each  time  concluded  not  to  do  it  lest,  before 
we  could  reach  the  wonderful  scene,  the  waters  should  have 
returned  to  their  old  courses.  Of  course,  everybody  was 
speaking  of  the  wonderful  event  when  I was  out  there  next 
day,  and  I have  heard  others  who  witnessed  it  speak  of  it 
since  that  time. 

“So  far  can  I testify  to  the  evidence  of  the  fact  at  the 
time  of  its  occurrence. 

“Mr.  Street’s  theory  was  this:  that  the  winds  had  been 
blowing  down  Lake  Erie,  which  is  only  about  thirty  feet 
deep,  and  rushing  a great  deal  of  the  water  from  it  over  the 
falls,  and  suddenly  changed  and  blew  this  little  water 
(comparatively  speaking)  up  to  the  western  portion  of  the 
lake  ; and  at  this  juncture  the  ice  on  Lake  Erie,  which  had 
been  broken  up  by  these  high  winds,  got  jammed  in  the 
river  between  Buffalo  and  Canada  side  and  formed  a dam 
which  kept  back  the  water  of  Lake  Erie  a whole  day.” 

When  this  remarkable  stcry  was  first  told  by  the  Bishop, 
it  was  almost  too  startling  for  human  credulity  and  was 
doubted,  whereupon  the  Bishop  secured  the  following  sworn 
testimony,  taken  before  J.  F.  Macklan,  notary  public.  May, 
17,  1880: 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


5 


“I,  Henry  Bond,  of  the  village  of  Chippewa,  in  the 
county  of  Welland,  blacksmith,  do  solemnly  declare  that  I 
well  remember  the  occurrence  of  there  having  been  a day 
during  which  so  little  water  was  running  in  the  Niagara 
River  that  but  a small  stream  was  flowing  over  the  Falls  of 
Niagara  during  that  day.  It  happened  on  or' about  the 
31st  day  of  March,  A.  D.  1848;  and  I remember  riding  on 
horseback  from  below  the  flouring  mills  and  cloth  factory 
of  the  late  Thomas  C.  Street,  Esq.,  out  into  the  bed  of 
the  river,  and  so  on  down  outside  of  Cedar  Island  to  Table 
Rock.  Farther  up  the  Niagara  River,  at  the  village  of 
Chippewa,  where  the  Welland  River  empties  into  the  Ni- 
agara, there  was  so  little  water  running  tha£  the  Welland 
was  nearly  dry,  only  a very  little  stream  running  in  the 
centre.  I recollect  a number  of  old  gun-barrels  having 
been  found  in  the  bed  of  the  Welland  River  at  its  junction 
with  the  Niagara  River,  supposed  to  have  been  thrown 
into  the  river  during  the  war  of  1812.  Hexry  Bond.  ” 


A Singular  Duel  with  Pianos. 

The  Imparcialy  of  Madrid,  publishes  the  following  start- 
ling account  of  a terrible  duel  at  Valparaiso.  A quarrel 
between  two  rival  professors  of  music  led  to  a challenge, 
the  instrument  selected  being  neither  pen  nor  sword,  but 
the  piano.  The  conditions  of  the  “encounter”  were  that 
neither  party  should  eat  or  drink  until  honor  should  be  de- 
clared duly  satisfled,  and  that  no  waltzes  or  other  lively 
airs  should  be  indulged  in. 

Seconds  were  appointed,  and  the  duel  proceeded  without 
intermission  for  forty-eight  hours,  at  the  end  of  which  time 
one  of  the  musicians,  after  playing  a “Miserere”  for  the 
one  liundred  and  fiftieth  time,  fell  forward  and  sank  ex- 
hausted to  the  floor. 


6 


STAETLIXG  STORIES. 


He  was  taken  up  a corpse.  His  adversary  had  been  lit- 
erally transformed  into  an  “enraged  musician,”  and  was 
in  that  state  transferred  to  the  hospital.  The  seconds 
themselves  gave  signs  of  being  seriously  “touched,”  and 
each  of  the  pianos  was  found  to  be  in  a hopelessly  crazy 
condition.  Such  at  least  is  the  result  of  the  medical  ex- 
amination. 


A Dive  for  Life. 

Just  below  the  Kanawha  Falls,  in  West  Virginia,  writes 
a correspondent  of  the  Louisville  Courier- Journal^  is  an 
overhanging  rock  of  immense  size,  jutting  out  about  one 
hundred  feet  over  the  seething  whirlpool  and  about  the 
same  height  above.  This  was  once  the  scene  of  a remark- 
able adventure. 

The  Indians  were  in  hot  pursuit  of  Van  Bibber,  a settler 
and  a man  of  distinction  in  those  early  times.  He  was 
hard  pressed,  and  all  access  to  the  river  below  and  above 
being  cut  off,  he  was  driven  to  this  jutting  rock,  which 
proved  to  be  the  jumping-off  place  for  him.  He  stood  on 
the  rock,  in  full  view  of  the  enemy  above  and  below,  who 
yelled  like  demons  at  the  certainty  of  his  speedy  capture. 
He  stood  up  boldly,  and  with  his  rifle  kept  them  at  bay. 
As  he  stood  there  he  looked  across  the  river — saw  his 
friends — his  wife  with  her  babe  in  her  arms,  all  helpless  to 
render  assistance.  They  stood  as  if  petrified  with  terror 
and  amazement.  She  cried  at  the  top  of  her  voice  : 

“Leap  into  the  river  and  meet  me  I”  Laying  her  babe 
on  the  grass  she  seized  the  oars  and  sprang  into  the  skiff 
alone.  As  she  neared  the  middle  of  the  river  her  husband 
saw  the  Indians  coming  in  full  force  and  yelling  like  de- 
mons. 

“Wife,  wife!”  he  screamed,  “I’m  coming;  drop  down 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


T 


a little  lower.  ” With  this  he  sprang  from  his  crag  and 
descended  like  an  arrow  into  the  water,  feet  foremost. 

The  wife  rested  on  her  oars  a moment  to  see  him  rise  to 
the  surface,  the  little  canoe  floating  like  a cork,  bobbing 
about  on  the  boiling  flood.  It  was  an  awful  moment ; it 
seemed  an  age  to  her ; would  he  ever  rise  ? Her  earnest 
gaze  seemed  to  penetrate  the  depths  of  the  water,  and  she 
darted  her  boat  further  down  the  stream.  He  rose  near 
her ; in  a moment  the  canoe  was  alongside  of  him,  and  she 
helped  him  to  scramble  into  it  amid  a shower  of  arrows 
and  shot  that  the  baffled  Indians  poured  into  them.  The 
daring  wife  did  not  speak  a word  ; her  husband  was  more 
dead  than  alive,  and  all  depended  on  her  strength  being 
maintained  till  they  could  reach  the  bank.  This  they  did 
just  where  she  had  started,  right  where  the  babe  was  still 
lying,  crowing  and  laughing.  The  men  pulled  the  skill 
high  up  on  the  sand,  and  the  wife  slowly  rose  and  helped  to 
lift  Yan  Bibber  to  his  feet.  He  could  not  walk,  but  she 
laid  him  down  by  his  babe,  and  then,  seating  herself,  she 
wept  wildly,  just  as  any  woman  would  have  done  under  the 
circumstances.  That  babe  is  now  a grandfather,  and  that 
rock  is  called  Yan  Bibber’s  Kock  to  this  day. 


Strange  Dreams. 

Gustave  Brooke,  the  day  before  he  left  London  to  em- 
bark in  the  ill-fated  steamer  u])on  which  he  was  to  have 
sailed  to  Australia,  met  his  friend  Greeves  at  a favorite 
resort  in  the  Strand. 

“ So  you  are  really  off  to-morrow  ? — but  not  for  long,  I 
imagine  ?” 

“Yes,”  said  the  tragedian,  in  an  unusually  grave  tone; 
“yes,  I am  afraid  I may  never  return.” 


8 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


“ Nonsense  ! What  makes  you  have  such  a gloomy  idea 
as  that?” 

“ I’ll  tell  you,  Greeves.  I had  a strange  dream  last 
night.  It  was  this.  I dreamed  that  some  fellow — an 
author — came  to  me  with  the  manuscript  of  a play,  and 
wanted  to  sell  it  to  me.  I saw  in  great  letters  upon  the 
cover  of  the  first  act  the  title.  It  was  ‘The  Wreck.’  I 
turned  over  a few  pages  and  came  to  a sketch  in  ink  of  the 
closing  tableaux,  intended  to  illustrate  the  way  in  which 
the  stage  should  be  set.  Standing  upon  the  deck  of  a 
sinking  vessel  was  a man  clinging  to  the  rigging.  The 
despairing  face  of  that  man  was  a perfect  reproduction  ol 
my  own  features.  The  sight  of  that  agonized  face,  so  per- 
fect a picture  of  myself,  frightened  me  out  of  my  sleep. 
Greeves,  I tell  you  that  dream  means  something  serious.” 

“Pshaw!”  said  Greeves.  “It  means  too  late  hours 
and  too  late  dinners.” 

Brooke  went  his  way,  and  met  the  verification  of  the 
vision  of  his  slumber. 

“I  am  going,  my  boy,”  said  N.  B.  Clarke  to  a brother 
professional  who  entered  the  dying  man’s  apartment  just  as 
the  physician  departed  : “I  am  going.” 

“Nonsense!”  was  the  reply.  “You’re  good  for  many 
years  yet.” 

“Ami?  You  think  so,  do  you?  Last  night  my  wife 
had  three  lights  burning  in  this  room, — three  lights,”  he 
repeated  faintly,  “ and  that  means — death.’ 

A few  hours  after  that,  surely  enough,  death  rang  down 
his  life-curtain  upon  the  last  scene  of  all. 

Edmund  Kean  once  wrote  from  London  to  a friend  in 
Dublin:  “I  am  glad  you  do  not  believe  in  such  omens. 

For  my  part,  I scarcely  know  whether  I should  or  not, 
were  I the  victim  of  such  nightmares.  I never  had  but  one 
such  dream,  and  that  was  on  the  night  poor  B.  died.  It 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


9 


seemed  not  unnatural  that  he  should  come  to  me  in  my 
sleep,  attired  in  his  grave-clothes,  the  more  readily  when 
you  know  that  I had  been  thinking  of  his  deplorable  con- 
dition an  hour  before  I slept.  I had  fallen  asleep  at  11 
o’clock,  on  my  mantel  shelf,  and  I awoke  half  an  hour 
after.  In  that  brief  space  I had  the  dream,  and  in  that 
hour,  almost  to  the  moment,  B.,  as  I next  day  learned,  died. 
Was  that  his  spirit — that  shrouded  form — or  my  imagina- 
tion? I leave  you  to  solve  the  question.” 

To  Macready  the  sight  of  the  toad  in  his  dreams  gave 
him  more  nervous  anxiety  for  hours  after  than  could  “the 
substance  of  ten  thousand  men  armed  in  proof,  and  led  by 
shallow  Riohmondy  One  day,  at  a Drury  Lane  rehearsal, 
Mr.  Byder  said  to  the  great  tragedian : 

“Mr.  Macready,  I had  a queer  dream  last  night — very 

queer — I saw  sitting  on  a huge  rock  a ’ ’ 

“Great  God! — ah — a — a toad  ?”  exclaimed  Macready, 
paling  at  the  very  thought  ot  it. 

“Toad — no,  a pair  of  gigantic  bull-frogs  doing  the  fen- 
cing-scene in  ‘ Hamlet.’  ” 

The  great  interpreter  of  Lear  turned  away  in  disgust  at 
the  overtopping  of  his  toad  omen. 

David  Garrick  regarded  the  appearance  of  a sword  or 
knives  in  a dream,  as  an  omen  of  impending  danger. 

A week  or  two  before  his  death,  George  Frederick 
Cooke  had  a “ distempered  vision  ” of  a scene  in  “Bi chard 
III.,” — the  scene  in  which  the  coffin  of  the  dead  king  is 
brought  on.  He  thought,  as  he  in  the  dream  uttered  the 
lines,  “Stay,  you  that  bear  the  corpse,”  etc.,  that  there 
suddenly  appeared  on  the  black  velvet  pall,  in  white  letters, 
his  own  name.  It  is  possible,  however,  that  Cooke’s  vision 
may  have  been  the  result  of  an  over-feasting  and  a suj)er- 
fluity  of  “great  draughts  of  Bhenish  ” or  otlier  equally 
potent  spirit  at  the  old  Shades,  in  Thames  street,  which,-  in 


10 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


his  time,  was  the  resort  of  all  “ good  fellows  and  true  ” of 
the  town.  Poor  Cooke.  He  lies  quiet  enough  now  in  the 
old  churchyard  on  Yesey  street  and  Broadway. 

Lucille  Western  had  something  of  faith  in  the  weird 
signs  and  forerunners  that  come  when  least  expected 
“from  out  the  vague  and  boundless  dreamland.”  She  once 
informed  an  intimate  friend  that  she  knew,  a month  before 
the  sad  event  occurred,  that  her  sister  Helen,  when  play- 
ing in  Philadelphia,  was  soon  to  die,  or  meet  with  some 
fearful  accident. 

“I  saw  the  whole  scene  of  her  death — the  room,  the 
persons  at  the  bedside,  the  very  color  of  the  walls,  the  posi- 
tion of  the  windows,  and  her  face  as  she  lifted  up  her  head 
for  the  last  time — I saw  it  all,  and  I shall  never  forget  that 
dream  and  its  fearful  realization  as  long  as  I live.” 

“If  you  ever  stumble  the  first  time  you  enter  the  theatre 
in  which  you  are  engaged,  you  can  make  up  your  mind 
either  your  stay  will  be  short  or  you’ll  have  trouble,”  said 
a veteran  comedian,  the  other  evening.  “You  may  laugh 
as  much  as  you  like  at  it,  but  it’s  so ; and  a trip  on  the  car- 
pet while  you’re  on  the  stage  means — well,  it  means  more 
than  a fall  or  a bruised  knee  in  trying  to  save  yourself. 
You  remember  Amy  Fawcett?  She  stumbled  on  her  first 
entrance  the  first  night  she  played  at  the  Fifth  Avenue,  and 
in  three  months  she  died  almost  friendless  and  forsaken. 


Goose-Bone  Weather  Predictions. 

The  goose-bone  is  more  closely  watched  in  Kentucky, 
says  the  Louisville  Commercial^  than  in  any  other  part  of 
the  country.  It  has  been  handed  down  among  the  early 
traditions  of  the  State,  and  may  be  called  the  Kentucky 
weather-prophet.  It  is  to  be  found  in  nearly  every  Ken- 
tucky country-home,  and  in  many  parts  of  the  State  the 


SIAETLING  STORIES. 


11 


farmers  consult  it,  and  prepare  for  handling  their  crops  in 
accordance  with  its  readings.  The  prophecy  of  the  goose- 
bone  does  not  extend  beyond  the  year  in  which  the  goose 
was  hatched,  and  the  prediction  is  for  the  three  winter 
months  only.  Take  the  breast-bone  of  a last  spring’s  goose 
and  divide  it  into  three  equal  parts,  and  the  different 
divisions  will  represent  December,  January  and  February. 
The  breast-bone  of  a goose  is  translucent,  and,  if  clear  when 
held  up  to  the  light,  the  weather  will  be  mild  and  pleasant; 
but,  if  covered  with  cloud-like  blots,  it  will  be  gloomy  and 
cold ; the  heavier  the  blots,  the  colder  will  be  the  weather. 


A Remarkable  Blind  Man. 

James  Goodsell,  of  Burlington,  says  the  Waterbury 
American^  from  his  birth,  during  a life  of  nearly  90  years, 
had  been  totally  blind.  In  early  childhood,  however,  Mr. 
Goodsell  had  said  that  the  darkness  was  in  a few  instances 
broken  by  faint  glimmerings  of  light.  Of  four  children, 
he  and  a sister  were  blind,  the  others  could  see.  The  sister, 
though  at  first  possessed  of  ordinary  vision,  soon  by  a mys- 
terious change,  became  wholly  deprived  of  sight. 

In  absolute  darkness,  the  ordinary  employment  of  work- 
a-day  life  would  seem  impracticable,  but  this  blind  man 
would  swing  an  ax  with  the  dexterity  of  a woodsman,  and 
actually  felled  trees ; he  was  an  accomplished  grain-thresher, 
and  would  frequently  go  alone  a distance  of  two  miles  to 
thresh  for  the  Burlington  farmers,  climbing  the  mows  to 
throw  down  the  grain ; he  could  hoe  corn  or  garden  stuff 
as  well  as  anybody,  having  no  trouble  to  distinguish  the 
weeds;  he  would  set  a hundred  bean  poles  with  more 
accuracy  than  most  people  who  can  see,  would  load  hay 
beautifully,  and  was  so  good  a mechanic  that  he  manufac- 


12 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


tured  yokes  and  other  fiirin  articles  with  success.  He  had 
an  excellent  memory  and  was  an  authority  on  facts  and 
dates.  He  could  generally  tell  the  time  of  day  or  night 
within  a few  minutes. 

One  instance  is  given  when  he  slept  over  one  day  and 
awoke  at  evening,  thinking  it  was  morning.  For  once  he 
ate  supper  for  breakfast,  but  when  informed  of  his  mistake 
slept  another  twelve  hours  in  order  to  get  straight  again. 
He  was  familiar  with  forest  trees,  and  knew  just  where  to 
go  for  any  timber  desired.  He  could  direct  men  where  to 
find  a chestnut,  a maple  or  an  oak,  and  the  children  where 
to  go  for  berries.  He  was  a good  mathematician,  and  could 
compute  accurately  and  rapidly.  In  olden  days  he  was 
quite  musically  inclined,  and  like  most  blind  people,  he  had 
a genius  in  that  direction.  He  was  at  one  time  leader  of 
the  Presbyterian  choir  in  that  place.  For  two  years  he  and 
the  blind  sister  kept  house  together,  though  she  and  the 
other  members  of  the  family  have  long  since  passed  away. 


Singular  Ideas  of  the  Cross. 

In  the  west  of  England,  says  All  the  Year  Bound,  there 
is  a tradition  that  the  cross  was  formed  of  the  mistletoe, 
which  before  that  event  used  to  be  a fine  forest  tree,  but 
has  since  been  doomed  to  lead  a parasitical  existence.  The 
Gypsies  believe  that  it  was  made  of  the  ash  tree.  The 
nails  used  at  the  crucifixion,  said  to  have  been  found  by 
Helena,  are  reported  to  have  worked  many  miracles.  One 
of  them  was  thrown  by  her  into  the  Adriatic  during  a 
storm,  and  produced  a perfect  calm.  Another,  placed  in 
the  crown  or  helm  of  Constantine,  was  found  in  a mutilated 
state  in  the  Church  of  Santa  Croce.  The  third  is  said  to 
be  in  the  possession  of  the  Duemo  of  Milan,  while  that  of 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


13 


Treves  claims  the  fourth.  In  the  time  of  Charlemagne  a 
new  relic  was  discovered  in  the  shape  of  a sponge  soaked 
in  the  blood  of  Christ.  In  Cheshire  the  Arum  maculatum 
is  called  “Gethsemane”  because  it  is  said  to  have  been 
growing  at  the  foot  of  the  cross,  and  to  have  received  some 
drops  of  blood  on  its  petals.  The  dirpe  of  Mamre  died  at 
the  crucifixion!  ‘‘Christ’s  thorn”  is  a very  common  tree 
in  Palestine.  In  Scotland  it  was  formerly  believed  that  the 
dwarf  birch  is  stunted  in  growth  because  the  rods  with 
which  Christ  was  scourged  were  made  from  it.  These  are 
the  popular  ideas  of  the  material  of  the  cross,  some  of 
which  will,  perhaps,  never  be  entirely  obliterated  until  the 
last  great  day,  when  “all  things  shall  be  made  plain.” 


A Singular  Congregation  in  an  Old  Church. 

It  is  four  o’clock,  and  the  sun  begins  to  lower,  so  that  its 
slant  rays  peer  in  through  the  windows  of  the  old  church 
in  a quiet  hamlet  of  Old  Yirginia,  broken  by  the  shadows 
of  the  cottonwood  trees  beside  it,  that  have  stood  there 
half  a century. 

There  is  still  a lazy  chirp  and  busy  whirr  of  bird  and  in- 
sect, mingled  with  the  sound  of  the  tiny  stream  that  tinkles 
over  the  stones,  telling  in  its  garrulous  way  a long,  long 
tale  to  all  the  fiowers  adown  the  valley. 

But  inside  the  widely  opened  door  one  sees  no  orderly 
congregation  of  worshipers,  no  man  of  God  in  the  high, 
old-fashioned  pulpit,  nor  hears  the  sound  of  solemn  psalm 
or  holy  chant.  In  the  square  pew  where  the  De  Lacys 
were  wont  to  sit  for  generations  gone,  are  boards  and  blan- 
kets laid  across,  supporting  wounded — nay,  dying  men. 
In  yonder  slip,  where  the  bright  eyes  of  Lily  Mason  used 
to  wander  sadly  from  the  speaker,  lies  a lonely  German, 


u 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


muttering  in  his  troubled  dreams  the  visions  of  his  father- 
land,  which  he  shall  never  see  again. 

In  the  pew  where  General  Yj'se  was  wont  to  sit  a rest- 
less hour  or  two  on  Sabbath  days,  lies  his  college  chum 
with  a bullet  in  his  shoulder  from  General  Yjse’s  gun ; but 
he  does  not  know,  thank  Heaven,  whose  hand  among  the 
Confederates  sent  it  there.  Within  the  altar  railing  lie 
moaning  men  with  aching  limbs  and  fevered  wounds.  In 
the  pulpit  sit  the  surgeons,  preparing  draught  and  lotion, 
knife  and  bandage,  for  their  work.  On  the  steps  loiter  one 
or  two  who  have  walked  through  the  shadow  of  the  valley, 
and  wear  its  solemn  grayness  on  their  faces  still. 


Startling  Freaks  of  Figures*. 

In  its  facetious  manner  the  Norristown  Herald  says  : 

“Figures  won’t  lie,”  says  the  poet — whose  name  has 
slipped  our  memory.  Perhaps  not;  but  sometimes  they 
make  most  remarkable  statements  and  stand  up  to  their 
work  in  such  a shaky  manner  that  our  confidence  in  their 
veracity  is  greatly  shaken. 

A good  multiplication-table-wrestler  will  pile  up  column 
after  column  of  figures  to  prove  that  the  defeat  of  his  po- 
litical candidate  this  year  by  15,000  majority  against  8,000 
last  year  is  a gain  for  his  side  of  7,000  votes. 

If  such  curious  ciphering  doesn’t  create  a strong  suspi- 
cion that  the  figures  lie  like  the  annual  statement  of  a New 
York  life-insurance  company,  it  at  least  leaves  an  impres- 
sion that  they  are  weak  in  the  limbs, — and  often  cut  a 
pretty  figure,  figuratively  speaking. 

The  man  who  has  the  multiplication  table  at  his  fingers^ 
ends,  and  can  foot  up  a column  of  figures  six  inches  high 
and  two  broad  as  quick  as  you  could  pronounce  half  of  a 


STARTLING-  STORIES. 


15 


name  of  a Kussian  General,  is  a serpent  in  the  social  circle, 
— a sort  of  a boa,  or  bore,  or, — well,  he’s  an  adder  any- 
how. He  is  as  great  a nuisance  as  the  indefatigable  bore 
who  propounds  such  questions  as  this:  “Suppose  your 
mother’s  daughter  married  your  grandfather’s  nephew  on 
your  uncle’s  side,  what  relation  would  their  children  be  to 
your  aunt’s  step-mother?” — or  somehow  that  way.  You 
probably  have  met  such  bores. 

The  multiplication- table  man,  at  the  risk  of  his  life,  will 
tell  you  9 multiplied  387,420,489  times  by  itself  would  re- 
quire 389,693,100  ciphers,  and  to  count  it,  working  ten 
hours  daily,  would  take  15  years  and  230  days.  And  then 
you  heave  a sigh  a mile  long  and  wish  with  all  your  might 
that  he  would  go  oif  somewhere  by  himself  and  work  out 
the  problem.  If  to  perform  this  arithmetical  task  required 
only  five  years  and  no  days,  we  don’t  suppose  one  of  the 
adder’s  hearer’s  would  go  to  work  at  the  job. 

The  inventor  of  the  game  of  che«s  was  bade  by  the  King 
of  India  to  name  his  own  reward,  upon  which  he  asked  to 
receive  the  number  of  grains  of  wneat  that  would  be  pro- 
duced if  one  grain  were  paid  him  for  the  first  square  of 
the  chess,  two  for  the  second,  four  for  the  third,  eight  for 
the  fourth,  and  so  on  doubled  up  for  every  square  of  the 
sixty-four.  When  these  amounts  were  added  the  sum  was 
found  to  be  18,446,744,073,909,551,615  of  grains,  “enough 
to  cover  all  the  continents  of  the  earth  with  a layer  one- 
third  of  an  inch  in  thickness.  ’ ’ 

The  name  of  the  party  who  counted  the  grains  is  not 
given,  but  it  is  highly  probable  that  he  stopped  count- 
ing at  the  expiration  of  the  ninety- seventh  year,  and 
wearily  exclaiming,  “ ’Tis  wheat  to  be  remembered,” 
guessed  at  the  number  remaining.  History  doesn’t  say  so, 
but  it  must  have  gone  against  the  grain  of  the  King 
to  fulfill  his  promise.  The  whole  story,  however,  sounds 


■».»  \ 


16  STARTLING  STORIES. 

like  a campaign  lie,  invented  by  the  inventor  for  some  sin- 
ister purpose. 

Light,  according  to  Prof.  Somebody,  travels  192,000 
miles  a second.  This  is  much  faster  than  the  defaulting 
President  of  a saving-bank  travels,  lie  prefers  darkness 
when  he  goes,  and  travels  at  the  rate  of  thirty  miles  an 
hour,  but  regrets  that  he  can’t  make  as  good  time  as  light. 

Another  figure-twister  says  that  if  one  cent  were  set  out 
at  compound  interest  in  the  year  1 at  per  cent.,  the  1st 
of  January,  1866,  it  would  amount  to  1 quintillion  201,458 
quadrillions  392  trillions  of  millions. 

A cent  is  a very  small  sum,  and  we  all  might  set  out  that 
amount  at  compound  interest  for  the  benefit  of  our  posteri- 
ty eighteen  hundred  and  sixty  years  hence.  But  some  per- 
sons persistently  refuse  to  do  anything  for  posterity,  simply 
because  posterity  has  never  done  anything  for  them ! 

The  same  authority  further  declares  that  if  we  paid  the 
Tax  Collector  the  amount  above  mentioned  in  silver  he 
would  need  3,003,445,000,000,000,000,000  wagons  for  its 
transportation. 

When  you  owe  that  much  taxes,  therefore,  you  had  bet- 
ter pay  the  collector  in  greenbacks  or  checks,  for — to  quote 
the  Professor  aforesaid — “a  robbery  could  be  committed 
on  the  hindmost  wagon  which  would  not  be  discovered  till 
the  24, 780th  generation  of  tax  collectors.” 

Hence  the  tax  gleaner,  to  save  his  reputation  and  money, 
and  prevent  being  removed  to  make  room  for  a man  be- 
longing to  the  opposite  political  party,  would  be  compelled 
to  employ  a force  larger  than  the  United  States  army  be- 
fore it  was  cut  down  to  10,000  men  to  please  Mr.  Dana  of 
the  Kew  York  Sun^  to  travel  along  with  the  wagon  train 
to  protect  it  from  the  depredations  of  road  agents — especial- 
ly if  he  was  going  in  the  direction  of  the  Black  Hills. 

This  sum  of  money,  we  are  also  informed,  distributed 


LIBRARY- 

UNIVERSny  OF  ilLlNOlS 
URBANA' 


r'THC^ 


• ! 

i ' 


41 


i 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


17 


among  the  people  of  the  earth,  would  give  each  of  its 
1,000,000,000  of  inhabitants  about  1,200  trillions  of  dollars, 
and  he  or  she  could  every  second  use  $2,000,000  for  38,- 

096.000  years  without  reaching  the  bottom  of  his  or  her 
purse  ? 

But  who  wants  to  spend  that  much  money  in  that  many 
years  ? Better  give  some  of  it  to  the  poor — though,  by  the 
way,  come  to  think  of  it,  there  would  be  no  poor  to  receive 
it.  Such  a distribution,  moreover,  would  not  make  things 
as  pleasant  for  us  as  at  first  sight  appears.  If  everybody 
had  an  endless  purse  for  38,096,000  years,  nobody  could 
be  induced  to  do  any  work,  and  we  should  all  be  obliged 
to  make  our  own  shirts,  and  trousers,  and  things.  The 
only  alternative  would  be  to  go  without  clothes  and  join  the 
Lydia  Thompson  ballet  troupe. 

Let  us  remark,  parenthetically,  that  while  writing  of 
these  colossal  sums  of  money  we  become  totally  oblivious 
to  the  hard,  sad  fact  that  our  own  salary  is  under  $28,000 
a year. 

Twenty-four  letters  of  the  alphabet  can  be  changed 

620.448.401.733.239.439.360.000  of  times,  all  of  which 
changes  could  not  be  written  by  the  population  of  the  whole 
world  in  1,000  years. 

A party  named  Euler  says  so. 

How  he  discovered  the  remarkable  fact  is  not  stated. 

We  rather  surmise  that  Mr.  Euler  would  feel  deepl}’’ 
chagrined  if  the  entire  population  of  the  earth  were  to  set 
to  work  and  write  out  all  these  changes  in  one-half  the  time 
he  says  it  would  require  to  perform  the  task,  and  thus 
knock  over  his  astounding  calculations. 

Again,  we  are  told  that  twelve  persons  can  interchange 
their  respective  positions  499,001,600  times;  but  it  would 
take  them  not  less  than  1,848  years  to  accomplish  this 
number  of  changes,  if  they  moved  once  every  minute  for 


18 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


twelve  consecutive  hours  daily.  If  any  twelve  of  our  read- 
ers doubt  the  correctness  of  this  statement,  they  should  get 
together  and  try  the  experiment.  If  they  perform  the  task 
in  less  time  than  1,818  years  they  will  please  notify  us  by 
postal  card. 

Card-players  who  have  a run  of  poor  cards  may  be  in- 
terested to  know  that  the  fifty-two  cards,  with  thirteen  to 
each  of  the  four  players,  can  be  distributed  in  53, Gil, 737,- 
756,188,792,839,237,110,000  different  ways.  So  if  the  play- 
er doesn’t  get  a good  hand  the  first  deal,  he  may  be  more 
successful  on  the  forty-seventh  quintillion  shuffle,  if  not 
sooner.  This  should  encourage  him  to  keep  his  spirits  up. 


The  Future  of  the  Republic. 

ONE  THOUSAND  MILLION  POPULATION  IN  1980. 

Says  the  London  Telegraph:  IVhen,  in  177G,  the  thir- 
teen N’orth  American  colonies  put  forth  that  Declaration  of 
Independence  which  preluded  the  birth  of  a nation,  the 
combined  white  population  inhabiting  them  did  not  exceed 

2.500.000.  Yet  they  had  the  courage  to  throw  down  the 
gage  of  battle  to  a power  “with  which,”  in  Daniel  Web- 
ster’s words,  “for  purposes  of  foreign  conquest  and  subju- 
gation, Rome,  in  the  height  of  her  glory,  was  not  to  be 
compared ; a power  which  has  dotted  over  the  surface  of 
the  whole  globe  with  her  possessions  and  military  posts, 
whose  morning  drum-beat,  following  the  sun  and  keeping 
company  with  the  hours,  circles  the  earth  with  one  contin- 
uous and  unbroken  strain  of  martial  airs  of  England.” 
Fourteen  years  later  came,  in  1790,  the  first  census  of  pop- 
ulation taken  in  the  United  States,  and  it  was  found  that 
within  the  borders  of  the  young  nation  there  were  not  quite 

1.000. 000  souls.  At  the  expiration  of  ten  years  it  appeared, 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


19 


upon  taking  the  second  census,  that  the  population  was  a 
little  more  than  5,250,000,  having  increased  between  1790 
and  1800  at  the  rate  of  35  per  cent.  In  a short  time  the 
tenth  census  of  what  has  long  been  a mighty  people  will 
be  taken,  and  we  risk  little  in  saying  that,  in  Joseph  Hume’s 
phrase,  “the  tottle  of  the  whole”  will  show  a population 
of  at  least  50,000,000,  especially  if  the  immigrants  who  are 
now  pouring  into  the  United  States  in  vast  numbers  are  not 
omitted  from  the  calculation.  In  other  words,  the  popula- 
tion of  the  great  Eepublic  in  1880  will  be  their  population 
in  1776  multiplied  by  twenty,  and  were  it  likely  that  the 
same  ratio  of  increase  could  bo  maintained  for  another  cen- 
tury, the  mind  of  man  would  sink  before  the  effort  of 
imagining  what  it  is  possible  for  the  monster  Republic  to 
be  in  1980.  However  boundless  the  resources  of  the  North 
American  continent  may  be,  it  can  hardly  be  expected 
that  the  second  century  of  the  United  States  will  be  cele- 
brated by  a thousand  million  human  beings,  and  yet  such 
would  be  the  result  of  multiplying  fifty  millions  by  twenty. 
Anyhow  it  is  certain  that  a century  hence  no  such  assem- 
blage of  men  speaking  the  same  language  and  amenable  to 
the  same  general  traditions  of  feeling,  habit  and  education, 
will  ever  have  been  gathered  together  upon  earth  as  will 
then  propably  occupy  the  great  Western  Continent. 


A Shower  of  Lightning. 

A STRANGE  ELECTRICAL  PHENOMENON. 

A remarkable  electrical  phenomenon,  says  the  London 
Times^  occurred  recently  at  Clarens.  Heavy  masses  of 
rain-cloud  hid  from  view  the  mountains  which  separate  Fri- 
bourg from  Montreaux,  but  their  summits  were  from  time 
to  time  lit  up  with  vivid  flashes  of  lightning,  and  a heavy 
thunder-storm  seemed  to  be  raging  in  the  valleys  of  the 


20 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


Avants  and  the  Allizal.  No  rain  was  falling  near  the  lake, 
and  the  storm  still  appeared  far  otf,  when  a tremendous 
peal  of  thunder  shook  the  houses  of  Clarens  and  Tavel  to 
their  foundations.  At  the  same  instant  a magnificent 
cherry  tree  near  the  cemetery,  measuring  a meter  in  cir- 
cumference, was  struck  by  lightning.  Some  people  who 
were  working  in  a vineyard  close  by  saw  the  electric  fluid 
play  about  a little  girl  who  had  been  gathering  cherries, 
and  was  already  thirty  paces  from  the  tree.  She  was  lit- 
erally folded  in  a sheet  of  fire.  The  vine-dressers  fled  in 
terror  from  the  spot.  In  the  cemetery  six  persons  sep- 
arated into  three  groups,  none  of  them  within  two  hundred 
and  fifty  paces  of  the  cherry  tree,  were  enveloped  in  a 
luminous  cloud.  The}"  felt  as  if  they  were  being  struck  in 
the  face  with  hailstones  or  fine  gravel,  and  when  they 
touched  each  other  sparks  of  electricity  passed  from  their 
finger-ends.  At  the  same  time  a column  of  fire  was  seen 
to  descend  in  the  direction  of  Chatelard,  and  it  is  averred 
that  the  electric  fluid  could  be  distinctly  heard  as  it  ran 
from  point  to  point  of  the  iron  railing  of  a vault  in  the 
•cemetery. 

The  strangest  part  of  the  story  is,  that  neither  the  little 
girl,  the  people  in  the  cemetery,  nor  the  vine-dressers  ap- 
pear to  have  been  hurt ; the  only  inconvenience  complained 
of  being  an  unpleasant  sensation  in  the  joints,  as  if  they 
had  been  violently  twisted,  a sensation  which  was  felt  with 
more  or  less  acuteness  for  a few  hours  after.  The  explana- 
tion of  this  phenomenon  is  probably  to  be  found  in  Prof. 
Oolladon’s  theory  of  the  way  in  which  lightning  descends, 
as  described  in  a letter  on  the  efiect  of  lightning  on  trees, 
printed  in  the  London  Time&.  The  professor  contends 
that  it  falls  in  a shower,  not  in  a perpendicular  flash,  and 
that  it  runs  along  branches  of  trees  until  it  is  all  gathered 
in  the  trunk,  which  it  bursts  or  tears  open  in  its  effort  to 


SIAKTLING  STOKIES. 


21 


reach  the  ground.  In  the  instance  in  question,  the  trunk 
of  the  cherry  tree  is  as  completely  shivered  as  if  it  had 
been  exploded  by  a charge  of  dynamite.  A part  of  tlie 
shower  which  destroyed  the  tree  fell  where  the  little  girl 
was  standing,  but,  distributed  over  the  grass,  left  her  un- 
harmed, and  was  so  disseminated  in  the  cemetery  that  the 
six  persons  upon  whom  the  electric  rain  descended  escaped 
without  serious  injury. 


A Funeral  Without  a Corpse. 

“Hamlet,  Prince  of  Denmark,  with  the  part  of  Hamlet 
omitted  by  particular  desire,”  would  scarcely  be  a more 
remarkable  performance  than  a burial  from  which  the  corpse 
had  been  “left  out”  by  mistake.  Such  inattention  to  de- 
tail on  the  part  of  all  concerned  in  the  ceremony  of  sepul- 
ture, as  is  involved  in  the  latter  omission,  appears  almost 
incredible.  ^Nevertheless,  a strange  story,  published  in  the 
leading  Italian  newspapers,  gives  an  example  of  this  sin- 
gular anomaly. 

It  is  stated  that  a native  of  Bossito,  Lombardy,  lately 
suffered  bereavement  by  the  death  of  his  wife,  and  his 
grief  for  the  departed  was  so  poignant  that  his  relatives 
deemed  it  expedient  to  prevent  him  from  being  present  at 
the  final  preparations  for  the  funeral  ceremony,  and  from 
assisting  in  person  at  its  celebration.  Beturning  to  his 
house  late  in  the  evening  after  the  burial,  and  entering  his 
bed-room,  he  found  to  his  horror  and  consternation  the  life- 
less form  of  his  wife,  robed  in  its  death  cerements,  reclining 
on  the  bier,  and  still  awaiting  interment.  The  widower 
rushed  into  the  street,  and  lost  no  time  in  notifying  what 
he  had  seen  to  the  police  authorities,  wlio  at  first  inclined 
to  the  opinion  that  sorrow  had  turned  his  brain.  On  ac- 
companying him  home,  however,  tliey  soon  convinced 


22 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


themselves  that  his  extraordinary  statement  was  in  every 
particular  correct.  Inquiries  were  forthwith  instituted,  and 
resulted  in  the  amazing*  discovery  that  the  village  under- 
taker had  “forgotten  all  about  the  corpse,”  and  had  nailed 
up  an  empty  coffin,  which  had  been  subsequently  conveyed 
and  consigned  to  the  grave  with  due  religious  ceremony 
and  sorrowful  observance. 


A Peruvian  Experience. — What  a Baby  Letter  Did. 

A San  Francisco  gentleman,  who  was  some  time  since  in 
South  America,  having  occasion  to  go  from  Valparaiso  to 
Tacna,  Peru,  on  legitimate  private  business,  was  arrested 
upon  suspicion  of  being  a Chilian  spy.  Being  anxious  to 
penetrate  into  Bolivia,  and  unable  to  obtain  a passport,  he 
ran  the  Chilian  blockade  from  Iquique,  and  arrived  in  Tacna 
with  little  baggage,  carrying  in  his  pockets  some  business 
and  family  correspondence  and  family  photographs.  One 
of  these  home  letters  contained  the  painted  head  of  a paper 
doll,  sent  to  him  by  his  two-year-old  boy,  and  a funny  let- 
ter, scrawled  in  unmeaning  hieroglyphics  by  the  same  baby 
hands.  These  mementoes  were  viewed  with  great  suspi- 
cion by  the  officials,  and  deemed  quite  sufficient  to  justify 
his  being  shot. 

lie  was  incarcerated  in  a dungeon,  guarded  by  two  senti- 
nals,  and  kept  for  the  first  three'  days  without  food.  In  the 
course  of  a few  days  every  Chilian  in  the  province  was 
arrested,  and  as  the  families  of  the  prisoners  were  allowed 
to  visit  them,  the  American  managed  to  smuggle  a letter  to 
a prominent  merchant  of  the  place,  a Mr.  Camerery^  of  the 
firm  of  Camerery  & Koch,  to  whom  he  had  brought  letters 
of  introduction.  This  gentleman  finally  succeeded,  at  the 
expiration  of  three  weeks,  in  obtaining  his  release.  His 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


23 


confiscated  possessions  were  returned  to  him,  with  the 
exception  of  the  mementoes  described,  which  will  probablj 
occupy  important  places  in  Peruvian  annals,  to  the  surprise 
of  the  little  fellow  who  sent  them. 

The  prisoner  was  discharged  by  the  authorities  with  con- 
siderable reluctance,  a fact  perhaps  in  part  due  to  his  man- 
ner of  reception  of  their  courtesies.  Even  the  three  days’ 
starving  did  not  tame  him,  for  when  they  sounded  him,  at 
the  end  of  that  time,  to  see  whether  he  was  ready  to  come 
to  terms,  and  yield  the  key  to  the  mysterious  cipher,  he 
told  them  he  would  acknowledge  he  was  hungry,  and  in- 
formed them  that  if  they  would  roast  their  Prefect  or  Gen- 
eral Montero,  he  would  gladly  eat  them,  and  the  act  might 
make  him  a civilized  Peruano. 


“The  Avenger  of  Mankind.” 

A GENUINE  TRAGEDY  ON  THE  STAGE. 

A terrible  scene  took  place  in  the  Teatro  del  Circo  Lt 
Madrid.  During  the  performance  a madman  forced  his  way 
into  the  house,  armed  with  a hatchet,  and  contrived  to  climb 
from  the  auditorium  upon  the  stage,  where,  brandishing  his 
weapon  furiously,  he  announced  himself  to  the  terrified 
audience  as  “the  avenger  of  mankind.”  Upon  one  of  the 
attendants  approaching  him  with  the  object  of  persuading 
him  to  withdraw  from  the  stage,  he  smote  the  unfortunate 
man  to  the  earth  with  one  deadly  blow ; and  he  managed 
to  keep  the  police  off,  when  they  attempted  to  arrest  him, 
by  whirling  his  hatchet  round  his  head  with  such  force  and 
swiftness  that  none  of  the  “agents  of  authority”  dared  to 
rush  in  upon  him.  Presently,  however,  a party  of  soldiers 
made  their  appearance  in  the  theatre,  under  the  command 
of  an  officer,  who  summoned  the  raging  maniac  to  give  up 


24 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


his  weapon  and  surrender  himself,  but  in  vain;  whereupon 
the  detachment  received  orders  to  fire  at  him  with  blank 
cartridge,  in  the  hope  of  frightening  him  into  submission. 
All  this  while  he  was  yelling  at  the  top  of  his  voice,  fiour- 
ishing  his  hatchet,  and  threatening  to  kill  anybody  who 
should  approach  him.  Recognizing  the  impossibility  of 
overpowering  him  without  risking  the  soldiers’  lives,  the 
officer  in  command  gave  the  order  to  load  with  ball  and  fire 
upon  him.  A minute  later  the  wretched  man  lay  a corpse 
upon  the  stage,  three  bullets  having  passed  through  his 
head ; and  this  highly  sensational  dramatic  episode  having 
been  thus  brought  to  a close,  the  audience  returned  to  their 
places,  from  which  they  had  fled  in  terror  when  the  mad- 
man made  his  first  and  last  appearance  upon  the  stage, 
and  the  evening’s  performances  were  resumed  at  the  point 
at  which  they  had  been  interrupted  by  “mankind’s 
avenger.” 


Superstition  Among  German  Soldiers. 

Dr.  Russ  tells  a story  of  an  Hungarian  officer  who  was 
severely,  though  by  no  means  fatally,  wounded  on  the  field 
of  Sadowa.  He  was  fast  bleeding  to  death,  however,  when 
the  surgeon  came  to  him,  but  might  have  been  saved  had 
he  not  obstinately  refused  all  aid.  The  surgeon  noticed 
that  he  held  something  very  tightly  in  his  hand,  which  he 
pressed  convulsively  to  his  breast. 

Presently  he  began  to  tremble  very  violently,  and  crying 
out,  “It  has  done  me  no  good  !”  threw  away  a piece  of 
paper,  and  then  expired. 

The  paper  was  found  to  be  a talisman,  bearing  some 
written  characters  which  were  quite  unintelligible.  The 
poor  fellow  trusted  in  its  supernatural  power  until  aid  by 


STAETLING-  STOKIES.  25> 

natural  means  was  out  of  the  question,  and  then  cast  it 
away  with  a pang  of  despair. 

Many  a similar  agonizing  discovery  was  made  during  the 
war  of  1870-Yl,  too  late  for  the  learner  to  profit  by  the  ex- 
perience. After  the  battle  of  Worth  in  particular,  a great 
number  of  talismans,  charms,  and  the  like,  were  picked  up 
close  to  the  corpses  of  those  who  had  clung  to  them  until, 
in  their  last  agony,  they  had  lost  faith  in  their  healing 
virtue,  and  had  flung  them  away.  It  must  not  be  supposed, 
however,  that  the  German  soldier  as  a class  is  given  to  this 
kind  of  superstition.  It  was  found  on  investigation  that 
there  was  a close  relation  between  education  and  the  ex- 
istence of  these  beliefs.  The  provinces  which  were  in  the 
lowest  state  as  regards  education,  gave  the  largest  contin- 
gent of  those  who  were  thus  credulous.  Talismans,  charms, 
letters  of  exemptions,  etc.,  were  found  in  the  largest  propor- 
tion among  recruits  from  the  Polish  provinces,  and  in  those 
provinces  education  is  at  the  lowest  point. — All  the  Year 
Round. 


How  the  White  Man  Gained  Everything. 

The  Kaffir  cosmogony  says  that  three  nations  were  cre- 
ated— the  Whites,  the  Amacosa  and  the  Amalouw.  They 
assembled  before  Teco,  the  Creator,  to  receive  his  bounty. 
A honey-bird  drew  off  the  Hottentots  in  full  cry.  Teco,  in 
wrath,  condemned  them  to  exist  on  wild  roots  and  honey- 
bees, and  possess  no  stock  whatever.  The  Kaffirs  eagerly 
claimed  this  one  and  that  one  from  out  of  the  herds  of 
cattle.  Teco,  indignant  at  their  greediness,  said  they  sliould 
have  no  better  gifts.  The  Wliites,  patiently  waited  till 
they  had  received  land,  cattle  and  all  other  property.  Such 
is  the  narrative  of  the  Cape. 


26 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


How  to  Spell  Isaac. 

Mr.  Isaac  Staples,  of  Stillwater,  Minn.,  is  a lumber 
dealer  who  has  had  an  extensive  correspondence.  Ilis 
bookkeeper  has  made  a memorandum  of  the  fact  every 
time  the  given  name  of  Mr.  Staples  has  been  misspelled  in 
a letter  addressed  to  him.  The  correspondence  has  already 
yielded  the  following  fifty  erroneous  spellings,  which  will 
be  read  with  delight  by  the  spelling  reformers : 


Isiac, 

Isic, 

Iceic, 

Isick, 

Icaac, 

lisac. 

Isiaac, 

Isaas, 

Issacc, 

Icaace, 

Icaack, 

Isaacce, 

Isica, 

Isaace, 

I Sick, 

Iseac, 

Icaas, 

laac, 

Iseke, 

Isich, 

Isac, 

Icks, 

lassac. 

Issick, 

Jsaac, 

Isaag, 

laasic. 

Izk, 

Isaak, 

Issac, 

Izic, 

Aisec, 

I Sic, 

lisace. 

Isace, 

Isiace, 

Isaar, 

Issach, 

Isic, 

Isoac, 

Icac, 

laasac. 

Isaack, 

Isak, 

Isice, 

Isach, 

Isaach, 

. Isac, 

Isaack, 

Isaic. 

Extemporizing  in  the  Pulpit. 
amusing  incidents  where  great  preachers  failed. 

They  make  a great  mistake  who  suppose  that  extempore 
preaching  has  been  the  law  with  all  great  preachers ; in 
fact,  we  may  almost  go  so  far  as  to  say  the  reverse  has  been 
the  case.  Extemporizing  will  often  be  exposed  to  difficul- 
ties which  only  a very  honest  mind  can  overcome  and  make 
the  best  of.  "When  Father  Taylor,  the  American  preacher, 
once  lost  himself  and  became  bewildered  in  the  course  of 
his  sermon,  he  extricated  himself  by  the  exclamation : “I 
have  lost  the  track  of  the  nominative  case,  my  brethren, 
but  one  thing  I know,  I am  bound  for  the  kingdom  I”  and 


SIARTLING  STORIES. 


27 


the  frankness  of  such  a confession  would  be  sure  to  save 
him  from  suffering  in  the  esteem  of  his  audience.  But  the 
more  stately  and  dignified  masters,  it  is  very  obvious,  can 
not  deliver  themselves  in  that  way. 

The  most  singular  instance  of  this  kind  in  our  memory 
is  the  case  of  a very  distinguished  man  to  whom  we  loved 
to  listen  in  our  boyhood,  a preacher  with  a wonderful  com- 
mand over  every  faculty  that  could  give  brilliancy  or  beauty 
to  pulpit  exercises.  lie  always  preached  without  notes, 
and  always  broke  his  discourses  into  divisions ; but  once, 
to  our  amazement  and  that  of  the  congregation,  having 
traveled  through,  so  far  as  we  remember,  two  departments 
of  the  discourse,  he  caught  himself  up  and  said,  “I — I 
forget  the  third  division!”  He  turned  around  to  the  organ- 
ist. “Organist,  strike  up  a verse.”  He  gave  out  a line 
of  a hymn,  and  while  the  organ  was  playing  and  the  peo- 
ple singing,  he  leaned  in  deep  thought  over  the  pulpit ; the 
singing  over,  he  announced  the  missing  link.  “But,”  said 
he,  “is  not  that  singular?”  and  he  proceeded  to  show  how 
it  was  that  he  had  lost  it,  and  how  he  found  it — proceeded, 
in  a really  enchanting  way,  to  talk  upon  the  law  of  associa- 
tion of  ideas  and  the  mystery  and  marvels  of  retentiveness 
and  memory  as  proof  of  the  immateriality  and  immortality 
of  the  soul,  until  the  time  was  gone,  and  we  really  had  no 
more  of  the  sermon  after  all. 

A similar  anecdote  has  often  been  told  of  the  late  Thomas 
Binney.  Dr.  Harris,  the  author  of  “Mammon,”  had 
begged  his  services  for  some  anniversary,  and  Binney  de- 
clared his  utter  inability  to  prepare  a sermon — in  those 
days  he  was  a strictly  extempore  speaker.  It  was  urged, 
“ Oh,  come  and  preach  such  and  such  a sermon ; that  is 
ready  to  your  mind!”  And  so  Mr.  Binney  promised  that 
he  would  take  the  service;  but  he  also,  having  got  through 
two  heads  of  the  discourse,  became  bewildered.  “Thirdly 


28 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


— thirdly — P ve  forgotten  what  was  thirdly !”  he  said  ; and 
he  looked  over  the  pulpit  to  where  Dr.  Harris  was  sitting. 
“Brother  Harris,  what  was  thirdly  ?”  Harris  looked  up 
and  said:  “So  and  so.”  “Exactly,”  said  the  discomfited 
preacher,  who  pursued  his  way  with  ease  and  happiness  to 
the  close. 


A Couple  of  Eggs  which  Sold  for  a Thousand  Dollars. 

If  the  sale  of  curiosities,  says  the  London  Telegraphy 
which  took  place  in  London  recently  be  any  criterion,  the 
great  auk  has  been  very  badly  advised  in  ceasing  its  peri- 
odical visits  to  the  North  of  Scotland.  Asa  foreign  trav- 
eler that  gentle  bird  was  at  one  time  somewhat  of  a cel- 
ebrity. When  tired  of  diving  for  lump-fish  in  the  northern 
seas,  or  possibly  precluded  from  doing  so  by  the  phenom- 
enon known  as  ice,  he  would  make  a trip  to  such  southern 
latitudes  as  Greenland,  Norway,  Spitzbcrgen,  and  the  ex- 
treme north  of  Great  Britain,  occasionally  accompanied  by 
his  spouse,  who,  by  way  of  a souvenir,  would  lay  an  egg 
in  some  cleft  above  high  water.  Two  such  memorials  of 
visits  have,  indeed,  just  passed  under  the  auctioneer’s  ham- 
mer, one  selling  for  £100,  while  the  other  actually  fetched 
102  guineas,  the  fortunate  buyer  being  Lord  Lilford.  Why, 
with  these  facts  before  him,  the  great  auk  stays  away,  it 
might,  indeed,  be  hard  to  understand.  A bird  that  can 
lay  such  golden  eggs  as  these,  should  lose  no  time  in  swim- 
ming— for  it  cannot  fly — to  the  best  markets.  One  difii- 
culty  only  presents  itself  in  the  matter,  and  that  certainly 
is  formidable.  The  great  auk  has,  it  is  feared,  suddenly 
become  extinct.  If  that  be  so,  its  eggs  are  certainly  worth 
all  that  they  have  fetched,  as  no  more  will  be  found  in 
Scotland  or  elsewhere. 


STAETLING  STOKIES. 


29 


Strange  Verification  of  a Dream. 

Mrs.  Elizabeth  Main  waring  lives  at  Sandusky,  O.  Her 
husband  who  is  a large  manufacturer  and  dealer  in  tin  and 
japanned  ware,  not  long  since  started  on  a collecting  tour 
among  his  country  customers,  accompanied  by  his  son 
Enoch,  a young  man  of  twenty,  in  delicate  health.  They 
were  in  a spring-wagon,  as  most  of  their  custom  lay  among 
the  small  towns  and  villages  off  the  line  of  the  railroads. 

On  the  third  night  after  their  departure,  Mrs.  Mainwar- 
ing  awoke  her  eldest  daughter,  who  was  sleeping  with  her, 
as  well  as  her  mother,  Mrs.  Dougherty,  who  occupied  an 
adjoining  room,  and  told  them  of  a terrible  dream  she  had 
just  had,  and  which  she  feared  was  a mysterious  reflection 
on  her  mind  of  an  actual  occurrence.  At  the  same  time 
she  directed  their  attention  to  the  fact  that  she  had 
awakened  out  of  her  dream  at  precisely  flve  minutes  past 
eleven,  when  the  clock  over  the  mantel-piece  had  suddenly 
stopped  at  that  point.  She  dreamed  that  she  saw  her  hus- 
band and  son  driving  over  a wild  and  wood-bordered  road 
in  the  night,  and  she  somehow  received  the  impression  that 
it  was  in  the  neighborhood  of  Toledo,  O.  She  could  hear 
them  talking  of  a large  sum  of  money  they  had  with  them, 
as  the  result  of  successful  collections,  and  at  the  same  time 
she  could  see  ahead  four  men  lurking  at  the  roadside  for 
the  purpose  of  waylaying  them  The  dreamer  tried  to 
warn  the  dear  ones  of  their  danger,  but  was  restrained  by 
the  strange  inability  to  move  or  speak — that  is  a charac- 
teristic of  the  nightmare.  She  could  only  look  and  see, 
and  that  with  terrible  distinctness.  And  she  presently  saw 
them  halted  and  attacked  by  the  four  villains.  Many  shots 
were  exchanged,  and  she  saw  her  son  fall  in  the  bed  of  the 
wagon  at  the  flrst  fire;  but  her  husband,  who  was  a very 
powerful  and  fearless  man,  made  such  a stout  resistance 
with  his  revolver  that  one  of  his  assailants  was  killed,  and 


30  STAKTLING  STORIES. 

the  others  fled  into  the  woods,  two  of  them  badly  wounded. 
She  then  saw  her  husband  whip  his  horses  into  a gallop 
until  he  reached  the  open,  moonlit  prairie,  where  he  made 
a halt,  raised  the  body  of  his  son  in  his  arms,  and,  after 
feeling  of  the  heart,  he  exclaimed  in  a voice  of  bitter  dis- 
tress: “My  God!  he  is  dead.  What  will  his  poor  mother 
say?” 

Then  she  awoke.  Mrs.  Mainwaring  was  so  excited  over 
her  dream  that  she  could  not  sleep  any  more  during  the 
night,  though  her  mother  and  daughter  laughed  at  her 
fears,  and  did  their  utmost  to  reassure  her. 

On  the  following  morning  she  received  a telegram  from 
her  husband,  at  Toledo,  conveying  the  sad  intelligence 
that  Enoch  had  been  killed  in  an  attack  that  was  made 
upon  the  pair  by  robber-tramps  on  the  previous  night,  four 
miles  out  of  Toledo.  Mr.  Mainwaring  returned  home  on 
the  evening  of  the  same  day,  with  the  body  of  his  son, 
and  his  subsequent  detailed  account  of  the  fatal  encounter 
verified  his  wife’s  dream  in  every  particular.  More  than 
this,  his  watch  had  received  such  injury  during  the  struggle 
that  the  main-spring  had  broken  and  the  works  came  to  a 
stop  at  precisely  five  minutes  past  eleven,  the  exact  moment 
that  the  clock  had  stopped  over  the  mantel-piece. 


One  Man  Killed  Four  Panthers  in  Two  Hours. 

Mr.  Haugh,  says  an  Oregon  paper,  who  lives  near  Scott’s 
mills,  started  for  Beaver  lake  to  get  some  cedar  timber.  lie 
had  along  a large-bored  rifle,  a little  rat-terrier  and  a rather 
large  dog  of  part  Newfoundland  breed.  After  leaving  the 
main  road  and  getting  to  an  almost  blind  road,  he  saw  a 
panther  cross  the  road  ahead  of  him.  He  stopped  the 
team,  tied  them  to  a small  tree  and  followed  the  dogs,  who 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


31 


had  succeeded  in  treeing  the  panther  in  a very  short  time. 
It  was  on  a large  oak  tree,  about  thirty  feet  from  the 
ground,  and  growling  savagely.  Mr.  Haugh  fell  back  a 
short  distance  in  order  to  get  a rest  shot,  tired,  and  the 
beast  fell  dead  to  the  ground,  having  made  a spring  which 
brought  him  about  fifteen  or  twenty  feet  from  the  tree.  On 
going  back  to  the  wagon  the  children  pointed  out  another 
panther,  back  on  the  road  over  which  they  had  passed. 
On  approaching  it  to  get  a shot  it  darted  into  the  brush, 
followed  by  the  dogs,  who  succeeded  in  treeing  that  one 
without  any  difficulty.  On  following  the  dogs,  Mr.  Haugh 
found  it  on  the  large  limb  of  a fir  tree,  about  twenty-five 
or  thirty  feet  from  the  ground.  Getting  a rest  on  the  side 
of  a tree  some  distance  away,  he  shot  this  one.  At  the 
crack  of  the  gun  the  panther  jumped  from  the  tree  and 
was  followed  by  the  dogs.  On  following  them  it  was  found 
dead,  about  one  hundred  yards  from  where  it  was  shot. 
On  approaching  the  ranch  where  Mr.  S.  Huelet  once  em- 
barked in  the  cattle  business,  he  found  that  the  little  dog 
had  succeeded  in  treeing  a panther  about  two-thirds  grown. 
This  one  was  shot  dead.  Before  Mr.  Haugh  had  time  to 
load  he  heard  the  big  dog  barking  at  something  about  two 
hundred  yards  off  down  the  hillside.  On  going  to  where 
it  was,  he  saw  the  biggest  panther  he  ever  saw — a very 
large  female.  She  was  growling  and  snapping  her  teeth  at 
the  dogs  so  much  that  she  formed  the  most  savage  picture 
he  had  ever  seen.  It  was  difficult  to  get  a good  shot,  but 
on  firing  she  came  down  and  the  limb  on  which  she  was 
with  her.  As  she  ran  off  the  dogs  followed  her,  and  on 
coming  up  with  them  he  saw  her  on  a stump,  about  twenty- 
five  feet  from  the  ground.  Mr.  Haugh  shot  again,  but,  as 
no  vital  spot  was  struck,  it  only  succeeded  in  making  her 
growl  and  lash  her  tail  fiercer  than  ever.  On  looking  for 
a bullet  Mr.  Haugh  found  that  he  had  only  half  a bullet 


32 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


left,  with  which  he  had  to  make  a successful  snot  or  lose 
his  game.  His  patching  was  all  gone  as  well,  so,  tearing 
ofi  part  of  the  lining  of  his  coat,  he  put  it  round  the  bullet 
and  rammed  it  home.  Taking  a careful  aim  he  fired.  This 
time  he  saw  the  huge  beast  tumble  to  the  ground  to  be 
seized  by  the  dogs.  She  seized  the  big  dog  by  the  scalp 
with  one  paw,  and  had  succeeded  in  tearing  the  scalp  near- 
ly off  when  death  put  an  end  to  her  struggle.  The  last 
one,  on  being  measured,  was  over  nine  feet  long  from  tip 
to  tip.  All  the  panthers  were  full-grown,  except  one, 
which  was  only  about  two-thirds  grown.  They  were  all 
killed  within  two  hours. 


Some  Curious  Statistics. 

The  Boston  Transcript  says  : Allowing  two  square  feet 

to  each  person,  the  entire  population  of  Boston  could  stand 
on  the  Public  Garden,  with  a good  deal  of  room  to  spare. 
The  entire  population  of  the  United  States  could  stand  in 
Boston  proper  (not  including  Brighton,  Dorchester  and 
West  Boxbury.)  The  entire  population  of  the  world  (now 
estimated  at  (1,440,000,000)  could  stand  on  the  Island  of 
Martha’s  Vineyard,  or  in  the  space  occupied  by  tlie  towns 
of  Boston,  Brookline,  Newton,  Needham,  Dedham,  Hyde 
Park  and  Milton.  The  State  of  Massachusetts  could  in 
this  way  accommodate  seventy  times  the  present  popula- 
tion of  the  world.  The  entire  population  of  the  world, 
placed  side  by  side,  and  allowing  two  feet  to  each  person, 
would  encircle  the  earth  twenty  times.  The  States  of 
Maine,  New  Hampshire  and  Vermont,  taken  together,  are 
as  large  as  England.  Any  one  of  the  States  of  Georgia, 
Illinois,  Iowa  and  North  Carolina  are  as  large  as  England. 
Kansas  is  as  large  as  England  and  Scotland  together.  Ire- 
land is  about  the  size  of  Maine.  France  is  more  than 


STAETLING  STOEIES. 


33 


twice  as  large  as  England,  Wales  and  Scotland  together. 
Texas  is  thirty-five  times  as  large  as  Massachusetts,  or  as 
large  as  Maine,  New  Hampshire,  Vermont,  Massachusetts, 
Khode  Island,  Connecticut,  New  York,  New  Jersey,  Penn- 
sylvania, Delaware,  Maryland,  Ohio  and  Indiana  combined. 
The  entire  population  of  the  United  States  could  be  pro- 
vided for  in  the  State  of  Texas,  allowing  each  man,  woman 
and  child  four  acres  of  land.  The  entire  population  of  the 
world  could  be  provided  for  in  the  United  States,  allowing 
each  person  one  and  a half  acres  of  land. 


A Dream  Realized. 

About  fifteen  German  miles  from  Posen  there  is  a town 
named  Peichberg,  situated  on  the  River  Warte,  in  which 
there  is  a considerable  Jewish  population,  and  among  these 
a family  of  the  name  of  Isaac  is  one  of  the  most  opulent. 
The  foundation  of  their  wealth  was  owing  to  the  following 
circumstance,  which  is  authenticated,  and  a matter  of  pub- 
lic notoriety  there. 

The  head  of  the  family  was,  many  years  ago,  in  a state 
bordering  on  absolute  poverty,  and  dreamed  several  nights 
consecutively  that  if  he  made  a journey  to  Hamburg,  he 
should  there  learn  something  of  great  consequence.  This 
made  such  an  impression  on  his  imagination  that  he  could 
not  drive  it  out  of  his  mind.  He  realized  some  funds  and 
proceeded  to  Hamburg,  where  he  took  up  his  residence  in 
the  house  of  the  reader  of  the  Synagogue,  who  was  in  the 
habit  of  letting  lodgings.  After  a stay  of  some  weeks,  the 
reader,  seeing  that  his  guest  had  no  occupation,  and  did 
not  seem  to  have  any  definite  object  in  view,  while  liis  ap- 
pearance and  demeanor  indicated  that  liis  means  could  be 
but  scanty,  inquired  what  was  his  object  at  Hamburg,  when 


34 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


Isaac  related  to  him  the  circura stances  of  bis  dream.  The 
reader  naturally  turned  it  into  ridicule,  and  added  that  no 
sensible  man  would  pay  any  attention  to  dreams,  much  less 
undertake  a long  journey  on  such  a wild-goose  chase  from 
such  a motive. 

‘‘If  I paid  attention  to  dreams,”  said  the  reader,  “I 
should  have  long  since  made  a journey  to  Reichberg-am- 
Warte,  for  I have  dreamed  that  in  a house  there,  there  is 
buried  in  the  kitchen  a dough-trough  containing  a large 
sum  of  money.” 

He  then  proceeded  to  describe  minutely  the  situation  and 
appearance  of  the  house  and  kitchen,  and  even  the  furni- 
ture in  the  place.  The  astonishment  of  Isaac  was  great  at 
finding  it  to  entirely  correspond  in  every  respect  with  his 
own  residence.  He  said  nothing,  but  seeming  to  take  the 
rebuke,  he  immediately  returned  home,  and  on  digging  in 
the  spot  indicated  by  the  reader,  he  found  a trough  con- 
taining a comparatively  large  sum  of  money.  Every  Fri- 
day, to  the  present  day,  the  Sabbath  bread  for  the  family 
is  kneaded  in  that  trough,  which  is  kept  as  a precious  me- 
mento. 


Naming  Children  in  China. 

In  China  the  names  of  children  are  given  according  to 
circumstances  associated  with  the  time  of  their  birth.  If 
a child  is  born  at  midnight  its  name  may  be  Midnight;  if 
the  season  be  rainy,  the  child’s  name  may  be  Rain  ; if  birth 
occurs  on  the  birthday  of  some  relative,  that  relative’s  age 
may  be  the  name  of  the  new-born,  and  so  there  are  names 
of  Thirty,  Five,  Fifty,  One  and  other  numbers.  But  there 
are  even  more  curious  names.  If  the  parents  desired  a 
boy  and  a girl  is  born,  her  name  may  be  Ought-to-be-a-boy. 


SIARTLING  STORIES.  35 

Never  Whistle  in  a Coal  Shaft. 

A CURIOUS  MINING  SUPERSTITION. 

A gentleman  in  Carbondale,  Pa.,  says;  “Miners,  es- 
pecially those  who  have  come  from  foreign  countries,  and 
represent  a past  generation  of  their  class,  are  given  to 
many  superstitious  fears.  The  younger  miners — those  born 
in  this  country,  and  who  have  grown  up  under  the  influence 
of  its  enlightening  institutions — do  not,  as  a general  thing, 
share  in  this  superstitious  belief,  although  some  of  them 
place  as  much  importance  on  ‘ signs  ’ and  ‘ omens  ’ of  good 
and  evil,  as  do  their  more  ignorant  ancestors.  Among 
the  superstitions  cherished  by  miners,  is  that  of  whistling 
in  a mine.  To  whistle  in  a mine  is  considered  an  evil  omen. 
Miners  never  whistle  while  at  work.  Sometimes  they  sing 
while  toiling  in  the  dark,  damp,  narrow  chamber  of  the 
mines,  hundreds  of  feet  below  the  surface,  but  never  loudly, 
and  only  plaintive  folk  songs  and  ballads  that  have  been 
crooned  over  the  cradles  of  generations  of  their  class.  It 
is  a singular  fact  that,  despite  the  peril  that  constantly  be- 
sets him  in  the  mine,  the  coal-miner  is  always  cheerful 
amid  it  all.  Let  one  who  may  visit  a mine  but  whistle 
among  the  workmen,  and  the  cheerfulness  he  has  noticed 
as  characterizing  them  will  be  gone  at  once.  Most  all  old 
miners  believe  that  a ‘good  luck  spirit  ’ lurks  in  every  mine, 
and  that  at  a sound  of  whistling  it  flies  and  leaves  the 
miners  at  the  mercy  of  the  spirit  of  evil.  If  ill  befalls  any 
of  the  workmen  that  day  the  believers  in  the  superstition 
ascribe  its  cause  entirely  to  the  frightening  away  of  the 
good  luck  spirit  by  the  fatal  whistle. 

“In  1840  there  was  a great  mine  disaster  at  this  place. 
Several  miners  were  buried  in  one  of  the  Delaware  and 
Hudson  Canal  Company’s  mines  by  a sudden  caving-in  of 
the  roof.  Although  the  cause  of  the  caving  was  known  to 
have  been  a lack  of  proper  support  by  pillars  and  timbers. 


36 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


at  least  one  old  miner,  a survivor  of  the  disaster,  still  living 
here,  has  always  maintained,  and  still  maintains  that  it  was 
caused  by  a ‘dare-devil  miner,’  named  Jack  Eichards, 
whistling  in  the  mine  while  working  with  his  gang,  against 
the  protests  of  his  comrades.  Richards  was  a skeptical 
young  Welshman,  who  ridiculed  all  the  superstitions  of 
his  fellow- workmen.  With  the  old  miner'  mentioned  above 
and  fifteen  others,  he  was  working  in  the  mine,  a mile 
from  the^  entrance,  on  the  day  of  the  catastrophe.  The 
mine  was  well-known  to  be  scantily  propped,  and  the 
miners  were  ‘ robbing  ’ it  preparatory  to  its  abandonment. 
He  is  described  as  having  been  a merrj^  fellow,  fond  of 
teasing  his  companions.  On  this  occasion  he  suddenly  laid 
down  his  pick  and  announced  to  his  fellow-workmen  that  he 
intended  to  ‘whistle  them  up  the  “Rigs  o’  Barley.”’ 
The  miners  were  aghast  at  the  thought  of  Ricliards  thus 
flying  in  the  face  of  mine  luck,  and  they  begged  of  him  not 
to  chase  the  good-luck  spirit  away.  He  laughed  at  their 
fears,  and  with  clear  loud  notes  made  the  chamber  ring 
with  the  lively  Scotch  air.  Hot  content  with  that,  says  the 
old  miner,  shuddering  at  this  day  over  tlie  sacrilegious 
tenierity  of  the  merry  Welshman,  he  rattled  off  a jig  known 
by  the  miners  as  ‘The  Devil  Among  the  Tailors,”  and 
ended  by  telling  the  good-luck  spirit  to  ‘ take  a dance  to 
that,  and  be  blowed  to  it’  None  of  the  miners  could 
speak  for  some  time.  Some  of  them  tried  to  work  again, 
but  the  fear  of  disaster  was  so  strong  upon  them  that  they 
all  made  preparations  to  quit  the  mine.  The  old  miner 
who  recalls  this  incident,  says  he  had  a brother  and  a son 
working  in  another  part  of  the  mine,  and  he  made  up  his 
mind  to  go  to  them,  tell  them  of  Jack  Richards’  foolhardi- 
ness, warn  them  of  its  consequences  and  escape  from  the 
mine.  Jack  Richards  could  not  convince  any  of  them  of 
the  childishness  of  their  intended  course. 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


37 


“ Suddenly,  while  they  were  gathering  up  their  tools,  a 
noise  like  the  sound  of  distant  thunder  came  to  the  ears  of 
the  agitated  miners.  They  knew  too  well  what  the  sound 
presaged.  The  roof  was  ‘working,’  and  a cave-in  threat- 
ened. The  miners  turned  to  Jack  and  charged  him  with 
bringing  disaster  upon  them  by  his  defiance  of  the  good- 
luck  spirit  of  the  mine.  • Jack  replied  that  if  the  roof  was 
falling  it  was  because  • of  insufficient  support,  and  not 
because  of  his  whistling,  and  knowing  the  danger  that 
encompassed  them  all,  he  counseled  his  comrades  to  lose 
no  time  in  ‘ getting  atop.’  But  before  they  could  take  the 
first  step  toward  reaching  the  surface,  a second  shock  ran 
through  the  mine.  This  time  it  was  like  a clap  of  thunder 
near  the  earth.  It  was  followed  by  a crash  that  could  be 
made  only  by  the  falling  masses  of  rock  and  coal  from  the 
roof,  and  by  a gust  .of  wind  that  hurled  the  miners  against 
the  jagged  walls  of  their  chamber.  Then  the  mine  fell  in 
all  about  them,  and  the  seventeen  miners  and  the  car  horse 
were  imprisoned  behind  a wall  of  fallen  coal,  in  a space  not 
more  than  forty  feet  square.  Their  lights  were  extinguished, 
and  there  was  not  a match  in  the  party. 

“With  death  waiting  them  in  one  of  its  worst  forms,  they 
cursed  Jack  Richards,  and  one  of  the  miners  tried  to  find 
him  in  the  dark  to  brain  him  with  a pick.  To  ascertain 
whether  any  of  the  gang  had  been  killed  by  the  falling 
coal,  the  name  of  each  one  was  called  by  one  of  the  miners. 
All  responded  but  Jack  Richards.  He  was  found  dead, 
half-buried  beneath  the  wall  of  rock  and  coal. 

“The  men  worked  for  hours,  many  of  them  working  the 
flesh  from  their  fingers  in  the  sliarj)  coal.  Some  of  them 
lost  all  heart,  and  threw  themselves  upon  the  damp  floor 
of  their  underground  prison,  and  bewailed  their  fate.  Sud- 
denly a ray  of  light  broke  through  a small  opening  in 
the  wall.  Then  a lantern  was  ])ushed  through,  followed 


38 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


by  a man’s  bead.  The  man  cried  out:  ‘Is  there  a man 
here  that  is  alivel’  A glad  shout  from  the  miners  was  the 
reply.  The  man  pulled  himself  through  the  opening  into 
the  chamber.  It  was  Alexander  Boyden,  the  superintend 
ent.  He  took  the  dead  body  of  Jack  Richards  on  his  back 
and  led  the  way,  and  two  hours  afterward  the  miners  were 
in  the  arms  of  wives,  parents  and  sweethearts  on  top. 
Richards  had  no  relatives  but  a crippled  sister,  who  was 
dying  with  consumption.  She  died  the  next  day.  The 
brother  and  son  of  the  narrator  of  this  tragic  incident  and 
twelve  other  miners  were  never  found.  Three  days  after 
the  fall,  Mine  Boss  Hosie,  who  had  been  in  a distant  part 
of  the  mine  when  the  roof  caved  in,  emerged  from  its 
depths,  worn  to  a skeleton.  With  his  pick  he  had  dug  his 
way  for  more  than  a mile  through  an  almost  solid  wall, 
without  a taste  of  food  or  a drop  of  water  to  sustain  him. 
This  mine  tragedy  forms  one  of  the  favorite  narratives  of 
the  old  miners  of  this  region,  and  after  relating  it  ’to  in- 
quiring visitors  they  never  fail  to  warn  them  not  to  whis- 
tle if  they  intend  going  down  in  a mine.” 


Lofty  Towers. 

The  crown  of  William  Penn’s  hat  which  is  to  adorn  his 
thirty-six-foot  statue  surmounting  the  lofty  tower  of  the  new 
Philadelphia  public  buildings  will  bo  just  535  feet  from  the 
pavement.  This  is  higher  than  any  other  tower  yet  con- 
structed. Trinity  steeple  in  New  York  city,  which  seems 
so  imposing  with  its  height  of  284  feet,  shrinks  into  insig- 
nificance in  comparison  with  the  lofty  spire  which  is  in- 
tended to  be  the  crowning  glory  of  Penn  square.  The 
highest  towers  which  have  yet  been  constructed  are  those 
of  the  Cologne  Cathedral,  which  have  at  present  a height 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


39 


of  524:  feet  11  inches,  or  10  feet  1 inch  below  Mr.  Penn’s 
proposed  hat.  As,  however,  the  Cologne  towers  are  still 
unfinished,  and  aim  at  an  ultimate  altitude  of  576  feet  9 
inches,  the  Penn  Square  towers  may  never  enjoy  the  dis- 
tinction of  being  the  highest  in  the  world. 

The  following  are  the  heights  of  some  of  the  chief  lofty 
buildings : Tower  of  St.  Nicholas  at  Hamburg,  473  feet  1 

inch;  cupola  of  St.  Peter’s,  Kome,  469  feet  2 inches; 
cathedral  spire  at  Strasburg,  465  feet  11  inches ; pyramid 
of  Cheops,  449  feet  5 inches;  tower  of  St.  Stephen’s,  Vi- 
enna, 443  feet  10  inches;  tower  of  St.  Martin’s,  Landshut, 
434  feet  8 inches;  'cathedral  spire  at  Frieburg,  410  feet  1 
inch;  Cathedral  of  Antwerp,  404  feet  10  inches;  Cathe- 
dral of  Florence,  390  feet  5 inches;  St.  Paul’s,  London, 
365  feet  1 inch ; ridge  tiles  of  Cologne  Cathedral,  360  feet 
3 inches;  cathedral  tower  at  Magdeburg,  339  feet  11  inches; 
tower  of  the  new  Yotive  Church  at  Vienna,  314  feet  11 
inches ; tower  of  the  Eathhaus  at  Berlin,  288  feet  8 inches ; 
and  the  towers  of  Notre  Dame  at  Paris,  232  feet  11  inches. 


A Walk  Half-Way  to  the  Moon. 

In  these  days  of  great  pedestrian  feats  it  is  worth  while 
to  record  the  doings  of  an  old  Yorkshireman  who  has  just 
died  at  the  ripe  age  of  84  years,  at  Masham,  in  Yorkshire. 
James  Heap  was  a schoolmaster,  and  carried  on  his  calling 
in  a wild  and  bleak  part  of  the  country,  walking  every  day 
a distance  of  eight  miles.  He  lived  at  a cotton-mill  just 
below  the  village  of  Healey,  which  is  in  the  western  part 
of  that  portion  of  Yorkshire  called  Mashamshire.  His 
school-house  was  four  miles  distant,  at  Coltersdale,  which 
is  still  further  west,  and  among  the  bleak  moors  and  wild 
hills  leading  away  to  Westmoreland. 

A storm  of  wind  and  rain  is  no  trifling  matter  in  these 


40 


STAKTLINO  STORIES. 


parts,  and  during  a snow-storm  the  snow  very  often  drifts 
so  thickly  as  to  make  the  roads  almost  impassable ; but  no 
condition  of  the  weather  or  the  atmosphere  could  shake 
James  Heap’s  steadfast  purpose,  and  he  never  had  any  ail- 
ment or  accident  which  kept  him  from  going  his  daily 
round  to  the  school  and  home  again.  Many  a time  had  he 
to  wade  through  snow-drifts  to  find  that  his  pupils  were 
not  able  to  reach  the  school,  and  he  was  constantly  sub- 
jected to  a drenching  rain  in  the  winter  months.  Yet  from 
December,  1822,  to  January  1867,  he  never  missed  a sin- 
gle day,  and  during  2,292  consecutive  weeks  he  walked 
more  than  110,000  miles,  or  nearly  five  times  around  the 
world. 

Nor  was  he  altogether  idle  on  Sundays,  for  during  forty- 
two  years  of  this  period  he  shared  with  others  the  teaching 
of  a Sunday-school  at  a place  called  Summerside,  about  the 
same  distance  from  his  home,  and  in  an  equally  dreary  and 
wild  district  on  the  moors  with  Coltersdale;  seventeen 
Sundays  in  each  year,  during  these  forty-two  years,  did  he 
walk  eight  miles  to  teach,  which  adds  an  aggregate  of 
5,712  miles  to  the  former  sum,  so  that,  taking  Sundays  and 
week  days  into  the  reckoning,  he  would,  if  he  had  contin- 
ued his  work  for  rather  more  than  another  year,  have  cov- 
ared  a distance  equal  to  half  the  space  between  the  earth 
and  the  moon. 


Col.  Synge’s  Dream. 

A friend  told  me  the  other  day  that  he  inet  Col.  Synge 
at  a club  here,  and  that  the  latter  remarked,  in  a joking 
way,  that  he  was  “sure  the  brigands  would  ‘nab’  him  some 
day.”  Some  time  later  the  Colonel  called  on  a lawyer 
here  and  expressed  his  intention  of  making  his  last  will  and 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


41 


testament,  adding  that  perhaps  the  lawyer  would  think  it  a 
trifle  foolish  in  him,  a man  still  in  his  prime  and  in  the 
flush  of  health,  to  be  concerned  about  such  a matter. 
Naturally  the  gentleman  of  the  bar  professionally  thought, 
on  the  contrary,  no  such  thing ; on  the  contrary,  it  was  al- 
ways well  to  be  prepared,  etc.,  etc.  “Well,”  said  the 
Colonel,  “I  will  tell  my  reason,  and  I don’t  know  that  it 
will  strike  you  as  a good  one.  Last  night  I had  a most 
vivid  and  distinct  dream,  in  which  my  farm  was  attacked 
and  I carried  off  by  a mob.  The  impression  on  me  was  so 
strong  that  I have  come  here  to  get  my  affairs  in  order.” 
The  will  was  made,  signed  and  completed,  and  Col.  Synge 
left  for  Salonica.  Only  a few  months  later  the  attack  took 
place  with  which  the  whole  world  has  been  ringing. 

This  is  rather  a strong  point  in  favor  of  the  dream  en- 
thusiasts. 


Strange  Story  of  the  Plague  in  Memphis. 

A reliable  gentleman  says  that  in  1877,  when  the  first 
yellow  fever  appeared  in  the  city  of  Memphis,  he  was 
there  on  business.  He  had  been  there  for  several  weeks, 
and  then  first  experienced  a drowsy  sensation.  This  was 
followed  in  a week  or  ten  days  by  the  fever  in  all  its  fury, 
which  rendered  him  unconscious.  He  lay  for  some  time  in 
this  condition,  his  life  being  in  a precarious  state.  After  a 
time  he  seemed  to  be  overcome  by  the  disease,  and  gradually 
grew  weaker,  until  at  last  all  pulsation  had  stopped,  and 
breathing  was  no  longer  apparent.  At  that  time  it  was  the 
Custom  to  hurry  the  corpse  to  the  graveyard  without  cere- 
mony. He  was  placed  in  a rude  box  and  hurried  away  to 
the  cemetery,  followed  by  a single  friend.  On  the  way  to 
the  grave,  however,  this  friend  felt  a conviction  that  he 
was  not  dead,  and  ordered  the  little  procession  to  stop. 
The  box  was  taken  back  to  the  place  of  starting,  and  his 


42 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


body  again  placed  on  a cot.  After  a few  hours  of  patient 
watching,  a slight  movement  of  the  face  and  upper  portions 
of  the  body  was  observed.  An  examination  was  made  of 
the  pulse,  which  was  found  to  be  faintly  beating,  while 
respiration  was  apparent.  In  a few  hours  more  the  gentle- 
man was  aroused,  and  in  less  than  thirty-six  hours  he  was 
sitting  up.  He  recovered  rapidly,  and  in  the  course  of  a 
few  hours  he  was  able  to  get  up  and  move  around.  Mean- 
while the  Associated  Press  dispatches  had  contained  an 
account  of  his  death  from  the  fever,  and  his  family  in  New 
York  city,  and  one  son,  working  on  the  Bee  Line  road,  had 
mourned  for  him  as  one  gone  from  the  face  of  the  earth. 

After  his  recovery  he  went  to  Texas,  and  from  there  he 
crossed  over  into  New  Mexico.  He  was  gone  on  his  trip 
about  two  months,  during  which  time  he  wrote  to  his  rela- 
tives, announcing  his  restoration  to  health.  He  soon  after 
came  north,  as  the  quarantine  against  Southern  traffic  and 
travel  was  raised,  and  eventually  landed  in  Indianapolis, 
where  he  met  his  son,  who  was  as  much  rejoiced  at  the 
meeting  as  if  his  father  had  been  raised  from  the  dead.  It 
was  learned  that  his  letters  had  miscarried,  and  he  wrote 
at  once  to  New  York,  again  announcing  his  recovery. 


The  Bottom  of  the  Sea. 

“The  form  of  the  depressed  area  which  lodges  the  water 
of  the  deep  ocean,”  says  Dr.  Carpenter,  the  English  phys- 
icist, “ is  rather  to  be  likened  to  that  of  a flat  waiter  or  tea 
tray,  surrounded  by  an  elevated  and  steeply-sloping  rim, 
than  to  that  of  the  ‘basin’  with  which  it  is  commonly 
compared;”  and  he  adds:  “The  great  continental  plat- 

forms usually  rise  very  abruptly  from  the  margins  of  the 
real  oceanic  depressa-I  areas. 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


43 


“ The  average  depth  of  the  ocean  floors  is  now  ascertained 
to  be  about  13,000  feet.  As  the  average  height  of  the  en- 
tire land  mass  of  the  globe  above  sea  level  is  about  1,000 
feet,  and  the  sea  area  about  two  and  three-fourths  times 
that  of  the  land,  it  follows  that  the  total  volume  of  ocean 
water  is  thirty-six  times  that  of  the  land  above  the  sea  level. 
These  deductions,  seemingly  unimportant  except  to  the 
votary  of  science,  are  destined,  perhaps,  to  serve  the  high- 
est practical  purposes  of  deep-sea  telegraphy.  The  intel- 
ligence now  carried  out  of  the  enormous  collection  of  later 
ocean  researches  shows  the  modern  engineer  and  capitalist 
the  feasibility  of  depositing  a telegraphic  cable  over  almost 
any  part  of  the  ocean’s  floor. 

“ Not  less  interesting  is  a deduction  Dr.  Carpenter  makes 
from  the  deep  sea  temperature  observations  in  the  North 
Atlantic.  In  consequence  of  the  evaporation  produced  by 
the  long  exposure  of  the  equatorial  Atlantic  currents,  its 
waters  contain  such  an  excess  of  salt  as,  in  spite  of  its  high 
temperature,  to  be  specifically  heavier  than  the  colder 
underflows  which  reach  the  equator  from  the  opposite 
Arctic  and  Antarctic  basins ; and,  consequently,  it  substi- 
tutes itself  by  gravitation  for  the  colder  water  to  a depth  of 
several  hundred  fathoms.  Thus  it  conveys  the  solar  heat 
downward  in  such  a manner  as  to  make  the  North  Atlantic 
between  the  parallels  of  20°  and  40°  a great  reservoir  of 
warmth.  The  climatic  efiect  of  this  vertical  transfer  of 
equatorial  heat  is  obvious.  If  the  great  heat-bearing  cur- 
rents which  enter  the  North  Atlantic  traversed  its  bosom 
as  surface  currents,  they  would  expend  their  warmth  largely 
in  the  high  latitudes.  But,  as  their  heavy  and  highly-heated 
volumes  in  large  measure  descend  to  the  deeper  strata  south 
of  the  fortieth  parallel,  their  stores  of  tropical  temperature 
are  permanently  arrested  off  our  eastern  coast,  and  ulti- 
mately made  subservient  to  our  climate.” 


44 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


Mark  Twain’s  Visit  to  Niagara. 

HIS  STARTLING  DISCLOSURES HE  IS  PITCHED  OVER  THE  CAT- 

ARACT BY  THE  INDIANS. 

Niagara  Falls  is  one  of  the  finest  structures  in  the  known 
world.  I have  been  visiting  this  fiivorite  watering-place 
recently,  for  the  first  time,  and  was  well  pleased.  A gentle- 
man who  was  with  me  said  it  was  customary  to  be  disap- 
pointed in  the  Falls,  but  that  subsequent  visits  were  sure  to 
set  that  all  right.  He  said  that  the  first  time  he  went,  the 
hack  fares  were  so  much  higher  than  the  falls,  that  the  falls 
appeared  insignificant.  But  that  is  all  regulated  now.  The 
hackmen  have  been  tamed,  numbered,  placarded  and  black- 
guarded, and  brought  into  subjection  to  the  law,  and  dosed 
with  moral  principle  till  they  are  as  meek  as  missionaries. 
There  are  no  more  outrages  and  extortions.  That  sort  of 
thing  cured  itself.  It  made  the  falls  unpopular  by  getting 
into  the  newspapers  ; and,  whenever  a public  evil  achieves 
that  sort  of  success  for  itself,  its  days  are  numbered.  It 
became  apparent  that  either  the  falls  had  to  be  discontinued, 
or  the  hackmen  had  to  subside.  They  could  not  dam  the 
falls,  and  so  they  did  the  hackmen.  One  can  be  comfort- 
able and  happy  there  now. 

I drank  up  most  of  the  American  Fall*  before  I learned 
that  the  waters  were  not  considered  medical.,  Why  are 
people  left  in  ignorance  that  way  ? I might  have  gone  on 
and  ruined  a fine  property,  merely  for  the  want  of  a little 
trifiing  information.  And  yet  the  sources  of  information  at 
Niagara  Falls  are  not  meagre.  You  are  sometimes  in  doubt 
there  about  what  you  ought  to  do,  but  you  are  seldom  in 
doubt  about  what  you  must  not  do.  No,  the  signs  keep 
you  posted.  If  an  infant  can  read,  that  infant  is  measur- 
ably safe  at  Niagara  Falls.  In  your  room  at  the  hotel  you 
will  find  your  course  marked  out  for  you  in  the  most  con- 


STAKTLmG  STORIES. 


45 


venient  way,  by  means  of  placards  on  the  wall  like  these: 
“Pull  the  bell-rope  gently,  but  don’t  jerk.” 

“ Bolt  your  door.” 

“Don’t  scrape  matches  on  the  wall.” 

“Turn  off  your  gas  when  you  retire.” 

“ Tie  up  your  dog.” 

“ If  you  place  your  boots  outside  the  door  they  Will  be 
blackened,  but  the  house  will  not  be  responsible  for  their 
return.”  (This  is  a confusing  and  tanglesome  proposition, 
because  it  moves  you  to  deliberate  long  and  painfully  as  to 
whether  it  will  really  be  any  object  to  you  to  have  your 
boots  blackened  unless  they  are  returned.) 

“ Give  your  key  to  the  omnibus  driver,  if  you  forget  and 
carry  it  off  with  you.” 

Outside  the  hotel  wherever  you  wander  you  are  intelli-' 
gently  assisted  by  the  signs.  You  cannot  come  to  grief  as 
long  as  you  are  in  your  right  mind.  But  the  difficulty  is  to 
stay  in  your  right  mind  with  so  much  instruction  to  keep 
track  of.  For  instance  : 

“ Keep  off  the  grass.” 

“ Don’t  climb  the  trees.” 

“ Hands  off  the  vegetables.” 

“ Do  not  hitch  your  horse  to  the  shrubbery.” 

“ Yisit  the  Cave  of  the  Winds.” 

“Have  your  portrait  taken  in  your  carriage.” 

“ Forty  per  cent,  in  gold  levied  on  all  peanuts  or  other 
Indian  curiosities  purchased  in  Canada.” 

“Photographs  of  the  falls  taken  here.” 

“ Yisitors  will  please  notify  the  superintendent  of  any 
neglect  on  the  part  of  employes  to  charge  for  commodities 
or  services.” 

“ Don’t  throw  stones  down ; they  may  hit  people  below.” 
“The  proprietors  will  not  be  responsible  for  parties  who 
jump  over  the  falls.  ” 


46 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


To  tell  the  plain  truth,  the  multitude  of  signs  annoyed 
me.  It  was  because  I noticed  at  last  that  they  always  hap- 
pened to  prohibit  exactly  the  very  thing  I was  just  wanting 
to  do.  I desired  to  roll  on  the  grass ; tlie  sign  prohibited 
it.  I wished  to  climb  a tree ; the  sign  prohibited  it.  I 
longed  to  smoke;  the  sign  prohibited  it.  And  I was  just 
in  the  act  of  throwing  a stone  over  to  astonish  and  pulver- 
ize such  parties  as  might  be  picnicking  below,  when  a sign 
I have  just  mentioned  forbade  that.  Even  that  satisfaction 
was  denied  me  (and  I a friendless  orphan).  There  was  no 
resource  now  but  to  seek  consolation  in  the  flowing  bowl. 
I drew  my  flask  from  my  pocket,  but  it  was  all  in  vain.  A 
sign  confronted  me,  which  said : 

“No  drinking  allowed  on  these  premises.” 

On  that  spot  I might  have  perished  of  thirst  but  for  the 
saving  words  of  an  honored  maxim  that  flitted  through  my 
memory  at  that  critical  moment,  “All  signs  fail  in  dry 
time.”  Common  law  takes  precedence  of  the  statutes.  I 
was  saved. 

The  noble  Ked  Man  has  always  been  a darling  of  mine. 
I love  to  read  about  him  in  tales,  legends  and  romances ; I 
love  to  read  of  his  inspired  sagacity ; and  his  love  of  the 
wild,  free  life  of  mountain  and  forest ; and  his  grand  truth- 
fulness ; his  hatred  of  treachery,  and  his  general  nobility 
of  character;  and  his  stately  metaphorical  manner  of 
speech  ; and  his  chivalrous  love  for  his  dusky  maiden  ; and 
the  picturesque  pomp  of  his  dress  and  accoutrement — es- 
pecially the  picturesque  pomp  of  his  dress  and  accoutre- 
ment. When  I found  the  shops  at  Niagara  Falls  full  of 
dainty  Indian  bead-work  and  stunning  moccasins,  and 
equally  stunning  toy  figures  representing  human  beings 
who  carried  their  weapons  in  holes  bored  through  their 
arms  and  bodies,  and  had  feet  shaped  like  a pie,  I was  Allied 
with  emotion.  I knew  that  now,  at  last,  I was  going  to 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


47 


come  face  to  face  with  the  noble  red  man.  A la  y clerk 
in  the  shop  told  me,  indeed,  that  all  her  grand  array  was 
made  by  the  Indians,  and  that  they  were  plenty  about  the 
Falls,  and  that  they  were  friendly,  and  it  would  not  be 
dangerous  to  speak  to  them.  And  sure  enough,  as  I ap- 
proached the  bridge  leading  over  to  Luna  Island  I came 
upon  a noble  old  son  of  the  forest  sitting  under  a tree,  dili- 
gently at  work  upon  a bead  reticule.  He  wore  a slouch 
hat  and  brogans  and  had  a short  black  pipe  in  his  mouth. 
Thus  does  the  baleful  contact  with  our  effeminate  civiliza- 
tion dilute  the  picturesque  pomp  which  is  so  natural  to  the 
Indian  when  far  removed  from  us  in  his  native  haunts, 
addressed  the  relic  as  follows : 

‘‘Is  the  Wawho-Wang-Wang  of  the  Whack-a- Whack 
happy  ? Does  the  great  Speckled  Thunder  sigh  for  the 
war-path,  or  is  his  heart  contented  with  dreaming  of  his 
dusky  maiden,  the  Pride  of  the  Forest?  Does  the  mighty 
sachem  yearn  to  drink  the  blood  of  his  enemies,  or  is  he 
satisfied  to  make  bead  reticules  for  the  papooses  of  the  pale- 
face ? Speak,  sublime  relic  of  bygone  grandeur — venerable 
ruin,  speak!” 

The  relic  said : 

“An’  is  it  meself,  Dinnis  Hooligan,  that  ye’d  be  takin’ 
for  a bloody  Injin,  ye  drawlin’,  lantern-jawed,  spider-legged 
ruffin  ? By  the  piper  that  played  before  Moses,  I’ll  eat  ye ! ” 
I went  away. 

I made  one  more  attempt  to  fraternize  with  them,  and 
only  one.  I came  upon  a camp  of  them  gathered  in  the 
shade  of  a great  tree,  making  wampum  and  moccasins,  and 
addressed  them  in  the  language  of  friendship  : 

“Noble  Red  Men,  Braves,  Grand  Sachems,  War  Chiefs, 
Squaws,  and  High-you-Muck-a-Mucks,  the  Paleface  from 
the  setting  sun  greets  you  I You,  Beneficent  Polecat — you, 
Devourer  of  Mountains — you.  Roaring  Thundergust — you, 


48 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


Bully  Boy  with  a Glass  Eye — the  Paleface  from  beyond 
the  great  waters  greets  you  all ! War  and  pestilence  have 
thinned  your  ranks  and  destroyed  your  once-proud  nation. 
Poker,  and  seven-up,  and  a vain  modern  expense  for  soap, 
unknown  to  your  glorious  ancestors,  have  depleted  your 
purses.  Appropriating,  in  your  simplicity,  the  property 
of  others,  has  gotten  you  into  trouble.  Misrepresenting 
facts,  in  your  sinless  innocence,  has  damaged  your  reputa- 
tion with  the  soulless.  Trading  for  forty-rod  whisky,  to 
enable  you  to  get  drunk  and  happy  and  tomahawk  your 
families,  has  played  the  everlasting  mischief  with  the  pic- 
turesque pomp  of  your  dress,  and  here  you  are,  in  the 
broad  light  of  the  nineteenth  century,  gotten  up  like  the 
rag-tag-and-bobtail  of  the  purlieus  of  New  York!  For 
shame  ! Remember  your  ancestors ! Recall  their  mighty 
deeds ! Remember  Uncas ! — and  Red  Jacket! — and  Ilole- 
in-the-Day  ! — and  Horace  Greeley!  Emulate  their  achieve- 
ments! Unfurl  yourselves  under  my  banner,  noble  sav- 
ages, illustrious  gutter-snipes — ” 

“Down  wid  him  !” 

“ Scoop  the  blagard !” 

“ Hang  him !” 

“Dhrownd  him!” 

It  was  the  quickest  operation  that  ever  was.  I simply 
saw  a sudden  flash  in  the  air  of  clubs,  brickbats,  fists,  bead 
baskets  and  moccasins — single  flash  and  they  all  appeared 
to  hit  me  at  once,  and  no  two  of  them  in  the  same  place. 
In  the  next  instant  the  entire  tribe  was  upon  me.  They 
tore  all  the  clothes  ofi*  me,  they  broke  my  arms  and  legs, 
they  gave  me  a thump  that  dented  the  top  of  my  head  till 
it  would  hold  coffee  like  a saucer ; and  to  crown  their  dis- 
graceful proceedings  and  add  insult  to  injury  they  threw 
me  over  the  Horseshoe  Fall,  and  I got  wet. 

About  ninety-nine  or  a hundred  feet  from  the  top,  the  • 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


49 


remains  of  mj  vest  caught  on  a projecting  rock,  and  I was 
almost  drowned  before  I could  get  loose.  I finally  fell,  and 
brought  up  in  a world  of  white  foam  at  the  foot  of  the  fall, 
whose  ceiled  and  bubbly  masses  towered  up  several  inches 
above  my  head.  Of  course  I got  into  the  eddy.  I sailed 
round  and  round  in  it  forty-four  times — chasing  a chip,  and 
gaining  on  it — each  round  trip  a half  a mile — reaching  for 
the  same  bush  on  the  bank  forty-four  times,  and  just  exactly 
missed  it  every  time  by  a hair’s  breadth.  At  last  a man 
walked  down  and  sat  down  close  to  that  bush,  and  put  a 
pipe  in  his  mouth  and  lit  a match,  and  followed  me  with 
one  eye  and  kept  the  other  on  the  match  while  he  shel- 
tered it  in  his  hands  from  the  wind.  Presently  a puff 
of  wind  blew  it  out.  The  next  time  I swept  round  him  he 
said : 

“ Got  a match?” 

“ Yes — in  my  other  vest.  Help  me  out,  please.” 

“Not  for  Joe.” 

When  I came  around  again,  I said : 

“ Excuse  the  seemingly  impertinent  curiosity  of  a drown- 
ing man,  but  will  you  please  explain  this  singular  conduct 
of  yours  ?” 

“ With  pleasure.  I am  the  Coroner.  Don’t  hurry  on 
my  account.  I can  wait  for  you.  But  I wish  I had  a 
match.” 

I said,  “ Take  my  place  and  I’ll  go  and  get  you  one.’ 

He  declined.  This  lack  of  confidence  on  his  part  cre- 
ated a coolness  between  us,  and  from  that  time  forward  I 
avoided  him.  It  was  my  idea,  in  case  anything  happened 
to  me,  to  so  time  the  occurrence  as  to  throw  my  custom 
into  the  hands  of  the  opposition  Coroner  over  on  the  Amer- 
ican side.  At  last  a policeman  came  along  and  arrested 
me  for  disturbing  the  peace  by  yelling  at  people  on  shore 
for  help.  The  Judge  fined  me,  but  I had  the  advantage  of 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


SO 

him.  My  money  was  with  my  pantaloons,  ana  my  panta- 
loons were  with  the  Indians. 

Thus  I escaped.  I am  now  lying  in  a critical  condition. 
At  least,  I am  lying,  anyway — critical  or  not  critical. 

I am  hurt  all  over,  but  cannot  tell  the  full  extent  yet, 
because  the  doctor  is  not  done  taking  the  inventory,  lie 
will  make  out  my  manifest  this  evening.  However,  thus 
far,  he  thinks  only  six  of  my  wounds  are  fatal.  I don’t 
mind  the  others. 

I shall  not  be  able  to  finish  my  remarks  about  Niagara 
Falls  until  I get  better. 


The  Marvelous  Power  of  a Cyclone. 

In  discussing  the  two  cyclones  which  visited  the  Bay  of 
Bengal  in  October,  1876,  Mr.  Elliott,  meteorological  report- 
er to  the  Government  of  Bengal,  incidentally  gives  "some 
idea  of  the  cyclonean  forces  which  are  developed  by  such 
storms.  The  average  “daily  evaporation”  registered  by 
the  Bengal  instruments  in  October  is  “ two  inches.”  The 
amount  of  heat  absorbed  by  the  conversion  of  this  amount 
of  water  daily  over  so  large  an  area  as  the  Bay  of  Bengal 
is  enormous.  “ Roughly  estimated,”  said  Mr.  Elliott,  “it 
is  equal  to  the  continuous  working  power  of  300,000  steam 
engines  of  1,000  horse  power.”  A simple  calculation  will 
show  that  it  sufllces  to  raise  aloft  45,000  cubit  feet  of  water 
in  twenty-four  hours  from  every  square  mile  of  the  bosom 
of  the  bay,  and  transports  it  to  the  clouds  which  overhang 
it.  When  we  extend  the  calculation  from  a single  square 
mile  to  the  area  of  this  whole  Indian  Gulf,  the  mind  is  lost 
in  the  effort  to  conceive  the  force  which,  in  a day’s  time, 
can  lift  50,000,000  tons ! Yes,  it  would  be  easy  to  show 
that  such  figures,  fabulous  as  they  seem,  do  not  adequately 
represent  the  cyclonic  forces  of  a single  storm. 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


51 


Strange  Dreams. 

Some  years  ago,  says  the  Temjple  Ba/r^  it  is  related,  a 
peddler  was  murdered  in  the  north  of  Scotland,  and  the 
crime  remained  for  a long  time  a mystery.  At  length  a 
man  came  forward,  and  declared  that  he  had  had  a dream 
in  which  there  was  shown  to  him  a house,  and  a voice  di- 
rected him  to  a spot  near  the  house,  where  was  buried  the 
pack  of  the  murdered  man  ; and,  on  search  being  made,  the 
pack  was  actually  found  near  the  spot.  At  first  it  was 
thought  that  the  dreamer  was  himself  the  murderer,  but 
the  man  who  had  been  accused,  confessed  the  crime,  and 
said  that  the  dreamer  knew  nothing  about  it.  It  turned  out 
afterward  that  the  murderer  and  the  dreamer  had  been 
drinking  together  for  several  days  a short  time  after  the 
murder.  It  has  been  suggested,  as  a possible  solution, 
that  the  murderer  allowed  statements  to  escape  him  whilst 
under  the  influence  of  drink,  which  had  been  recalled  to 
the  other  in  his  dream,  though  he  had  not  the  slightest  re- 
membrance of  them  in  his  sober  hours. 

A gentleman  dreamt  his  house  was  on  fire;  and  the 
dream  made  so  vivid  an  impression  that  he  immediately 
returned,  saw  it  on  fire,  indeed,  and  was  just  in  time  to 
save  one  of  his  children  from  the  flames. 

A lady  dreamt  that  an  aged  female  relative  had  been 
murdered  by  ia  black  servant,  and  this  dream  was  repeated 
so  often  that  she  repaired  to  the  old  lady’s  house,  and  set 
a gentleman  to  watch  in  the  night.  About  3 o’clock  in  the 
morning  the  black  servant  was  discovered  going  to  his 
mistress’  room,  as  he  said,  with  coals  to  mend  the  fire — a 
sufficiently  absurd  excuse  at  such  an  hour  and  in  the  middle 
of  summer.  The  truth  was  apparent  when  a strong  knife 
was  found  buried  beneath  the  coals. 

The  case  of  the  gentleman  from  Cornwall  who  dreamt 
eight  days  before  the  event  that  he  saw  Mr.  Perceval  mur- 


52 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


dered  in  the  lobby  of  the  House  of  Commons  by  Belling- 
ham, and  distinctly  recognized  from  prints,  after  the  mur- 
der, both  the  assassin  and  his  victim,  whom  he  had  never 
seen  previously,  seems  capable  only  of  a supernatural  ex- 
planation, especially  when  it  is  remembered  that  the  gentle- 
man was  with  difficulty  dissuaded  by  his  friends  from  going 
to  London  to  warn  Mr.  Perceval  (known  to  him  in  his 
dream  as  Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer).  He  urged  that  it 
had  occurred  three  times  in  the  same  night,  but  his  friends 
thinking  it  a fool’s  errand,  he  allowed  the  matter  to  drop 
till  the  news  of  the  murder  rudely  resuscitated  it. 

A gentleman  from  Yorkshire  formed  one  of  a party  for 
visiting  the  Exhibition  of  1862.  A few  days  before  leaving 
for  London,  he  had  a most  vivid  dream  of  the  Tower,  the 
armory,  and  more  especially  the  room  in  which  the  regalia 
and  crown  jewels  are  kept.  He  heard  the  old  woman  who 
showed  the  room  address  the  audience,  and  treasured  up 
carefully  her  very  peculiarities  of  voice,  dress,  manner, 
and  features,  and  created  considerable  amusement  among 
liis  friends  by  mimicking  the  phantom  show-woman  when 
he  awoke.  He  went  to  London  at  the  proper  time,  and, 
of  course,  visited  the  Tower,  where  he  was  astounded  and 
somewhat  sobered  by  the  phantom’s  counterpart,  which 
was  identical  in  every  respect. 

The  mother  of  a medical  student  dreamt  that  her  son 
had  got  into  some  serious  trouble  in  London,  and  could  not 
rest  till  she  had  left  her  home  in  the  Midland  counties  and 
sought  him  out.  To  her  sorrow  the  dream  was  painfully 
verified,  and  the  consequences  might  have  been  serious  if 
she  had  not  arrived  in  time. 

Several  years  ago  the  newspapers  were  filled  with  details 
of  a horrible  murder,  of  which  the  facts,  related  from 
memory,  seem  to  be  these : Mrs.  Martin,  the  wife  of  a 
farmer,  was  in  terrible  distress  of  mind  because  her  daughter 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


53 


Maria  was  missing.  It  was  feared  she  had  been  murdered 
bj  her  sweetheart,  in  a fit  of  jealousy,  and  hidden  some- 
where. For  a long  time  no  trace  of  the  body  could  be 
found.  At  length  the  mother  had  a dream,  in  which  it 
was  revealed  to  her  that  the  corpse  of  her  child  was  buried 
under  the  barn  fioor.  This  proved  to  be  the  case,  the  body 
was  recovered,  and  the  murderer  detected. 

A barrister  of  great  penetration  relates  the  story  of  a 
lady  who  dreamt  that  a railroad  guard  was  killed  in  a col- 
lision. She  described  the  man  and  circumstances  so  faith- 
fully that  there  was  no  difficulty  in  identifying  the  guard 
(who  was  actually  killed  the  sauie  night  in  a lamentable 
accident)  as  the  man  she  saw  in  the  dream.  The  lady 
rarely  left  home,  and  the  guard  was  quite  unknown  to  her. 

Archdeacon  Squire,  in  a paper  read  before  the  Eoyal  So- 
ciety in  1748,  tells  the  story  of  a certain  Henry  Axford,  of 
Devizes,  who  caught  a violent  cold  when  he  was  28  years 
of  age,  which  rendered  him  speechless,  and  he  remained 
dumb  for  four  years.  In  July,  1741,  in  his  sleep  he 
dreamt  that  “he  had  fallen  into  a furnace  of  boiling  wort, 
which  put  him  into  such  an  agony  of  fright  that  he  actually 
did  call  out  aloud,  and  recovered  the  use  of  his  tongue 
from  that  moment  as  efiectually  as  ever.” 

Horace  Bushnell,  D.  D.,  in  his  “Nature  and  the  Super- 
natural,” recounts  a case  which  he  thinks  cannot  be  ex- 
plained by  natural  causes.  Sitting  by  the  fire  one  stormy 
November  night,  in  a hotel  parlor  in  the  Napa  valley  of 
California,  there  entered  a venerable-looking  person  named 
Captain  Yount,  who  had  come  to  California  as  a trapper 
more  than  forty  years  betore.  There  he  lived,  had  ac- 
quired a large  estate,  and  was  highly  respected.  The  Cap- 
tain said  that  “six  or  seven  years  previous  he  had  a dream 
in  which  he  saw  what  appeared  to  him  to  be  a company  of 
emigrants  arrested  by  the  snows  of  the  mountains,  and 


54 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


perishing  rapidly  by  cold  and  hunger.  The  whole  scene 
appeared  vividly  before  him;  he  noted  a huge  cliff  and  the 
very  features  of  the  persons,  and  their  looks  of  agonizing 
despair.  He  awoke,  but  shortly  after  fell  asleep  again, 
and  dreamt  precisely  the  same  thing.  Being  now  im- 
pressed with  the  truth  of  the  story,  he  told  it  to  an  old 
hunter  shortly  afterward,  who  declared  that  he  knew  the 
spot  which  exactly  answered  to  his  description.  This  de- 
cided him,  and  taking  a company  of  men,  with  mules, 
blankets,  etc.,  they  hurried  to  the  Carson  Yalley  Pass,  150 
miles  distant,  where  they  found  the  emigrants  in  exactly 
the  condition  of  the  dream,  and  brought  in  the  remnant 
alive.” 


Strange  Avocations. 

SINGULAR  WAYS  IN  WHICH  SOME  PEOPLE  EARN  A LIVING. 

Said  a witness  under  cross-examination  : “I  am  an  early- 
caller.  1 calls  different  tradesmen  at  early  hours,  from  1 
till  5:30  in  the  morning,  and  that  is  how  I.  get  my  living. 
I gets  up  between  12  and  1 ; I goes  to  bed  at  6 and  sleeps 
till  the  afternoon.  I calls  bakers  between  1 and  2 — the 
bakers  are  the  earliest  of  all.”  What  sort  of  a living  he 
made  is  not  recorded.  A pound  a week,  we  would  say, 
would  be  the  outside  figure,  and  to  earn  that  he  would 
need  a couple  of  scores  of  customers.  The  early-caller’s 
fee  is  well-earned,  since  but  for  his  intervention  his  clients 
would  often  lose  a day’s  pay,  if  not  be  thrown  out  of  work 
altogether,  by  failing  to  keep  time. 

Hot  so  deserving  of  encouragement  are  the  ‘ ‘tup-pennies,  ’ ’ 
carrying  on  their  vocations  in  those  quarters  of  London 
where  pawnbrokers  and  poor  people  abound.  They  are 
feminine  intermediaries  between  the  pawnbroker  and  folks 
anxious  to  raise  a loan  upon  their  belongings,  who,  rather 


STAETLINO  STORIES. 


55 


than  transact  such  business  for  themselves,  are  willing  to 
pay  two-pence  for  every  parcel  conveyed  to  everybody’s 
“uncle,”  or  redeemed  from  his  clutches.  These  go- 
betweens,  it  is  averred,  also  receive  a quarterly  commission 
from  the  tradesmen  they  favor  with  their  patronage ; and 
so,  one  way  and  another,  contrive  to  make  a comfortable 
living  out  of  their  neighbors’  necessities. 

There  are  men  in  Paris,  birds  of  a feather  with  the 
chiffonier,  who  go  from  hospital  to  hospital  collecting  the 
linseed  poultices  that  have  served  the  turn  of  doctor  and 
patient ; afterward  pressing  the  oil  from  the  linseed,  and 
disposing  of  the  linen,  after  bleaching  it,  to  the  paper- 
maker.  Others  make  a couple  of  francs  a day  by  collect- 
ing old  corks,  which,  being  cleaned  and  pared,  fetch,  it  is 
said,  half  a franc  per  hundred. 

A lady  resident  of  the  Faubourg  St.  Germain  is  credited 
with  earning  a good  income  by  hatching  red,  black  and 
brown  ants  for  pheasant  preservers.  One  Parisian  gets 
his  living  by  breeding  maggots  out  of  the  foul  meats  he 
buys  of  the  chiffoniers,  and  fattening  them  up  in  tin 
boxes.  Another  breeds  maggots  for  the  special  behoof  of 
nightingales ; and  a third  marchand  d^asticots  boasts  of 
selling  between  thirty  and  forty  millions  of  worms  every 
season  for  piscatorial  purposes.  He  owns  a great  pit  at 
Montmartre,  wherein  he  keeps  his  store.  Every  day  his 
scouts  bring  him  fresh  stock ; for  which  he  pays  them  from 
five  to  ten  pence  per  pound,  according  to  quality  ; reselling 
them  to  anglers  at  just  double  those  rates,  and  clearing 
thereby  something  over  £300  a year. 

This  curious  avocation  is  not  unknown  in  England.  Some 
twelve  years  ago,  we  are  told,  Mr.  Wells,  a fishing-tackle 
maker  of  Nottingham,  in  order  to  insure  a constant  supply 
of  bait  for  his  customers,  started  a farm  for  the  rearing  of 
lobworms,  cockspurs,  ring-tailed  brandlings,  and  other 


56 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


worms  in  demand  among  the  disciples  of  Walton,  who 
abound  in  the  old  lace  town.  To  keep  his  farm  stocked 
men  and  boys  go  out  at  night  collecting  worms  in  the 
meadows  and  pastures  ; a warm,  moist  night  yielding  from 
two  to  six  thousand  worms.  As  soon  as  they  are  brought 
in  they  are  placed  in  properly  selected  moss — field-moss  for 
choice — to  scour  until  they  become  little  more  than  skin — 
freshly-caught  worms  being  too  tender  for  the  anglers  to 
handle;  while  “ when  a worm  is  properly  educated,  he  is 
as  tough  as  a bit  of  india-rubber,  and  behaves  as  a worm 
should  do  when  put  upon  the  hook.”  When  this  condition 
is  attained  the  worms  are  packed  in  moss  and  put  up  in 
light  canvas  bags  for  the  market.  This  worm  merchant 
does  not  entirely  depend  upon  the  industry  of  his  col- 
lectors, but  breeds  large  quantities  himself  in  his  own  gar- 
den— the  component  parts  of  his  breeding-heap  being  a 
secret  he  not  unnaturally  keeps  to  himself. — Chambers* 
Journal, 


Terrific  Balloon  Adventure. 

The  French  aeronauts,  Messrs.  Gasta,  Fommariol,  Gau_ 
thier  and  Perron,  narrowly  escaped  destruction  while  mak- 
ing a scientific  excursion  in  the  clouds  recently.  They  left 
Angers  at  6 o’clock  in  the  evening,  duly  equipped.  They 
were  in  high  spirits,  and  for  a time  all  went  well.  As  night 
came  on,  and  they  made  preparations  to  descend,  a terrific 
storm  arose.  The  balloon  swept  on  with  resistless  force 
over  miles  and  miles  of  country,  until,  to  their  horror,  the 
aeronauts  suddenly  saw  the  lights  of  Nantes  in  the  distance. 
Beyond  lay  the  immense,  somber  ocean.  They  at  once  saw 
that  they  must  descend  at  all  hazards  or  perish.  Opening 
the  valve  they  came  down  wdth  a tremendous  run,  and  in 
one  minute  they  actually  struck  the  earth  no  less  than  six 


SIAKTLINQ  STORIES. 


57 


times.  Each  time  the  balloon  rebounded  like  an  India’ 
rubber  ball  to  the  tremendous  height  of  over  two  hundred 
feet.  The  travelers  clung  tenaciously  to  the  ropes,  uttered 
not  a single  word,  but  grimly  prepared  for  death.  At  last 
the  silence  was  broken  by  M.  Gauthier,  who  exclaimed, 
“My  legs  are  broken!”  The  balloon  swept  on,  dragging 
over  the  ground,  which  it  regularly  plowed  up  wherever  it 
passed.  At  last  the  scronauts  were  seen  by  some  peasants, 
who  hastened  to  their  assistance,  and  with  great  diflSculty 
extricated  them  from  the  wreck.  The  balloon,  thus  light- 
ened, rose,  and  once  more  dashed  into  the  forest  of  La 
Eocheservieres,  where  it  went  to  pieces. 

MM.  Gasta  and  Pommariol  were  no  sooner  on  terra  firma 
than  they  fainted.  All  of  the  four  travelers  were  more  or 
less  injured. 


Terrible  Adventure  with  a Rattlesnake  in  a Mine. 

Dr.  Bartleson,  of  Arizona,  had  quite  a thrilling  experi- 
ence recently.  While  at  Socorro  on  business  he  thought 
he  would  take  a look  at  the  mines  near  town.  The  object 
of  interest  is  the  old  mine — we  have  forgotten  the  name — 
worked  ages  ago,  for  aught  any  one  now  living  knows,  and 
which  has  two  shafts,  one  recently  reopened  to  a depth  of 
forty-live  feet,  where  drifts  indicate  the  first  level.  No  ex- 
plorations beyond  a few  feet  from  the  depth  named  have 
been  made,  though  it  is  evident  that  the  two  shafts  men- 
tioned are  connected  at  this  level.  Desirous  of  a jaunt 
under  ground,  and  at  the  same  time  expressing  astonish- 
ment that  none  of  the  miners  of  the  camp  or  owners  of  the 
mine  had  worked  up  sufficient  curiosity  to  extend  the  dis- 
covery, the  doctor  was  lowered  into  the  shaft.  Emerging 
from  the  bucket,  a taper  was  lighted  and  the  drift  along 
the  vein  entered  upon. 


68 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


A chamber  ten  by  twelve  by  eight  was  soon  entered  by 
crawling  a distance  on  all  fours,  after  an  examination  of 
which  and  a selection  of  some  ores,  the  tour  of  discovery 
was  contiuued.  To  proceed  it  was  again  necessary  to  crawl, 
and  the  doctor  once  more  assumed  the  infantile  position  of 
locomotion.  An  advance  of  a few  feet  had  been  made 
when  a cold,  clammy  substance  was  touched  by  the  liand, 
and  two  bright,  glistening  orbs  gradually  rose  in  air  and 
flashed  back  with  intensified  brightness  the  feeble  rays  of 
the  taper.  Almost  instantly  a hissing,  rattling  sound 
startled  the  hearing,  and  the  doctor  realized  that  he  had 
encountered  a rattlesnake.  To  retreat  was  the  work  of  a 
second,  and  the  chamber  just  left  was  soon  regained.  As- 
suming an  upright  position,  the  doctor  cast  a hasty  glance 
at  the  aperture  from  whence  he  had  emerged,  and  lo  and 
behold,  there  approached  his  adversary,  which,  when  see- 
ing the  disturber  of  his  peace,  coiled  himself  for  a spring. 

A look  was  sufficient  to  satisfy  the  doctor  that  the  snake 
was  one  of  the  largest  of  his  species  and  a determined  foe. 
Immediate  action  was  necessary.  To  retreat  was  to  invite 
and  hasten  the  attack,  with  the  chances  in  favor  of  the 
snake.  To  take  the  aggressive,  then,  was  the  work  of  an- 
other second,  and  picking  up  a chunk  of  ore,  the  doctor 
hurled  it  with  all  his  might  at  the  protruded,  vibrating 
head  of  the  snake,  just  as  he  was  in  the  act  of  springing. 
The  exertion  of  throwing  the  ore  extinguished  the  taper, 
and  the  horror  of  the  then  situation  can  well  be  imagined, 
but  never  accurately  described — the  darkness,  the  dread 
uncertainty  of  the  locality  of  the  reptile,  the  torturing  ignor- 
ance of  the  success  or  failure  of  the  blow,  the  fear  to  move, 
all  combined  to  intensify  the  hair-raising,  chilling  terror  of 
the  situation. 

To  relight  the  taper  was  determined  upon,  though  not 
without  the  realization,  of  the  dread  fact  that  the  snake 


\d  M.v  £ 


> ' I'iS  f iH 


STARTLING  STORIES.  59 

would  take  advantage  of  the  first  ray  of  light  and  spring 
upon  its  foe.  With  fear  and  trembling  the  doctor  eagerly 
followed  the  advancing  rays  of  the  taper  as  they  lit  up  the 
chamber,  and  his  feelings  of  relief  and  joy  can  well  be 
imagined  as  he  saw  stretched  before  him,  not  three  feet 
distant,  the  stunned  body  of  the  snake — the  aim  with  the 
rock  had  been  a success.  At  this  time  the  doctor  bethought 
himself  of  his  revolver,  and,  placing  it  near  the  reptile’s 
head,  effectually  dispatched  him.  The  snake  was  six  feet 
in  length,  very  large  around,  and  numbered  nineteen  rattles. 
The  doctor  had  explored  sujSciently,  and  regained  the  sur- 
face as  soon  as  possible. 


An  Executioner’s  Revenge. 

The  Paris  Figaro  tells  a terrible  story  of  a headman’s 
revenge.  Fourteen  years  ago  the  murderer  Avinain  was 
condemned  to  death.  When,  on  the  morning  of  his  execu- 
tion, ‘‘Mons.  de  Paris  ” entered  his  cell  for  the  purpose  of 
making  his  usual  preparations  for  conveying  him  to  the 
scaffold,  the  culprit  received  him  with  an  outburst  of  abuse, 
couched  in  the  foulest  imaginable  language,  to  which  the 
‘‘executioner  of  high  works  ” listened  impassively,  appar- 
ently paying  no  attention  to  the  torrent  of  insults  and  im- 
precations that  fiowed  from  Avinaiii’s  lips.  Arrived  upon 
the  scaffold,  however,  he  bound  his  “patient”  to  the  plank, 
and  then  deliberately  lowered  the  death-dealing  knife  to 
within  a few  inches  of  the  murderer’s  neck,  examined  its 
edge,  raised  it  again  to^its  usual  height,  and  finally  loosened 
the  catch,  with  the  customary  result.  As  the  remains  of 
the  decapitated  assassin  were  being  removed  from  the  scaf- 
fold, one  of  the  officials  present  observed  to  the  executioner 
that  he  had  not  performed  his  task  as  quickly  as  usual. 


60 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


“No,”  replied  the  latter,  with  an  indescribable  smile,  “ 1 
let  him  wait  a little.”  Experience  had  taught  the  practical 
headsman  how  dire  is  the  agony  of  the  last  few  moments 
preceding  the  dreadful  passage  from  life  to  death  ; so,  mind- 
ful of  the  wrong  inflicted  upon  him  by  the  doomed  man’s 
insults,  he  avenged  the  outrage  with  hideous  completaness 
by  “letting  him  wait  a little.” 


A Curious  Story. 

As  John  B.  Conyer,  a farmer  residing  at  Palestine,  Ind., 
was  watering  nine  cows  at  a pump-trough  recently,  they 
made  a stampede  down  the  lane  as  fast  as  their  legs  would 
carry  them.  The  cause  of  this  sudden  freak  was  a mys- 
tery to  the  hired  man,  but  it  was  not  long  before  he  was 
let  into  what  appeared  to  be  the  secret  of  the  stampede. 
Suddenly,  although  the  sky  was  clear  and  the  atmosphere 
still,  a young  cyclone,  not  over  twenty  feet  in  breadth, 
darted  down  from  the  sky,  and,  striking  the  earth  near  the 
pump,  twisted  off  five  large  beech  trees  as  though  they 
were  weeds. 


A Strange  Vision. 

About  midnight,  just  after  the  accident  in  the  Consol- 
idated Imperial  Mine,  Nevada,  the  wife  of  Matthew  Win- 
nie was  found  on  her  way  to  the  works.  She  said  she  had 
been  awakened  just  befere  by  her  husband,  who  came  all 
mangled  to  her  and  told  her  he  had  been  killed  in  the  mine. 
She  got  up,  dressed  herself  and  started  to  ascertain  the 
truth  of  what  she  was  only  too  well  convinced  was  true. 
There  had  in  reality  been  a fearful  accident.  Mr.  Winnie 
was  indeed  killed,  and  the  trembling  women  went  back  to 
her  children  and  her  desolate  home. 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


61 


Bedstead  Superstition  in  Germany. 

Having  ordered  a neatly  constructed  single  bedstead, 
says  a correspondent  of  London  Notes  and  Queries^  with 
somewhat  high  and  ornamental  sides,  I was  surprised 
when  it  was  brought  home  to  find  that  the  ornamentation 
of  one  side  of  the  bedstead  was  not  repeated  on  the  oppo- 
site side,  it  being,  in  fact,  quite  plain.  I expressed  my 
surprise  and  dissatisfaction  to  the  maker,  saying  that  when 
a bedstead  was  placed  with  its  head  against  the  wall  of  a 
room,  the  sides,  then  showing,  will  appear  quite  unlike — 
one  ornamented  and  the  other  plain.  At  this  the  maker 
expressed  his  surprise  that  I should  be  ignorant  of  a Ger- 
mon  custom  and  prejudice;  “for,”  says  he,  “in  Germany 
single  bedsteads  are  only  placed  sidewise  against  a wall 
or  partition,  and  only  removed  from  this  position  and 
placed  with  the  head  against  the  wall  to  receive  a dead 
body.”  And  the  worthy  maker  assured  me  that  nowhere 
in  Germany  could  a native  be  induced  to  sleep  on  a single 
bedstead  which  had  not  its  side  placed  against  a wall  or 
partition.  The  same  objection  does  not  hold  against  placing 
two  single  bedsteads  side  by  side,  with  their  heads  against 
the  wall. 


How  He  Lost  His  Wagon  Wheel. 

In  Lincoln  County,  Nevada,  there  is  a spring  of  ice-cold 
water  that  bubbles  up  over  a rock  and  disappears  on  the 
other  side,  and  no  one  has  been  able  to  find  where  the 
water  goes.  At  another  point  in  the  same  county  is  a 
large  spring,  about  twenty  feet  square,  that  is  apparently 
only  some  eighteen  inches  deep,  with  a sandy  bottom.  The 
sand  can  be  plainly  seen,  but  on  looking  closer  it  is  per- 
ceived that  this  sand  is  in  a perpetual  state  of  unrest,  and 
no  bottom  has  ever  been  found.  It  is  said  that  a teamster. 


62 


STAKTLINO  STORIES. 


on  reaching  this  spring  one  day,  deceived  by  its  apparent 
shallowness,  concluded  to  soak  one  of  his  wagon  wheels  to 
cure  the  looseness  of  its  tire.  He  took  it  olF  and  rolled  it 
into  the,  as  he  thought,  shallow  water.  He  never  laid  his 
eyes  on  that  wagon  wheel  again. 


A Monster  Clock. 

The  large  clock  at  the  English  House  of  Parliament  is 
the  largest  one  in  the  world.  The  four  dials  in  this  clock 
are  twenty-two  feet  in  diameter.  Every  half-minute  the 
minute  hand  moves  nearly  seven  inches.  The  clock  will 
go  eight  days  and  a half,  and  will  only  strike  for  seven  and 
a half,  thus  indicating  any  neglect  in  winding  it  up.  The 
winding  up  of  the  striking  apparatus  takes  two  hours.  The 
pendulum  is  fifteen  feet  long ; the  wheels  are  cast  iron ; the 
hour  bell  is  eight  feet  high  and  nine  feet  in  diameter,  weigh- 
ing nearly  fifteen  tons,  and  the  hammer  alone  weighs  more 
than  four  hundred  pounds.  This  clock  strikes  the  quarter 
hours  and  by  its  striking  the  short-hand  reporters  regulate 
their  labors.  At  every  strike  a new  reporter  takes  the 
place  of  the  old  one,  while  the  first  retires  to  write  out  the 
notes  that  he  has  taken  during  the  previous  fifteen  minutes. 


A Singular  Passenger  Train. 

An  event  probably  without  precedent  in  railroad  annals 
has  just  happened  at  Provins.  A passenger  train  leaving 
Paris  at  8:20  p.  m.  arrived  safely  at  its  destination,  but  on 
getting  down  to  let  the  passengers  out  of  the  cars,  the 
guard  was  astounded  to  find  neither  passengers  nor  passen- 
ger cars.  They  had  forgotten  to  hook  the  cars  on  at  Paris. 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


63 


Josh  Billings’  Philosofee. 

Don’t  dispize  your  poor  relashuns.  They  may  be  taken 
suddenly  ritch  sum  day,  and  then  it  will  be  awkward  to 
explain  things  to  them ; undoubtedly  so. 

Next  to  a klear  konshience  for  solid  comfort  cums  an 
easy  boot.  Try  both. 

If  a young  man  ain’t  got  a well-oaianced  head,  I like  to 
see  him  part  hiz  hair  in  the  middle.  Don’t  you  ? 

I don’t  take  any  foolish  chances.  If  I wuz  called  upon  to 
mourn  over  a dead  mule,  I should  stand  in  front  ov  him 
and  do  mi  weeping. 

Thare  is  no  man  so  poor  but  what  he  can  afford  to  keep 
one  dog,  and  I hav  seen  them  so  poor  that  they  could  afford 
to  keep  three. 

I say  to  2 thirds  of  the  ritch  people  in  this  world,  make 
the  most  of  your  money,  for  it  makes  the  most  of  you. 
Happy  thought. 

I never  argy  agin  a success  when  I see  a rattle-snaix’s 
ed  sticking  out  of  a hole ; I bear  off  to  the  left  and  say 
to  miself  that  hole  belongs  to  that  snaix. 

The  infidel  argys  just  az  a bull  duz  chaned  to  a post. 
He  bellows  and  saws,  but  he  don’t  git  loose  from  the  post, 
I notiss.  Not  much. 

I thank  the  Lord  that  thare  is  one  thing  in  this  world 
that  money  kant  buy,  and  that  is  the  wag  ov  a dog’s  tail. 
Yure  unkle. 

I have  seen  men  so  fond  ov  arscument,  that  they  would 
dispute  with  a guide-board  at  the  forks  ov  a kuntry  road 
about  the  distance  to  the  next  town.  What  fools. 

Thare  are  but  fu  sights  in  this  life  more  sublime  and 
pathetick  than  to  see  a poor  but  virtuous  young  man  strug- 
gling with  a mustach.  It  iz  thus. 

About  the  hardest  thing  a fellow  kan  do  iz  to  spark  2 
gals  at  one  time  and  preserve  a good  average.  Try  it. 


64 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


I notiss  one  thing,  the  man  who  rides  on  the  kars  every 
day  is  satisfied  with  one  seat ; but  he  who  rides  once  a year 
wants  4.  That’s  so. 

The  man  whom  you  kant  git  to  write  poetry  or  tell  the 
truth  until  you  git  him  hafi*  drunk,  ain’t  worth  the  invest- 
ment. 

Whenever  I see  a real  handsum  woman  engaged  in  the 
wimmin’s  rights  bizzness,  I am  going  to  take  off  mi  hat 
and  jine  the  processhun.  See  if  I don’t. 

Josh  Billings. 


Two  Little  Pictures. 

I. 

Miss  Minnie  Doyle  is  a very  proper  young  lady.  Last 
week  she  caught  her  little  brother  smoking. 

“ You  terrible  thing,”  she  hissed,  “lam  going  to  tell 
father  on  you.” 

“This  is  only  corn  silk,”  muttered  the  boy  penitently. 

“ I don’t  care  what  it  is.  I am  going  to  tell  on  you,  and 
see  that  you  don’t  get  into  that  beastly,  horrid,  degrading 
habit.  1 wouldn’t  have  anything  to  do  with  smokers.” 

II. 

It  is  evening.  Miss  Doyle  is  sitting  on  the  front  stoop 
with  Algernon.  It  is  moonlight,  and  the  redolent  spirits 
of  the  honeysuckles  and  syringa  waft  bliss  to  their  already 
intoxicated  souls. 

“Would  little  birdie  object  to  my  smoking  a cigarette?” 

“Not  at  all,”  replied  Miss  Doyle;  “I  like  cigarettes. 
They  are  so  fragrant  and  romantic.  I think  they  are  just 
too  delicious  for  any  thing.  ’ ’ 

“Then  I’ll  light  one.” 

He  lights  a cigarette,  and  they  talk  about  the  weather  for 
two  hours  and  a half 


STARTLING  STORIES. 


65 


Red-Hot  Ice. 

When,  in  the  “Midsummer  Night’s  Dream,”  the  Lord 
Chamberlain  presents  the  ingenious  play-bill  of  Bully  Bot- 
tom?s  very  tragical  comedy  to  Theseus^  the  King  exclaims, 
“Merry  and  tragical!  Tedious  and  brief!  Hot  ice  and 
wondrous  strange  snow  ! How  shall  we  find  the  concord 
of  this  discord  ?”  Such,  however,  is  the  advance  of  science 
that  the  poet’s  puzzle  has  been  solved,  and  the  concord  of 
hot  ice  been  recently  discovered  by  Mr.  Thomas  Carnelley, 
of  Firth  College,  Sheffield.  This  diligent  experimentalist 
has  found  out  that  any  solid  can  be  heated  to  a considerable 
temperature  if  the  precaution  be  taken  to  keep  it  under  a 
pressure  less  than  a certain  “critical  pressure,”  which  is 
difierent  for  different  substances.  Under  this  condition  the 
solid  heats  and  sublimes  away  into  a vapor  without  first* 
melting  into  a liquid.  There  is  no  intermediate  state  be- 
tween its  solid  and  its  gaseous  condition.  Acting  upon  the 
hint  which  this  general  principle  gave  him,  Mr.  Carnelley 
put  a lump  of  ice  under  an  air-pump  and  reduced  the  ordi- 
nary atmospheric  pressure  on  it  to  something  less  than  the 
“critical  pressure”  for  ice,  and  he  was  then  able  to  heat 
the  solid  block  of  crystal  ice  so  hot  that  it  burned  the  fin- 
gers on  being  touched.  Nor  was  this  all — he  actually  suc- 
ceeded in  freezing  a quantity  of  water  in  a red-hot  cruci- 
ble ! — London  Globe, 


/ 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


A Dog  that  was  Pensioned  by  a Legislature. — A Re- 
markable Story. 

In  the  Territory  of  New  Mexico  the  Legislature,  by 
joint  action,  recently  pensioned  a dog  for  noble  services. 
In  that  country  there  are  many  sheep  farms,  and  shepherd 
dogs  are  so  well  trained  in  caring  for  the  flocks  of  their 
masters,  that  it  is  their  daily  practice  to  take  out  the  flocks 
in  the  morning  to  pasture,  guard  them  all  day,  and,  at 
night,  return  them  to  the  fold  or  coral.  This  work  of  the 
Mexican  dogs  is  so  common  and  so  faithfully  performed 
that  it  is  looked  upon  as  a matter  of  course,  and  nothing 
more  than  should  be  expected  from  a well-trained  dog. 
This  being  the  case,  it  would  appear  that  the  dog  worthy 
of  a pension  in  that  Territory,  must  have  performed  some 
very  marvelous  feat  indeed,  and  something  out  of  the  com- 
mon line  of  canine  achievement.  And  he  did.  lie  did 
not  save  his  mistress’  life  from  the  murderous  fury  of  the 
savage,  nor  her  child  from  being  brained  against  a door- 
post or  being  choked  by  a huge  black  snake,  for  his  master 
was  not  married,  and  had  no  wife  or  babe,  but  led  a soli- 
tary life  in  his  solitary  ranch  in  a very  solitarj^  part  of  New 
Mexico. 

It  chanced  that  the  dog  in  question,  on  returning  of  an 
evening  with  his  sheep  to  the  fold,  discovered  that  his  mas- 


4 


ANIMAL  SI  OKIES. 


ter  was  not  stirring  about,  but  remained  inside  tbe  shanty 
and  kept  very  quiet.  The  next  evening  it  was  the  same. 
The  dog,  when  ho  penned  up  the  sheep,  repaired  to  the 
shanty,  smelled  through  a crack  in  the  door  his  master’s 
presence,  but  the  master  was  still  quiet  and  did  not  breathe. 
The  dog  scratched,  barked,  and  even  howled,  but  no  re- 
sponse came  from  within.  The  door  remained  closed  ; 
no  smoke  arose  from  the  chimney  to  greet  the  early  morn. 
But  the  dog,  true  to  his  appointed  duty,  went  out  with  the 
sheep  on  the  third  day,  and  cared  for  them  while  they 
cropped  the  herbage  on  the  hillsides.  But  he  was  getting 
hungry,  and  that  night  when  he  drove  the  flock  into  their 
pen,  the  last  one  to  attempt  to  go  in  became  the  victim  of 
his  appetite.  This  method  of  providing  for  his  own  wants 
became  a portion  of  the  faithful  dog’s  daily  duty.  Occa- 
sionally the  last  sheep  to  try  to  enter  the  fold  was  seized 
by  him  and  served  for  supper  and  for  breakflist  and  dinner 
the  following  day.  As  stated  before,  the  ranch  to  which 
the  dog  belonged  was  in  a solitary  part  of  the  Territory, 
and  out  of  the  track  of  travel  and  social  intercourse  or  vis- 
itation. 

For  two  years  from  the  time  of  the  master’s  death — as 
ascertained  by  data  left  by  the  latter — the  faithful  dog  tend- 
ed the  flock  committed  to  his  charge,  and  had  fresh  mutton 
for  supper  every  night.  The  flock  was  not  decimated  by 
this  steady  drain  upon  its  resources.  On  the  contrary,  it 
increased  its  numbers,  and  when,  at  the  end  of  two  years 
from  the  time  of  the  death  of  the  proprietor  the  ranch 
was  visited  and  the  remains  of  the  poor  fellow  found,  the 
dog  was  still  at  his  post  of  duty,  jealously  guarding  his 
flock,  and  driving  them  to  the  best  pastures  every  day,  and 
to  the  fold  at  night,  before  which  he  slept,  to  keep  the  wild 
sheep-eaters  of  the  plains  at  a civil  distance.  Such  fldelity 
excited  admiration  wherever  the  story  was  told,  and  the 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


5 


Arcadian  legislators  of  the  Territory,  in  a fit  of  generosity 
and  enthusiasm,  at  their  session  two  years  ago  (they  have 
biennial  sessions  in  that  happy  country)  granted  a pension 
for  life  to  that  dog,  to  be  paid  from  the  State  Treasury  as 
a reward  for  his  fidelity,  and  no  doubt  as  an  encouragement 
to  all  other  shepherd  dogs  in  that  Territory  to  be  good 
dogs  and  faithful. 

A Duck  as  a Trout-Fisher. 

Asa  gentleman  was  fishing  in  a mill-dam  below  Win- 
chester, Ya.,  he  accidentally  threw  his  line  over  a strong 
white  duck,  which,  suddenly  turning  round,  twisted  the 
leader  around  her  own  neck,  and  fixed  the  hook  of  the 
dropper-fiy  in  her  breast.  Thus  entangled  and  hooked, 
she  soon  broke  off  the  leader  above  the  dropper,  and  sailed 
down  the  stream  with  the  end  of  the  fly  trailing  behind  her. 
She  had  not  proceeded  far  before  a trout  of  about  a pound 
and  a half  took  the  fly  effectually.  Then  began  a struggle 
as  extraordinary  as  was  ever  witnessed — a duck  at  the 
dropper  and  a large  trout  at  the  end  of  the  fly.  Whenever 
the  trout  exerted  itself,  the  terror  of  the  duck  was  very 
conspicuous ; it  fluttered  its  wings  and  dragged  the  fish. 
When  the  trout  was  more  quiet  the  duck  evidently  gave 
way,  and  suffered  herself  to  be  drawn  under  some  bushes, 
where  the  shortness  of  the  leader  did  not  allow  the  trout 
to  shelter  itself.  The  duck’s  head  was  frequently  drawn 
under  water.  By  chance,  however,  the  leader  got  across 
a branch  which  hung  downward  into  the  water ; and  the 
duck,  taking  advantage  of  the  purchase  which  this  gave 
her,  dragged  her  opponent  from  the  hole,  and  obliged  him 
to  show  his  head  above  water.  Then  it  became  a contest 
of  life  and  death.  The  trout  was  in  its  last  agonies,  and  the 
duck  in  a very  weak  state,  when  the  leader  broke  and  suf- 
fered them  to  depart  their  own  way. 


6 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


An  Elephant’s  Gratitude. 

A story  comes  from  Teiibury,  Eugland,  where  a men- 
agerie had  been  paying  a visit,  wdiich  illustrates  the  well- 
known  character  of  the  elephant  for  humane  feelings  in  a 
remarkable  degree.  Among  the  animals  was  a very  fino 
female  elephant  called  Lizzie,  which  was  attacked  with  a 
violent  fit  of  colic  and  suffered  intensely.  A local  chem- 
ist, whose  success  as  an  animal  doctor  is  well  known,  treated 
Lizzie  and  saved  the  animal’s  life.  On  the  procession 
passing  the  chemist’s  shop  one  day,  the  elephant  immedi- 
ately recognized  her  benefactor,  who  was  standing  at  the 
door  of  his  shop,  and,  going  up  to  him,  gracefully  placed 
her  trunk  in  his  hand.  The  chemist  visited  the  exhibition 
at  night,  and  met  with  an  unexpected  reception  from  his 
former  patient.  Gently  seizing  the  “doctor”  with  her 
trunk,  the  elephant  encircled  him  with  it,  to  the  terror  of 
the  audience,  who  expected  to  see  him  crushed  to  death ; 
but  Lizzie  had  no  such  intention,  and,  after  having  thus 
demonstrated  her  gratitude  by  acts  more  eloquent  than 
words,  she  released  the  doctor  from  her  embrace  and  pro- 
ceeded with  her  appointed  task. 


A Dog’s  Joke  on  His  Master. 

A gentleman  connected  with  the  United  States  Lake  Sur- 
vey was  engaged  one  day  on  the  skirt  of  a wood  in  Indiana. 
Near  him,  sleeping  lazily  in  the  sun,  lay  his  faithful  dog. 
Tiger.  Thinking  to  have  some  fun  with  the  dog,  he  gave 
a shout  and  a jump  iuto  the  thicket  as  if  all  the  game  ever 
protected  by  game  laws  from  marauding  hunter  was  dash 
ing  through  the  bushes.  As  he  expected.  Tiger  came 
bounding  and  barking  to  the  fray,  and  soon  detecting  the 
trick  that  was  played  upon  him,  sneaked  back  to  his  lair 


ANIMA.L  STORIES. 


T 


and  laid  down  again.  The  Surveyor  resumed  his  duties, 
and  was  hard  at  work  for  two  or  three  hours,  when,  all  at 
once,  the  dog  rose  from  his  sleep,  set  his  ears  and  eyes  in 
the  direction  of  the  wood,  gave  a bark,  and  made  a rush 
for  the  forest  depths.  The  Surveyor  followed  the  noble 
brute  to  a tree,  up  which  he  was  sending  canine  congratu- 
lations to  the  prey;  but  when  the  Surveyor  came,  and  be- 
gan anxiously  to  scan  the  boughs  for  the  hiding  game.  Tiger 
gave  a satisfied  “ah  wooh !”  bestowed  a glance  of  contempt 
at  the  Surveyor,  and,  striking  a dignified  gait,  stalked  back 
to  his  couch  with  the  appearance  of  a dog  that  had  squared 
up  all  accounts  with  the  Lake  Survey,  and  had  left  nothing 
due  on  either  side. 


The  Crows  in  Convention. 

James  Hillman,  a respectable  and  well-to-do  farmer,  liv- 
ing between  Orwigsburg  and  Landingville,  Pa.,  is  the 
authority  for  the  following  remarkable  story : Mr.  Hill- 

man has  on  his  farm  fifteen  acres  of  timber,  which  is  joined 
by  two  other  pieces  of  woodland  of  about  the  same  size. 
One  morning,  during  the  early  part  of  the  week,  Mr.  Hill- 
man’s attention  was  attracted  by  large  fiocks  of  crows  which 
came  from  the  south,  and,  as  if  by  common  consent,  settled 
in  the  woods  mentioned  above.  During  the  ensuing  three 
days  the  crows  in  the  woods  were  reinforced  by  new  ar- 
rivals, until  several  thousands  were  present,  and  the  noise 
they  made  attracted  the  attention  of  people  for  miles 
around.  Sentinel  crows  were  posted  on  the  defences  around 
the  woods,  and  through  them  the  approach  of  a man  or  boy 
was  quickly  communicated  to  the  body  of  crows.  The 
crows  remained  in  this  patch  of  woods  until  Monday  morn- 
ing, when  they  all  left  about  the  same  time,  taking  their 
course  of  flight  in  a northwesterly  direction.  They  left  the 


8 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


woods  in  flocks  containing  200  or  300  each,  at  intervals  of 
flve  or  ten  minutes,  and  the  departure  of  one  of  these  flocks 
was  the  signal  for  loud  and  prolonged  cawing  on  tiie  part 
of  those  remaining  behind.  They  all  departed  in  the  same 
direction,  and  the  last  flock  took  to  wing  about  an  hour 
after  the  first  started.  Since  then  there  has  not  been  a 
crow  seen  in  the  neighborhood.  Mr.  Hillman  says  that 
during  their  stay  in  the  woods,  the  crows  did  not  commit 
any  depredations  on  the  neighboring  cornfields,  and  but 
few  of  them  ever  ventured  beyond  the  confines  of  tho 
timber. 


Superstition  and  a Black  Cat. 

The  steel  works  of  the  Lackawanna  Iron  and  Coal  Com- 
pany at  Scranton,  Pa.,  have  the  reputation  of  being  well 
managed,  and  as  free  from  accident  as  any  similar  estab- 
lishment in  the  United  States,  but  for  ail  that  the  mill  is- 
not  free  from  superstitions.  While  visiting  the  works  on  a 
certain  occasion,  and  watching  the  glow  of  the  gleaming 
steel  as  it  passed  through  the  various  processes  from  the 
river  of  fire  flowing  into  the  converters  to  the  white,  snake- 
like bar  that  ran,  a finished  rail,  under  the  saw,  an  incident 
occurred  which  at  once  startled  and  amused  me.  A group 
of  perspiring  workmen,  with  weapons  of  various  kinds  in 
their  hands,  and  their  faces  wearing  an  expression  of  awe, 
rushed  past  me,  exclaiming : 

“ There  she  goes!” 

Some  of  them  flung  pieces  of  iron  and  slag  at  a retreat- 
ing object  that  ran  rapidly  through  the  mill  and  out  at  a 
distant  door.  At  first  I thought  some  great  accident  had 
occurred.  The  men  seemed  very  much  frightened,  and 
seemed  disappointed  when  the  object  of  their  attention  had 
escaped.  I asked  the  cause  of  their  commotion. 


ANIMAL  STOEIES. 


9 


“Why,  didn’t  you  see  it?”  said  one.  “It  was  that 
black  cat  again!” 

My  curiosity  being  excited,  I asked  one  of  the  foremen 
for  an  explanation. 

“It  seems  odd,”  he  said,  “and  I know  some  persons 
will  laugh  at  us,  but  I tell  you  that  black  cat  is  an  omen  of 
evil  for  this  establishment.  Every  time  we  are  about  to 
have  a big  accident  she  enters  that  door  and  runs  from  one 
end  of  the  works  to  the  other.  At  first  we  took  no  notice 
of  her,  but  finally  her  visits  became  as  regular  as  clock 
work  whenever  anything  serious  was  about  to  occur,  and 
the  men  began  to  take  warning  from  her  and  neglected 
their  work  when  she  came.  They  noticed  that  she  never 
halted  in  the  mill,  but  ran  from  end  to  end  of  it  like  a 
streak  of  lightning.  That’s  why  you  saw  us  so  anxious  to 
kill  her.  The  foremen  wish  to  get  her  out  of  the  way,  as 
her  visits  are  so  demoralizing  to  the  workmen,  and  the  fact 
that  she  seems  to  lead  a charmed  life  and  get  away  every 
time  unhurt,  rather  strengthens  the  superstition  concerning 
her.” 


A Famous  Goose. — The  Companion  Bird  to  the  One 
that  Saved  Rome. 

An  interesting  relic  is  preserved  in  a glass  case  in  the 
Coldstream  Guards’  orderly-room  at  Whitehall.  It  consists 
of  the  head  and  neck  of  a goose,  around  which  is  a golden 
collar  with  the  inscription:  “Jacob — Second  Battalion 

Coldstream  Guards.”  Beneath  it  are  the  words,  “Died  on 
duty.” 

In  1838  a rebellion  broke  out  in  our  Canadian  posses- 
sions, and  two  battalions  of  the  guards  were  sent  thither  to 
assist  in  quelling  it,  the  battalion  already  mentioned  being 
one  of  them.  Both  corps  occupied  the  citadal  of  Quebec, 


T 


10  ANIMAL  STORIES. 

and  in  their  turn  supplied  the  guards  which  were  ordered 
to  be  mounted  in  different  parts  of  the  town  and  neighbor- 
hood. Near  one  of  these  guards  was  a farm-yard  which 
had  suffered  much  from  the  ravages  of  foxes — animals  that 
were  at  that  period  a great  pest  to  the  colonists,  and  as  the 
farm  in  question  had  been  suspected  of  being  the  meeting 
place  of  the  rebels,  a chain  qf  sentries  was  placed  around 
it.  One  day  the  sentry,  whose  duty  it  was  to  watch  the 
entrance  to  the  farm,  had  his  attention  attracted  by  an  un- 
usual noise,  and  on  looking  toward  the  spot  whence  it  pro- 
ceeded, he  beheld  a fine  goose  fieeing  toward  him,  closely 
pursued  by  a fox.  His  first  impulse  was  to  have  a shot  at 
the  latter,  but  this  would  have  alarmed  the  guard  and 
brought  condign  punishment  on  himself  for  giving  a false 
alarm.  He  was  compelled,  therefore,  to  remain  a silent 
spectator  of  the  scene,  while  every  step  brought  reynard 
nearer  to  his  prey.  In  the  height  of  its  despair  the  poor 
bird  ran  its  head  and  neck  between  the  legs  of  the  soldier 
in  its  frantic  endeavor  to  reach  the  refuge  which  the  sentry 
box  could  afford ; and  at  the  same  moment  the  wily  fox 
made  a desperate  grab  at  the  goose,  but  too  late,  for  ere 
he  could  get  a feather  between  his  teeth,  the  ready  bayonet 
of  the  sentinel  had  passed  through  his  body.  The  poor 
goose,  by  way  of  showing  its  gratitude  to  its  preserver, 
rubbed  his  head  between  his  legs  and  made  other  equally 
curious  demomstrations  of  joy,  nor  could  it  ever  be  pre- 
vailed upon  to  quit  the  post,  but  walked  up  and  down,  day 
after  day  with  each  successive  sentry  that  was  placed  there, 
until  the  battalion  left  Canada,  when  the  goose  was  brought 
away  with  it  as  a regimental  pet  to  England. 

The  most  remarkable  thing  in  connection  with  the  story 
is  that  the  goose  in  turn  actually  saved  its  preserver’s  life. 
Whether  the  former  knew  that  the  sentry  was  the  same 
man  or  not,  must  of  course  forever  remain  a problem ; but 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


11 


it  so  happened  that  he  was  on  that  particular  post  about 
two  months  afterward,  when  a desperate  attempt  was  made 
to  surprise  and  kill  the  unwary  sentinel.  It  was  winter 
time,  and  although  it  was  a bright  moonlight  night,  the 
moon  was  hidden  ever  and  anon  by  the  scudding  clouds 
which  seemed  to  presage  an  approaching  storm.  In  these 
moments  of  darkness  a sharp  observer  might  have  noticed 
the  shadows  of  several  men  who,  unobserved  by  the  some- 
what drowsy  sentinel,  were  endeavoring  stealthily  to  ap- 
proach the  post  where  he  stood.  Suddenly  he  heard,  or 
thought  he  heard,  a strange,  rustling  sound,  and,  bringing 
his  musket  to  his  shoulder,  he  shouted  loudly : “Who 

goes  there  ?”  Not  a sound,  save  the  echo  of  his  own  voice 
in  the  distance  and  the  sighing  of  the  winter  wind  among 
the  branches  of  the  trees  which  sood  in  the  deserted  farm 
yard,  responded  to  the  challenge. 

Several  minutes  elapsed,  during  which  the  soldier 
marched  up  and  down  his  lonely  beat  followed  by  the  de- 
voted goose,  until,  deeming  his  alarm  unwarranted,  he 
again  “stood  at  ease”  before  the  sentry-box.  This  was 
the  enemy’s  opportunity,  and  the  rebels  were  not  long  in 
endeavoring  to  profit  by  it.  Closer  and  closer  they  stole 
up  toward  the  post,  the  thick  snow  which  lay  on  the  ground 
completely  deadening  the  sound  of  their  footsteps.  But 
just  as  two  of  their  number,  one  on  each  side  of  the  sentry- 
box,  were  preparing  with  uplifted  knife  to  spring  upon  the 
unsuspecting  man,  the  bird  made  a grand  effort,  rose  sud- 
denly on  its  wings,  and  swept  round  the  sentry-box  with 
tremendous  force,  flapping  its  wings  right  in  the  faces  of 
the  would-be  assassins.  They  were  astounded  and  rushed 
blindly  forward  ; but  the  sentry,  fully  aroused  to  his  dan- 
ger, bayoneted  one  and  shot  at  the  other  as  he  was  running 
away.  Meanwhile,  the  other  conspirators  approaclied  to 
the  assistance  of  their  colleagues ; but  the  bird  repeated  its 


12 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


tactics  and  enaoied  the  sentry  to  keep  them  at  bay  until 
the  guard — whom  the  firing  of  his  musket  had  alarmed — 
came  upon  the  scene  and  made  them  flee  for  their  lives. 

When  this  incident  became  known,  poor  old  Jacob  be- 
came the  hero  of  the  garrison  ; and  the  officers  subscribed 
for  and  purchased  the  golden  collar  which  the  bird  after- 
ward wore  until  the  day  of  his  death. 

Upon  the  arrival  of  the  regiment  in  London,  the  bird  re- 
sumed its  duties  with  the  sentinels  posted  on  the  barrack 
gates ; it  was  exceedingly  amusing  to  watch  its  move- 
ments as  it  walked  proudly  up  and  down  with  the  sentry, 
or  stood  to  “attention  ” beside  the  box  when  the  latter  was 
saluting  a passing  officer  or  guard.  The  feathered  hero 
was  well  fed  and  cared  for,  and  a circular  bath  filled  with 
water  was  always  at  his  disposal.  Children  were  his  es- 
pecial favorites,  as  they  used  to  bring  the  creature  all  kinds 
of  food  ; but  Jacob  would  never  tolerate  any  liberties  ex- 
cept when,  in  military  parlance,  he  was  “standing  easy.” 
For  many  years  Jacob  seemed  to  bear  a charmed  life  ; but 
he  was  at  length  run  over  by  a van.  Every  effort  which 
kindness  and  skill  could  suggest  was  made  to  save  this  ex- 
traordinary bird  ; but  it  was  of  no  avail,  and  he  died  like  a 
true  English  soldier,  at  the  post  of  duty  after  a “sentry-go” 
of  not  less  than  twelve  years. 


Lynching  a Sparrow. 

Many  singmar  and  almost  incredible  stories,  says  the 
Syracuse  Herald^  have  been  told  concerning  the  little  Eng- 
lish sparrows  that  infest  our  parks  and  highways,  but  an 
instance  that  recently  came  under  notice  can  be  vouched 
for.  A few  days  since  an  unusual  commotion  was  noticed 
among  a large  number  of  sparrows  in  the  vicinity  of  H.  C. 
Brower’s  house,  at  the  corner  of  M^est  Jefferson  and  Clin- 


ANDIAL  STOEIES. 


13 


ton  streets.  The  attention  of  a member  was  obnoxious 
the  others,  and  a continued  effort  was  made  to  drive  it  from 
the  nest  which  it  made  in  the  cornice.  After  a time  two  of 
the  sparrows  left  the  others,  and  soon  returned  with  a string, 
which  was,  in  some  indescribable  manner,  attached  to  the 
neck  of  their  obnoxious  mate  and  the  other  end  attached 
to  the  cornice,  from  which  the  little  fellow  was  suspended 
till  life  was  extinct.  During  this  time  great  commotion 
prevailed  among  those  who  witnessed  the  ‘‘execution.” 
Any  of  our  readers  who  may  take  the  trouble  to  visit'  Mr. 
Brower’s  house  may  see  the  sparrow  still  suspended  by  the 
neck  where  he  was  left  by  his  mates. 

A similar  execution,  says  the  Oswego  Times^  took  place 
in  this  city,  not  long  since,  and  was  noticed  in  the  Times. 
The  victim  still  hangs,  or  did  until  recently,  on  a tree  on 
the  south  side  of  East  Park. 


Anaconda  Stories. 

A Paris  paper  says  : “A  singular  accident  occurred  re- 
cently at  the  Museum.  In  an  attack  of  indigestion,  super- 
induced by  over-indulgence  in  greased  rabbits,  one  of  the 
boa-constrictors  was  taken  with  an  attack  of  vomiting  so 
violent  that  he  turned  himself  wrong-side  out,  head  and  all, 
as  one  would  a stocking ! The  savants  at  the  Museum  are 
at  their  wits’  end,  having  never  before  encountered  a case 
of  the  sort.”  This  case  (says  the  Buffalo  Commercial  Ad- 
vertiser) is  indeed  an  unusual  one,  but  by  no  means  un- 
precedented. A few  years  ago  there  was  a boa-constrictor 
owned  by  the  late  Mr.  Van  Amburgh,  whose  performances 
were  even  far  more  extraordinary  than  those  recorded 
above.  Some  of  the  feats  of  this  accomplished  serpent 
were  commemorated  in  the  following  lines,  written  by  the 


u 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


poet  Longfellow  in  return  for  a free  admission  to  the  show : 

“Next  comes  the  Anaconda- Boa-Constrictor, 

Called  Anaconda  for  brevity  : 

Can  swallow  an  elephant  as  well  as  a toad, 

And  noted  for  great  longevity. 

He  can  swallow  himself,  crawl  through  himself, 

Come  out  with  much  facility, 

Tie  himself  in  a bow-knot,  snap  his  tail. 

And  wink  with  great  agility.” 

Thus  it  will  be  seen  that,  even  in  the  somewhat  repulsive 
department  of  educated  reptiles,  our  free  and  glorious  Re- 
public is  immeasurably  in  advance  of  the  vain  but  torpid 
Europeans. 


Miss  Clinton’s  Crickets. 

Miss  Lucille  Clinton,  says  a writer  in  the  New  York  Sun^ 
a handsome  young  artist,  who  leads  a kind  of  hermit  life 
in  her  studio,  at  Broadway  and  Eighteenth  street,  is  in  love 
with  crickets  and  cats.  About  ten  years  ago  Miss  Clinton, 
being  then  a young — very  young — school-girl,  read  Dick- 
ens’ story  of  “The  Cricket  on  the  Hearth.”  Miss  Clinton 
was  so  affected  by  the  story  that  she  det«*mined  to  have  a 
cricket  at  any  cost.  She  hunted  the  fields  for  days  and 
weeks  before  she  even  heard  a cricket,  and  it  was  a long 
time  after  she  did  hear  the  first  cricket  that  she  was  able  to 
find  and  capture  one,  so  deceptive  is  the  voice  and  so  shy 
are  the  movements  of  the  cricket.  Then  it  was  a long 
time  again  before  the  young  admirer  of  crickets  learned 
enough  about  the  wants  and  habits  of  those  sprightly  crea- 
tures to  be  able  to  carry  them  through  the  winter  alive  and 
bring  up  the  young  in  the  spring.  She  was  very  patient, 
though,  and  now  what  Miss  Clinton  doesn’t  know  about 
crickets  isn’t  worth  knowing.  She  has  a large  “fernery  ” 
full  of  crickets,  and  a large  quantity  of  eggs,  that  are  ex- 


ANIMAX  STORIES. 


15 


pected  to  produce  a good  many  more  crickets,  if  no  mis- 
fortune happens. 

Last  evening  Miss  Clinton  gave  a sort  of  cricket  soiree, 
having  invited  a number  of  persons  in  to  hear  the  crickets 
‘ “sing.”  The  concert  was  given  by  about  100  stalwart 
crickets.  The  listeners,  all  but  Miss  Clinton,  were  ready 
to  make  affidavit  that  all  the  crickets  sang  exactly  alike  and 
dreadfully  out  of  tune.  But  Miss  Clinton  was  equally  pos- 
itive that  each  cricket  had  a voice  that  differed  from  the 
voices  of  all  other  crickets ; and  she  ought  to  know. 

“Every  time  I go  to  the  country,”  said  the  interesting 
young  artist,  “I  spend  most  of  the  time  cricketing.  I’m 
glad  I wasn’t  in  the  country  yesterday  and  day  before,  for 
I would  surely  have  been  sun  struck  while  looking  for 
crickets.  I have  already  been  prostrated  twice  while  crick- 
eting. When  I am  riding  through  the  country,  whether  it 
is  in  my  own  conveyance  or  in  a stage,  I always  have  to 
stop  if  I hear  a cricket.  Sometimes  I make  the  other  pas- 
sengers awful  angry  by  making  the  driver  wait  while  I go 
off  into  a field  to  look  for  a cricket.  They  will  say  I am 
crazy,  and  that  there  is  no  cricket  there  at  all.  But  I al- 
ways find  him,  and  when  I bring  him  back  they  say  I was 
right,  and  then  they  all  begin  to  like  crickets  from  that 
time.  I often  tame  then  so  that  they  will  creep  up  my 
arm  to  the  shoulder — I mean  outside  you  know.  My  cat 
likes  the  crickets  almost  as  well  as  I do.  I couldn’t  go  to 
sleep  if  I couldn’t  hear  them  singing.” 


A Remarkable  Dog  Story, — “The  Sixth  Sense.” 

In  an  article  on  “The  Sixth  Sense,”  published  in  the 
Popular  Science  Monthly^  Dr.  Felix  L.  Oswald  tells  the 
following  strange  story : 


16 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


“We  often  hear  of  the  wondrous  sagacity — generally  as- 
cribed to  memory  or  acuteness  of  scent — which  enables  a 
dog  to  find  his  way  home  by  unknown  roads,  even  from  a 
considerable  distance.  I think  it  can  be  practically  demon- 
strated that  this  faculty  has  nothing  to  do  with  memory, 
and  very  little  with  scent,  except  in  a quite  novel  sense  of 
the  word. 

“Last  fall,  my  neighbor,  Dr.  L.  G , of  Cincinnati, 

Ohio,  exchanged  some  suburban  property  for  a house  and 
office  near  the  City  Ilospital,  and  at  the  same  time  dis- 
charged a number  of  his  four-footed  retainers.  A litter  of 
poodle  puppies  were  banished  to  Covington,  Kentucky, 
across  the  river,  and  two  English  pointers  were  adopted  by 
a venatorial  ruralist  in  the  eastern  part  of  Ohio.  The  pup- 
pies submitted  to  exile,  but  one  of  the  pointers,  like  the 
black  friar  in  the  halls  of  Amundeville,  declined  to  be 
driven  away.  He  returned,  by  ways  and  means  known  to 
himself  alone,  once  from  Portsmouth  and  twice  from  Lucas- 
ville  in  Scioto  county,  the  last  time  in  a blinding  snow  storm 
and  under  circumstances  which  led  his  owner  to  believe 
that  he  must  have  steered  by  memory  rather  than  by  scent. 
But  how  had  he  managed  it  the  first  time?  The  matter 
was  discussed  at  a reunion  of  amateur  sportsmen  and  natu- 
ralists, and  one  opponent  of  the  doctor’s  theory  proposed 
as  a crucial  test  that  the  dog  be  chloroformed  and  sent  by 
a night  train  to  a certain  farm  near  Somerset,  Kentucky 
(one  hundred  and  sixty  miles  from  Cincinnati);  if  he  found 
his  way  back  he  could  not  have  done  it  by  memory. 

The  doctor  objected  to  chloroform,  remembering  that 
dogs  and  cats  often  forget  to  awake  from  anaesthetic  slum- 
bers; but  finally  Hector  was  drugged  with  a dose  of 
Becker’s  elixir  (an  alcoholic  solution  of  morphine),  and 
sent  to  Somerset  in  charge  of  a freight-train  conductor. 
The  conductor  reports  that  his  passenger  groaned  in  his 


UNIVERSITY  OF  ILLINOIS 


URBANA 


Mrs.  O’Leary’s  Cow  that  set  Chicago  on  Fire  in  1871. 


ANIMAL  STOEIES. 


17 


stupor  ‘ Like  a Christian  in  a whiskey  fit,’  at  length  relieved 
himself  by  stretching  and  went  to  sleep  again.  But  in  the 
twilight  of  the  next  morning,  while  the  train  was  taking  in 
wood  at  King’  Mountain,  eighteen  miles  north  of  Somerset, 
the  dog  escaped  from  the  caboose  and  staggered  toward  the 
depot  in  a dazed  sort  of  way.  Two  brakemen  started  in 
pursuit,  but  seeing  them,  the  dog  gathered  himself  up, 
bolted  across  a pasture  and  disappeared  in  the  mist.  At 
10  a.m.  on  the  following  day  he  turned  up  in  Cincinnati, 
having  run  a distance  of  one  hundred  and  forty-two  .miles 
in  about  twenty-eight  hours. 

Still  the  test  was  not  decisive.  The  dog  might  have  re- 
covered from  his  lethargy  in  time  to  ascertain  the  general 
direction  of  his  journey,  and  returned  to  the  northern  ter- 
minus by  simply  following  the  railroad  track  backward. 
The  projector  of  the  experiment,  therefore,  proposed  a new 
test,  with  different  amendments,  to  be  tried  on  his  next 
hunting  trip  to  Central  Kentucky.  On  the  last  day  of  Janu- 
ary the  dog  was  sent  across  the  river,  and,  nem.  con.^  the  ex- 
perimenter fuddled  him  with  ether  and  put  him  in  a wicker 
basket,  after  bandaging  his  nose  with  a rag  that  had  been 
scented  with  a musky  perfume.  Starting  with  an  evening 
train  of  the  Cincinnati  Southern  Railroad,  he  took  his 
patient  south-west  to  Danville  Junction,  thence  east  to 
Crab  Orchard,  and  finally  north-east  to  a hunting  rendez- 
vous near  Berea,  in  Madison  County.  Here  the  much- 
traveled  quadruped  was  treated  to  a handsome  supper, 
but  had  to  pass  the  night  in  a dark  tool-shed. 

“The  next  morning  they  lugged  him  out  to  a clearing 
behind  the  farm,  and  slipped  his  leash  on  top  of  a grassy 
knob,  at  some  distance  from  the  next  larger  wood.  The 
dog  cringed  and  fawned  at  the  feet  of  his  traveling  com- 
panion, as  if  to  conciliate  his  consent  to  the  meditated  en- 
terprise, and  then  slunk  off  into  a ravine,  scrambled  up  the 


18 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


opposite  bank,  and  scampered  away  at  a trot  fij*st,  and  by 
and  by  at  a gallop — not  toward  Crab  Orchard,  <5.,  south- 
east, but  due  north  toward  Morgan’s  Ridge  and  Boons- 
boro — in  a bee-line  to  Cincinnati,  O.  They  saw  him  cross 
a stubble  field,  not  a bit  like  an  animal  that  has  lost  its 
way  and  has  to  turn  right  and  left  to  look  for  landmarks, 
but,  ‘like  a horse  on  a tramway,’  straight  ahead,  with  his 
nose  well  up,  as  if  he  were  following  an  air-line  toward  a 
visible  gaol.  He  made  a short  detour  to  the  left,  to  avoid 
a lateral  ravine,  bat  further  up  he  resumed  his  original 
course,  leaping  a rail  fence,  and  went  headlong  into  a copH 
pice  of  cedar  bushes,  where  they  finally  lost  sight  of  him. 

A report  to  the  above  effect,  duly  countersigned  by  the 
Berea  witnesses,  reached  the  dog’s  owner  on  February  4th, 
and  on  the  afternoon  of  the  following  day  Hector  met  his 
master  on  the  street,  wet  and  full  of  burrs  and  remorse, 
evidently  ashamed  of  his  tardiness.  That  settled  the 
memory  question.  Till  they  reached  Crab  Orchard  the 
dog  had  been  under  the  full  influence  of  ether,  and  the  last 
thing  he  could  possibly  know  from  memory,  was  a mislead- 
ing fact,  namely,  that  they  had  brought  him  from  a south- 
westerly direction.  Between  Berea  and  Cincinnati  he  had 
to  cross  two  broad  rivers  and  three  steep  mountain  ranges, 
and  had  to  pass  by  or  through  five  good-sized  towns,  the 
centers  of  a network  of  bewildering  roads  and  by-roads. 
He  had  never  been  in  that  part  of  Kentucky  before,  nor 
ever  within  sixty  miles  of  Berea.  The  inclination  of  the 
water-shed  might  have  guided  him  to  the  Kentucky  River, 
and  by  and  by  back  to  the  Ohio,  but  far  below  Cincinnati, 
and  by  an  exhaustively  circuitous  route.  The  weather, 
after  a few  days  of  warm  rains,  had  turned  clear  and  cool, 
so  that  no  thermal  data  could  have  suggested  the  fact  that 
he  was  two  degrees  south  of  his  home.  The  wind,  on  that 
morning,  varied  from  west  to  north-west ; and,  if  it  wafted 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


19 


a taint  of  city  atmosphere  across  the  Kentucky  Kiver 
Mountains,  it  must  have  been  from  the  direction  of  Frank- 
fort or  Louisville.  So,  what  induced  the  dog  to  start  due 
north  ? 


Wiped  Out — A Story  of  the  Plains. 

The  Detroit  Free  Press  gives  the  following  graphic  illus- 
tration of  a stampede  among  a herd  of  buffaloes ; 

What  is  that  ? 

Look  closer  and  you  will  see  that  it  is  a ^unt,  grim 
wolf,  creeping  out  of  the  little  grove  of  cottonwoods,  to- 
wards a buffalo  calf  gamboling  around  its  mother. 

Kaise  your  eyes  a little  more,  and  you  will  see  that  the 
prairie  beyond  is  alive  with  buffalo.  Count  them.  You 
might  as  well  try  to  count  the  leaves  on  a giant  maple ! 
They  are  moving  foot  by  foot  as  they  crop  the' juicy  grass, 
and  living  waves  rise  and  fall  as  the  herd  slowly  sweep  on. 
Afar  out  to  right  and  left — mere  specks  on  the  plain — are 
the  flankers;  brave  old  buffaloes,  which  catch  a bite  ot 
grass  and  then  sniff  the  air  and  scan  the  horizon  for  intima- 
tion of  danger.  They  are  the  sentinels  of  the  herd,  and 
right  well  can  they  be  trusted. 

The  wolf  creeps  nearer ! 

All  the  afternoon  the  great  herd  has  fed  in  peace,  and  as 
xt  now  slowly  moves  toward  the  distant  river  it  is  all  uncon- 
scious that  danger  is  near.  Look  you  well  and  watch  the 
wolf,  for  you  are  going  to  see  such  a sight  as  not  one  man 
in  ten  thousand  has  ever  beheld. 

Creep — crawl — skulk — now  behind  a Knoll — now  draw- 
ing himself  over  the  grass — now  raising  his  head  above  a 
thistle  to  mark  the  locality  of  his  victim.  It  is  a lone, 
shambling,  skulking  wolf,  lame,  and  spiteful,  and  treachei^ 
ous.  Wounded  or  ailing,  he  has  been  left  alone  to  get  on 


20 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


as  best  he  may,  and  his  green  eyes  light  up  with  fiercer 
blaze  as  he  draws  nearer  and  nearer  to  his  unconscious  prey. 

There ! No,  he  is  yet  too  far  away.  Creep,  creep,  creep. 
Now  he  is  twenty  feet  away,  now  fifteen,  now  ten.  He 
hugs  the  earth,  gathers  his  feet  under  him,  and  he  bounds 
through  the  air  as  if  shot  from  a gun.  lie  is  rolling  the 
calf  over  and  over  on  the  grass  in  three  seconds  after  he 
springs. 

Now  watch ! 

A cry  of  pain  from  the  calf— a furious  bellow  from  the 
mother  as  she  wheels  and  charges  the  wolf — a startled 
movement  from  a dozen  of  the  nearest  animals,  and  a rush 
begins.  The  one  wolf  is  magnified  into  a hundred,  the 
hundred  into  a thousand.  Short,  sharp  bellows,  snorts  of 
alarm,  a rush,  and  in  fifty  seconds  after  the  wolf  has  wet 
his  fangs  with  blood  that  living  mass  is  in  motion  to  get 
away  from  an  unknown  terror.  The  waves  rise  higher  and 
higher  as  the  confusion  spreads.  One  instant  it  seems  as  if 
10,000  solid  acres  of  prairie  were  moving  bodily  away — 
again  waves  rise  and  fall  as  the  cowards  behind  rush  upon 
those  in  front  who  wait  to  sniff  the  air  and  learn  the  danger. 
In  one  minute  the  alarm  runs  down  the  herd  to  the  leaders 
— further  than  the  eye  can  see,  and  the  entire  herd  is  going 
off  at  a mad  gallop,  heads  down,  eyes  rolling,  and  no  thought 
but  that  of  escape.  If  Lake  Erie  were  to  dash  itself  against 
a wall,  the  shock  would  be  no  greater  than  the  awful  crash 
with  which  this  mass  of  rattling  hoofs,  sharp  horns,  and 
hairy  bodies  would  meet  it.  The  clatter  of  hoofs  and  rattle 
of  horns  would  drown  the  noise  of  a brigade  of  cavalry 
galloping  over  a stone-paved  road. 

Eide  out  on  their  trail.  Here  where  the  stampede  began 
the  ground  is  torn  and  furrowed  as  if  a thousand  cannon 
had  been  firing  solid  shot  at  targets.  Here  and  there  are 
calves  which  have  been  sored  or  crushed — here  and  there 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


21 


older  animals  with  broken  legs  and  disabling  wounds. 
Here,  where  the  herd  was  fairly  off,  you  might  as  well  hunt 
for  a gold  dollar  as  a blade  of  grass.  You  look  for  three 
miles  as  you  look  across  it.  It  is  a trail  of  dirt,  and  dust, 
and  ruts,  and  furrows,  where  half  an  hour  ago  was  a carpet 
of  green  grass  and  smiling  flowers.  The  most  dreadful 
cyclone  known  to  man  could  not  have  left  more  horrible 
scars  behind. 

Miles  away,  on  the  banks  of  the  winding,  growling  river, 
are  three  white-topped  emigrant  wagons.  A camp-fire 
blazes  up  to  boil  the  kettles, — men,  women  and  children 
stand  about,  peering  over  the  setting  sun  at  the  distant 
mountains,  and  glad  that  their  journey  is  almost  done. 
Butterflies  come  and  go  on  lazy  wing,  the  crickets  chirp 
cheerily  in  the  grass,  and  the  eagles  sailing  in  the  blue 
evening  air  have  no  warning  to  give. 

Hark  ! Is  that  thunder  ? 

Men  and  women  turn  in  their  tracks  as  they  look  in  vain 
for  a cloud  in  the  sky.  That  rumble  comes  again  as  they 
look  into  each  other’s  faces.  It  grows  louder  as  women 
turn  pale  and  men  reach  for  their  trusty  rifles.  The  ground 
trembles,  and  afar  off  comes  a din  which  strikes  terror  to 
the  heart.  “Indians!”  they  whisper.  No!  A thousand 
times  better  for  them  if  savage  Pawnee  dared  ride  down 
where  these  long-barreled  rifles  could  speak  a defense  of 
the  peaceful  camp. 

“A  stampede  of  buffaloes !”  gasps  one  of  the  men  as  he 
catches  sight  of  the  advance-guard  under  the  awful  cloud  of 
dust.  Bifles  are  ready  for  a shot,  and  the  children  climb 
up  on  the  heavy  wagon-wheels  to  see  the  strange  procession 
gallop  by. 

Here  they  come ! Crack ! crack ! crack ! from  three 
rifles,  and  a shout  as  each  bullet  tells.  Next  instant  a 
shaggy  head,  followed  by  a dust-browned  body,  rushed 


22 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


through  the  camp.  Then  another,  and  another.  The  men 
shout  and  wave  their  arms  ; the  women  and  children  turn 
paler  yet. 

The  roar  and  din  shut  out  every  other  sound,  and  the 
wagons  jar  and  tremble  with  the  concussion.  Now  another 
shaggy  head — another — half-a-dozen — a score — a hundred 
— a great  living  wave  which  sweeps  along  with  the  power 
of  a tornado,  followed  by  others  more  fierce  and  strong, 
and  the  camp  is  blotted  off  the  face  of  the  earth  more  com- 
pletely than  by  any  power  of  Heaven.  Nothing  to  be  seen 
— no  shout  to  be  heard.  Wave  followed  wave  across  the 
spot — over  the  bank — into  the  stream  and  across,  and  when 
the  last  of  the  herd  had  passed,  the  keenest  hunter  could 
find  nothing  on  that  spot,  of  wood,  or  iron,  or  cloth,  or  bone, 
or  flesh,  to  prove  that  a dozen  men,  women  and  children 
were  there  wiped  out  of  existence,  and  reduced  to  shred 
and  dust. 


Peculiarities  of  a Massachusetts  Swan. 

Visitors  to  Pine  Grove  Cemetery,  Milford,  Mass.,  are 
much  surprised  to  see  a swan  standing  on  a grave  near  a 
child’s  rocking-horse.  The  swan  utters  a shriek  if  any  one 
attempts  to  approach  the  grave.  Some  years  ago  the  male 
to  the  swan  died,  and  soon  after  the  rocking-horse  was 
placed  on  the  newly-made  grave,  when  the  surviving  swan 
immediately  stationed  himself  as  protector  over  the  horse. 
If  the  father  of  the  little  boy  who  is  buried  there  approaches, 
the  swan  makes  no  outcry,  but  no  one  else  is  allowed  to  ap- 
proach the  spot.  Recently  the  horse  was  taken  away  and 
painted,  and  while  it  was  absent  the  swan  took  no  notice  of 
the  grave,  but  passed  its  time  on  the  pond  or  in  its  house ; 
but  when  the  horse  was  replaced,  the  swan  took  up  its 
position  by  its  side,  thus  showing  that  it  was  the  rockiiig- 


ANIMAL  STOEIES. 


23 


horse  and  not  the  grave  that  was  the  object  of  its  vigil.  It 
is  rumored  that  the  trustees  ordered  the  horse  removed, 
but  the  owner  of  the  lot  refused  to  comply  with  the  com- 
mand, because  his  son  had  requested  that  it  be  placed  above 
his  grave. 


Snakes  Catching  Fish. 

One  day,  says  a writer  in  Forest  and  Stream^  while 
catching  minnows  as  usual,  I noticed  a number  of  snakes, 
the  common  water  moccasin,  approaching  the  dam  or  foot- 
way of  stones.  The  water  yet  lacked  several  inches  of 
reaching  the  top  of  the  stoneway,  although  it  was  rushing 
in  quite  rapidly,  and  carrying  with  it  many  bull-minnows 
and  small  white  perch  which  were  unable  to  resist  it. 
Watching  the  snakes,  I saw  one  after  another  reach  the 
dam  and  take  their  station  upon  it,  submerging  themselves 
all  but  their  heads,  which  were  raised  about  an  inch  above 
the  water,  and  pointed  in  the  direction  of  the  incoming 
tide.'  In  this  position  I counted  seventeen  snakes,  arranged 
in  uneven  intervals,  in  a space  of  less  than  sixty  feet.  I 
came  to  the  conclusion  at  once  that  they  were  fishing,  and 
watched  them  with  a good  deal  of  interest.  Pretty  soon  I 
saw  one  head  strike  forward,  going  under  the  water,  reap- 
pearing in  a moment  with  a very  large  bull-miimow  in  its 
mouth.  The  snake  immediately  loosened  its  hold  upon  the 
rocks  and  swam  for  the  shore,  reaching  which  it  disap- 
peared ill  the  bushes ; and  this  was  repeated  at  intervals  by 
each  of  the  seventeen  snakes.  When  they  returned  from 
the  bushes,  having  made  short  work  of  their  ‘‘catch,”  each 
snake  sought  his  own  particular  location  on  the  rocks,  there 
being  no  clashing  of  interests  there.  How,  how  is  this  for 
reason  or  instinct  ? How  do  these  snakes  know  where  to 
locate  themselves,  and  the  ])articiilar  stage  of  the  tide  at 


24 


ANIMAL  SIORIES. 


which  to  start  on  their  fishing  excursion  ? How  do  they 
know  that  a number  of  minnows  will  be  swept  over  the 
miniature  falls  made  by  the  rocks  ? These  are  questions 
that  go  beyond  my  comprehension,  and  I leave  them  for 
others  to  answer.  But  the  facts  remain,  and  any  one  who 
will  take  the  trouble  may  verify  them  at  any  time  during 
the  summer  by  a visit  to  Gravelly  Creek. 


Hunting  the  Kangaroo. 

The  kangaroo,  as  is  well  known,  is  found  only  in  Aus- 
tralia and  Tasmania.  Its  means  of  locomotion  and  defense 
are  so  peculiar,  and  its  swiftness  so  great,  that  the  chase  of 
it  is  attended  with  excitement  and  dangers  wholly  unique. 
The  following  interesting  chase  is  from  a correspondent  of 
the  San  Francisco  Chronicle  : 

At  9 o’clock  this  morning  ten  men,  including  myself, 
started  on  horseback,  with  four  dogs,  on  a chase.  All  were 
experienced  in  the  business  except  a young  Englishman 
and  myself.  We  took  no  firearms,  a large  stick  being  the 
only  weapon  to  be  used.  We  had  no  difficulty  in  finding 
the  animals.  It  was  disdained  to  avoid  such  fences  as  we 
found,  and  we  jumped  several  of  a height  of  four  to  five 
feet,  always  approaching  them  at  full  run.  We  divided 
the  party,  half  going  to  each  side  of  a partly  open  plain. 
I soon  saw  a large  kangaroo  and  two  small  ones  coming 
toward  our  party.  We  waited  until  they  were  near  enough 
to  see  us,  when  they  made  a right  angle  and  went  off  at  an 
astonishing  pace,  in  jumps  of  fifteen  to  twenty  feet  in 
longth,  going  from  eight  to  ten  feet  in  the  air  at  each  jump. 
We  “went  for”  the  big  one,  but  he  quickly  got  beyond 
our  sight,  the  three  having  already  distanced  the  dogs. 

The  kangaroo  dogs  hunt  by  sight,  like  the  grayhound. 


ANIMAL  ST0KIE6. 


25 


These  three  were  all  lost,  we  learned  as  we  met  at  the 
point  agreed  upon.  We  next  surrounded  another  large 
tract  of  forest,  plain  and  meadow,  this  time  dividing  the 
dogs.  In  a few  moments  a hundred  or  more  kangaroos 
came  bounding  toward  the  party  with  me.  The  dog  with 
me  started  for  them,  and  all  the  dogs  and  men  were  at  once 
in  pursuit.  The  kangaroos  divided  into  several  parties, 
each  dog  selecting  one  to  follow,  and  each  man  following 
some  of  the  dogs.  My  dog  went  for  a boomer,  and  I also, 
in  company  with  two  others  of  the  party.  The  boomer 
stood  up,  took  a long  look  at  us,  and  then  flew.  W e fol- 
lowed him  among  the  trees  and  branches,  jumping  logs  and 
debris  of  all  kinds,  and  across  plains  at  a fearful  rate.  The 
horses  needed  no  urging ; their  blood  was  up  now.  The 
dog  “laid  to  it,”  but  made  no  sound.  When  he  would 
get  near  the  kangaroo  the  animal  would  jump  at  right 
angles,  and  change  his  course,  while  the  dog  would  shoot 
on  a distance  before  turning. 

After  a run  of  this  kind  for  some  distance  the  kangaroo 
started  for  a swamp.  After  reaching  that,  and  going  in  a 
distance,  he  turned  his  face  toward  uS,  standing  on  his  hind 
paws  to  a height  of  seven  feet,  and  prepared  for  battle. 
The  dog  went  for  him,  and  the  fight  commenced.  The 
dog  succeeded  in  getting  hold  of  his  tail,  and  was  carried 
in  the  air  some  distance  by  repeated  jumps.  The  dog  then 
lost  his  hold,  and  was  seized  and  put  under  the  water. 
Owing  to  my  having  the  best  horse,  I was  first  to  come  to 
the  dog’s  aid.  I was  warned  by  shouts  not  to  approach 
the  animal,  but  disregarded  them  and  showed  myself  a 
good  kangaroo  hunter.  The  animal  proved  to  be  eight 
feet  long.  The  rest  of  the  party  killed  two  smaller  ones, 
and  later  in  the  day,  at  another  chase,  another  large  one 
was  killed.  The  females  do  not  fight,  but  run  so  swiftly 
that  they  are  rarely  overtaken. 


26 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


Rivalries  and  Jealousies  of  Birds. 

John  Burroughs,  under  the  head  of  “Spring  Notes,”  in 
the  Christian  JJnion^  writes  the  following  interesting 
paragraph  concerning  the  rivalries  and  jealousies  of  birds : 
“I  notice  that  during  the  mating  season  of  the  birds,  the 
rivalries  and  the  jealousies  are  not  all  confined  to  the  males. 
Indeed,  the  most  spiteful  and  furious  battles,  as  among  the 
domestic  fowls,  are  frequently  between  females.  I have 
seen  two  hen  robins  scratch  and  pull  hair  in  a manner  that 
contrasted  strongly  with  the  courtly  and  dignified  sparring 
usual  between  the  males.  The  past  March  a pair  of  blue- 
birds decided  to  set  up  housekeeping  in  the  trunk  of  an  old 
apple  tree  near  my  house.  One  day  an  unwedded  female 
appeared  and  probably  tried  to  supplant  the  lawful  wife.  I 
did  not  see  what  arts  she  used,  but  I saw  her  being  very 
roughly  handled  by  the  jealous  bride.  The  battle  continued 
nearly  all  day  about  the  orchard  and  grounds,  and  was  a 
battle  at  very  close  quarters.  The  two  birds  would  clinch 
in  the  air  or  on  a tree,  and  fall  to  the  ground  with  beaks 
and  claws  locked.  The  male  followed  them  about,  but 
whether  deprecatingly  or  encouragingly  1 could  not  tell. 
Occasionally  he  would  take  a hand  in,  but  whether  to  sepa- 
rate them  or  whether  to  fan  the  fiaraes,  I could  not  tell.  So 
far  as  1 could  see  he  was  highly  amused  and  culpably  in- 
different to  the  issue  of  the  battle.” 


A Pretty  Little  Pet. 

Several  days  ago,  says  a writer  in  the  Cincinnati  Gazette^ 
a lady  living  on  Browne  Street  heard  a bird  cry  as  if  in 
pain,  in  the  yard  outside  the  door,  and  upon  investigation 
found  a young  humming-bird  in  the  talons  of  the  family 
cat.  She  promptly  rescued  the  tiny  fellow  and  found  it  to 
be  but  little  hurt,  though  enough  to  warrant  her  taking  an 


ANIMAT,  STORIES. 


2Y 

interest  in  its  convalescence.  She  took  it  into  the  house 
and  kept  it  till  the  next  day,  when,  on  taking  it  to  the  door 
to  let  it  go,  the  bird  flew  up  into  a tree  and  refused  to  go 
further  away.  Anally  returning  to  her  hand.  Charmed  with 
the  confldeuce  displayed  by  the  pretty  creature,  the  lady 
took  it  fully  in  charge,  and  since  then  has  fed  and  cared 
for  it  as  for  any  other  pet.  The  bird  is  of  a beautiful  russet 
gold  in  color,  seems  to  know  its  benefactress,  and  has 
charmingly  coquettish  ways.  It  permits  its  mistress  to 
handle  it  without  exhibiting  fear,  and  seems  to  enjoy  being 
stroked  and  being  petted.  When  it  gets  hungry  it  makes 
a plaintive  call,  and  is  then  fed  from  a fresh  petunia,  into 
whose  depths  have  been  sprinkled  sugar  moistened  with 
water,  in  imitation  of  the  honey  that  is  the  natural  food  of 
the  bird  in  freedom.  The  bird  enjoys  its  meal  with  gusto, 
and  calls  for  about  twenty  of  them  daily.  It  is  very  sel- 
dom that  one  of  these  dainty  birds  is  caught,  and  still  more 
rarely  is  one  kept  alive,  to  say  nothing  of  becoming  a pet, 
as  is  the  case  with  the  one  spoken  of. 


A Hen’s  Curious  Hatch. 

A gentleman  of  Kaleigh,  of  unquestionable  veracity,  re- 
lates a story  whose  truth  he  asserts  to  be  above  par.  For 
some  time  past  a hen  of  his  had  been  conspicuous  by  her 
absence  from  the  premises,  and  there  were  fears  that  she 
had  been  lost.  These  fears  were  very  agreeably  dispelled, 
however,  on  Friday,  when  she  made  her  appearance,  sing 
ing  in  her  gayest  manner,  and  stepping  along  in  her  spright- 
liest  style.  Just  behind  her  were  some  diminutive  objects 
to  which  she  ever  and  anon  gave  her  undivided  attention. 
The  slowness  of  their  progress  caused  the  hen’s  owner  to 
rush  out  and  see  what  the  brood  was  this  time.  lie  was 
astonished  to  see  the  hen  cover  with  her  wings  twelve  little 


28 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


terrapins.  Soon  she  was  reassured,  and  allowed  him  to 
get  a good  look  at  her  treasures.  The  family  were  called 
out  to  see  the  wonder.  The  owner  of  the  hen  then  went 
back  the  way  she  had  come,  and  found  out  how  the  eggs 
were  hatched.  A terrapin  which  had  laid  the  eggs  had 
deserted  them,  and  the  motherly  fowl  concluded  to  sit  on 
them.  This  she  had  done,  and  the  result  was  the  twelve 
young  terrapins. 


The  Fox,  Crow  and  Rooster. 

W.  P.  Levis,  proprietor  of  the  “Gem  Cit}’”  paper-mills, 
Dayton,  O.,  has  a miniature  zoological  garden  at  his  mills 
on  East  Water  street,  and  among  the  collection  of  birds 
and  beasts,  is  a diminutive  bantam  rooster.  A few  days 
since  a tame  crow,  while  taking  a meditative  walk,  came  in 
too  close  proximity  to  a sly  old  fox  that  was  feigning  sleep 
near  his  den,  where  he  is  confined  by  a light  chain.  Rey- 
nard was  apparently  oblivious  to  all  passing  things,  but 
that  crow  has  now  learned  that  appearances  are  very  deceit- 
ful, and  so  are  foxes.  Before  the  crow  was  aware  of  the 
danger  the  fox  had  seized  it.  Then  there  was  a loud  “ caw, 
caw,”  and  afiapping  of  wings,  which  attracted  the  attention 
of  the  little  bantam  rooster.  He  took  in  the  situation  at  a 
glance,  and  at  once  rushed  to  the  rescue  of  his  feathered 
companion.  The  plucky  little  rooster  flew  into  the  face  of 
the  fox,  struck  hard  with  wing  and  spur,  and  so  worried  the 
fox  that  he  dropped  the  crow  and  gave  his  attention  to  the 
rooster,  but  his  feathered  antagonist  proved  as  agile  as  he 
is  brave,  and  so  soon  as  he  saw  the  poor  crow,  minus  a few 
feathers,  hop  oflf  safely  beyond  the  limits  of  Reynard’s 
chain,  he  concluded  the  law  of  self-preservation  was  the 
next  best  thing  in  order,  so  carried  it  into  efiect.  The 
fox  then  skulked  into  his  den. 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


29 


Apparent  Reasoning  Power  in  Animals. 

During  a recent  discussion  in  the  columns  of  Nature^  a 
large  number  of  hitherto  unrecorded  instances  of  supposed 
reasoning  in  animals  have  come  to  light,  and  these  have 
been  subjected  to  a criticism  which  in  only  a few  cases  can 
be  said  to  have  proved  wholly  destructive.  This  fate,  how- 
ever, undoubtedly  befel  the  instance  the  publication  of 
which  led  to  the  present  discussion.  On  a certain  window- 
sill, thirteen  feet  above  the  ground,  the  birds  during  the 
late  frosts  were  regularly  supplied  with  crumbs.  One  day 
a water-rat  was  found  regaling  itself  on  the  sill,  which  it 
had  reached  by  climbing  up  a wall-plant,  and,  as  it  could 
not  possibly  have  seen  the  crumbs,  the  narrator  supposed 
that  it  must  have  been  led  there  by  a process  of  reasoning 
based  on  its  observation  of  the  birds  flocking  together,  and 
the  inference  that  food  must  have  been  the  attraction. 
This,  however,  was  afterward  shown  to  be  unnecessarily 
far-fetched,  as,  looking  to  the  acute  sense  of  smell  possessed 
by  those  creatures,  the  rat  was  much  more  likely  to  have 
been  led  to  the  food  by  its  nose  than  by  any  little  reasoning 
power  it  might  possess.  The  brown  rat,  which  in  spite  of 
incessant  persecution  contrives  to  increase  and  multiply  in 
the  busiest  haunts  of  men,  aflbrds  the  next  example.  The 
water-pipes  in  several  houses  were  found  to  be  leaking,  and 
an  examination  proved  the  leakage  to  proceed  from  holes 
gnawed  in  the  lead  pipes  by  rats  for  the  purpose  of  obtain- 
ing water,  there  being  plenty  of  evidence  about  that  such 
spots  formed  their  regular  drinking  places.  The  question 
thus  arose  how  the  rats  came  to  know  that  the  lead  pipes 
contained  the  desired  fluid.  To  this  Darwin,  on  being  in- 
terrogated, replied  : “Do  not  they  liear  the  water  trick- 

ling?” If  this  be  the  correct  explanation,  it  certainly  indi- 
cates considerable  power  of  practical  reasoning  on  the  part 
Df  rats. 


30 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


Many  other  explanations  have,  however,  been  tendered, 
such  as  the  possible  cracking  of  the  pipes  through  frost, 
thus  giving  the  rat  a clue  to  the  water  within ; or  that  the 
pipes  might  have  been  gnawed,  as  they  often  are,  because 
of  their  obstructing  the  creature’s  tunneling  operations ; or 
that  the  rats  did  it  to  sharpen  their  teeth,  or  simply  be- 
cause, like  children,  they  must  do  something  to  work  off 
the  energy  within  them,  just  as  cats  enjoy  scratching  the 
legs  of  a table.  The  weightiest  of  these  were  shown  to  be 
inapplicable  in  this  instance,  so  that  the  rats  may  mean- 
while be  allowed  the  benefit  of  a reasonable  doubt.  In 
discussing  this  instance,  the  Her.  G.  Ilenslow  raised  a 
somewhat  new  issue  by  granting  that  brutes  reason,  but 
that  their  reasoning  is  always  practical,  never  abstract,  ex- 
plaining his  meaning  by  an  example.  A dog  that  had  been 
left  alone  in  a room  rang  the  bell  to  fetch  the  servant.  It 
had,  however,  been  taught  to  do  so ; had  it  rung  the  bell 
without  previous  instruction,  the  reasoning  which  led  it  to 
do  so  would  have  been  in  his  opinion  abstract ; as  it  was, 
it  was  only  practical.  Dr.  Rae,  the  famous  Arctic  traveler, 
attempts  to  supply  the  desideratum  by  recounting  an  ex- 
periment made  to  find  out  whether  a terrier  which  had 
been  taught  to  ring  the  bell  really  understood  the  purpose 
of  the  action.  It  was  told  by  its  mistress  to  ring  the  bell 
while  the  maid  was  in  the  room  ; it  looked  first  at  its  mis- 
tress, then  at  the  maid,  but  took  no  notice  whatever  of  the 
order,  although  it  was  given  more  than  once.  On  the  girl 
leaving  the  room  the  order  was  repeated,  and  at  once 
obeyed. 

This  does  not,  however,  satisfy  Mr.  Henslow,  who  thinks 
that  had  the  dog  possessed  abstract  reasoning  it  would,  on 
seeing  the  girl  in  the  room,  have  supposed  that  it  had  been 
told  to  ring  the  bell  for  some  one  else.  What  Mr.  Ilens- 
low desiderates  would  seem,  however,  to  have  been  sup- 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


31 


plied  in  the  case  of  a cat,  12  years  old,  which,  although 
never  taught  to  knock  at  the  door,  is  and  has  been  for  three 
years  past  in  the  regular  habit  of  making  use  of  a knocker 
just  within  his  reach,  as  he  stands  on  his  hind  legs,  in  order 
to  gain  admission.  He  begins  with  a single  knock,  which, 
if  not  attended  to,  is  followed  by  the  well-known  ‘‘post- 
man’s knock.”  If  this  should  prove  unsuccessful,  “trial 
is  then  made  of  a scientific  rat-tat  that  would  not  disgrace 
a West-End  footman.”  The  same  cat  has  still  further 
shown  his  appreciation  of  human  ways  by  developing  a 
fondness  for  brandy  and  water. 

The  elephant  generally  figures  in  discussions  of  this  sort, 
and  in  the  present  instance  a sinerular  example  of  its  rea- 
soning powers  is  sent  all  the  way  from  Hew  York.  In  the 
central  part  of  that  city  an  elephant  was  observed,  during 
a very  hot  day,  taking  up  great  trunkfuls  of  new-mown 
hay  and  spreading  them  over  its  back,  until  that  part  had 
been  completely  thatched.  It  then  stood  motionless,  en- 
joying the  coolness  its  own  ingenuity  had  produced.  In- 
stinct would  have  prompted  it  to  eat  the  grass ; the  utilizing 
it  for  the  purpose  of  screening  itself  from  the  sun’s  rays 
looks  altogether  like  a reasonable  act.  To  find  the  donkey 
among  the  number  of  reasoning  animals  is  probably  more 
surprising.  The  appearance,  however,  which  it  makes  in 
the  columns  of  Nature  is  highly  creditable  to  it.  A don- 
key, which,  when  not  employed  by  its  master’s  children, 
used  to  graze  in  a field  with  some  cows,  was  in  the  habit, 
when  milking-time  arrived,  of  lifting  the  field-gate  and 
holding  it  back  until  all  the  cows  had  passed  out,  when  it 
allowed  the  gate  to  swing  close  again,  and  went  home  with 
them.  This  bit  of  gallantry  and  intellect  it  owed  entirely 
to  nature’s  teaching.  As  might  have  been  expected  from 
the  greater  opportunity  man  has  of  observing  them,  from 
the  training  which  their  faculties  undergo,  and  their  exempt 


32 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


tion  from  that  struggle  for  a mere  subsistence,  which  is 
supposed  to  hinder  the  development  even  of  man’s  intel- 
lectual powers,  the  domesticated  animals  afford  most  of  the 
examples  of  animal  reasoning. 

Many  of  the  fur-bearing  animals  of  North  America,  how- 
ever, have  long  been  known  for  their  cuteness  in  circum- 
venting the  trapper,  and  Dr.  Rae  testifies  to  this  in  the 
case  of  the  arctic  foxes.  Wishing  to  capture  some  of  these 
he  tried  various  traps,  but  as  they  were  all  familiar  to  the 
foxes  they  were  of  no  use ; he  accordingly  tried  a form  of 
trap  new  to  that  country,  consisting  of  a loaded  gun  fixed 
on  a stand,  and  pointing  to  the  bait,  which  was  connected 
to  the  trigger  by  a string  thirty  yards  in  length,  and  for 
most  of  its  length  concealed  under  the  snow.  The  bait, 
on  being  seized,  caused  the  gun  to  go  off,  and  the  fox  thus 
committed  involuntary  suicide.  By  this  new  stratagem  Dr. 
Rae  secured  one  fox,  but  no  more.  The  survivors  set 
themselves  to  unravel  the  mystery,  and  that  they  succeeded 
was  soon  shown  by  the  methods  they  adopted  to  secure  the 
bait  without  losing  their  lives.  They  either  cut  the  string 
connecting  the  bait  with  the  trigger,  or,  burrowing  up  to  it 
beneath  the  snow  at  right  angles  to  the  string,  they  pulled 
it  down  beneath  the  line  of  fire.  These  are  only  a few  ex- 
amples of  the  many  which  have  lately  been  made  public, 
and  they  will  probably  suffice  to  show  that,  however  great 
may  be  the  difference  between  the  animal  mind  and  that  of 
man,  animals  are  at  least  not  destitute  of  reasoning  power. 
The  ultimate  source  of  this  difference  is  believed  by  many 
to  be  in  the  possession  by  man  of  the  faculty  of  speech,  by 
which  he  can  deal  with  abstract  ideas  too  complex  to  be 
capable  of  development  without  the  aid  of  language.  If 
this  be  so,  the  question  whether  human  intelligence  differs 
from  that  of  brutes  in  kind,  or  merely  in  degree,  “hinges 
entirely,”  as  Mr.  Romanes  expressed  it  lately  before  the 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


S3 

British  Association,  ‘‘on  the  question  whether  the  faculty 
of  speech  has  an  origin  natural  or  supernatural.” 


Music  and  Mice. 

Though  the  great  naturalist,  Linnaeus,  in  speaking  of  the 
common  mouse,  said  “delectatur  musica,”  yet  so  little  was 
it  credited,  that  Gmelin  omitted  mentioning  this  feature  in 
his  edition  of  Linnaeus’  By  sterna  Natures,  Subsequently, 
however,  the  assertion  has  been  satisfactorily  confirmed. 
Dr,  Archer,  of  Norfolk,  in  the  United  States,  says:  “On 
a rainy  evening  in  the  winter  of  1877,  as  I was  alone  in 
my  chamber,  I took  my  flute  and  commenced  playing.  In 
a few  minutes  my  attention  was  directed  to  a mouse  that  I 
saw  creeping  from  a hole,  and  advancing  to  the  chair  in 
which  I was  sitting.  I ceased  playing,  and  it  ran  precip- 
itately back  to  its  hole ; I began  again  shortly  afterward, 
and  was  much  surprised  to  see  it  reappear,  and  take  its  old 
position.  The  appearance  of  the  little  animal  was  truly 
delightful ; it  couched  itself  on  the  floor,  shut  its  eyes,  and 
appeared  in  ecstasy ; I ceased  playing,  and  it  instantly 
disappeared  again.  The  experiment  I repeated  frequently 
with  the  same  success,  observing  that  it  was  always  difier- 
ently  affected,  as  the  music  varied  from  the  slow  and  plain- 
tive, to  the  brisk  and  lively.  It  finally  went  off,  and  all 
my  art  could  not  entice  it  to  return.” 

A more  remarkable  instance  of  this  fact  appeared  in  the 
Philadelphia  Medical  and  Physical  Journal,^  in  the  year 
1817.  It  was  communicated  by  Dr.  Cramer,  of  Jefferson 
county,  on  the  credit  of  a gentleman  of  undoubted  veraci- 
ty, who  states  that  one  evening  in  the  month  of  December, 
as  a few  officers  on  board  a British  man-of-war,  in  the  har- 
bor of  Portsmouth,  were  seated  round  the  fire,  one  of  them 
began  to  play  a plaiitive  air  on  the  violin.  lie  had  scarce- 


34 


ANIMAL  STOKIES. 


ly  performed  ten  minutes,  when  a mouse,  apparently  fran- 
tic, made  its  appearance  in  the  center  of  the  floor.  The 
strange  gestures  of  the  little  animal  strongly  excited  the 
attention  of  the  ofiicers,  who,  with  one  consent,  resolved 
to  sufier  it  to  continue  its  singular  actions  unmolested.  Its 
exertions  now  appeared  to  be  greater  every  moment — it 
shook  its  liead,  leaped  about  the  table,  and  exhibited  signs 
of  the  most  ecstatic  delight.  It  was  observed  that,  in  pro- 
portion to  the  graduation  of  the  tones  to  the  soft  point,  the 
feelings  of  the  animal  appeared  to  be  increased,  and  vice 
versa.  After  performing  actions  which  an  animal  so  dimin- 
utive would  at  first  sight  seem  incapable  of,  the  little  crea- 
ture, to  the  astonishment  of  the  spectators,  suddenly 
ceased  to  move,  fell  down,  and  expired  without  evincing  any 
symptoms  of  pain. 


A Wily  Poodle. 

A blind  beggar  was  in  the  habit  of  frequenting  the  Pont 
des  Sts.  Perez,  France,  where  he  used  to  station  himself 
with  a clarinet  and  a very  intelligent  poodle.  Contribu- 
tions poured  freely  into  the  little  wooden  bowl  which  the 
dog  held  in  his  mouth.  One  day  the  blind  man,  who  had 
reached  an  advanced  age,  was  not  to  be  seen.  He  had 
fallen  ill.  His  companion,  however,  continued  to  frequent 
the  accustomed  spot,  and  the  passers-by,  to  whom  he  was- 
familiar,  understood  that  his  master  was  unwell,  and, 
touched  by  his  fidelity,  dropped  their  pence  into  his  bowl 
in  increased  numbers.  The  beggar  went  the  way  of  all 
flesh,  an  event  which  the  wily  poodle  carefully  kept  to  him- 
self until  he  also  became  an  absentee  from  the  Pont  des 
Sts.  Peres.  The  poor  animal  was  found  lying  dead  in  a. 
cellar  near  his  former  master’s  abode,  a sum  of  20,000’ 
franks  in  bonds  of  the  Orleans  Pailway  being  discovered 
under  the  litter  on  which  he  was  stretched. 


35 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 

A Fight  with  a Rattlesnake,  and  a Remedy  for  its  Bite. 

Peter  O’Neill,  who  lives  in  the  town  of  Cornwall,  seven 
miles  south  of  Newburg,  N.  Y.,  after  listening  to  several 
rattlesnake  stories  one  day,  told  the  following  : 

“But  now  I want  to  tell  you  something  maybe  you  won’t 
believe.  I’ve  heard  of  one  thing  and  another  to  cure  the 
bite  of  a rattlesnake,  but  if  you  pay  attention,  you’ll  hear 
of  a wonderful  cure  which  always  succeeded.  ’Twas  over 
thirty  years  ago,  and  the  man,  an  old  friend,  told  me  about 
it  himself.  He  lived  in  the  mountains  near  Port  Jervis. 
His  name  was  Lambert.  He  was  in  the  woods  doing 
something  one  day,  and  he  run  across  a big  rattlesnake. 
He  and  the  snake  had  a hard  fight,  and  the  old  man  was 
struck  on  the  leg  by  the  venomous  reptile.  He  killed  the 
snake,  and  then  in  some  way  got  home  while  sufiering  in- 
tense pain.  One  of  his  sons  jumped  on  a horse  and  rode 
five  miles  for  a doctor.  A few  hours  after  another  doctor 
was  sent  for,  and  the  two  of  them  could  do  him  no  good. 
There  they  stood  over  the  old  man,  who  lay  on  his  cot 
senseless  and  speechless,  and  dying  in  great  agony.  Every 
minute  they  expected  the  old  man  to  breathe  his  last.  Who 
it  was  that  spoke  of  the  cure  that  brought  him  to  life  I 
don’t  know,  but  it  was  done  at  the  last  minute,  when  all 
hope  had  gone. 

They  took  a lot  of  the  ‘touch-me-not  weed,’  that  weed, 
you  know,  that  when  you  squeeze  the  top  of  it  it  flies-  all 
over.  It  was  pounded  up  fine  in  a pan  or  kettle  that  was 
perfectly  clean,  for  if  there  was  any  grease  about  it  it  won’t 
do.  Then  it  was  boiled  in  milk  until  the  stems  began  to 
bubble  up,  when  it  was  applied.  The  old  man  lay  there 
on  one  side,  twitching  and  jerking,  and  with  every  twitch 
and  jerk  blood  would  spurt  out  of  a vein  near  liis  eye  way 
across  the  room.  The  poison  had  gone  way  up  there 


36 


ANIMAL  SIORIES. 


through  his  boaj,  and  the  sight  was  a terrible  one.  The 
preparation  was  rubbed  all  over  him  and  in  five  minutes  he 
was  relieved.  In  half  an  hour  he  began  to  talk.  In  three- 
quarters  of  an  hour  ho  was  sitting  up  in  his  cot  talking,  and 
in  an  hour  he  was  about  the  room.  He  soon  recovered, 
and  was  as  good  as  ever.  It  was  a hopeless  case,  and  the 
old  man  would  certainly  have  died  if  the  weed  had  not 
been  applied.  I know  this  remedy  to  be  a certain  cure, 
for  I’ve  had  cases  to  try  it  myself.  I never  think  of  snakes 
but  my  old  friend  Lambert  conies  into  my  mind.” 


The  Dog  and  the  Picture. 

A writer  in  Nature  says:  In  1843  a young  and  self- 

taught  artist  asked  me  to  allow  him  to  paint  my  likeness  in 
oil  colors,  and  I consented.  Ilis  studio  was  in  the  next 
town,  three  miles  distant,  and,  as  often  as  required,  I went 
over ; I,  however,  did  not  take  my  dog  with  me.  It  was 
done  in  kit-cat  size,  and  he  succeeded  so  well  in  the  like- 
ness and  artistic  work  that  when  exhibited  at  the  annual 
meeting  of  the  Polytechnic  society  at  Falmouth  a medal 
was  awarded  to  it. 

When  it  was  brought  to  my  house  my  old  dog  was  pres- 
ent with  the  family  at  the  “unveiling;”  nothing  was  said 
to  him  nor  invitation  given  him  to  notice  it.  We  saw  that 
his  gaze  was  steadily  fixed  on  it,  and  he  soon  became  ex- 
cited, and  whined,  and  tried  to  lick  and  scratch  it,  and  was 
so  much  taken  up  with  it  that  we — although  so  \vell  know- 
ing his  intelligence — were  all  quite  surprised  ; in  fact, 
could  scarcely  believe  that  he  should  know  it  was  my  like- 
ness. We,  however,  had  sufficient  proof  after  it  was  hung 
up  in  our  parlor;  the  room  was  rather  low,  and  under  the 
picture  stood  a chair ; the  door  was  left  open  without  any 
thought  about  the  dog;  he,  however,  soon  found  it  out. 


ANIMAL  STOEIES. 


37 


when  a low  whining  and  scratching  was  heam  by  the 
family,  and,  on  search  being  made,  he  was  in  the  chair 
trying  to  get  at  the  picture. 

After  this  I put  it  up  higher,  so  as  to  prevent  it  being 
injured  by  him.  This  did  not  prevent  him  from  paying 
attention  to  it,  for  whenever  I was  away  from  home,  wheth- 
er for  a short  or  long  time — sometimes  for  several  . days — 
he  spent  most  of  his  time  gazing  on  it,  and  as  it  appeared 
to  give  him  comfort,  the  door  was  always  left  open  for  him. 
When  I was  long  away,  he  made  a low  whining,  as  if  to 
draw  attention  to  it.  This  lasted  for  years,  in  fact  as  long 
as  he  lived  and  was  able  to  see  it.  I have  never  kept  a dog 
since  he  died ; in  fact  I dare  not,  his  loss  so  much  affected 
me.  I might  tell  of  many  of  his  wonderful  actions ; he 
could  do  most  of  such  things  as  are  related  of  other  dogs. 
I am  now  only  anxious  to  notice  this  recognition  of  my 
likeness,  from  never  having  heard  of  another  such  fact  be- 
ing recorded  of  any  other  dog. 


The  Wrong  Pig. 

A tame  bear  recently  had  an  immense  amount  of  fun  in 
a country  village. of  France.  Its  owner,  a strolling  show- 
man, prevailed  upon  a farmer,  whose  house  he  reached  at 
evening,  to  provide  lodgings  for  the  night,  and  the  farmer, 
in  an  accommodating  spirit,  removed  a fine  pig  from  a stall 
in  his  barn  to  make  room  for  the  bear.  In  the  middle  of 
the  night  three  men,  who  had  arranged  to  steal  the  pig,* 
broke  into  the  stall,  and  in  the  darkness  began  to  kick  the 
occupant  in  the  head,  to  arouse  its  sluggish  energies.  When 
the  farmer  and  his  guest  arrived,  the  bear  had  killed  one' 
of  the  thieves,  fatally  injured  another,  and  driven  the  other 
stark  mad  with  fear. 


38 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


How  a Deer  Lived  Over  3,000  Years. 

This  is  the  “Old  Settler’s”  story,  which  was  suggested 
by  the  death  of  Bill  Long,  a famous  hunter  of  the  Susque- 
hanna Yalley,  who  died  at  the  age  of  eighty- three.  Said 
his  friend: 

“I  never  think  o’  Bill  Long  without  havin’  to  laugh 
about  a yarn  he  told  me  oncet,  when  I was  campin’  with 
him  over  on  the  Tionesta,  long  in  ’30.  The  woods  was  jest 
a humpin’  theirselves  with  game  then.  There  was  so  many 
deer  that  the  settlers  usety  have  to  watch  their  grain  fields 
to  keep  the  deer  from  eatin’  up  their  rye  and  oats;  and  I’ve 
heerd  that  two  old  bucks  made  up  their  minds  oncet  to 
paster  on  a farmer’s  rye  out  there,  an’  jest  waltzed  inter 
two  men  that  was  watchin’  the  field,  and  made  ’em  take  to 
the  top  o’  a ches’nut  tree.  Then  the  bucks  fed  ’round  ez 
cool  ez  if  they’d  sowed  that  rye  theirselves,  and  it  wasn’t 
nobody’s  business  if  they  wanted  to  cut  it  ’fore  ’twas  ripe. 
Every  time  the  men ’d  make  a move  to  git  from  their  roost, 
one  or  t’other  o’  the  bucks  ’d  make  for  ’em  with  a blat 
that  ’d  skeer  the  fellers  out’ 11  their  wits  almost,  and  ’d 
send  ’em  back  to  the  top  o’  the  tree  like  jumpin’  jacks  on 
a stick.  The  deer  kep’  the  men  on  the  tree  durn  nigh 
half  a day,  an’  then  walked  oflf  to  the  woods  ez  innercent 
ez  lambs. 

“One  night  Bill  and  me  was  a tellin’  stories  in  the  cabin, 
an’  he  axed  me  if  I know’d  how  long  a deer  would  live, 
* purvided  him  nor  me  wan’t  a huntin’  in  the  woods  where 
the  deer  was  puttin’  up.  I said  no,  I didn’t,  and  he  said 
he  didn’t  neither.  ‘But,’  says  Bdl,  ‘I  know  a feller  that 
b’lieves  that  deer  lives  to  be  more’n  three  thousand  year 
old.’  Course  we  had  to  laugh  at  this,  and  then  Bill  tells 
me  what  made  this  feller  think  so. 

*'  ‘The  feller’s  name./  says  he,  ‘ is  Joel  Price,  and  he’s 


ANIMAL  STOEIES. 


39 


a bark-peeler  in  the  Siskjhanner.  I was  in  camp  over 
there  in  1820.  There  was  a good  many  deer,  and  the  year 
afore,  Bill  Carpenter  and  me  hung  up  more’n  a hundred. 
Bill  wasn’t  no  hunter.  He  was  alius  a losin’  suthin’  or 
other,  and  was  so  durn  nervous  in  the  woods  that  ’bout  all 
he  was  good  fur  was  to  cook  and  to  tend  to  the  camp. 
One  day  I took  him  out  to  stand  on  the  runway,  and  I 
know’d  I’d  put  a big  buck  right  down  to  him  from  the 
ridge.  But  I never  heerd  nuthin’  from  him,  and  when  I got 
back  to  camp,  behold  ye,  there  was  the  wuthless  rooster 
settin’  by  the  fire  smokin’  his  pipe,  ezif  he  hadn’t  come  out 
fur  to  do  anything  else.  I axed  him  what  he  left  the  run- 
way fur, and  whether  he  got  a shot.  He  said  he’d  lost  his 
ramrod,  and  couldn’t  do  nothin’,  so  he  came  in.  Well,  the 
next  year,  ez  I said  afore,  I camped  in  the  same  woods. 
Every  night,  most,  some  o’  the  bark-peelers ’d  come  to  my 
cabin  to  hear  me  tell  huntin’  stories. 

“ ‘Well,  this  Joel  Price  come  to  my  cabin  every  night. 
He  was  one  o’  these  arguin’  fellers  that  knows  everything 
and  don’t  know  nothin’  after  all.  He  was  great  on  gettin’ 
relics,  and  takin’  ’bout  ancient  hist’ry.  He  talked  by  the 
yard  ’bout  old  Nimrod,  and  how  he  hunted,  and  said  he 
b’lieved  the  hunters  o’  that  time  know’d  ’bout  guns  and 
powder.  One  day  he  wanted  to  stand  on  a runway,  and  I 
took  him  out.  I druv  a buck  right  to  him,  and  I heerd 
him  shoot.  I went  over  to  where  he  was  to  see  what  he’d 
done.  When  I got  there  I saw  he  was  as  white  as  a sheet, 
and  was  a hoppin’  up  and  down  by  the  side  o’  a thunderin’ 
big  buck  he  had  knocked  dead  in  his  tracks  by  some  acci- 
dent or  other.  When  he  saw  me  he  more’n  hollered.  He 
had  a ramrod  in  his  hand. 

“ ‘ Great  hemlock,  he  hollered.  I’ve  killed  the  father  o' 
all  deer,  Bill!  Here’s  an  animal  that  they  ain’t  no  doubt 
was  hunted  by  the  hunters  that  lived  more’n  three  thousand 


40 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


years  ago.  This  ramrod  was  in  his  hide.  See  what  it  says.^ 

“I took  the  ramrod.  On  one  side,  near  the  big  end, 
was  cut  the  letters,  B.  C.,  1819. 

“ ‘B.  C.,  1819!’  hollered  Joel.  ‘More’n  three  thousand 
years  ago!  Mebbe  ole  Nimrod  hisself  sent  that  inter  this 
yer  buck!’ 

“‘I  know’d  now  how  Bill  Carpenter  had  lost  his  ram- 
rod the  year  before.  He’d  been  loadin’  when  he  heerd 
the  deer  a-comin’,  and  got  so  nervous  that  he  forget  to 
take  the  ramrod  out,  and  had  fired  it  at  the  buck.  It 
plugged  inter  the  buck  under  the  skin,  which  had  healed 
up.  Bill  alius  cut  his  ’nitials  on  every  thing  he  had,  and 
the  year  he  done  it  in.  This  buck  was  the  same  one  he 
had  shot  at.  I told  Joel  how  it  was,  but  the  durn  fool 
wouldn’t  have  it,  and  he  b’lieves  to  this  day  that  a deer  ’ll 
live  to  be  more’n  3,000  year  old  if  you  leave  it  alone.’  ” 

The  Old  Mastiff’s  Revenge. 

The  mastifi*  in  question  was  old  and  toothless,  but  had 
been  a good  fighting  dog  in  his  day,  and  still  loved  a fight. 
He  was  dozing  on  his  master’s  front  porch  one  day  when 
he  saw  a vigorous,  saucy-looking  yellow  dog  prowling  about 
outside  of  the  gate.  The  venerable  mastifi*  made  a sortie, 
as  it  were,  and  after  several  minutes’  fighting  got  badly 
licked.  He  was  too  old  and  feeble,  and  had  evidently  lost 
his  grip.  Defeated,  he  skipped  off  to  the  backyard  of  his 
master’s  next  door  neighbor,  who  had  a fine  large  dog  in 
the  fighting  prime  of  his  existence.  A brief  conversation 
was  held  in  dog,  and  the  neighboring  dog  accompanied  the 
aged  mastiff  to  the  street.  That  big  country  dog  was  look- 
ing around  for  another  old  dog  to  whip,  and  the  mastiff’s 
healthy  neighbor  just  went  for  him.  The  defeated  yellow 
dog  seemed  pretty  soon  to  have  important  business  in  the 
rural  districts,  judging  by  the  way  he  scooted  out  of  town. 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


41 


Battling  with  Lions. 

Mr.  F.  Falkner  Carter,  in  charge  of  the  elephants  at- 
tached to  the  Koyal  Belgian  expedition  into  Africa,  gives 
the  following  exciting  account  of  a sudden  encounter  which 
he  had  with  lions  at  Kerima,  Central  Africa,  at  which  place 
he  and  his  caravan  of  one  hundred  and  eighty  men  had 
arrived.  In  a letter  received  from  him  by  the  last  mail, 
dated  from  that  station,  he  mentions  the  difficulties  he  had 
experienced  in  procuring  animal  food  for  his  men.  “Our 
only  food,”  he  says,  “consists  of  Indian  corn,  pounded  be- 
tween two  stones,  with  a good  share  of  sand,  and  only  salt 
with  it.  It  is  well  to  have  even  this,  but  still,  men  accus- 
tomed all  their  lives  to  good  animal  food  cannot  live  on 
such  poor  fare,  and  so  I go  out  every  second  or  third  day 
with  my  gun  and  kill  a zebra,  eland,  water-buck,  etc.  One 
of  any  of  these  enables  us  to  live  in  clover  for  a single  day. 
A recent  expedition  of  this  kind,  however,  nearly  cost  me 
my  life.  I felt  that  I must  go  in  search  of  food,  as  there 
was  not  at  the  time  a morsel  in  our  camp,  and  so  forth  I 
sallied.  My  first  shot  was  at  a giraffe,  into  whom  I put 
two  bullets,  and  then  followed  him  over  hill  and  dale  until 
Aoon,  when  heat,  thirst,  and  want  of  food  obliged  me  to 
give  up  the  chase.  After  smoking  a pipe  and  taking  some 
rest,  I was  off  again ; got  a shot  at  a zebra,  but  missed 
him.  The  zebra,  I should  mention,  is  the  best  meat  in 
Africa.  Rather  disheartened,  and  grieving  for  the  poor 
hollow-eyed  fellows  I should  meet  on  my  return,  for  whom 
I had  nothing  in  the  shape  of  food,  I turned  toward  camp, 
and  just  at  3:30  P.  M.  a fine  boar  dashed  past  me.  I sent 
a bullet  through  him  at  once,  but  on  he  went.  I knew, 
however,  we  should  find  him  dead  a few  hundred  yards 
ahead,  by  the  quantity  of  blood  in  the  long  grass;  so  I 
followed,  but  just  then  sighted  three  zebras — so  dropped 
piggie’s  trail  and  went  off  to  try  and  stalk  the  zebras.  In 


42 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


about  ten  minutes  after  I heard  a fearful  row,  and  my  two 
gun-bearers  said  it  was  a rhinoceros.  I laid  hold  of  my 
No.  10  bore,  handing  my  ‘express’  to  my  bearer,  telling 
him  and  the  man  carrying  the  smooth-bore  to  keep  close  to 
me.  I glided  silently  through  the  grass,  over  six  feet  high, 
until  close  to  the  spot ; then  I knew  that  if  it  were  a rhinoc- 
eros that  he  was  lying  down,  as  I could  not  see  a sign  of 
him,  so  I decided  it  must  be  two  wild  boars  fighting.  Some- 
thing told  me  they  could  not  make  such  a horrible  noise, 
which  actually  seemed  to  shake  the  ground  and  rend  the 
very  air  around  me.  Strange  to  say,  it  never  struck  me 
that  the  noise  might  have  proceeded  from  lions,  although 
the  place  is  full  of  them,  so  I advanced  boldly,  dividing  the 
grass  with  my  rifle.  I then  discovered  three  lions  devour- 
ing the  pig  I had  shot,  and  in  that  short  time  had  finished 
half  of  it.  The  two  nearest  were  within  two  feet  of  me, 
and  the  furthest  three  and  a half  feet.  The  brutes’  beards, 
chests  and  claws  were  covered  with  blood.  Though  startled 
at  first,  I was  perfectly  cool,  and  yet  felt  perfectly  certain 
that  I must  be  killed,  as  even  a tame  lion  is  savage  when 
eating  his  food.  The  lion  opposite  caught  sight  of  me  at 
once,  curled  his  lips,  lashed  his  sides  with  his  tail,  but  what 
the  others  were  doing  I cannot  say,  as  my  friend  was  in  the 
act  of  springing,  and  I dare  not  take  my  eye  off  him  for  a 
second.  At  last  he  crouched  for  the  spring,  and  I let  drive 
in  his  face,  retreating  a step  to  give  me  a chance  with  the 
other  barrel  at  one  of  the  remaining  two,  determined  to  sell 
my  life  dearly,  but  to  my  great  delight  these  two  sprang 
over  the  grass  in  opposite  directions.  I gave  a sort  of  sigh 
of  relief,  looked  around  for  my  gun-bearers,  and  there  they 
were,  fifty  yards  off,  trembling  with  fear  and  blue  with 
fright.  The  rascals  had  run  away,  and  I had  no  gun  to  fall 
back  upon.  ' I returned  to  pick  up  my  dead  lion.” 


ANIMAL  STOEIES. 


43 


■lifrr  ■■ 


A Novel  Use  for  the  Cat. 

So  engrossing  is  the  partiality  of  the  domestic  cat  for  its 
home — so  vehement  its  yearning  to  return  thither  when 
circumstances  over  which  it  has  no  control  have  resulted  in 
its  transfer  to  unfamiliar  localities — that  certain  Dutch  nat- 
uralists have  come  to  the  conclusion  that  Grimalkin  may  be 
utilized  as  a letter-carrier  with  considerable  advantage  to 
public  interests.  These  worthies  propose  to  organize  a ser- 
vice of  post-cats,  and  are  at  present  engaged,  by  a series 
of  ingenious  experiments,  in  testing  pussy’s  capabilities  for 
delivering  the  mails.  Selecting  Luik  for  their  headquar- 
ters, they  thence  dispatch  a number  of  cats,  securely  tied 
up  in  woolen  bags,  to  the  neighboring  villages,  where  they 
are  freed  from  confinement  and  turned  loose,  with  neat 
packages  of  letters  firmly  strapped  to  their  backs.  At  once 
their  domestic  instincts  come  into  full  play,  and  they  swift- 
ly fiee  homeward  with  answering  directness.  Of  thirty- 
seven  cats,  thus  constrained  to  serve  their  country,  not  one 
has  hitherto  failed  to  fulfill  its  postal  function  with  excel- 
lent punctuality. 

It  is  feared,  however,  that  when  a double  service  shall 
be  arranged,  difiiculties  and  delays  may  arise  from  the 
meeting  of  post-cats  on  the  high  road.  If  the  feline  post- 
man can  be  inspired  with  a high  sense  of  duty,  overriding 
personal  impulse,  all  will  be  well.  Failing  in  this,  we  ap- 
prehend that  irrrgularities  in  delivery  will  take  place. 


A Boy’s  Fight  with  a Panther. 

Two  little  boys — the  oldest  fourteen — followed  a dog  to 
a big  tree,  up  which  a panther  had  gone  about  sixty-five 
feet.  When  the  eldest  lad  saw  the  animal  crouched  and 
glaring  above,  he  felt  that  it  was  either  to  be  a dead  pan- 


44 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


ther  or  a death-struggle  between  it  and  himself  and  little 
brother.  He  was  a good  shot  generally,  but  here  was  to 
be  the  severest  test  his  young  eye  aud  nerves  had  ever 
been  put  to,  and  one  that  might  well  have  tried  an  older 
and  stouter  hunter.  He  drew  the  bead  and  fired,  feeling 
as  he  did  so,  he  says,  as  if  he  had  been  lifted  clear  off  his 
feet.  But  there  was  the  hungry  brute  yet,  crouching  on 
the  limb,  its  eyes  fairly  fit  to  burst  in  their  malignant  glare. 
Bang  went  the  gun  of  our  brave  young  hunter,  just  as  the 
panther  sprang.  It  seemed,  said  the  lad,  as  though  the 
animal  sprang  out  from  the  tree  about  twenty-five  feet,  then 
came  straight  down,  lighting  on  the  dog,  about  sixteen  feet 
from  the  boys.  The  young  hunter  again  thought  he  had 
missed.  Clubbing  his  gun,  he  advanced  on  the  brute  to 
strike  it,  but  it  rolled  over  dead  before  he  could  do  so. 
Examination  proved  that  his  first  shot  had  struck  about 
four  inches  back  of  the  heart,  the  last  one  in  the  heart. 
It  was  bravely  and  well  done,  and,  but  for  the  steady  nerve 
and  true  aim  of  the  lad,  he  and  his  little  brother  would 
doubtless  have  fallen  victims  to  the  animal’s  ravenous  hun- 
ger. 


His  First  Tiger. 

Mr.  Hornaday,  the  Rochester  naturalist,  gives  the  follow- 
ing description  of  his  first  shot  at  a tiger  in  the  wilds  of 
India : 

“After  tracking  the  beast  for  half  a mile,  I looked  through 
the  clump  of  bamboos,  and  sure  enough  there  was  Old 
Stripes  in  all  his  glory,  and  only  thirty  yards  away.  The 
sun  happened  to  be  shining  full  upon  him,  and  he  was 
simply  gorgeous  to  behold.  He  looked  perfectly  immense. 
I was  determined  to  have  a shot  at  him,  hit  or  miss.  When 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


45 


I first  sighted  him  he  was  walking  across  the  bed  of  the 
stream,  going  from  us.  I raised  mj  rifie  and  waited.  He 
reached  the  other  bank,  snuffed  it  a moment,  and  then 
turned  and  paced  back.  Just  as  he  got  to  the  middle  of 
the  stream  he  stopped  short,  raised  his  head  and  looked 
full  at  us.  It  was  then  or  never.  Taking  a very  steady, 
careful  aim  at  his  left  eye,  I fired,  and  without  stopping  to 
see  the  effect  of  my  shot,  proceeded  to  reload  with  all 
haste.  In  fact,  I fully  expected  to  see  the  great  brute  come 
bounding  round  that  clump  of  bamboos  and  upon  one  of 
us,  but  I thought  it  might  not  be  us  he  would  attack,  and 
while  he  would  be  clawing  the  scalp  off  one  of  my  men  I 
could  send  a ball  into  his  brain.  I expected  that  my  men 
would  bolt  as  soon  as  they  saw  me  getting  ready  to  fire.  I 
should  have  done  so  had  I been  in  their  place,  but  they 
.stood  at  my  elbow  like  brave  men,  although  totally  un- 
armed. When  I had  reloaded  I looked  again  for  Mr. 
Stripes,  and,  sure  enough,  he  was  there.  He  was  turning 
round  and  round  where  he  stood,  with  his  head  bent  round 
to  the  left,  as  though  there  was  something  the  matter  with 
his  left  eye.  I waited  until  his  neck  was  fairly  presented, 
then  fired  again,  aiming  to  hit  the  neck  low.  He  instantly 
dropped.  I reloaded,  waited  a moment  to  see  if  he  was 
going  to  get  up,  then,  with  rifie  at  full-cock,  and  with  the 
tiger  carefully  covered,  we  advanced  slowly  and  respect- 
fully. He  was  done  for,  and  lay  there  kicking  and  foam- 
ing at  the  mouth,  but  soon  became  motionless,  and  I tried 
to  realize  that  my  first  tiger  jay  dead  at  my  feet.  I tell  you, 
you  will  never  be  able  to  fully  realize  the  immense  propor- 
tions of  a full-grown  tiger  until  one  springs  upon  3^011  in  the 
jungle,  or  else  lies  dead  at  your  feet.  Up  to  that  time  I 
had  had  terrible  doubts  about  a tiger  being  able  to  ])ick  up 
a man  in  his  mouth  and  run  away  with  him  as  a fox  does 
with  a goose,  but  when  I measured  the  great  brute  I under- 


46 


ANIMA.L  STORIES. 


stood  how  it  was  done.  Just  fancy  a striped  tomcat  9 feet 
inches  in  length,  3 feet  7 inches  high  at  the  shoulders, 
3 feet  around  the  jaws,  with  teeth  and  claws  to  match, 
weighing  495  pounds,  and  you  will  have  an  idea  of  the 
size  of  that  tiger.” 


A Cat’s  Sorrow  and  Gratitude. 

It  was  apparent  that  it  was  either  a cat  or  a dog,  and  an 
effort  was  made  to  frighten  it  away  from  the  shadow  so 
that  curiosity  might  be  satisfied ; but  it  refused  to  move 
until  actually  driven,  and  then  only  a foot  or  two  with  great 
reluctance.  This  was  sufficient,  however,  and  the  ques- 
tion was  settled.  It  was  a cat,  but  why  did  it  seem  loath 
to  retreat? 

By  stooping  close  to  the  ground  the  dead  body  of  a gray 
kitten  about  half-grown  was  discovered.  The  cat,  which 
had  been  driven  away,  seemed  alarmed  by  the  investigation, 
and  uttered  several  half-plaintive  and  defiant  cries.  The 
gentleman  says  that  he  then  walked  several  steps  toward 
the  south  and  stopped  to  see  what  the  old  cat  was  going  to 
do.  She  immediately  returned  to  the  dead  body,  and  after 
walking  around  it  for  some  time,  she  suddenly  raised  her 
head  and  gave  another  cry. 

This  seemed  to  have  been  caused  by  another  intruder, 
and  by  following  the  direction  of  the  cat’s  eyes  it  was  seen 
that  another  cat  was  the  cause  of  the  distress.  The  latter 
animal  was  hidden  in  a cellar  door,  with  the  exception  of 
its  head.  The  light  fell  upon  it,  and  there  was  something 
interrogatory  about  the  face.  This  cat’s  object  seemed  to 
be  to  learn  what  the  other  was  doing,  whilst  the  guardian 
of  the  dead  seemed  to  misunderstand  the  cause  of  the  in- 
trusion. 

A well-aimed  brickbat  started  the  inquisitive  cat  on  a 


ANIMAL  STOEIES. 


47 


double  quick,  which  doubtless  carried  him  out  of  the  neigh- 
borhood. Immediately  after  his  departure,  the  mourning 
mother  came  away  from  the  little  corpse  and  rubbed  herself 
against  the  legs  of  him  who  had  routed  her  enemy.  She 
also  looked  up  into  his  face  and  mewed  as  if  to  ask  pardon 
for  her  former  unkindness  and  to  give  him  to  understand 
the  true  condition  of  her  feline  heart.  Having  received  a 
little  kindness  in  return,  she  resumed  her  lonely  watch  be- 
side the  dead. 


Sagacity  of  the  Canine. 

“I  once  witnessed,”  says  the  Ettrick  Shepherd,  “a  very 
singular  feat  performed  by  a dog  belonging  to  John  Gra- 
ham, late  tenant  in  Ashiesteel.  A neighbor  came  to  his 
house  after  it  was  dark,  and  told  him  that  he  lost  a sheep 
on  his  farm,  and  that  if  he  (Graham)  did  not  secure  her  in 
the  morning  early,  she  would  be  lost,  as  he  had  brought 
her  far.  John  said  he  could  not  possibly  get  to  the  hill 
next  morning,  but  if  he  would  take  him  to  the  very  spot 
where  he  lost  the  sheep,  perhaps  his  dog  Chieftain  would 
find  her  that  night.  On  that  they  went  away  with  all  ex- 
pedition, lest  the  traces  of  the  feet  should  cool ; and  I,  then 
a boy,  being  in  the  house,  went  with  them.  The  night 
was  pitch  dark,  which  had  been  the  cause  of  the  man 
losing  his  ewe,  and  at  length  he  pointed  out  a place  to  John 
by  the  side  of  the  water  where  he  had  lost  her.  ‘Chief 
tain,  fetch  that,’  said  John;  ‘bring  her  back,  sir.’  The 
dog  jumped  around  and  around,  and  reared  himself  upon 
an  end ; but  not  being  able  to  see  any  tiling,  evidently  mis- 
apprehended his  master,  on  which  John  fell  to  scolding  his 
dog,  calling  it  a great  many  hard  names.  He  at  last  told 
the  man  that  he  must  point  out  the  very  track  that  the  sheep 
went,  otherwise  he  had  no  chance  of  recovering  it.  The 


48 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


man  led  him  to  a gray  stone,  and  said  he  was  sure  she  took 
the  brae  (hill  side)  within  a yard  of  that.  ‘Chieftain,  come 
hitherto  my  foot,  you  great  numb’d  whelp,’  said  John. 
Chieftain  came.  John  pointed  with  his  finger  to  the  ground : 
‘Fetch  that,  I say — bring  that  back,  away!’  The  dog 
scented  slowly  about  on  the  ground  for  some  seconds,  but 
soon  began  to  mend  his  pace,  and  vanished  in  the  dark- 
ness. ‘Bring  her  back — away,  you  great  calf!’  vociferated 
John,  with  a voice  of  exultation,  as  the  dog  broke  to  the 
hill ; and,  as  all  these  good  dogs  perform  their  work  in  per- 
fect silence,  we  neither  saw  nor  heard  any  more  of  him  for 
a long  time.  I think,  if  I remember  right,  we  waited  there 
about  half  an  hour,  during  which  time  all  the  conversation 
was  about  the  small  chance  which  the  dog  had  to  find  the 
ewe,  for  it  was  agreed  on  all  hands  that  she  must  long  ago 
have  mixed  with  the  rest  of  the  sheep  on  the  farm.  IIow 
that  was,  no  man  will  ever  be  able  to  decide.  John,  how- 
ever, still  persisted  in  waiting  until  his  dog  came  back, 
either  with  the  ewe  or  without  her ; and  at  last  the  trusty 
animal  brought  the  individual  lost  sheep  to  our  very  feet, 
which  the  man  took  on  his  back,  and  went  on  his  way  re- 
joicing.” 


An  Odd  Fish. 

In  the  waters  of  British  North  America,  as  we  are  in- 
formed, there  is  a fish,  an  odd  fish,  as  surprising  in  its  way 
as  the  sea  serpent,  and  infinitely  more  useful.  It  is  a spe- 
cies of  smelt,  and  may  be  poetically  described  as  an  aquatic 
glow-worm.  We  are  told  it  may  be  literally  used  in  the 
same  way  as  a candle,  by  simply  setting  a light  to  the  tail, 
when  it  will  burn  with  a fiame  as  steady  as  that  of  the 
‘dips’  which  our  grandfathers  used  to  have  to  put  up  with 
before  gas  was  invented.  It  is  a small,  silvery  fish,  aver- 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


49 


aging  about  fourteen  inches  long,  is  excessively  fat,  and 
affords  an  excellent  and  valuable  oil,  which  is  so  inffamma- 
ble  that  the  dried  carcass  will  serve  as  a torch.  Among  the 
natives  the  fish  is  known  as  the  colahan,  and  by  them,  as 
by  others  who  have  tasted  it,  is  considered  one  of  the  most 
delicious  products  of  the  sea,  being  far  more  delicate  in 
fiavor  than  the  herring.  The  fish  are  caught  in  wicker 
baskets,  and  are  smoked  as  much  as  their  oily  nature  will 
allow. 


Capturing  Orangs  in  Borneo. 

Mr.  W.  H.  Hornaday,  a celebrated  traveler,  describes 
one  of  his  orang  hunts  as  follows : 

“I  got  one  orang  alive  during  my  stay  in  Borneo.  He 
was  a young  one — not  larger  than  an  8 or  10  year-old  boy. 
"When  we  discovered  him  he  was  in  a tree  which  stood  out 
alone  by  itself.  The  darkies  cut  the  tree  down,  and  there 
he  was.  We  had  forked  sticks  all  ready  for  - him,  and  we 
put  one  of  these  over  liis  neck,  thus  pinning  him  down  to 
the  ground.  I would  rather  have  put  my  hand  against  a 
buzz-saw  than  into  his  mouth.  He  was  as  mad  as  a tiger, 
and  he  took  no  pains  to  conceal  his  ferocity.  On  the  con- 
trary, he  displayed  it  to  the  very  best  advantage.  After 
we  had  secured  him  safely,  we  tantalized  him  just  to  see 
how  far  he  would  go  in  his  anger.  He  actually  became  so 
enraged  that  he  took  one  of  his  own  fingers  between  his 
teeth  and  bit  it  through  to  the  solid  bone  ! 

Then,  when  we  got  him  into  the  boat,  he  managed  to 
get  hold  of  one  of  the  fingers  of  his  dead  mother,  lying  be- 
side him,  and  bit  tliat  quite  as  fiercely  as  he  had  his  own. 
I tied  a rope  around  his  neck  and  took  him  to  headquarters. 
There  I assigned  him  to  a bath-room,  where  ho  could  have 
everything  his  own  way.  But  ho  was  surly,  and  wouldn’t 


50 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


eat  much  of  anythiug,  though  I did  my  level  best  to  keep 
liim  supplied  with  the  delicacies  of  the  season,  and  especially 
with  boiled  rice,  which  is  deemed  good  for  the  orangoutang 
when  in  captivity.  But  he  only  hung  upon  the  rafters  with 
those  long  arms  of  his,  and  wouldn’t  eat,  except  when  he 
tried  to  eat  me.  I couldn’t  induce  him  to  become  an  ad- 
mirer of  mine,  and  he  pined  away,  as  orangoutangs  always 
do  in  captivity.  Their  disposition  seems  to  be  such  that 
they  prefer  death  to  bondage,  and  this  is  probably  the  rea- 
son they  are  so  seldom  seen  even  in  the  best  of  menageries. 
One  night  we  heard  a heavy  thud  in  the  bath-room,  and 
when  we  went  in  to  see  what  was  the  matter,  there  lay  the 
little  mias,  whose  own  obstinacy  had  been  the  death  of  him.’ ^ 

Extraordinary  Affection. 

The  mutual  love  of  a rooster  and  a dog  in  Avon  is  re- 
corded by  The  Rochester  Union  as  follows : The  rooster 
is  known  by  the  name  of  “Dick,”  to  which  he  responds 
very  readily  when  called  by  his  owner.  The  dog’s  name 
is  “Sandy.”  He  is  a mongrel  with  considerable  of  the 
terrier  in  him,  and  endowed  with  more  than  usual  intelli- 
gence. It  seems  that  when  the  rooster  “Dick”  was  a very 
young  chicken  he  took  to  the  dog  “Sandy,”  who  returned 
the  affection  warmly,  and  cared  for  the  little  fowl  with  all 
the  tenderness  possible.  When  the  dog  went  to  sleep  at 
night,  “Dick”  would  snug  up  to  him,  and  thus  obtain  the 
warmth  of  his  body.  Since  then  they  have  been  constant 
associates  and  pla3'mates,  the  rooster  not  seeming  to  care 
a particle  for  the  company  of  other  roosters  or  hens,  while 
the  dog  preferred  to  play  with  “ Dick”  rather  than  with 
animals  of  his  own  kind.  “Sandy”  allows  “Dick”  to 
perch  on  his  back,  while  he  lays  stretched  between  two 
chairs,  and  the  rooster  succeeds  in  sticking  on  while  the 
dog  leaps  from  one  chair  to  another. 


ANIMAL  STOKIES. 


51 


Hounds  Outrun  by  a Hare. 

The  London  Telegrajph  says : It  has  often  been  debated 
whether  the  fleetness  and  stoutness  of  a good  hare  are 
greater  than  those  of  a flrst-class  greyhound.  The  best 
hares  in  England  are  said  to  be  those  on  the  wolds  of  the 
East  Kiding  of  Yorkshire,  and  here  it  was  that  the  cele- 
brated Maj.  Topham,  of  Wold  cottage,  near  Malton,  loved 
to  maintain  that  he  could  find  a hare  any  morning  capable 
of  showing  her  heels  to  the  best  pair  of  greyhounds  that 
were  ever  slipped,  even  though  his  own  champion  dog, 
Snowball,  were  in  the  leash.  Not  long  before  Maj.  Top- 
ham’s  death,  in  1820,  a boastful  lover  of  the  leash  came  to 
Malton  to  pass  a few  days  with  the  owner  of  Wold  cottage. 
The  visitor  talked  loudly  of  the  marvelous  superiority  of 
two  greyhounds  which  he  had  brought  with  him,  and  when 
Maj.  Topham  expressed  his  opinion  that  on  the  morrow  he 
would  find  a hare  which  his  friend’s  greyhounds  could  not 
touch,  a bet  of  20  guineas  to  1 was  laid  by  the  backer  of 
the  dogs  against  a hare  whose  form  was  well  known  to  the 
major,  seeing  that  he  had  often  slipped  Snowball  in  pursuit 
of  her,  and  always  without  success.  On  the  morrow  the 
hare  was  found  in  her  usual  seat  in  a fallow  field,  and  away 
she  went,  keeping  to  the  top  of  the  ridge,  while  the  two 
dogs  in  pursuit  ran  in  the  furrows,  one  to  the  right  and  the 
other  to  the  left  of  the  ridge,  along  which  the  quarry  held 
her  flying  course.  At  first  it  seemed  that  the  dogs  were 
gaining  upon  her,  since  the  hare  is  the  most  cunning  of  all 
animals  which  trust  to  their  speed  for  safety.  Shortly,  she 
ran  through  a hedge  which  bounded  the  fallow  field,  and 
which  the  two  dogs  flew  in  their  stride.  But  having  left 
the  hedge  behind  her,  the  hare  knew  well  that  the  moment 
had  arrived  for  putting  on  the  speed.  A broad  down,  with 
crisp  grass,  and  sloping  gently  upward  for  three  miles,  was 
before  her,  and  here  it  was  that  upon  many  previous  occa- 


52 


ANIMAL  SI  OKIES. 


sions  she  haa  left  Maj.  Topliam’s  best  dogs  lar  in  the  lurch. 
Carefully  watching  her  pursuers,  she  then  began  to  increase 
her  speed,  and  before  a mile  was  traversed  the  two  dogs 
were  beaten  off  two  hundred  yards.  As  it  is  the  peculiar- 
ity of  greyhounds,  or  gazehounds,  that  they  abandon  the 
pursuit  when  they  can  no  longer  see  the  animal  they  are 
chasing,  Maj.  Topham  was  inexpressibly  entertained  when 
his  friend’s  dogs  were  observed  to  stop  and  raise  themselves 
on  their  long  hind-legs,  as  is  their  fashion  when  unsighted. 
When  the  major  and  the  friend  came  up  with  them,  they 
were  standing  with  their  tongues  out  and  looking  at  each 
other,  while  the  flying  hare  was  at  the  top  of  the  hill.  Not 
long  afterward  she  was  shot  by  a neighbor  from  behind  a 
hedge,  to  the  great  mortification  of  the  major,  who  vowed 
that  no  dog  that  was  ever  born  could  live  with  her  upon  the 
Yorkshire  wolds.  She  was  carefully  weighed  after  death, 
and  was  found  to  weigh  ten  and  a half  pounds.  Such  was 
her  fame  that  a well-known  sporting  writer  of  the  past,  who, 
under  the  nomde  plume  of  Martingale,  was  a constant  con- 
tributor some  forty  years  since  to  The  Doncaster  Gazette,, 
openly  avowed  his  belief  that,  “on  a comparison  of  the 
speed  of  the  hare  with  that  of  the  greyhound,  the  fleetest 
hare  will  defeat  the  fleetest  dog.” 


Saw  the  Elephant  and  Died. 

That  there  is  a limit  to  elephantine  endurance  was  proved 
long  ago  by  the  dismal  drenching  administered  to  a certain 
tailor  of  Delhi,  whose  excessive  hardiness  with  the  needle 
prompted  him  to  offer  gratuitous  and  unprovoked  insult  to 
a huge  pachyderm  which  obtruded  the  tip  of  its  trunk  upon 
his  notice  as  he  sat  in  his  shop-window.  A still  more  ter- 
rible reprisal  than  this  has  recently  been  exercised  by  a 
vexed  elephant  upon  an  imprudent  person  who' trifled  with 


ANIMAL  STOEIES. 


53 


the  colossal  beast's  appetite  until  he  provoked  it  to  un- 
governable fury.  The  elephant  in  question  constituted  the 
“great  attraction”  of  a traveling  menagerie  that  arrived 
in  Amsterdam  and  was  permitted  to  camp  out  in  one  of  the 
public  gardens  there.  An  old  gentleman,  inspired  by  the 
elephant’s  amiable  expression  of  countenance,  with  the  con- 
viction that  “Maharajah”  would  stand  any  amount  of 
teasing,  proceeded  to  offer  a tempting  lump  of  bread  to  the 
animal,  deftly  withdrawing  it,  however,  beyond  the  reach 
of  Maharajah’s  trunk  each  time  that  receptacle  was  thrust 
forth  to  grasp  it.  This  jocular  performance  having  been 
repeated  several  times,  the  elephant  suddenly  stepped  for- 
ward close  to  the  side  of  the  railing,  seized  his  tormentor’s 
body  in  his  trunk,  lifted  him  clean  over  the  barrier  inter- 
posing between  them,  and  hurled  him  to  the  ground. 
Having  got  his  enemy  down.  Maharajah  trod  upon  him 
with  such  vindictive  vehemence  that,  when  the  “much  too 
merry”  old  gentleman  was  finally  got  out  of  the  enclosure, 
he  wa.s  dead. 


Poisonous  Fishes. 

Poisonous  fishes  are  often  alluded  to  in  ancient  works, 
and  it  is  but  due  to  their  authors  to  say  that  their  state- 
ments have  been  fully  confirmed  by  subsequent  inquiry 
into  results.  There  is  no  doubt  that  congers,  pike,  and 
barbel  have  been  long,  and  still  are,  recognized  in  Europe 
as  poisonous  at  ceHain  seasons,  and  the  roe  of  the  barbel 
especially  so. 

The  symptoms  usually  observed  in  cases  of  poisoning  of 
this  kind  are  nausea,  colic,  great  heat  and  itching  of  the 
skin,  quick  pulse,  giddiness,  loss  of  vision,  cold  clammy 
perspiration,  and  finally  death  under  convulsions.  The 
exact  nature  of  the  poison  has  yet  been  but  little  ascer- 


64 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


tained.  It  has  been  ascribed  bj  some  to  the  feeding  of  the 
fish  on  poisonous  mollusca,  by  some  to  the  disengagement 
of  sulphuretted  hydrogen,  and  by  others  again  to  a par- 
ticular specific  venom  not  yet  discovered  by  chemical  anal- 
ysis. Whether  the  fish  possesses  that  poisonous  quality  at 
all  seasons  is  not  sufiiciently  known ; but  it  seems  that 
most  species  belonging  to  the  tribe  are  equally  noxious,  for 
P.  Osbeck,  in  his  “ Voyage  to  China  and  the  East  Indies,” 
gives  the  following  startling  account  of  the  Tetraodon 
ocelatus  of  Linnaeus:  “This  fish  is  one  of  the  finest  I ever 

saw,  but  so  poisonous  that  whoever  eats  of  it  generally 
dies  in  two  hours  time.  The  Chinese  who  affirmed  the 
fact,  seeing  me  take  the  fish  into  my  hands,  earnestly  de- 
sired me  to  wash  myself,  adding  that  it  is  forbidden  under 
some  great  penalty  to  be  sold  among  other  fish.” 

Dr.  Stuart  Eldridge  states  that  the  salmon  is  doubtless 
the  most  common  toxic  fish  of  Japan.  From  the  spring 
onward  this  fish  is  out  of  season,  and  if  eaten  after  that 
period  of  the  year  occasions  such  accidents  as  the  eating  of 
tainted  meat.  In  Japan  the  like  dangers  follow  the  eating 
of  the  kateuo  (bonito)  and  the  maguro.  The  Lethrinus 
nambo  can  be  eaten  with  impunity  until  it  attains  a certain 
size — say  a length  of  five  to  five  and  a half  inches — after 
which  it  becomes  poisonous.  Here  then  it  would  appear 
that  the  age  of  the  fish  has  something  to  do  with  its  in- 
jurious qualities.  Pappenheim  gives  a list  of  more  than 
forty  poisonous  species,  principally  inhabitants  of  the  torrid 
zone.  Among  these  we  find  mackerels,  perches,  herrings, 
and  sea  pikes. 


A Spider  Story. 

To  put  the  ingenuity  of  the  spider  to  the  test,  a gentle- 
man frequently  placed  one  on  a small  upright  stick,  and 
surrounded  the  base  with  water.  After  having  discovered 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


65 


that  the  ordinary  means  of  retreat  are  cut  off,  it  ascends 
the  point  of  the  stick,  and,  standing  nearly  on  its  head, 
ejects  its  web,  which  the  wind  readily  carries  to  smne  con- 
ti</uous  object.  Along  this  the  sagacious  insect  effects  its 
escape,  not,  however,  until  it  has  ascertained,  _ by  severd 
exertions  of  its  whole  strength,  that  its  weh  is  properly 
attached  to  the  other  end. 


A Struggle  with  a Devil-Fish. 

Mr.  Smale,  the  Government  diver,  who  was  attacked  by 
a large  octopus,  or  devil  fish,  while  at  work  recently  on  the 
bed  of  the  Moyne  Kiver,  at  Belfast,  in  the  Cdony  of  Yic- 
toria,  gives  this  account  of  the  affair : “ Having  thrust  my 
arm  into  a hole,  I found  it  was  held  by  something,  and 
the  action  of  the  water  was  stirring  up  the  loose  clay,  and, 
therefore,  I could  not  see  distinctly  for  a few  minutes ; but 
when  it  did  clear  away,  I saw  to  my  horror  the  arm^  of  a 
large  octopus  entwined  around  mine  like  a boa-constrictor, 

andjust  then  he  fixed  some  of  his  suckers  on  the  back  of 

my  hand,  and  the  pain  was  intense.  I felt  as  if  my  hand 
was  being  pulled  to  pieces,  and  the  more  I tried  to  take  it 
away  the  greater  the  pain  became.  I had  the  greatest 
difficulty  in  keeping  my  feet  down,  as  the  air  rushed  along 
the  interior  of  my  dress  and  infiated  it;  and  if  my 
got  uppermost  I should  soon  have  become  insensible  held 
in  such  a position ; and,  also  if  I had  given  the  signal  to  be 
pulled  up,  the  brute  would  have  held  on,  and  the  chances 
would  have  been  that  I should  have  had  a broken  arm.  I 
had  a hammer  with  mo,  but  could  not  reach  down  to  use  it 
on' the  brute.  There  was  a small  iron  bar  about  five  leet 
from  me,  and  with  my  foot  1 dragged  this  along  until  I 
could  reach  it  with  my  left  hand.  And  now  the  fight  com- 


56 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


menced,  and  the  more  1 struck  him  the  tighter  he  squeezed^ 
until  raj  arm  got  quite  benumbed.  After  a while  I found 
the  grip  to  relax  a little,  but  he  held  on  till  I had  almost 
cut  him  to  pieces,  and  then  he  relaxed  his  hold  from  the 
rock  and  I pulled  him  up.  I was  completely  exhausted, 
having  been  in  that  position  for  over  twenty  minutes.  I 
brought  the  animal  up,  or  rather,  a part  of  it.  We  laid 
him  out,  and  he  measured  over  eight  feet  across,  and  I feel  ' 
perfectly  comnnced  that  this  fellow  could  have  held  down 
five  or  six  men.” 


Bismarck’s  Big  Dog. 

One  of  the  most  important  and  generally  respected  mem- 
bers of  Prince  Bismarck’s  household  is  a large  hound, 
popularly  designated  the  “ Bealm-Dog.  ” This  animal — 
his  mighty  master’s  inseparable  companion — is  stern  of  as- 
pect and  wrathful  in  disposition.  He  inspires  fear,  rather 
than  love,  in  all  men  save  one,  and  has  acquired  a somewhat 
formidable  renown  for  having  “collared  ” several  eminent 
personages, — among  them  Prince  Gortschakoflf, — whose 
appearance  inspired  him  with  distrust,  or  in  whom  his  in- 
stincts revealed  to  him  the  entertainment  of  hostile  pur- 
pose toward  his  lord.  For  his  extraordinary  intelligence 
in  this  respect  he  is  highly  prized  by  the  Chancellor,  who 
is  known  to  entertain  considerable  faith  in  the  accuracy  of 
the  Realm-Dog’s  judgment  of  human  character.  Two 
delegates  from  Altona,  charged  with  the  presentation  of  a 
petition  from  that  town  to  his  HighnesSj  were  received  by 
Prince  Bismarck  in  special  audience.  The  Chancellor  sat 
in  his  comfortable  rocking  chair,  the  Realm-Dog  stretched 
on  the  carpet  by  his  side,  while  the  delegates,  Messrs. 
Nothnagel  and  Semple,  took  their  seats  on  a leathern  couch 
facing  his  Highness.  Messrs.  Nothnagel  held  a roll  of 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


57 


paper  in  his  right  hand,  and,  being  an  energetic  speaker, 
accustomed  to  emphasize  his  argument  bj  gesticulation,  he 
waved  his  scroll  about  while  addressing  the  Chancellor, 
disregardful  of  the  fact  that  his  movements  elicited  several 
disapproving  utterances  from  the  watchful  hound.  Present- 
ly the  dog  rose  with  a fierce  growl,  whereupon  Prince 
Bismarck,  hastily  interrupting  his  interlocutor’s  remarks, 
exclaimed:  “Do  put  down  that  scroll,  I beg  you.  My 
dog,  like  myself,  entertains  a profound  aversion  to  every 
kind  of  paper.  He  believes  it  to  be  a weapon.”  It  is 
needless  to  add  that  Mr.  Hothnagel  promptly  complied 
with  the  request,  obviously  to  the  satisfaction  of  the  Pealm- 
Dog,  who  forthwith  subsided  into  his  former  peaceful 
attitude. 


An  Encounter  with  a Shark. 

An  adventure  had  by  Captain  David  L.  Longstreet  of 
Seabnght,  N.  J.,  has  made  him  quite  a hero.  Captain 
Longstreet  didn’t  catch  the  sea-serpent ; far  from  it,  for  he 
was  caught  very  nearly  himself,  as  the  following  account 
of  his  experience  will  show.  Accompanied  by  a fellow-fish- 
erman, Longstreet  cast  anchor  ofi*  the  rocks,  in  ten  fathoms 
ot  water,  at  dawn  on  Thursday,  and  for  five  or  six  hours 
hauled  in  bluefish  and  sea  bass  without  noteworthy  inter- 
ruption. The  day  was  fine,  the  sea  was  right,  and  the  trail 
was  strong.  Suddenly  the  fish  stopped  biting.  Longstreet 
was  unable  to  account  for  the  phenomenon,  but  while  think- 
ing it  over  he  felt  the  strong  pull  of  a bluefish  at  his  hook. 
At  the  same  instant  he  saw  the  dorsal  fin  of  a shark  close 
by  the  boat.  The  shark’s  tail  churned  the  water  into  foam 
twelve  feet  behind  the  fin. 

When  the  shark  snapped  at  the  bluefish  which  Long- 
street was  pulling  to  the  boat,  he  could  see  that  it  was  not 


58 


animal  stokies. 


the  common  shark,  but  the  black  shark,  or  dreaded  man- 

th!  W iTf  continues ; “I  let  go  of  my  line,  but 
the  bluefish  darted  straight  for  the  boat,  slipping  under  it 
and  escaping.  The  shark  following  closely  with  open 
mouth,  plunged  his  nose  through  the  ‘tucl/of  the  bo"at! 
about  a foot  forward  of  the  stern,  and  his  under  jaw  closed 
on  the  keel  with  a crash  like  the  cut  of  an  ax  in  1 dry  tree 
trunk.  Water  spurted  into  the  boat.  The  shock  thrL  me 
eadforemost  out  of  the  boat.  I sank,  and  as  I rose  I felt 
tha  I was  being  kept  under  by  the  agitation  of  the  water 
by  the  shark  s tail,  which  stirred  the  water  like  the  propel- 
ler of  a tug.  But  I struck  out  vigorously,  and,  to  my 
horror,  came  to  the  surface  alongside  the  tail  of  the  shark^ 
I put  out  my  hand  before  I fully  realized  where  I was,  and 
touched  his  cold  body,  and  I remember  I thought,  ‘How 
hard  and  strong  this  is ! ’ ° 

“As  I turned  to  swim  towards  the  boat  my  right  foot 
struck  his  long  tail,  and  here  is  the  mark  of  the  contact.  As 
soon  as  I got  to  swimming  I felt  at  ease.  I didn’t  seem  to 
realize,  as  I do  now,  the  horrible  fate  that  awaited  me  if 

the  struggling  monster  alongside  of  me  got  his  head  clear 

o the  hole  in  the  boat.  But  I expected  every  moment  to 
see  him  turn  and  snap  me  up  as  he  would  a weak  fish.  I 
climbed  into  the  boat,  helping  myself  by  putting  my  knee 
on  the  shark  s back.”  Meanwhile  the  other  fisherman  had 
been  shouting  for  help,  and  a reliei  boat  soon  approached, 
the  struggling  shark  freeing  itself  and  escaping  ” 


A Snake  Fight. 

While  the  Eev.  J.  H.  McGahen  was  driving  on  his  way 
one  day  to  Fulton,  N.  T.,  as  he  reached  a small  stream  of 
water  which  crosses  the  road,  he  was  permitted  to  witness 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


69 


a scene  both  novel  and  interesting.  Mr.  McGahen  thus 
describes  the  contest : 

Two  large  water-snakes  were  contending  for  the  posses- 
sion of  a small  fish  which  had  been  captured  (the  fish  be- 
ing about  eight  inches  in  length),  while  two  smaller  snakes, 
one  on  each  side  of  the  contestants,  with  heads  slightly 
raised  above  the  water,  were  apparently  interested  specta- 
tors to  the  struggle,  but  neither  interfered.  One  of  the 
larger  snakes  had  seized  the  fish  by  the  head,  while  the 
other  grasped  him  by  the  tail,  the  former  of  course  having 
much  the  better  hold,  owing  to  the  tapering  form  of  the 
fish  ; but  it  was  a long  pull  and  a strong  pull ; the  water 
was  lashed  into  quite  a fury[;  the  snake  with  the  tail-hold 
wound  himself  twice  around  a small  stick  fastened  near  him, 
giving  him  quite  an  advantage  over  his  antagonist. 

After  a desperate  struggle  of  about  five  minutes,  the 
snake  with  the  head-hold  wrested  the  contested  prey  from 
his  opponent,  and  bore  it  rapidly  away  up  the  stream  in  tri- 
umph, while  his  vanquished  snakeship,  crestfallen,  supperless 
and  subdued,  slunk  away  out  of  sight.  It  was  an  intensely 
exciting  performance,  but  probably  not  a very  pleasing  one 
to  the  poor  fish.  

A Parrot  Scattering  Railroad  Passengers. 

At  the  Henry  House,  Meadville,  Pa.,  there  is  a parrot 
which  is  a source  of  great  annoyance  to  train  men.  When 
it  sees  a freight  train  coming  it  will  yell  at  the  top  of  its 
voice : “ Switch  off!  Switch  off!”  The  enunciation  is  so 

distinct  that  it  not  unfrequently  happens  that  the  train  will 
be  switched  to  avoid  a supposed  danger.  The  same  bird, 
when  it  sees  a passenger  train,  will  yell,  “All  aboard!” 
and  thereby  cause  a scattering  among  the  passengers,  who, 
after  sitting  in  the  cars  for  ten  or  fifteen  minutes,  will  dis- 
cover that  they  have  been  sold. 


CO 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


The  Pigeons  of  Venice. 

Everybody  has  heard  of  the  pigeons  which  flock  daily  to 
the  famous  Square  of  St.  Mark’s,  in  Venice,  to  be  fed,  and 
many  Americans  have,  no  doubt,  seen  them  resting  upon 
the  shoulders  and  arms  of  the  woman  who  dispenses  their 
daily  bread  to  them.  Many  are  the  stories  told  of  their 
origin  ; how  their  ancestors  served  the  republic  by  bringing 
back  news  from  its  fleets,  and  so  on  ; but  none  of  them  are 
very  well  established,  except  that  the  birds  have  always 
been  regarded  as  town  property,  and  have  been  fed  out  of 
a fund  set  apart  for  that  purpose,  which  is  now  said  to  have 
been  a donation  from  the  Countess  Policrasto.  Until  lately 
it  would  have  been  thought  little  less  than  sacrilege  to 
touch  a feather  of  them,  but  recently  a Venetian  boy  was 
discovered  carrying  off  a pigeon,  evidently  with  a view  to 
pie.  The  case  was  carried  into  court,  where  it  was  decided 
that  the  pigeons  had  never  been  legally  conveyed  to  the 
town,  consequently  they  were  nobody’s  property,  but,  so  to 
speak,  wild  fowl,  and  that  boy  was  only  following  his 
natural  instincts  in  catching  them,  and  must  be  acquitted. 


The  Boss  Snake. 

Says  the  St.  Louis  Post-Dispatch : A gentleman  who  is 
ordinarily  truthful  sends  us  the  following  extraordinary 
snake  story  from  Lebanon,  Mo.,  the  reader  being  left  to 
judge  of  its  accuracy: 

“Last  Friday  terrible  havoc  was  done  on  the  farm  of 
Henry  Miller,  in  the  vicinity  of  Lebanon.  About  3 o’clock 
in  the  afternoon,  Mr.  Miller,  who  was  conversing  with  the 
Rev.  James  Albery,  a Methodist  minister,  heard  a tremen- 
dous uproar  in  the  direction  of  a hog-pen  in  which  was  con- 
fined a sow  with  a litter  of  ten  young  ones.  The  preacher 
and  farmer  rushed  out  to  the  pen,  when  they  were  thunder- 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


61 


struck  with  amazement.  A gigantic  snake,  apparently  fifty 
feet  long,  had  raised  itself  erect  and  was  looking  down  on 
the  terror-stricken  hogs.  Presently  several  young  snakes, 
ranging  from  a foot  to  a foot  and  a half  in  length,  sprang 
from  the  snake’s  mouth  and  began  attacking  the  litter. 
The  monster,  with  a continuous  hissing  roar,  stretched  out 
three  frightful-looking  fangs,  which  were  from  four  to  five 
feet  in  length,  and  advanced  toward  the  hog,  which  stood 
in  a corner  trembling  in  every  limb,  unable  to  move,  as  if 
fascinated  by  the  immense  snake. 

‘‘Meanwhile  Mr.  Miller  had  rushed  to  his  house,  seized 
his  shot-gun,  and  just  as  the  gigantic  beast  ^as  about  to 
dart  on  his  prey,  fired.  The  shot  did  not  appear  to  have 
any  effect,  but  the  monster  quickly  raised  itself,  turned  in 
the  direction  of  the  shot,  stretched  forth  his  formidable 
fangs,  and  emitted  a noxious  vapor  almost  as  nauseating  as 
asafoetida.  Then  it  give  a low,  hissing  wail,  upon  which 
signal  the  several  young  snakes  leaped  into  the  maternal 
maw,  and  the  huge  seipent  took  to  flight.  Mr.  Miller  fired 
again.  The  snake  trailed  itself  with  immense  rapidity. 
The  two  men  followed  the  trail  and  called  for  assistance, 
but  when  they  got  to  the  wood  they  lost  all  trace  of  it.  A. 
body  of  men  surrounded  the  wood  an  hour  later  with  guns 
and  revolvers,  and  beat  the  bush  thoroughly.  The  snake 
had  disappeared.  Great  alarm  is  felt  in  the  vicinity.  Four 
of  the  litter  were  killed  by  the  young  snakes. 

“ Mr.  Albery,  the  Methodist  preacher,  was  in  town  yes- 
terday, and  was  interviewed  by  your  correspondent.  He 
affirmed  the  correctness  of  the  above  story.  lie  described 
the  monster  as  between  forty  and  fifty  feet  in  length,  with 
a flattened  head,  the  size  of  a large  beer  keg,  two  lustrous, 
flaming  eyes,  and  three  terrible-looking  fangs.  The  body 
was  all  covered  with  a sort  of  scales,  resembling  those  of  a 
fish,  which  glistened  like  silver.  The  tail  was  about  nine 


62 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


feet  long,  ys  divided  into  two  parts,  and  apparently  was 
extremely  flexible.  When  the  snake  was  aghated  it  gave 
forth  a hissing  roar.  But  the  most  striking  feature  was  two 
mammoth  wings  which  lay  along  the  sides  of  the  serpent 
IJeave^  long  umbrella,  about  fifteen  feet  in  length. 
Nei  her  Mr  Albery  nor  Mr.  Miller  knew  there  were  wfngs 

them'“Tr^'"®  Its  escape  the  animal  suddenly  extended 
them.  They  were  something  similar  to  the  wings  of  a bat 
were  a most  transparent.  Each  wing,  when  extended, 
must  have  had  a surface  of  at  least  140  feet.  With  their 
aid  the  animal  leaped  over  a fence  seven  feet  hiffh.  It  was 
at  this  point  that  the  snake  became  lost  to  riewT  and  onlv 
fts  trail  was  discernible  in  the  tall  reeds.  Both  the  Rev. 
Mr  Alberj  and  farmer  Miller  are  reputabJe,  honest,  and 
truth-loving  persons,  who  stand  high  in  the  community, 
and  both  vouch  for  the  truth  of  this  story.  Indeed,  Mr. 
Miller  has  made  an  affidavit  thereto.” 


A Teasing  Parrot. 

A lady  on  Seneca  street,  says  a Utica  paper,  is  the 
owner  of  a small  frisky  dog  and  a very  talkative  parrot. 
Occasionally  Polly  gets  demoralized,  and,  instead  of  Shav- 
ing herself  like  a good  lady  bird  should,  she  gives  vent  to 
terrible  shrieks,  and  endeavors  to  be  as  bad  as  she  possibly 
can.  When  sne  takes  these  spells,  the  dog,  knowing  that 
a reprimand  is  needed,  goes  to  the  cage  and  administers 
several  severe  rebukes  in  the  shape  of  a savage  little  bark. 
Recently  Poll  sat  upon  her  perch  with  all  the  dignity  pos- 
sible.  The  dog  was  taking  a nap  in  an  adjoining  room, 
buddenly,  without  a moment’s  notice.  Poll  let  loose  two  or 
three  unearthly  screeches.  The  dog  was  awakened,  of 
course,  and  immediately  started  for  the  cage  at  a full  run 
barking  as  he  went.  After  he  had  scolded,  as  he  thought,’ 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


enough  he  adjourned  to  the  other  room  and  snugpd  him- 
self for  another  snooze.  He  had  no  more  than  closed  his 
eyes  before  Poll  shrieked  again,  longer  and  louder  than 
before.  Up  jumped  the  dog,  and  out  he  went 
furiously.  When  he  reached  the  cage.  Poll,  who  had 
stopped  her  noise  to  give  the  dog  a chance,  began  to  ar 
lust  as  loud  as  her  four-legged  associate.  Penny  choked 
himself  off  and  gazed  on  in  holy  horror.  He  stood 
at  the  cage  for  several  minutes.  Finally  his  tail  dropped 
between  his  legs  and  he  turned  round  and  left  the  spot. 
Just  as  he  was  going  out  of  the  room  Poll  stopped  parking, 

a sort  of  pleased  expression  crept  down  her  jagged  beak, 

and  as  the  dog  faded  from  view  she  yelled  after  him, 
“Good-by,  Penny,”  and  without  further  ado  resumed  her 
meditations  upon  her  perch. 


The  Prophecy  of  a Greyhound. 

Richard  II.,  of  England,  had  a greyhound  called  Mach, 
beautiful  beyond  measure,  who  would  not  notice  or  follow 
any  one  but  the  King.  Whenever  the  King  rode  abroad 
the  greyhound  was  loosed  by  the  person  who  had  him  in 
charge,  and  ran  instantly  to  caress  him,  by  placing  his  two 
fore  feet  on  his  shoulders.  It  fell  out  that  as  the  King 
and  the  Duke  of  Lancaster  were  conversing  in  the  court  of 
the  castle,  tkeir  horses  being  ready  for  them  to  mount,  the 
greyhound  was  untied,  but  instead  of  running  as  usual  to 
the  King,  he  left  him  and  leaped  to  the  Duke  of  Lancas- 
ter’s shoulders,  paying  him  every  court,  and  caressing  him 
as  he  used  to  caress  the  King.  The  Duke,  not  acquainted 
with  this  greyhound,  asked  the  King  the  meaniqg  of  his 
goodness,  saying : 

“ What  does  this  mean  ?” 


64 


ANIMAL  SIOKIES. 


“ Cousin,”  replied  the  King,  “ It  means  a great  deal  for 
you  and  very  little  for  me.” 

“ How?”  said  the  Duke.  “ Pfay  explain  it.” 

“I  understand  by  it,”  answered  the  King,  “ that  this 
greyhound  fondles  and  pays  his  court  to  you  this  day,  as 
King  of  England,  which  you  will  surely  be,  and  I shall  be 
deposed  ; for  the  natural  instinct  of  the  dog  shows  it  to  him. 
Keep  him,  therefore,  by  your  side,  for  he  will  now  leave 
me  and  follow  you.” 

The  Duke  of  Lancaster  treasured  up  what  the  King  said, 
and  paid  attention  to  the  greyhound,  who  would  nevermore 
follow  Kichard  of  Bordeaux,  but  kept  by  the  side  of  the 
Duke  of  Lancaster,  as  was  witnessed  by  thirty  thousand 
men. — Chronicles  of  Froissart. 


A Cat  Story. 

Joel  D.  Havans,  living  north  of  Battle  Creek,  in  Barry 
county,  Mich.,  has  in  his  possession  a most  remarkable 
cat.  A short  time  ago  it  had  a litter  of  kittens,  which  were 
all  drowned  except  one.  The  bereaved  feline  mother, 
coming  across  a nest  of  young  rats  that  day,  took  the'  young 
rodents  by  the  neck,  deposited  them  in  her  own  nest,  and 
nursed  and  fondled  them  as  affectionately  as  though  they 
were  her  own  flesh  and  blood.  Another  cat  on  the  place, 
in  the  absence  of  this  adopted  mother,  caught  and  killed  two 
of  these  young  rats,  but  the  remaining  one  is  as  sleek  and 
fat,  and  takes  as  kindly  to  the  old  cat  as  though  there  were 
ties  of  relationship.  The  cat  will  fight  as  quickly  to  protect 
this  young  rat  as  it  will  for  its  remaining  kitten. 


ANIMAL  STORIES. 


65 


Henry  Clay’s  Dog. 

Mr.  Clay  had  a fine  Newfoundland  dog  that  was  pre- 
sented by  an  admiring  friend  who  lived  in  Nova  Scotia. 
The  dog  was  very  intelligent,  and  the  “ Sage  of  Ashland  ” 
trained  him  with  his  own  hand  to  perform  a number  of 
wonderful  tricks,  one  of  which  is  as  follows : In  one 

of  the  pastures  in  which  Mr.  Clay  allowed  his  finest 
stock  to  run  was  a fine  well,  with  a large  trough  attached, 
by  means  of  which  the  cattle  were  supplied  with  water. 
The  water  was  drawn  from  the  well  by  the  bucket-and- 
spindle  system,  but  it  required  a great  deal  of  manual  labor 
to  keep  it  in  operation. 

To  avoid  this  Mr.  Clay  constructed  a small  treadmill,  at- 
tached it  to  the  spindle  of  the  well  with  an  iron  crank,  and 
then  trained  the  dog  to  walk  the  treadmill.  In  this  man- 
ner the  trough  was  kept  constantly  filled  with  water,  and 
the  clever  dog  became  so  accustomed  to  the  performance 
that,  without  the  necessity  of  being  bid,  he  made  it  his  duty 
to  watch  the  well  constantly  and  see  that  the  trough  always 
had  in  it  a sufiicient  supply  of  water  to  keep  the  coppers  of 
the  blooded  stock  cool. 

Mr.  Clay  loved  the  dog,  and  was  fond  of  watching  him 
go  through  the  performance.  He  would  always  have  the 
performance  exhibited  to  his  visitors,  and  when  the  good 
old  canine  finally  gave  up  the  ghost  he  had  him  respectfully 
buried,  and  erected  at  the  head  of  his  grave  an  elegant 
marble  slab. 


MISCELLANY. 


Curiosities  of  Animal  Life. 

The  distinguished  Leibnitz  relates  an  instance  of  animal 
education  which  is  quite  exceptional.  A countryman,  liv- 
ing near  Zecta,  in  Misnia,  owned  a dog  of  medium  size  in 
which  was  discovered  a disposition  to  speak— at  least,  he 
uttered  sounds  which  so  far  resembled  words  in  the  Ger- 
man tongue  that  one  of  the  children  of  the  family  conceived 
the  extraordinary  idea  of  teaching  him  to  talk.  In  two 
years  time  the  young  teacher  was  so  far  successful  as  to 
have  taught  the  dog  to  correctly  pronounce  thirty  words. 

M.  Delafond  speaks  of  a German  who  had  educated  six 
rats  to  a surprising  degree.  They  answered  to  their  names 
with  promptitude,  and  saluting  their  spectators  with  arch 
grace,  executed  a score  of  exercises  with  much  cleverness 
and  quick  obedience. 

An  Englishman  by  the  name  of  Wildham,  in  1774  liad 
the  patience  to  educate  several  hives  of  bees  and  wasps. 
He  displayed  a comb  full  of  these  insects,  and  in  the  space 
of  two  minutes  caused  them  to  settle  upon  the  hat  of  one  of 
the  spectators.  Thence  he  caused  them  to  alight  upon  his 
naked  arm  and  form  a muff.  They  next  settled  upon  his 
head  and  face,  on  which  they  made  a kind  of  mask.  They 
then  marched  upon  a table  according  to  his  orders.  That 
which  was  most  extraordinary  in  the  talents  of  this  singu- 
lar man  was  that  he  could  make  the  same  experiments  with 


68 


MISCELLANEOUS 


whatever  swarm  was  ofiered  to  him,  and  even  with  wasps 
and  flies,  and  that  he  himself  was  never  in  any  danger  of 
being  stung. 

Both  the  mocking-bird  and  the  parrot  reproduce  with 
amazing  fldelity  not  only  spoken  language,  with  its  many- 
syllabled  words  and  complex  sentences,  but  also  the  multi- 
tudinous sounds  and  voices  of  other  animals,  strains  of  mu- 
sic, the  blowing  of  whistles,  and  the  various  ringing  of 
bells.  More  than  this,  there  is  observable  a distinct  and 
unmistakable  language  among  the  lower  animals.  Birds 
chirp  and  twitter  slower  or  faster  in  the  communication  of 
their  desires  to  one  another ; the  horse  neighs  variously, 
and  the  dog  expresses  by  twenty  difierent  snarls,  and 
growls,  and'  barks,  as  many  shades  of  feeling,  which  ideas 
are  understood  and  responded  to  by  those  of  his  kind  to 
whom  they  are  addressed. 

It  may  be  said  of  the  lower  animals  that,  unlike  their 
masters,  their  virtues  are  somewhat  in  excess  of  their  vices. 
Says  Mr.  Darwin  : 

“There  can  be  no  doubt  that  dogs  feel  shame  as  distinct 
from  fear,  and  sometimes  very  like  modesty  when  begging 
too  often  for  food.  A great  dog  scorns  the  barking  of  a lit- 
tle dog,  and  this  may  be  called  magnanimity.” 

As  to  love,  it  seems  with  most  of  our  dumb  companions 
to  be  all  of  a passion,  as  is  instanced  by  every-day  experi- 
ence, and  the  record  of  attachments  that  were  strong  and 
enduring  as  life.  The  maternal  afiection  is  cherished  by 
the  brute  world  to  a degree  of  heroism.  There  are  in- 
stances where  the  dumb  parent  has  starved  herself  to  death 
in  her  desperate  efibrts  to  supply  her  offspring  with  food  ; 
others,  where  she  has  fought  for  them  until  killed  ; and 
others,  where  she  has  died  of  grief  because  of  the  destruc- 
tion or  disappearance  of  her  infant  family. 

Gratitude  is  a leading  and  very  remarkable  principle  in 


l,iliT!f,f:V 


I f I 


V 


ANECDOTES. 


69 


the  brute,  especially  expressed  by  the  elephant  and  the 
dog.  Constancy  and  devotion  follow,  and  with  real  mag- 
nanimity they  will  receive  good  and  evil  of  the  same  hand, 
and  fulfill  every  duty  with  the  same  unswerving  fidelity. 
These  animals  have  been  known  to  defend  their  masters 
directly  after  being  abused  by  them,  and  from  a sense  of 
duty,  a greyhound,  after  having  broken  his  thigh,  has  run 
on  till  the  course  was  concluded. 

Courage  and  fear  are  exhibited  by  animals  with  singular 
variation,  and  while  some  are  brave  by  inheritance,  others 
are  by  example.  Like  human  cowards,  some  animals  will 
shamefully  run  when  they  can,  and  only  fight  when  they 
must.  Animals  exhibit  both  dignity  and  pride,  and  often 
express  profound  displeasure  at  insults  and  uncleanliness. 
Patience  under  restraint,  industry  and  moderation,  are  dis- 
tinctive animal  virtues.  Most  species  will  not  only  refuse 
to  eat  a bite  more  than  nature  requires,  but  it  is  mentioned 
of  a dog,  that  having  once  been  made  intoxicated,  he  ever 
afterward  snarled  when  a pewter-pot  was  even  brought  into 
his  presence. 

The  principle  of  perseverance  finds  many  illustrations  in 
brute  life.  Eobert  Bruce  is  said  to  have  observed  a spider 
make  repeated  efibrts  to  reach,  with  his  web,  a given  point 
on  one  of  the  rafters  of  a barn,  the  thirteenth  and  last  time 
succeeding.  An  ant  was  once  remarked  to  fail  in  sixty- 
nine  consecutive  attempts  to  round  a sharp  corner  of  a cor- 
nice with  a burden,  but  in  making  the  seventieth  effort  the 
persevering  little  creature  achieved  his  end. 

A singular  sensitiveness  is  expressed  by  many  animals. 
Monkeys  decidedly  dislike  being  laughed  at,  and  dogs  and 
horses  are  conscious  of  much  slighter  injuries  than,  at  first 
thought,  is  conceived.  A baboon  in  the  London  Zoological 
Garden  is  insulted  to  the  extent  of  a rage,  when  his  keep- 
er reads  aloud  a letter  or  book  in  his  presence,  and  at  one 


70 


MISCELLANEOUS 


1 


time,  so  violent  was  liis  fit,  be  bit  his  own  leg  until  the 
blood  fiowed. 

The  faculty  of  memory  seems  to  be  possessed  by  all  ani- 
mals, and  by  some  to  an  astonishing  extent.  Three  years 
after  the  perpetration  of  a certain  crime,  a Newfoundland 
dog  singled  out  the  murderer  of  his  master  from  a vast  con- 
course of  people,  and  grasping  him  by  the  throat,  with  ter- 
rible vengence,  would  have  shortly  killed  him.  The  con- 
duct of  the  dog  resulted  in  bringing  the  criminal  to  a justice 
which  else  might  have  escaped  him. 

Upon  the  occasion  of  a visit  of  a menagerie  to  a village, 
one  of  the  elephants  was  given,  fresh  from  the  mouth  of 
one  of  the  bystanders,  a quid  of  tobacco.  The  brute  spat 
it  upon  the  ground  with  evident  disgust,  and  looked  rue- 
fully at  its  donor,  who  stepped  out  of  his  reach.  Two 
years  afterward  the  exhibition  revisited  the  same  place, 
when  the  tobacco  man,  passing  sufiiciently  near  the  ele- 
phant, was  struck  a very  severe  blow  by  the  trunk  of  the 
offended  beast. 

Animals  never  forget  even  general  acquaintances,  much 
less  their  masters,  and  some  bear  a grudge  for  an  incredibly 
long  period. 

Our  dumb  friends  very  generally  profit  by  experience,  as 
is  proven  by  the  fact  that  when  once  deceived  by  a trap, 
ever  after  avoid  such.  For  this  reason  young  animals  are 
more  frequently  caught  by  trappers  than  old  ones.  All  of 
the  brute  creation  feel  wonder  and  curiosity,  and  most  of 
them  are  expert  imatators. 

Though  monkeys  arc  perhaps  the  representatives  of  the 
latter  class,  it  is  largely  found  also  among  canary  birds, 
parrots,  dogs,  horses,  and  even  rats.  It  is  not  an  uncom- 
mon practice  for  a dog  to  jump  up  at  the  handle  of  a door 
as  if  to  open  it.  A chimpanzee  will  use  a stone  to  crack  a 
nut,  and  these  and  baboons  will  fight  one  another  with 


ANECDOTES. 


71 


sticks  in  hand-to-hand  encounters,  and  exercise  the  strategy 
or  rolling  stones  upon  the  heads  of  the  enemy  from  heights 
above.  Puppies  have  been  known  to  lick  their  feet  and 
wash  their  faces  after  the  manner  of  their  foster  mothers. 

The  brute  creation  feel  and  express  anger  as  distinctly  as 
humans,  and  are  susceptible  to  the  bitterest  hatred,  if  not 
revenge.  Elephants,  and  especially  dogs,  are  also  jealous, 
sometimes  to  a degree  of  envy,  and  until  they  are  a burden 
to  themselves.  All  animals  are  more  or  less  selfish,  very 
generally  looking  out  for  number  one,  and  though  they 
rarely  become  gluttons,  they  have  been  known  to  eat  what 
they  did  not  want  only  to  prevent  any  other  animal  from 
possessing  it. 

Some  Singular  Aversions. 

Gretry,  the  composer,  could  not  endure  the  scent  of  the 
rose,  neither  could  Anne  of  Austria.  The  mere  sight  of 
the  queen  of  flowers  was  too  much  for  Lady  Heneage,  bed- 
chamber woman  to  Queen  Bess ; indeed,  Kenelm  Digby 
records  that  her  cheeks  became  blistered  when  some  one 
laid  a white  rose  upon  it  as  she  slept.  Her  ladyship’s  an- 
tipathy was  almost  as  strong  as  that  of  the  dame  who  faint- 
ed when  her  lover  approached  her  wearing  an  artificial  rose 
in  his  button-hole.  A violet  was  a thing  of  horror  to  the 
eyes  of  the  Princess  de  Lamballe  ; tansy  was  abominable  to 
an  Earl  of  Barrymore  ; Scaliger  grew  pale  before  the  wa- 
ter-cress ; and  a soldier,  who  would  have  scorned  to  turn 
his  back  on  a foe,  fled  without  shame  from  a sprig  of  rue. 

The  Secretary  of  Francis  I.  used  to  stop  up  his  nostrils 
with  bread  if  he  saw  a dish  of  apples,  to  prevent  an  other- 
wise inevitable  bleeding  at  the  nose.  A Polish  King  had 
an  antipathy  to  both  the  smell  and  sight  of  this  wholesome 
fruit,  and  a family  of  Aquitaine  had  a hereditary  hatred  of 
it.  A Flemish  damsel  was  sadly  troubled  by  an  uncom- 


72 


MISCELLANEOUS 


fortable  aversion  to  the  smell  of  bread.  Cheese,  mutton, 
musk,  and  ambergris  have  been  so  repugnant  to  some  nasal 
organs  as  to  send  their  owners  into  convulsions. 

A poor  Neapolitan  was  always  seized  with  a fit  upon  at- 
tempting to  swallow  a morsel  of  fresh  meat  of  any  kind, 
and  Nature  thus  condemed  him  to  vegetarianism,  a sorer 
affliction  than  that  suffered  by  Guianerius,  whose  heart 
palpitated  violently  if  he  indulged  in  a pork  dinner,  or  by 
the  lady  who  could  not  taste  of  beer  without  her  lips  swel- 
ling to  uncomfortable  dimensions.  Dr.  Front  had  a patient 
who  declared  honest  mutton  was  as  bad  as  poison  to  him. 
Thinking  this  was  all  fancy,  the  Doctor  administered  the 
obnoxious  meat  under  various  disguises,  but  every  experi- 
ment ended  in  a severe  vomiting  fit. 

Another  unlucky  individual  always  had  a fit  of  the  gout 
a few  hours  after  eating  fish  ; and  a Count  d’Armstadt 
never  failed  to  go  off  in  a faint  if  he  knowingly  or  unknow- 
ingly  partook  of  a dish  containing  the  slightest  modicum  of 
olive  oil.  A still  worse  penalty  attatched  to  lobster  salad 
in  the  case  of  a lady,  for,  if  she  ventured  to  taste  it  at  a 
dinner-party,  her  neck,  before  she  returned  to  the  ball- 
room, would  be  covered  with  ugly  blotches,  and  her  peace 
of  mind  destroyed  for  that  evening. 

According  to  Burton,  a melancholy  Duke  of  Muscovy  fell 
instantly  ill  if  he  looked  upon  a woman  ; and  another  au- 
thority was  seized  with  a cold  palsy  under  similar  provoca- 
tion. Weinrichur  talks  of  a nobleman  who  drew  the 
line  at  old  ladies,  which  did  not  prevent  him  losing  his  life 
in  consequence  of  his  strange  prejudice;  for  being  called 
from  the  supper-table  by  some  mischievous  friends  to  speak 
to  an  old  woman,  he  fell  down  directly  he  beheld  her,  and 
died  then  and  there.  What  an  old  woman  did  for  this  old 
hater,  an  eclipse  did  for  Charles  d’Escaro,  Bishop  of  Lan- 
gres.  It  was  his  inconvenient  custom  to  faint  at  the  com- 


ANECDOTES. 


73 


mencementofa  lunar  eclipse,  and  remain  insensible  as- 
long  as  it  lasted.  When  he  was  very  old  and  very  infirm 
an  eclipse  took  place.  The  good  Bishop  went  off  as  usual, 
and  never  came  to  again.  Old  John  Langley,  who  settled, 
in  Ireland  in  1651,  cherished  an  antipathy  quite  as  obstin- 
ately, but  had  no  idea  of  dying  of  it.  By  his  last  will  and 
testament  he  ordered  his  corpse  to  be  waked  by  fifty  Insh- 
men,  for  each  of  whom  two  quarts  of  aqua  vitm  were  to  be 
provided,  “in  the  hope  that,  getting  drunk,  they  would 
take  to  killing  one  another,  and  do  something  toward  les- 
sening the  race  ."—Changer's  Jovrnal. 


Sojne  Very  Remarkable  Statistics  ! 

A Detroiter  has  been  for  the  last  two  years  collecting 
and  arranging  statistics  of  an  odd  nature,  and  if  his  book  is 
ever  published  readers  will  find  nothing  dry  about  it.  He 
goes  right  to  business  on  page  1 by  estimating  that  the 

number  of  lickings  received  by  the  average  boy  up  to  his 

14th  year  is  126.  This  includes  the  spanking  process  dur- 
inff  infancy. 

Out  ofevery  100,000  people  in  this  country,  19,000  get 
up  cross  in  the  morning,  but  only  a hundred  or  so  remain 
in  that  condition  very  long  after  breakfast. 

Out  of  50,000  men  only  600  will  put  up  money  on  a bet. 
The  rest  will  crawfish  around  and  finally  back  water  on 
their  assertions. 

Only  10  women  out  of  every  600  who  start  out  on  a jour* 
ney  by  railroad  consult  a railroad-map  or  have  the  least 
idea  of  the  direction  they  take.  Four  hundred  and  ninety- 
eight  worry  about  their  baggage  ; 497  are  certain  they  took 
the  wrong  train ; 494  wish  they  never  had  started. 

The  risk  of  being  bitten  by  a dog  is  greatly  overestimated. 
Out  of  every  1,000  big  and  little  dogs  only  two  care  to  get 


up  a row  witli  the  human  race,  and  those  two  are  ready  and 
Willing  to  die.  *' 

The  nun»ber  of  men  who  can  put  in  a more  pleasant 
evening  down-town  than  at  their  own  fireside  is  on  the  de- 
crease, and  the  number  of  wives  who  are  taking  a little  ex- 
tra pains  to  make  home  more  pleasant  than  a concert-saloon 
IS  on  the  increase. 

Out  of  every  1,000  men  who  get  mad  and  swear  they 

tTirns 

Out  of  every  1,000  women  who  ride  on  street-ears,  only 
twelve  will  move  along  to  ofi-er  another  woman  a chance  to  . 
sit  down.  Nine  hundred  and  ninety-eight  of  them  argue 
that  It  IS  a man  s duty  to  stand  up,  even  if  there  is  plenty 
of  room  ; and  the  other  two  are  supremely  indifierent. 

Only  one  woman  in  5,000  pays  the  first  price  asked  for  a 
bonnet,  and  only  one  milliner  in  1,000,000  expects  her  to. 

The  time  occupied  by  the  average  man  in  buying  a full 
suit  of  clothes  IS  just  one-fourth  the  time  occupied  by  the 
avera^  woman  m buying  a single  pair  of  stockings.— 
troit  Free 


the  END. 

I 

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LISrAPY 

UNIVERSITY  OF  ILLINOIS 
URBANA 


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FOR  THE  D£AF,  RHODES’ 

AUDIPHONE. 

THE  ONLY  INVENTION 

THAT  ENABLES  THE  DEAF  TO  HEAR 

THROUGH  THE  MEDIUM  OF  THE  TEETH,  AND  THE  DEAF  AND 
DUMB  TO  HEAR  AND  LEARN  TO  SPEAK. 


RICHARD  S.  RHODES, 

OXTICJ^G-O. 

Principal  American  Office  and  Audiphone  Parlors: 

Methodist  Church  Block, 

Corner  Clark  and  Washington  Sts.  CHICAGO,  ILL. 

PAIVIPHLETS  FREE. 


INVENTED  AND  MANUFACTURED  BY 


A Clan  of  Deaf  Mutes  Listening  to  Music  for  the  First  Time,  by  aid  of  the  Audiphone. 
From  Frank  Leslie's  Illustrated  Newspaper^  Dec.  13,  1879. 


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